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 1 
 on: Yesterday at 05:57:40 PM 
Started by Arte_Evans - Last post by alislove
Hi there!

I agree with the two comments before mine. This sounds more like an informal backstory outline for your own use. However, you generated what I think is a great opening line:

Quote
Where she Ruthie lives, the sun hardly touches the ground; the concept of warmth being rarer than fighting for your next meal in the dumpster.

I'd start with this then introduce us to Ruthie's world through emotion and senses rather than generalizations. That will grab your reader more than set up.  And that sentence lets us know so much already but begs the question What is Ruthie's world?

Now your reader will want those answers and keep reading! Yes

 2 
 on: April 20, 2018, 07:26:51 PM 
Started by Kerfuffle - Last post by Kerfuffle
Thank you.

 3 
 on: April 20, 2018, 07:25:42 PM 
Started by Kerfuffle - Last post by Kerfuffle
Thank you so much. This is all very helpful!

 4 
 on: April 20, 2018, 05:22:02 PM 
Started by Kerfuffle - Last post by TigerAsh

Rori stepped into the artificially lit fairgrounds from the shadow of a tent. Using the tips of his thumb and forefinger, he cleaned the corners of his mouth. The abundance of prey in this setting was a temptation he couldn’t avoid. With his hunger sated, he continued to his hunt through the socially acceptable overindulgence in gluttony and gambling.


Well I enjoyed reading this, I second Falthor's suggestion of adding that small detail/hint of what the prey is. I think it will make readers want to continue reading that much more!

 5 
 on: April 20, 2018, 05:12:52 PM 
Started by Kerfuffle - Last post by TigerAsh
Dear Ms. Agent,

I’m currently seeking representation for my paranormal romance novel: THE WITCH OF THE PROPHECY. After reviewing your manuscript wish list, and the comment about a manuscript with great sexual tension, I thought this might be a good fit for you. [I assume this is personalization for a particular agent? If it is, then it's fine.]

One prophecy, two witches, two vampires, and one wolf, what is the right combination? Who will forsake his love for a chance to rule over all of their kinds? [Try not to use questions in your query letter.] With a meddling coven, a manipulative ex-vampire-boyfriend, and a wolf she has yet to get to know, Divina’s about had it with the prophecy.
The Ember Witches are the strongest coven in the US and have decided Divina is who they want at their table and on the council. [Why Divina? What is so important about this council? And how many members are on this council--is it the 2 witches, 2 vampires, and 1 wolf you mentioned in the beginning?] However, another witch, Selene, believes it is she who should take the seat. Ultimately, the prophecy states it is the mate of the wolf, Aric, who will take the seat. [Why Aric? Is he the only wolf on the council?] When the prophecy is set into motion with the death of the vampire emperor, the hunt for Aric and who he will choose begins. [Why do they need to hunt Aric down? If he's part of the council, wouldn't he be easy to track down? And if he's not ... I'm confused as to why his mate matters. Is he the only wolf left?] It is the witch who is forsaken by her vampire lover and the mate of the wolf who will be on the council, so says the prophecy. [So in this world, witches are always bonded to vampires first? I'm a bit confused.]

[So after reading the above paragraph, I'm not sure who your main character is. At first I thought it was Divina, but then you went on to talk about Selene and Aric. So I'm wondering if this is a multiple POV story? If it is, you should mention that. And if it's not, try writing the query letter from one character's POV.
In addition, the biggest thing I'm missing from your query is the stakes: for example, if Divina is your main protagonist, I want to know what her goal is, what happens if she doesn't reach that goal, and what obstacles/challenges she'll face to achieve that goal.]


THE WITCH OF THE PROPHECY is a 52,000-word paranormal romance with series potential. complete at 52,337 words. [It looks neater if you just round the word count to the nearest thousand. With that said, the word count seems a bit low for an adult paranormal romance.] It is intended to be the first installment of a trilogy about the prophecy outlining who will be a part of the council for supernatural beings. [Agents want a novel that can stand alone (in case a publisher doesn't want the second book in the series), so don't mention that it's part of a trilogy. Instead, say it has series potential, as I suggested above.]
I’m an avid reader of paranormal romance who unfortunately has no writing credentials or publishing history to her name. [Agents expect you to be well-read, so you don't need to mention it. You also don't need to point out that you have no writing credentials or publishing history; it's implied when you don't discuss such things in your bio.] I work full time for the state of New Jersey in the Division of Developmental Disabilities. I’m married and have a beautiful daughter.

I would be delighted to send a portion of, or the full manuscript, upon your request. [Again, that's expected, so no need to say it.] Thanks for your time and consideration.

All the best,




Hopefully my comments help. Good luck! Smiley

 6 
 on: April 20, 2018, 02:15:04 PM 
Started by Kerfuffle - Last post by Kerfuffle
Thank you for the recommendation. I wonder if the "prey" become more clear as the paragraphs progress, or if I just elude to it without heavy handedly slapping the reader over the head with it later. I'll throw in the next paragraph, maybe it will help?

He stalked through the crowd with his finger curled to his nose and his palm covering his mouth. He attempted to block the nauseating odors of sugary cotton candy and salted popcorn. The melodic repetition of the carousel, joyful cries of children, and the calls of the game vendors impaired his enhanced hearing. He detested carnivals.

 7 
 on: April 20, 2018, 02:11:16 PM 
Started by Kerfuffle - Last post by Kerfuffle
Thank you for the feed back. I only included the bio piece cause I was gearing the letter toward a specific agent who asked for a bio, and the answer to all those is pretty much no. that is unless scribophile counts as a critique group.

 8 
 on: April 20, 2018, 01:40:57 PM 
Started by Kerfuffle - Last post by Falthor
okay, this is pretty good...  I like the imagery and the prose is concise...  I just feel like it needs a bit more of a hook.  You mention that he's cleaning out the corners of his mouth, and hint that it's because he was just eating prey... maybe add a small detail of him pulling a piece of gristle out, or hint about what exactly his "prey" are...   just a small nudge I think could make a world of difference here.

 9 
 on: April 20, 2018, 01:06:00 PM 
Started by Kerfuffle - Last post by NextChapter
I am still new to this, so take my advice with that in mind . . .

Dear Ms. Agent,

I’m currently seeking representation this much goes without saying for my paranormal romance novel: THE WITCH OF THE PROPHECY. After reviewing your manuscript wish list, and the comment about a manuscript with great sexual tension nice research, I thought this might be a good fit for you.

One prophecy, two witches, two vampires, and one wolf,maybe an extended dash? what is the right combination? Who will forsake his love for a chance to rule over all of their kinds? I have heard that you should avoid the use of rhetorical questions in a query. With a meddling coven, a manipulative ex-vampire-boyfriend, and a wolf she has yet to get to know, Divina’s about had it with the prophecy.
The Ember Witches are the strongest coven in the US and have decided Divina is who they want at their table and on the council. However, another witch, Selene, believes it is she who should take the seat. Ultimately, the prophecy states it is the mate of the wolf, Aric, who will take the seat. When the prophecy is set into motion with the death of the vampire emperor, the hunt for Aric and who he will choose begins. It is the witch who is forsaken by her vampire lover and the mate of the wolf who will be on the council, so says the prophecy.

THE WITCH OF THE PROPHECY is complete at 52,337 words. It is intended to be the first installment of a trilogy about the prophecy outlining who will be a part of the council for supernatural beings.
I’m an avid reader of paranormal romance who unfortunately has no writing credentials or publishing history to her name. I work full time for the state of New Jersey in the Division of Developmental Disabilities. I’m married and have a beautiful daughter.

I would be delighted to send a portion of, or the full manuscript, upon your request. Thanks for your time and consideration.

All the best,

I would avoid the trilogy part. I've read that agents don't want to hear this. I know it's hard to know what to include in a bio if you have not yet been published, but it should somehow reflect how you connect to your writing. If the book features a disabled character, then that part is great. Have you taken any writing classes or do you belong to a writers' guild? Are you an active member of a critique group?

I'm going to let others on the forum help you improve your synopsis. I'm terrible at that. I actually paid a professional editor to help write mine.

 10 
 on: April 20, 2018, 11:53:52 AM 
Started by Kerfuffle - Last post by Kerfuffle
Dear Ms. Agent,

I’m currently seeking representation for my paranormal romance novel: THE WITCH OF THE PROPHECY. After reviewing your manuscript wish list, and the comment about a manuscript with great sexual tension, I thought this might be a good fit for you.

One prophecy, two witches, two vampires, and one wolf, what is the right combination? Who will forsake his love for a chance to rule over all of their kinds? With a meddling coven, a manipulative ex-vampire-boyfriend, and a wolf she has yet to get to know, Divina’s about had it with the prophecy.
The Ember Witches are the strongest coven in the US and have decided Divina is who they want at their table and on the council. However, another witch, Selene, believes it is she who should take the seat. Ultimately, the prophecy states it is the mate of the wolf, Aric, who will take the seat. When the prophecy is set into motion with the death of the vampire emperor, the hunt for Aric and who he will choose begins. It is the witch who is forsaken by her vampire lover and the mate of the wolf who will be on the council, so says the prophecy.

THE WITCH OF THE PROPHECY is complete at 52,337 words. It is intended to be the first installment of a trilogy about the prophecy outlining who will be a part of the council for supernatural beings.
I’m an avid reader of paranormal romance who unfortunately has no writing credentials or publishing history to her name. I work full time for the state of New Jersey in the Division of Developmental Disabilities. I’m married and have a beautiful daughter.

I would be delighted to send a portion of, or the full manuscript, upon your request. Thanks for your time and consideration.

All the best,

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