Query for Judgment *Revised 03/15/12

[elpato54]

REVISION AT THE BOTTOM![/i]


Trad Jenisis always blamed God for his misfortune. Now he has a chance at revenge.

A religious cult begins a school shooting at Rapid City High School and Trad finds himself taking the cult down with his bare fists. Alienated from his peers and family now more than ever, Trad fears the mysterious power he possesses and also for the lives of those around him. He leaves town and crosses paths with the leader of the cult: Cade Vanity.

Proclaiming to be the reincarnation of Christ, Vanity reveals he predetermined Trad's miserable life so his powers would awaken along with extreme rage and bloodlust. Vanity needs Trad's life force to revive God and make the human race pay for the prior execution of the original Son of God.

Realizing that religion is nothing more than a collection of myths, Trad has only one objective now: kill God before life on earth is annihilated.

JUDGMENT is a 120,000 word YA15+ theological thriller told through the perspectives of Trad and those destined to help him save the world from deity who has used humanity this entire time.

[JaelynnFaye]

I just want to say I would love to read more of this!

[sunny]

Hi there, let me give you my initial thoughts/questions as I read through the query. First I am intrigued, but having said that I am confused. Let me help pinpoint the questions:

1. Second graph - first sentence makes Trad sounds passive (Trad fins himself). Rewording might convey the same idea, but make him less appear less passive
2. you indicate he is alientated from peers now more than ever ...when was he alienated? There is no lead up to this, which makes me want to suggest that the opening sentence in this graph should be about Trad, give reader's a sense of him before launching us into his quest. In other words, you haven't made me care about Trad yet, so whatever struggles he experience don't matter to me (yet).
3. WHy would he speak to the leader of the cult if he detests him?
4. How can he kill God? God is not considered to be a physical being and christians believes he lives in the afterlife in heaven, which unless someone is dead, I'm not sure how Trad can go there, unless of course he 'dies' to find him.  Either way, it leaves me with questions.

All in all, I don't feel that queries have to answer all of a reader's questions, but these were the thoughts that went through my head as I was reading the query. Hopefully it will help you pinpoint some areas for change/revison. Sunny

[rivergirl]

We need to hear more of these mysterious powers.  This is vague.  It could be anything from reading minds to flying.  More detail please so we can use a little imagery.

[dragoness]

It seems very interesting!

I agree with the first 3 questions of Sunny, and have another one:
Why does he feel that he was misfortune? It seems like an important issue here, because this is the motivation of the MC along the whole book.

Good Luck!

[abbyannis]

Interesting concept. Just a few thoughts.

Trad Jenisis always blamed God for his misfortune. Now he has a chance at revenge.

A religious cult begins a school shooting at Rapid City High School This reads a little awkwardly to me. Maybe something like Armed with rifles, a religious cult shows up at Rapid City High School Not sure if that matches up with your story. Just a suggestion to make it read smoother. and Trad finds himself My initial thought here was that, at first, he didn't realize he was doing it. Maybe that's the impression you want to give? Just pointing it out in case it isn't. taking the cult down with his bare fists. Alienated from his peers and family now more than ever, Trad fears the mysterious power he possesses and also for the lives of those around him. He leaves town and crosses paths with the leader of the cult: Cade Vanity. This paragraph raises a few questions for me. What are his mysterious powers? How do they help him take down the cult? Why would stopping a school shooting alienate him further? Seems to me that would make him a hero. Maybe clarifying his power would fix that issue? Maybe it's just me?

Proclaiming to be the reincarnation of Christ, Vanity reveals he predetermined Trad's miserable life so his powers would awaken along with extreme rage and bloodlust. Vanity needs Trad's life force to revive God and make the human race pay for the prior execution of the original Son of God.

Realizing that religion is nothing more than a collection of myths, Trad has only one objective now: kill God before life on earth is annihilated.

JUDGMENT is a 120,000 This might be a little long for most agents. word YA15+ theological thriller told through the perspectives of Trad and those destined to help him save the world from deity who has used humanity this entire time. This is telling and it's clear from the blurb. I don't think you need it.

Hope that helps!

[missesdash]

You need to work on your transitions here. I don't feel like any of the events in your query lead naturally to the ones that follow. School shooting, and then somehow your MC deals with guns by punching things. He is alienated after punching the guns and leaves town. Then apparently that ends and he "runs in" to the leader of the cult, I assume this is after the shooting?

Then we get the background about how this was all pre-ordained. THEN after proclaiming god doesn't exist, your MC sets out to kill him (is this a metaphor or...)

This query lacks focus. I have no idea what your MC wants besides the very abstract goal of "killing god." I don't even know what you mean by "kill god."

Also, your word count is extremely high, and that alone would make agents wary to request pages.

[elpato54]

Took a few weeks off to clear my head before I tried this again. It's a bit longer, but I felt like things are much clearer as well.


Trad Jenisis always blamed God for his screwed up life. Now he has a chance at revenge.

Trad has few friends and those few he has can only tolerate him for a short time before avoiding him as well. On top of everything, false rumors of his suicidal tendencies run rampant through Rapid City High School, further deteriorating his social status.

On his last day of high school, a strange religious cult shoots up the school claiming to have known Trad since birth. Desperate to be a hero, Trad confronts the shooters, and defeats them using supernatural powers he never thought possible: bullets fly sluggishly and require little effort to dodge while the mere push of his arms sends one assailant flying down the hall unconscious.

Afraid of himself as well as those around him, he leaves town in search of answers only to find little clues on who – or -what he is. That is, until he runs into Cade Vanity, the leader of the cult. Vanity claims to not only be the reincarnation of Christ but also that he predetermined Trad’s miserable existence and so-called spiritual awakening in order to revive God. Vanity’s true goal is to use God via a revival no man has known until now, to wreak the ultimate revenge on humans for their torture and murder of the original Son of God.

Realizing that religion is nothing more than a collection of myths, Trad has only one objective now: kill God before humanity is annihilated.

JUDGMENT is a 120,000 word YA15+ theological thriller told through the perspectives of Trad and those destined to help him save the world from God.

[DMcWild]

Hi elpato54,

I remember reading this in our old critique group and enjoying it. Here are my suggestions.

Good luck,
Don

Trad Jenisis always blamed God for his screwed up life. Now he has a chance at revenge.

Trad has few friends and those few he has can only tolerate him for a short time before avoiding him as well. On top of everything, false rumors of his suicidal tendencies run rampant through Rapid City High School, further deteriorating his social status.

On his last day of high school, a strange religious cult shoots up the schoolbuilding claiming to have known Trad since birth. Desperate to be a hero, Trad confronts the shooters, and defeats them using supernatural powers he never thought possible: bullets fly sluggishly and , but require little effort to dodge while the mere push of his arms sends one assailant flying down the hall unconscious.

Afraid of himself as well as those around him, he (this line doesn't seem to add anything to the query) Trad leaves town in search of answers only to find little clues on who – or -what he is. That is, until he runs into Cade Vanity, the leader of the cult. Vanity claims to not only be the reincarnation of Christ. (I think this needs to be one sentence to give it loads of punch) but also and With powers that he predetermined Trad’s miserable existence and so-called spiritual awakening in order to revive God. Vanity’s true goal is to use God via a revival no man has known until now, to wreak the ultimate revenge on humans for their torture and murder of the original Son of God.

Realizing that religion is nothing more than a collection of myths, Trad has only one objective now: kill God (god or Vanity?) before humanity is annihilated.

JUDGMENT is a 120,000 (The word count will make this a hard sell. I think you need to cut it by at least 20 or 30K) word YA15+ theological thriller told through the perspectives of Trad and those destined to help him save the world from God.

[elpato54]

Ah, back when it was Genocide and I used more adverbs than there are drops of water in the ocean. Those were the days...

[elpato54]

Trad Jenisis blamed God for his screwed up life. Now he has a chance at revenge.

An insecure 18-year old, Trad worries about taunts from the popular crowd, rejections from girls, and brutal punishments from his witch of a stepmother for not unloading the dishwasher. When a mysterious religious cult shoots up his high school, Trad doesn’t just survive, he ends it. But all he remembers is suddenly holding an assailant’s gun and hearing a demonic voice in his head. The voice calls him the “Slayer of God.”

When the same cult abducts a classmate, Trad follows in search of answers. Instead, he finds Cade Vanity, a man who claims to be the reincarnation of Christ. Vanity knows about the rage and life force Trad projects and intends to use it to transform into God. As an all-powerful deity, Vanity plans to bring forth Judgment Day and eradicate humans to punish them for crucifying the original Son of Man 2,000 years earlier.

Religion is nothing more than a collection of myths and Trad knows the truth. He has only one objective now: kill God.

That is, of course, if he can shake off that pesky demon festering within his soul.

JUDGMENT is a 120,000 word YA thriller told through the perspectives of Trad and those destined to help him free the world from religious control.

[Lise1977]

>Vanity knows about the rage and life force Trad projects and intends to use it to transform into God
it-> them
---
The God stories: a celebration of legends
   1999 - 254 pages

And so great was the rage and force stored up in them by the waiting, they
killed more men than were killed by the sword. So says the song and the story.
But night was nigh and Joshua sought for a way to hold ...
---

>Trad doesn’t just survive, he ends it
confusing, IMO (does he terminate the high school??)

>and those destined to help him free the world from religious control.
confusing: how many are them?

>taunts from the popular crowd, rejections from girls, and brutal punishments from his witch of a stepmother
>the rage and life force Trad projects
not quite consistent with each other

[JMB]

Hi, I think this has potential but it is not quite clear. The opening is good--revenge against god--but I can't quite follow what happens to your MC in the school yard shooting nor how it transforms him into something powerful enough  to kill god.

Two other points confused me in the query. If Cade is a reincarnation of Christ then he already is god (Holy Trinity, right?), so why would he need Trad's powers. Also, wwhy would Trad want to shed the demons in his head. Aren't they the source of this new-found power he needs to defeat god?

Good Luck with this. JMB

[LateToTheParty]

Trad Jenisis blamed God for his screwed up life. Now he has a chance at revenge. As a hook, this is awkward and not supported by anything that follows. Maybe if he was raised in a highly religious home...

An insecure 18-year old, Trad worries about taunts from the popular crowd, rejections from girls, and brutal punishments from his witch of a stepmother for not unloading the dishwasher.
Insecure and socially challenged, Trad suffers taunts and rejection, sadistic punishment from his stepmother for trivial infractions.
When a mysterious religious cult shoots up his high school, Trad doesn't just survive, he ends it. But all he remembers is suddenly holding an assailant's gun and hearing a demonic voice in his head. The voice calls him the Slayer of God.”
Everything to this line is setup. You trump the action and conflict here with a boatload of show. I suggest: When an armed cadre executes a bloody raid on his school, Trad launches into action. In a rage-fueled blur, he ends the siege as a one man juggernaut. Or so he's told. All Trad remembers is the cold weight of a gun in his hand and a voice of hatred calling him the "Slayer of God."

When the same cult abducts a classmate, From your set up, why does he care about this classmate?Trad follows in search of answers. Instead, he finds Cade Vanity, a man who claims to be the reincarnation of Christ. Consider the reveal that the gunmen were cultist, here.Vanity knows understands Trad's rageabout the rage and covets thelife force Trad projects and intends to use it to transform unlock the omniscient power of into God. As an all-powerful deity, Once in control of terrible, celestial powerVanity plans to  will bring forth Judgment Day and eradicate humans to punish them for crucifying the original Son of Man 2,000 years earlier. Huh? I'm sorry, this doesn't track for me and I don't have a suggestion for it.

Religion is nothing more than a collection of myths and Trad knows the truth. He has only one objective now: kill God.

That is, of course, if he can shake off that pesky demon festering within his soul. These last two lines are completely at odds with the body/tone of your query. Specifically the last line reads like it's from another story.

JUDGMENT is a 120,000 word YA thriller told through the perspectives of Trad and those No. You don't need this and it's confusing to cite perspectives not expressly cited in the body of your querydestined to help him free the world from religious control what is TRAD's goal? Revenge on God? Find the classmate? Survive a deity that plans to inslave/use/kill him? Or save the world from religious control?? All may be instrumental to the story but you can't cite them all in the query or it reads like eveything-and-the-kitchen-sink..

I must also agree with others that contend the word count is high. From the query, I would worry about story economy and focus. Karma and perseverance to you. 

[elpato54]

After blacking out during a shooting at his high school, Trad Jenisis finds himself holding the shooter at gunpoint. Too bad he doesn't remember how he got the gun in the first place.

Between taunts and isolation from most of his peers for his social ineptitude and dealing with a trouble family life, Trad wishes everyone would go to hell. He thought ending the shooting would earn him major cool points, but he is faced with bigger problems when the killers return later that night. This time, they kidnap Trad’s classmate and unrequited crush. Chasing her captors back to their headquarters, he uncovers a secret organization to which everyone in Trad’s life – even his own family – is mysteriously connected.
 
The leader of the organization, Cade Vanity, is a self-proclaimed demi-god who covets Trad’s life force. By harnessing this power, Vanity plans to wipe all civilization from the earth and begin anew as God of the earth. Trad has the power to stop Vanity, but is tempted to allow the destruction of everyone who made his life a living hell.
 
JUDGMENT is a 100,000 word YA/Thriller that challenges the conventional meaning of “divine intervention”.