YA Fantasy Query: CAMELOT FOUND (Updated!)

[AnyaHarker]

See post #5 for the new version!

So here's the current query. I'm aware of the length, but I was advised by an author friend of mine that a little longer was okay. I've re-worked a lot, so... this is the current version!


Dear Agent:

Self-absorbed King Arthur isn't Gwen Masterson's only problem. Someone is out to kill her.

Orphaned at seventeen following the death of her father, she and her younger brother Leigh are sent to live with an uncle in the middle of nowhere. Iowa farm life is a far cry from the city-suburbia of New York, but Gwen is determined to make the best of the situation. Things take a turn for the strange when Gwen discovers a book in her uncle's study that, when read, sends her back in time… to Camelot.

Gwen's days are spent in the real world. Her nights, however, are a whirlwind fantasy in beautiful Camelot. It's a dream come true for bookish Gwen until she learns she's nothing more than a pawn in Merlin's schemes and is now trapped in Camelot. The plan is simple: find a strong woman to become Arthur's wife and change the legend. Unfortunately, Arthur treats the headstrong Gwen like any other female of the time: beneath his notice -- and Gwen wants nothing to do with the arrogant boy king. Arthur isn’t Gwen's only problem. The eccentric man Gwen believes to be her uncle is hiding a secret. Morgana has Gwen on her 'top people to kill' list thanks to Merlin's meddling. When Leigh finds the book and attempts to rescue Gwen from Camelot and her upcoming marriage, he becomes Morgana's prisoner instead. Gwen's agenda is growing by the day with no end in sight and time is running out.

Alone in Camelot, Gwen has to rescue her brother and find her way back home – without falling prey to Morgana. This may be Arthur's opportunity for a second chance, but Gwen doesn't have the luxury of a do-over if she fails. Facing the choice between running away from Arthur or following a new destiny, Gwen is caught in the crossfire in a battle to change the course of history.

CAMELOT FOUND is a YA Fantasy novel with romantic elements and is complete at 76,000 words. ‪It is the first installment in an intended trilogy, with the main storyline‬ taking place between the modern and medieval worlds. It will appeal to fans of Arthurian literature, the BBC show Merlin and those who have ever wanted an escape but never anticipated the repercussions.

[LydiaT]

Okay, I'd to start by saying this sounds absolutely AMAZING. Like, really, really good, and I'm not even that big of a fan of Arthurian tales. And with that, my line edits:


Self-absorbed King Arthur isn't Gwen Masterson's only problem. Someone is out to kill her.
I don't think this is really necessary -- it sounds cliched.
Orphaned at seventeen following the death of her father, she Gwen Masterson'sand her younger brother Leigh are sent to live with an uncle in the middle of nowhere. Iowa farm life is a far cry from the city-suburbia choose either city or suburbia of New York, but Gwen is determined to make the best of the situation. Things take a turn for the strange when Gwen discovers a book in her uncle's study that, when read, sends her back in time… to Camelot.

Gwen's days are spent in the real world. Her nights, however, while her nights are a whirlwind fantasy in beautiful Camelot. It's a dream come true for bookish Gwen until she learns she's nothing more than a pawn in Merlin's schemes and is now trapped in Camelot. I like how this line is worded. It gives us some good insight into Gwen;s character  The plan is simple: find a strong woman to become Arthur's wife and change the legend I would put WHY changing the legend is important and why a strong woman is needed to change it. Unfortunately (I would specify that this is unfortunate for Merlin, because at first I thought you were referring to Gwen, which confused me), Arthur treats the headstrong Gwen like any other female of the time: beneath his notice -- and Gwen wants nothing to do with the arrogant boy king.

(New paragraph) ==> ButArthur isn’t Gwen's only problem. The eccentric man Gwen believes to be her uncle is hiding a secret andMorgana now has Gwen on her 'top people to kill' list thanks to Merlin's meddling. When Leigh finds the book and attempts to rescue Gwen from Camelot and her upcoming marriage I thought that Arthur didn't notice her and that she didn't like him?), he becomes Morgana's prisoner instead. Gwen's agenda is growing by the day with no end in sight and time is running out.

Alone in Camelot, Gwen has to rescue her brother and find her way back home – without falling prey to Morgana. This may be Arthur's opportunity for a second chance, but Gwen doesn't have the luxury of a do-over if she fails. Facing the choice between running away from Arthur or following a new destiny, Gwen is caught in the crossfire in a battle to change the course of history.
I don't really think this last para. is necessary, but of course that's subjective. I think that query is done after the line about her agenda: The stakes, the plot, etc. are all there.
CAMELOT FOUND is a YA Fantasy novel with romantic elements and is complete at 76,000 words. ‪It is the first installment in an intended trilogy, with the main storyline‬ taking place between the modern and medieval worlds. It will appeal to fans of Arthurian literature, the BBC show Merlin I think that all titles are in caps. I had a movie reference in my query and used all caps in the titleand those who have ever wanted an escape but never anticipated the repercussions.

Okay, so I have a lot of extra questions and you don't necessarily have to incorporate all of them. I think that this is a good query that could be shortened some and that other things could be clarified. All in all, this story sounds AWESOME.

[allegretta12]

So here's the current query. I'm aware of the length, but I was advised by an author friend of mine that a little longer was okay. I've re-worked a lot, so... this is the current version!


Dear Agent:

Self-absorbed King Arthur isn't Gwen Masterson's only problem. Someone is out to kill her.

Orphaned at seventeen following the death of her father, she and her younger brother Leigh are sent to live with an uncle in the middle of nowhere. Iowa farm life is a far cry from the city-suburbia of New York, but Gwen is determined to make the best of the situation. Things take a turn for the strange when Gwen discovers a book in her uncle's study that, when read, sends her back in time… to Camelot.

Gwen's days are spent in the real world. Her nights, however, are a whirlwind fantasy in beautiful Camelot. It's a dream come true for bookish Gwen until she learns she's nothing more than a pawn in Merlin's schemes and is now trapped in Camelot. The plan is simple: find a strong woman to become Arthur's wife and change the legend. Unfortunately, Arthur treats the headstrong Gwen like any other female of the time: beneath his notice -- and Gwen wants nothing to do with the arrogant boy king. Arthur isn’t Gwen's only problem. The eccentric man Gwen believes to be her uncle is hiding a secret. Morgana has Gwen on her 'top people to kill' list thanks to Merlin's meddling. Who is Morgana? The uncle? When Leigh finds the book and attempts to rescue Gwen from Camelot and her upcoming marriage, he becomes Morgana's prisoner instead. Gwen's agenda is growing by the day with no end in sight and time is running out. I'm not a fan of your word choice here ("agenda"). It makes me picture her scribbling down all the things she needs to do ... or something. I think you could word this sentence more simply and it would still be effective.

Alone in Camelot, Gwen has to rescue her brother and find her way back home – without falling prey to Morgana. This may be Arthur's opportunity for a second chance, but Gwen doesn't have the luxury of a do-over if she fails. Facing the choice between running away from Arthur or following a new destiny, Gwen is caught in the crossfire in a battle to change the course of history. This is a repeat of what you've already said. I'd work on a more compelling ending to the previous paragraph and cut this one completely.

CAMELOT FOUND is a YA Fantasy novel with romantic elements and is complete at 76,000 words. ‪It is the first installment in an intended trilogy, with the main storyline‬ taking place between the modern and medieval worlds. It will appeal to fans of Arthurian literature, the BBC show Merlin and those who have ever wanted an escape but never anticipated the repercussions.

Overall I thought the storyline was clear and your query is well written. Nicely done!

[RalucaB]

I think this sounds great. The query's a bit long, so I suggested cutting a few redundancies. All I think you need to add is why the legend must be changed, and you'll be good to go. Your writing is excellent and I love your twist on the Arthurian tale. Great job

So here's the current query. I'm aware of the length, but I was advised by an author friend of mine that a little longer was okay. I've re-worked a lot, so... this is the current version!


Dear Agent:

Self-absorbed King Arthur isn't Gwen Masterson's only problem. Someone is out to kill her. You show this later. It's not needed.

Orphaned at seventeen following the death of her father, she Gwen Mastersonand her younger brother Leigh are sent to live with an uncle in the middle of nowhere. Iowa farm life is a far cry from the city-suburbia of New York, but Gwen is determined to make the best of the situation. Things take a turn for the strange when Gwen discovers a book in her uncle's study that, when read, sends her back in time… to Camelot.

Gwen's days are spent in the real world. Her nights, however, are a whirlwind fantasy in beautiful Camelot. It's a dream come true for bookish Gwen until she learns she's nothing more than a pawn in Merlin's schemes and is now trapped in Camelot. The plan is simple: find a strong woman to become Arthur's wife and change the legend. I agree with Lydia. Tell us why this legend must be changedUnfortunately, Arthur treats the headstrong Gwen like any other female of the time: beneath his notice -- and Gwen wants nothing to do with the arrogant boy king. Arthur isn’t Gwen's only problem. The eccentric man Gwen believes to be her uncle is hiding a secret. Morgana has Gwen on her 'top people to kill' list thanks to Merlin's meddling. Does Morgana want the legend to stay the same, then, and resolves to kill Gwen for this reason? When Leigh finds the book and attempts to rescue Gwen from Camelot and her upcoming marriage, he becomes Morgana's prisoner instead. Gwen's agenda is growing by the day with no end in sight and time is running out. You can cut this if you want to shorten the query

Alone in Camelot, Gwen has to rescue her brother and find her way back home – without falling prey to Morgana. This may be Arthur's opportunity for a second chance, but Gwen doesn't have the luxury of a do-over if she fails. Facing the choice between running away from Arthur or following a new destiny, Gwen is caught in the crossfire in a battle to change the course of history.

CAMELOT FOUND is a YA Fantasy novel with romantic elements and is complete at 76,000 words. ‪It is the first installment in an intended trilogy, with the main storyline‬ taking place between the modern and medieval worlds. It will appeal to fans of Arthurian literature, the BBC show Merlin and those who have ever wanted an escape but never anticipated the repercussions.

[AnyaHarker]

Awesome. I'll incorporate the suggestions into the final draft. I can't tell you the number of drafts this went through, but looking at the original? It's far improved. Ta! 

[AnyaHarker]

Okay -- here is (I hope) the best version and fills in those last few gaps. 


Dear Agent:

Orphaned at seventeen following the death of her father, Gwen Masterson and her younger brother Leigh are sent to live with an uncle in the middle of nowhere. Iowa farm life is a far cry from the city-suburbia of New York, but Gwen is determined to make the best of the situation. Things take a turn for the strange when Gwen discovers a book in her uncle's study that, when read, sends her back in time... to Camelot.

Gwen's days are spent in the real world while her nights are a whirlwind fantasy in beautiful Camelot. It's a dream come true for bookish Gwen until she learns she's nothing more than a pawn in Merlin's schemes and is now trapped in Camelot. The plan is simple: find a strong woman to become Arthur's wife in order to change the legend and ultimately save Arthur's life. Unfortunately for Merlin, Arthur treats the headstrong Gwen like any other female of the time: beneath his notice -- and Gwen wants nothing to do with the arrogant boy king. Arthur isn’t Gwen's only problem. The eccentric man Gwen believes to be her uncle is hiding a secret. Morgana has Gwen on her 'top people to kill' list thanks to Merlin's meddling. When Leigh finds the book and attempts to rescue Gwen from Camelot and her upcoming marriage, he becomes Morgana's prisoner instead.

Alone in Camelot, Gwen has to rescue her brother and find her way back home without falling prey to Morgana. This may be Arthur's opportunity for a second chance, but Gwen doesn't have the luxury of a do-over if she fails. Facing the choice between fleeing from Arthur or following a new destiny, Gwen is caught in the crossfire in a battle to change the course of history -- and time is running out.

CAMELOT FOUND is a YA Fantasy novel with romantic elements and is complete at 76,000 words. ‪It is the first installment in an intended trilogy, with the main storyline‬ taking place in both the modern and medieval worlds. It will appeal to fans of Arthurian literature, the BBC show MERLIN and those who have ever wanted an escape but never anticipated the repercussions.

[LateToTheParty]

Okay -- here is (I hope) the best version and fills in those last few gaps. 


Dear Agent:

Orphaned at seventeen following the death of her father, Gwen Masterson and her younger brother Leigh are sent to live with an uncle in the middle of nowhere., Iowa. Ffarm life is a far cry from the city-suburbia of New York, but Gwen is determined to make the best of the situation. Things take a turn for the born quickly turns tostrange when Gwen discovers a book in her uncle's study. that, wWhen read, the booksends her back in time... to Camelot.

Gwen's days are spent in the real world while her nights are a whirlwind fantasy in beautiful Camelot. It's a dream come true for bookish Gwen until s(You've shown us this.)he learns she's nothing more than All too soon, Gwen finds she's trapped in Camelot, a pawn in Merlin's schemes and is now trapped in Camelot. The plan is simple: find a strong woman to become Arthur's wife in order to change the legend and ultimately save Arthur's life(I don't love this sentence but I don't have much better to offer.). Unfortunately for Merlin, Arthur treats the headstrong Gwen like any other female of the time: beneath his notice -- and Gwen wants nothing to do with the arrogant boy king. Arthur isn’t Gwen's only problem. The eccentric man Gwen believes to be her uncle is hiding a secret(Show us how this impacts the story or leave it to the novel.). Morgana has Gwen on her 'top people to kill' list thanks to Merlin's meddling. When Leigh finds the book and attempts to rescue Gwen from Camelot and her upcoming marriage, he becomes Morgana's prisoner instead (This line works upto him becoming Morgana's prisoner. We need a more active/immediate why/how.).

Alone in Camelot, Gwen has to rescue her brother and find her way back home without falling prey to Morgana. This may be Merlin's games may winArthur's opportunity for a second chance, but with nothing more than her wit, Gwen doesn't have the luxury a wizard on her side of a do-over if she fails. Facing the choice between fleeing from Arthur or following a new destiny, Gwen is caught in the crossfire in a battle to change the course of history -- and time is running out. (The last sentence needs honing to be the final, powerful and compelling line it must be.)

CAMELOT FOUND is a YA Fantasy novel with romantic elements and is complete at 76,000 words. ‪It is the first installment in an intended trilogy, with the main storyline‬ taking place in both the modern and medieval worlds. It will appeal to fans of Arthurian literature, the BBC show MERLIN and those who have ever wanted an escape but never anticipated the repercussions.

Closer and closer. Perseverance and buono fortuna.