Query Tracker Community
October 21, 2014, 10:08:21 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
News:
 
   Home   Help Search Login Register  
Note: This forum uses different usernames and passwords than those of the main QueryTracker site. 
Please register if you want to post messages.

This forum is also accessible by the public (including search engines).
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Hopefully Last Synopsis for New to the Game,  (Read 846 times)
LateToTheParty
Hero Member
*****

Karma: 350
Offline Offline

Posts: 1478


Stolen? If it's not nailed down, it's mine.


« on: February 07, 2012, 01:02:50 PM »

I've whittled this down to 572 words, one page and I truly hope this is it. Gratitude and karma for all who comment. Thank you.

Fifteen-year-old Roosevelt Prejean loses more than his home and Naval Academy dream when his parents split.  Relocated to Lawton, Oklahoma, he learns ambition and academic excellence do nothing to ease his cold-and-hungry existence.  Roosevelt hustles for work and sells nickel bags to cover the rent.  Then his mom moves in brutal drunk, Benny Randall.       

An argument with Benny turns violent and Roosevelt ends up in the county hospital.  Recovering from a head wound, he makes a new plan.  He slips out of the hospital and scores enough speed to buy his way out of Oklahoma.  In Dallas he walks into a police sweep blocks from the bus station.  Dodging cops, a prostitute and her pimp costs Roosevelt his cash.  Without bus fare he escapes by freight train.  Twenty-four hours of freezing, rain-soaked hitchhiking tests his will. 

Near exhaustion, Roosevelt hides out in a model home and steals a car.  In Houston, he sells the car and searches out his cousin, Doc and the car-theft ring he runs.  Fliers for missing men—apparent street hoods—litter the north side.

Doc agrees to bring him into the game if Roosevelt reconnects with his antagonistic father.  More fliers pop up as more hoods disappear.  Success from car theft attracts attention from a cop who falsely accuses Roosevelt of pushing drugs.  Unable to claim innocence by grand theft, he takes a beating to avoid arrest.  On a hunch, Roosevelt confronts his neighbor, a skid-row pimp named Morris Bell. Morris admits turning the cop onto him and demands to know his source.   

Roosevelt turns to Doc, who proposes a credit-union heist just as they stumble into a police raid.  Separated, Roosevelt flees on foot.  Initially scoffing at armed robbery, with the car-theft action derailed, Roosevelt agrees to the heist as his only means of getting away from the cop. 

He stalls Morris but is abducted for his supposed drug source.  Taken to a farm, Roosevelt kills his abductors in self defense.  While dumping the bodies, he finds the farm littered with bodies from the missing-person fliers.  He breaks into the farmhouse only to find it belongs to the cop on his trail.

With no one else to turn to, Roosevelt runs to his father who helps him sets a trap in motion for the cop.  Days before the heist, Morris ambushes Roosevelt and he only survives with help from another neighbor. Roosevelt dumps Morris’ body on the cop’s farm, narrowly avoiding capture.  The cop is arrested and Roosevelt holes up with the heist crew.

They take the credit union and one of the crew kills another, swearing the dead man planned a double cross.  Roosevelt and the remaining hood wait for Doc to launder the money. 

After dividing the money and splitting up, Roosevelt meets the man that helped him against Morris and pays him off.  Nearly clear, Roosevelt sees a car barreling at him and he runs a five-mile chase before he’s wrecked and forced to make a stand in a tree-lined park.  Wounded and back into a corner, he kills the cop.

While recovering from his injuries, Roosevelt’s father makes a last attempt to get him out of the street life. Roosevelt declines. Determined to live life on his own terms, he tells his father how the heist felt like the only thing he’d ever been totally in control of.  As the sun rises, Roosevelt drives into the city content with the choice he’s made.
Logged

Critiques should spur growth and improvement. Neither is painless.

I don't do personal attacks, defense/debate of work or grudges.

Remember, my comment's worth exactly what you paid for it. Use it, ignore it or PM-me and I'll remove it. 

Buona fortuna!
starbaby017
Sr. Member
****

Karma: 43
Offline Offline

Posts: 184


« Reply #1 on: February 07, 2012, 04:57:53 PM »

Okay... sorry but, I think I increased your word count.  You know me, I'm wordy like that.   blah  wink2
Just remember, you asked for it   lol


Fifteen-year-old Roosevelt Prejean loses more than his home and Naval Academy dream when his parents split. (Maybe I am reading this wrong but, I feel like by saying “more than” that the next sentence would be telling me what else he loses.  Maybe ditch those 2 words.)   Relocated to Lawton, Oklahoma, he learns ambition and academic excellence are worthless when drugs are the local currency.  Roosevelt hustles for work and sells nickel bags to cover the rent.  The cost of living increases when mom moves in brutal drunk, Benny Randall.       

An argument with Benny turns violent, landing Roosevelt in the county hospital.  Recovering from a head wound, he devises a new plan to return pre-divorce life.  He slips out of the hospital and scores enough speed to buy his way out of Oklahoma.  At a supposed quick stop in Dallas, he falls victim to wrong place at the wrong time and walks into a police sweep blocks from the bus station.  Dodging cops, a prostitute and her pimp, he escapes by freight train.  Twenty-four hours of freezing, rain-soaked hitchhiking tests his will. 

Near exhaustion, Roosevelt recuperates in a model home.  Feeling recharged, he steals a car and finally arrives home – Houston.   He sells the car for a quick buck and searches out his cousin, Doc and the car-theft ring he runs.  Crime has increased in his absence and fliers for missing men—apparent street hoods—litter the north side.

Doc agrees to bring him into the game if Roosevelt reconnects with his antagonistic father.  More fliers pop up as more hoods disappear.  Success from car theft attracts attention from Shirley, a cop on the wrong side of the law, who falsely accuses Roosevelt of pushing drugs.  Unable to claim innocence by grand theft, he takes a beating to avoid arrest.  Suspecting foul-play, Roosevelt confronts his neighbor, a skid-row pimp named Morris Bell. Morris admits turning the cop onto him and demands to know his supplier.   (By saying source I thought you meant the person that tipped him off.  If you did, ignore my change)

Roosevelt turns to Doc, who proposes a credit-union heist just as they stumble into a police raid at their garage.  Separated, Roosevelt flees on foot.  Initially scoffing at armed robbery, with the car-theft action derailed, Roosevelt agrees to the heist as his only means of getting away from Shirley.  (Is he a cop or a detective?  Asking for myself personally, just to get a better feel for your story.)

Morris ups the stakes and has Roosevelt abducted for his supposed drug supplier.  Taken to a farm, Roosevelt kills his abductors in self-defense.  While dumping the bodies, he finds the farm already littered with bodies from the missing-person fliers.  He breaks into the farmhouse only to find it belongs to the pig -Shirley.

With no one else to turn to, Roosevelt runs to his father who helps him sets a trap for the vigilante cop.  (Maybe vigilante is the wrong word since he is a cop?)  Days away from performing the heist, Morris ambushes Roosevelt.  He barely  survives with help from another neighbor. Roosevelt dumps Morris’ body on the cop’s farm, narrowly avoiding capture.  Shirley is arrested and Roosevelt holes up with the heist crew.

With the heat gone, they take the credit union and one of the crew kills another, swearing the dead man planned a double cross.  Roosevelt and the remaining crew wait for Doc to launder the money. 

After splitting the money and their ties, Roosevelt meets the man that helped him against Morris and rewards him, he’s finally free. (Or was he paying him to keep quiet? If so… my bad.  Or you could skip talking about that guy all together???)  Amidst celebrating, Roosevelt notices a car barreling at him.  After a daunting five-mile chase, he’s wrecked and forced to make a stand in a tree-lined park.  Wounded and backed into a corner, he kills Shirley.

While recovering from his injuries, Roosevelt’s father makes a last attempt to get him out of the street life. Roosevelt declines. Determined to live life on his own terms, he tells his father how the heist felt like the only thing he’d ever been totally in control of.  As the sun rises, Roosevelt drives into the city content with the choice he’s made.


Maybe it's just me but, with Shirley being your main bad guy, it felt wrong not accknowledging him by name here.  But what do I know?  I'm the new kid on the block.  Yes I went there  Grin
Logged
LateToTheParty
Hero Member
*****

Karma: 350
Offline Offline

Posts: 1478


Stolen? If it's not nailed down, it's mine.


« Reply #2 on: February 07, 2012, 07:05:45 PM »

SB017,

Thanks for your time and consideration. To answer you question, (belatedly) Shirley's a former detective bumped down to beat cop, (all puns intended as he's bumped for beating, well, everybody). Have a karma kookie.

LTTP
« Last Edit: February 09, 2012, 08:22:10 AM by LateToTheParty » Logged

Critiques should spur growth and improvement. Neither is painless.

I don't do personal attacks, defense/debate of work or grudges.

Remember, my comment's worth exactly what you paid for it. Use it, ignore it or PM-me and I'll remove it. 

Buona fortuna!
Tigerbunny
Hero Member
*****

Karma: 83
Offline Offline

Posts: 309



« Reply #3 on: February 08, 2012, 10:10:18 AM »

Fifteen-year-old Roosevelt Prejean lostes more than his home and Naval Academy dream when his parents split. (You state here that he loses something else but in the next sentence you don't state what that is.) Relocated to Lawton, Oklahoma, he learns ambition and academic excellence do nothing to ease his cold-and-hungry existence. so Roosevelt is forced to hustles for menial work and sells nickel bags to cover the rent.  Then his mom moves in brutal drunk, Benny Randall.       

When An argument with Benny turns violent, and Roosevelt ends up in the county hospital. Recovering from a head wound, Disgusted, he makes a new plan...to get his old life back.  Hes slip Slipping out of the hospital,  and Roosevelt scores enough speed to buy his way out of Oklahoma.  In but a layover in Dallas he walks has him walking into a police sweep blocks from the bus station.  Dodging cops, a prostitute and her pimp costs Roosevelt his cash.  W and without bus fare he must escapes by freight train though Twenty-four hours of freezing, rain-soaked hitchhiking tests his will. Near exhaustion, Roosevelt hides out in a model home and steals a car.  (Can't remember what you had before but I liked it...you should keep it - the last 50 miles?)

In Houston, he Roosevelt sells the car and searches out his cousin, Doc.  Doc runs a lucrative business stealing cars but he's got a condition for taking Roosevelt on.  Roosevelt must reconnect with his antagonistic father.  and the car-theft ring he runs. (Roosevelt starts to notice)Fliers for missing men—apparent street hoods—(begin to) litter the north side.

Doc agrees to bring him into the game if Roosevelt reconnects with his antagonistic father. Then More fliers pop up as and more hoods disappear. as Roosevelt's Success from car theft at thieving cars attracts the attention from of a cop who falsely accuses Roosevelt of pushing drugs.  Unable to claim innocence by grand theft,(this is confusing to me as he's innocent of pushing dope period or he's innocent because he was stealing cars at the time - I would remove "by grand theft" because It's seems confusing) he takes a beating to avoid arrest.  On a hunch, Roosevelt confronts his neighbor, a skid-row pimp named Morris Bell. Morris admits turning the cop onto him and demands to know his source.   

Roosevelt turns to Doc (for what? - help/money/protection), who proposes a credit-union heist just as they stumble into a police raid (on Doc's chop shop?). Separated, Roosevelt flees on foot.  Initially scoffing at armed robbery, with the car-theft action derailed, Roosevelt agrees to the heist as his only means of getting away from the cop.

Trying to stall Morris, the pimp has him He stalls Morris but is abductedfor his supposed drug source. and Taken to a farm, but Roosevelt kills his abductors instead. self defense.  While dumping the bodieshis attackers, he finds the farm littered with bodies from the missing-person fliers.  He breaksing into the farmhouse, Roosevelt only to finds it belongs to the cop on his trail.

With no one else to turn to, With Doc gone(?), Roosevelt runs turns to his father who helps him sets a trap in motion for the cop.  Days before the heist, Morris ambushes Roosevelt and he only survives with help from another neighbor. Roosevelt dumps Morris’ body on the cop’s farm, narrowly avoiding capture.  The cop is arrested and Roosevelt holes up with the heist crew.

They Taking the credit union,  and one of the crew kills another, swearing the dead man planned a double cross (putting them all in jeopardy? - I think you should either expound on it or remove it and just say they took the credit union and Roosevelt and the hood waited for Doc to launder the money.)  .  Roosevelt and the remaining hood wait for Doc to launder the money.

After dividing the money and splitting up, The money split, Roosevelt meets the man that helped him against Morris and pays him off.  Nearly clear, Roosevelt sees a car barreling at him and he runs a five-mile chase before he’s wrecked and forced to make a stand in a tree-lined park.  Wounded and back into a corner, he kills the cop. (This is very confusing to me.  Is he in a car or on foot/ how is this cop related to the story?  Is this a new cop/Shirley's partner/from the raid or totally unrelated?)

While recovering from his injuries, Roosevelt’s father makes a last attempt to get him out of the street life. Roosevelt declines. Determined to live life on his own terms, he tells his father how the heist felt like the only thing he’d ever been totally in control of.  As the sun rises, Roosevelt drives into the city content with the choice he’s made. (I'm also a little confused by this too because I thought Doc was in charge of the heist? Did Doc relinquish his role as top dog to Roosevelt?) 


Again, hate messin' with your style!  Don't you just love Synopsi? 

- Tigerbunny Smiley
« Last Edit: February 08, 2012, 10:17:41 AM by Tigerbunny » Logged
LateToTheParty
Hero Member
*****

Karma: 350
Offline Offline

Posts: 1478


Stolen? If it's not nailed down, it's mine.


« Reply #4 on: February 08, 2012, 12:24:08 PM »

Don't you just love Synopsi? 

- Tigerbunny Smiley

No. I do love the excellent suggestions, though. Thanks and karma to you, TB.
Logged

Critiques should spur growth and improvement. Neither is painless.

I don't do personal attacks, defense/debate of work or grudges.

Remember, my comment's worth exactly what you paid for it. Use it, ignore it or PM-me and I'll remove it. 

Buona fortuna!
thewiredwriter
Jr. Member
**

Karma: 8
Offline Offline

Posts: 38



« Reply #5 on: February 20, 2012, 01:21:32 PM »

I've whittled this down to 572 words, one page and I truly hope this is it. Gratitude and karma for all who comment. Thank you.

Fifteen-year-old Roosevelt Prejean lost loses (I like lost better, too)more than his home and along with his Naval Academy dreams when his parents split.  Now,relocated to Lawton, Oklahoma, he learns findsambition and academic excellence do nothing to ease his cold-and-hungry existence won't provide him with food or shelter.  Roosevelt turns tohustles hustlingfor work and sells nickel 1/8bags of purple kush to cover the rent.  Then And nowhis mom stupidlymoves in abrutal drunk, named Benny Randall -which makes things much worse.       

An argument with Benny turns violent and Roosevelt ends up which sends Roosevelt toin the county hospital.  Recovering fromhis a head wound, he makes a new plan.  He slips out of the hospital and scores enough speed to buy his way out of Oklahoma. After running away to  In Dallas he Rooseveltwalks rightinto a police sweep blocks from the bus station.  Dodging copsLosing a battle witha prostitute and her pimp costs Roosevelt allhis cash, and  Without bus fare he escapes by freight train.  Twenty-four hours of freezing, rain-soaked hitchhiking tests his will. 

Near exhaustion, Roosevelt hides out in a model home and steals before desperately (or another adj.) stealinga car.  Finally,In Houston, he sells the car and searches out his cousin, crazy-ass Doc, and the car-theft ring he runs.  Fliers for missing men—apparent all looking like degenerate street hoods—litter the north side.

Doc agrees to bring him into the game if Roosevelt reconnectshim with his antagonistic (Huh? you may need to explain this a bit) father.  More fliers pop up as more hoods disappear.  What the hell is going on down here?  Unfortunately, his successful car theftsSuccess from car theft attracts attention from a cop who falsely accuses Roosevelt of pushing drugs, and Unable to claim innocence by grand theft, he takes a beating to avoid arrest.  On a hunch, Roosevelt confronts his neighbor, a skid-row pimp named Morris Bell. Morris admits turning the cop onto him and demands to know his source A confusing sentence, here.  may need to retool a bit.   

With nowhere else to turn, Roosevelt succumbsturns to Doc, who proposes a credit-union heist, but something goes terribly wrong just as they stumble into a police raid (give them something to crave naughty).  Separated, Roosevelt flees on foot.  Initially scoffing at armed robbery, with the car-theft action derailed, Roosevelt agrees to the heist as his only means of getting away from the cop you may need to retool this one as well...

He stalls Morris but is abducted for his supposed drug source.After Morris double-crosses Roosevelt, he is  Taken to a farm, where he is forced to kill Roosevelt kills his abductors in self defense.  While dumping the bodies, he finds the farm littered with bodies While cleaning up, Roosevelt stumbles across several bodies from the missing-person fliers.  Scared sh**less, He breaks into the farmhouse only to find it belongs to the cop on his trail.

With no one else to turn to, Roosevelt runs to his father who helps him sets a trap in motion Finally enlisting his absent father's help, they set a trap for the cop.  Days before the heist, Morris ambushes Roosevelt and he only survives with help from another neighbor. Roosevelt,having dumped Morris' dumps Morris’ body on the cop’s farm, narrowly avoidinges capture.  The cop is arrested and Roosevelt holes up with the heist crew.

They take the credit union and butone of the a crew member kills another, swearing the dead man planned a double cross.  Roosevelt, in way over his head and the remaining hood wait for Doc to launder the money. 

After dividing the money and splitting up, Roosevelt meetspays off the man that helped himoff against Morris and pays him off.  Nearly clear, Roosevelt sees a car barreling at him and he runs a five-mile chase before he’s wrecked and is forced to make a stand in a tree-lined park.  Wounded and backed into a corner, he kills the cop.

While recovering from his injuries, Roosevelt’s father makes a last attempt to get him out of the street life. Roosevelt declines. Determined to live life on his own terms, he tells his father how the heist felt like the only thing he’d ever been totally in control ofAs the sun rises, Roosevelt drives into the city content with the choice he’s made. I think it'd be a greater impact just to end it there! Thumbs Up

Wow!  What a story, dude!  All this from a fifteen year old, too!  You go, Roosevelt Prejean!!

Other than just a few touches about immediacy (something you've taught me a great deal about wink2), I think you're pretty much there. 

As always...good luck to you, my friend.

Logged

-Do right by yourself
-Do right by your family
-Do right by your community
-Can't go wrong
LateToTheParty
Hero Member
*****

Karma: 350
Offline Offline

Posts: 1478


Stolen? If it's not nailed down, it's mine.


« Reply #6 on: February 20, 2012, 08:39:29 PM »

TWW, you're aces.  Thumbs Up Karma kookies and eternal gratitude to you, family.   Grin
Logged

Critiques should spur growth and improvement. Neither is painless.

I don't do personal attacks, defense/debate of work or grudges.

Remember, my comment's worth exactly what you paid for it. Use it, ignore it or PM-me and I'll remove it. 

Buona fortuna!
LydiaT
Hero Member
*****

Karma: 74
Offline Offline

Posts: 307



« Reply #7 on: February 24, 2012, 02:26:29 PM »

Late, this sounds awesome! All my suggestions are stylistic, so keep what makes sense and drop what doesn't  Grin



Fifteen-year-old Roosevelt Prejean loses more than his home and Naval Academy dream when his parents split.  Relocated to Lawton, Oklahoma, he learns ambition and academic excellence do nothing to ease his cold-and-hungry existence.  Roosevelt hustles for work and sells nickel bags What are nickel bags? to cover the rent.  Then his mom moves in brutal drunk, Benny Randall.       

An argument with Benny turns violent and Roosevelt ends up in the county hospital.  Recovering from a head wound, he makes a new plan.  I feel like it'd sound better if you combined these two sentences, i.e.: 'After recovering from a head wound, he slips out of the hospital...'He slips out of the hospital and scores enough speed to buy his way out of Oklahoma.  In Dallas he walks into a police sweep blocks from the bus station.  Dodging cops, a prostitute, and her pimp costs Roosevelt his cash Why?.  Without bus fare he escapes by freight train.  Twenty-four hours of freezing, rain-soaked hitchhiking tests his will. 

Near exhaustion, Roosevelt hides out in a model home and steals a car.  In Houston, he sells the car and searches out his cousin, Doc, and the car-theft ring he runs For a second, I thought that Roosevelt ran the car-theft ring. Ah, pronouns Smiley Also, why does Roosevelt need Doc?.  Fliers for missing men—apparent street hoods—litter the north side.

Doc agrees to bring him into the game if Roosevelt reconnects with his antagonistic father Why does Doc care?.  More fliers pop up as more hoods disappear.  Success from car theft attracts attention from a cop who falsely accuses Roosevelt of pushing drugs.  Unable to claim innocence by grand theft, he takes a beating to avoid arrest.  On a hunch, Roosevelt confronts his neighbor, a skid-row pimp named Morris Bell. Morris admits turning the cop onto him and demands to know his source.   

Roosevelt turns to Doc, who proposes a credit-union heist just as they stumble into a police raid.  Separated, Roosevelt flees on foot.  Initially scoffing at armed robbery, with the car-theft action derailed, Roosevelt agrees to the heist as his only means of getting away from the cop. 

He stalls Morris but is abducted for his supposed drug source.  Taken to a farm, Roosevelt kills his abductors in self defense.  While dumping the bodies, he finds the farm littered with bodies from the missing-person fliers.  He breaks into the farmhouse only to find it belongs to the cop on his trail.

With no one else to turn to, Roosevelt runs to his father who helps him sets a trap in motion for the cop.  Days before the heist, Morris ambushes Roosevelt and he only survives with help from another neighbor. Roosevelt dumps Morris’ body on the cop’s farm, narrowly avoiding capture.  The cop is arrested and Roosevelt holes up with the heist crew.

They take the credit union and one of the crew kills another, swearing the dead man planned a double cross.  Roosevelt and the remaining hood wait for Doc to launder the money. 

After dividing the money and splitting up, Roosevelt meets the man that helped him against Morris and pays him off.  Nearly clear, Roosevelt sees a car barreling at him and he runs a five-mile chase before he’s wrecked and forced to make a stand in a tree-lined park.  Wounded and back into a corner, he kills the cop.

While recovering from his injuries, Roosevelt’s father makes a last attempt to get him out of the street life. Roosevelt declines. Determined to live life on his own terms, he tells his father how the heist felt like the only thing he’d ever been totally in control of.  As the sun rises, Roosevelt drives into the city content with the choice he’s made.

I love how the lines between good/evil and right/wrong are blurred. This sounds great!
Logged
LateToTheParty
Hero Member
*****

Karma: 350
Offline Offline

Posts: 1478


Stolen? If it's not nailed down, it's mine.


« Reply #8 on: February 24, 2012, 03:48:34 PM »

I love how the lines between good/evil and right/wrong are blurred. This sounds great!
[/quote]

L_to_the_T, with that one line, you totally get everything I'm fascinated with. One guy steals hundreds of millions and is sentenced to 20 years at Club Fed. Some kid steals/deals/heists to feed himself and he gets 20 years in a maximum security slam like hell on earth. I've always been obsessed with who's good, who's bad and who gets to decide. Karma kookies and gratitude for your kind suggestions and consideration.  Thumbs Up
Logged

Critiques should spur growth and improvement. Neither is painless.

I don't do personal attacks, defense/debate of work or grudges.

Remember, my comment's worth exactly what you paid for it. Use it, ignore it or PM-me and I'll remove it. 

Buona fortuna!
LydiaT
Hero Member
*****

Karma: 74
Offline Offline

Posts: 307



« Reply #9 on: February 25, 2012, 02:20:02 PM »

I love how the lines between good/evil and right/wrong are blurred. This sounds great!

L_to_the_T, with that one line, you totally get everything I'm fascinated with. One guy steals hundreds of millions and is sentenced to 20 years at Club Fed. Some kid steals/deals/heists to feed himself and he gets 20 years in a maximum security slam like hell on earth. I've always been obsessed with who's good, who's bad and who gets to decide. Karma kookies and gratitude for your kind suggestions and consideration.  Thumbs Up
[/quote]

It kind of reminds me of Les Miserables by Victor Hugo, when the hero is a convict and an important lady is a prostitute, while the main villain is a policeman. However, the convict is a caring man who the reader can't help but root for. These kind of books are just so interesting, because it makes you question whether right is right or wrong is wrong.
Logged
Telesphorian
Hero Member
*****

Karma: 42
Offline Offline

Posts: 207


Do what you love and don't apologize for it!


« Reply #10 on: April 04, 2012, 03:22:04 PM »

Looks like you got some solid feedback already, so I'll just mention my overall reactions.


Fifteen-year-old Roosevelt Prejean loses more than his home and Naval Academy dream when his parents split.  Relocated to Lawton, Oklahoma, he learns ambition and academic excellence do nothing to ease his cold-and-hungry existence.  Roosevelt hustles for work and sells nickel bags to cover the rent.  Then his mom moves in brutal drunk, Benny Randall.  this line confused me...I think "moves in Benny Randall, a brutal drunk." would be more clear     

An argument with Benny turns violent and Roosevelt ends up in the county hospital.  Recovering from a head wound, he makes a new plan.  He slips out of the hospital and scores enough speed to buy his way out of Oklahoma.  In Dallas he walks into a police sweep blocks from the bus station.  Dodging cops, a prostitute and her pimp costs Roosevelt his cash. I'm confused about who got the money? The pimp for helping him dodge the cops? or did he have to pay everybody off? Without bus fare he escapes by freight train.  Twenty-four hours of freezing, rain-soaked hitchhiking tests his will. 

Near exhaustion, Roosevelt hides out in a model home and steals a car.  In Houston, he sells the car and searches out his cousin, Doc and the car-theft ring he runs.  Fliers for missing men—apparent street hoods—litter the north side.

Doc agrees to bring him into the game if Roosevelt reconnects with his antagonistic father.why does Doc want him to recconect? For his own good?  More fliers pop up as more hoods disappear.  Success from car theft attracts attention from a cop who falsely accuses Roosevelt of pushing drugs. wasn't he pushing drugs earlier? somehow my heart doesn't really go out to him Unable to claim innocence by grand theft, he takes a beating to avoid arrest. Don't understand what happened here. How could he claim innocence by grand theft? Maybe I just don't know the street jargon. On a hunch, Roosevelt confronts his neighbor, a skid-row pimp named Morris Bell. Morris admits turning the cop onto him and demands to know his source.  his source for the drugs? 

Roosevelt turns to Doc, who proposes a credit-union heist just as they stumble into a police raid.  Separated, Roosevelt flees on foot.  Initially scoffing at armed robbery, with the car-theft action derailed, Roosevelt agrees to the heist as his only means of getting away from the cop. 

He stalls Morris but is abducted for his supposed drug source. Is Morris the abductor? because I'm thinking they are two different people..if they are, make that clearer Taken to a farm, Roosevelt kills his abductors in self defense.  While dumping the bodies, he finds the farm littered with bodies from the missing-person fliers.  He breaks into the farmhouse only to find it belongs to the cop on his trail. LOVE THIS TWIST. Nothing worse than a dirty cop. He's in big trouble!

With no one else to turn to, Roosevelt runs to his father who helps him sets a trap in motion for the cop.  Days before the heist, Morris ambushes Roosevelt and he only survives with help from another neighbor.don't you need something in her about morris dying? yes we infer it from the body dumping, but it's just not nice Roosevelt dumps Morris’ body on the cop’s farm, narrowly avoiding capture.  The cop is arrested and Roosevelt holes up with the heist crew.

They take the credit union and one of the crew kills another, swearing the dead man planned a double cross.  Roosevelt and the remaining hood wait for Doc to launder the money. 

After dividing the money and splitting up, Roosevelt meets the man that helped him against Morris and pays him off.  Nearly clear, Roosevelt sees a car barreling at him and he runs a five-mile chase before he’s wrecked and forced to make a stand in a tree-lined park.  Wounded and back into a corner, he kills the cop. take that copper!  Evil

While recovering from his injuries, Roosevelt’s father makes a last attempt to get him out of the street life. Roosevelt declines. Determined to live life on his own terms, he tells his father how the heist felt like the only thing he’d ever been totally in control of.  As the sun rises, Roosevelt drives into the city content with the choice he’s made. depressing, but oddly satisfying

This sounds like a gritty look at the darker side of human nature. I love it! I like that you got it down to a page. There were just a couple things that confused me, but that's probably because I only read YA novels. heh heh Way to go! Good luck with this.
Logged
LateToTheParty
Hero Member
*****

Karma: 350
Offline Offline

Posts: 1478


Stolen? If it's not nailed down, it's mine.


« Reply #11 on: April 04, 2012, 09:00:56 PM »

Thanks, T. I appreciate your fresh eyes on this and your insight. Have a karma kookie, you're good peeps.  Thumbs Up
Logged

Critiques should spur growth and improvement. Neither is painless.

I don't do personal attacks, defense/debate of work or grudges.

Remember, my comment's worth exactly what you paid for it. Use it, ignore it or PM-me and I'll remove it. 

Buona fortuna!
Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.2 | SMF © 2006-2007, Simple Machines LLC Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!