Occasional second person

[Karolina]

Is that a no-no?
The manuscript I'm currently editing is written in first person, but three or four times through the book, I've written a sentence or two in the second person(like, when my main character 'talks to herself'). I've included one paragraph below where that's a case. Should I remove the second person sentences? Does it stand out too much from the rest?
So, the paragraph...

Summer Pearl gathered a large group of students before the classroom. The Queen of Gossips – the very last person I wanted to see. I forced a smile when she called me. Pretend, Elizabeth. You’re one of them. Judson’s a fool who goes through a midlife crisis. Summer twittered like a toddler who successfully robbed the toy shop. I’ve seen cheerleaders with higher IQ.

[LateToTheParty]

Karolina,

Granted I don't have a good handle on 2nd person, (I thought it was: You go into a bar. You order a drink. You don't understand why the whiskey tastes so nasty. Then you realize it's gin.)  but this seems more like third to first and I don't love/don't hate this, (not as much as jarring POV shifts) as long as you transition well. That stated, I wouldn't do it and I absolutely would NOT do it in the first five pages/synopsis. I can see an agent send out an RR, (rocket reject) at the first sight of this. I'll watch this thred with interest for my distinguished colleagues' opinions.

Good question.

LTTP

[Karolina]

And karma for you! Thanks for the opinion. No, it's not in the first five pages - not in the first twenty, actually. I don't know, I just wanted to hear if it's so bad to occasionally throw it in. Like in that paragraph.

[Tabris]

Characters talking to themselves aren't a second person narrator.  Second person narrator is, as LTTP says, the narrator speaking in second person as if the reader is the one performing the actions in the story.  "You walk into his apartment, smelling the scent of his wife's perfume. Shivering, you wonder if she knows. Look at her shoes under the bed."  That kind of thing.

The second person sentence in there is actually her thought, no? So italicize it and be done.

[bodwen]

It's still first person.  It's just internal dialogue in first person. 

Second person would be more like "Summer Pearl gathered a large group of students before the classroom. The Queen of Gossips – you know, the very last person you want to see when you're in my situation?" which is called "breaking the fourth wall" and is also okay in moderation.

[Karolina]

Okay, thanks for making that clearer.

[edelweiss]

And if you don't want to italicize (cuz some folks recommend no italics  in the MS because that's editor's business), then put the internal thought on a separate line.

[dalgara]

So is second person plural breaking the fifth wall? I'd like to see that handled.

Or maybe second person plural, in the pluperfect tense, subjunctive voice? Oh, the walls we shall tear down together.

Seriously, though, I don't think anything outside of first or third person singular should be employed for any extended duration. I really hated THE HUNGER GAMES (I know, you hate me for even saying that). And it's so limiting and gimmicky. Used as a tool of short-term perspective and tension, I think we should be trying anything that takes our fancy, but to use it as the primary voice stunts the reader and narrows his or her experience within the narrative.

Just a couple of cents.

[Tabris]

CHeaper By The Dozen used first person plural for the whole narrative. It was remarkably effective, and I can't imagine that story told any other way than from the seeming perspective of all the kids.

I've never read a second person plural narrative. ;-)  "Y'all head down to the stadium, where you can't find any parking. You guys keep looking, but no spaces open up."  Yeah, that would stink. 

[dalgara]

I suppose it's just a matter of opinion. My eye starts to twitch when I think about a second person narrative.

[bodwen]

I've never read a second person plural narrative. ;-)  "Y'all head down to the stadium, where you can't find any parking. You guys keep looking, but no spaces open up."  Yeah, that would stink. 

LOL.  I think you're on to something.   

[dalgara]

"Y'all head down to the stadium, where you can't find any parking. You guys keep looking, but no spaces open up."  Yeah, that would stink. 

You forgot the pluperfect subjunctive!

"Y'all may have headed down to the stadium, where you might not have found any parking. You guys should have kept looking, but perhaps no spaces will have opened up."

[LateToTheParty]

Okay, enough, my eyes are bleeding.

[Tabris]

"Y'all head down to the stadium, where you can't find any parking. You guys keep looking, but no spaces open up."  Yeah, that would stink. 

You forgot the pluperfect subjunctive!

"Y'all may have headed down to the stadium, where you might not have found any parking. You guys should have kept looking, but perhaps no spaces will have opened up."

"And when that happens, y'all will have headed down to the stadium, but you guys won't never find no parking there. No, even if you guys shoulda kept on looking, you ain't gonna be finding yourself a space because ain't nobody gonna be leaving yet."

[bodwen]

   too.  Only mine are tears of laughter.  This is awesome!