The Reflectory (genre: paranormal mystery) See reply #69

[dannyboy]

Oh, I'm sorry . . . I'm clearly very slow (and new). I just got the Karma thing. Karmas all around on this thread! I'm applauding all you guys. Thanks.

[Odie]

Dannyboy:

I liked what I read and agree with the comments made completely! But it sounds intriguing to be sure!

[clmatic]

This is a wonderful story and overall I liked the most recent version of your query.  Just a few suggestions...

Dear Ms. Ann Agentia:

Alex Fitzgerald has a disorder called synesthesia. His thoughts have texture, his feelings have smells. When his son dies, the aching loss tastes earthy yet sweet, like cinnamon. His wife’s grief smells of fresh cut wood. ((GREAT opening))

To save their struggling marriage, Alex and his wife rent a secluded estate on Lake Superior. But when Alex discovers a scrawled message from the recently murdered architect/owner begging Alex ((Does the note address Alex by name? If it does I would state that specifically)) to use his disorder as a gift to find and save an unnamed creation ((The reference throughout to an unamed creation is clumsy.  I would tell the agent what it is ...machine? man? a combo of both?)) hidden on the grounds. While the architect’s killer secretly watches him, Alex discovers that he is able, in certain locations—the library, the master bedroom, the boathouse—to see holes in the fabric of the sensory world that lead to another dimension.

The murdered architect/owner was the leader of a secret society, men and women possessing the highest IQs, that embarked on expeditions from the ((architect’s creation - again, what's the creation?) into this uncharted dimension. In the right hands, the information they bring back to the creation () has the power to enrich mankind and create a new age of enlightenment. In the wrong hands, that same information could destroy the world.  When the architect's killer, using Alex as bait, gets a hold of the creation, it's up to Alex to.....

THE BLUE VIOLIN is a 90,000-word novel of suspense with elements of magical realism.  A synopsis and full manuscript are avilable upon request.

I am a Long Ridge Writers graduate and have written pieces on travel and the arts for the Alnwick Advertiser newspaper while living at Alnwick Castle in England.

Thank you for your time and attention.

Sincerely,

Good luck with this, it sounds like a great read!

[dannyboy]

Clmatic,

Thanks! I've modified per your suggestions. Hope you are satisfied with calling it a Reflectory. In the book, that's just what it is. Hoping agents will be okay with me using a made-up word.

I'm curious to hea what you all think.

Dear Ms. Abigale Agente:

Alex Fitzgerald has a disorder called synesthesia. His thoughts have texture, his feelings have smells. When his son dies, the aching loss tastes earthy yet sweet, like cinnamon. His wife’s grief smells of fresh cut wood.

To save their failing marriage, the couple rents a secluded estate on Lake Superior. But a scrawled message from the recently murdered architect/owner begs for someone to find and save a creation called a Reflectory that is hidden on the grounds. While the architect’s killer secretly watches them, Alex’s disorder transforms into a cognitive capacity to see through the fabric of the physical environment. In certain locations—the library, the master bedroom, the boathouse—Alex’s mind is guided by the dead architect into a force emanating from the Reflectory.

A secret society of the world’s most intelligent people embark on expeditions from the Reflectory into a realm that exists just beyond the human physical senses. What they bring back to the creation has the power to enrich any visitor with a brilliant enlightenment. Or render them insane.

When the killer lays claim to the creation, Alex heads straight for him and then into the one place that might prove deadlier than the gun in the killer’s hand.

THE BLUE VIOLIN is a 90,000-word novel of suspense with elements of magical realism. It is a blend of The Secret Garden and The Shadow of the Wind with a Dan Brown plotline.

I am a Long Ridge Writers graduate and have written pieces on travel and the arts for the Alnwick Advertiser newspaper while living at Alnwick Castle in England.

Thank you for your time and attention.

Sincerely,
 
Me

[Zooks]

dannyboy - I really like this story and it's interesting to read the mutations your query has taken.  Don't mean to be nit-picky, just trying to be helpful.  Ignore all if you like. 

If the hobbit-man only makes that one cameo, it's good that you omitted him from the query. I think more tension/threat is needed - shown, not told.

Alex Fitzgerald has a disorder called synesthesia. His thoughts have texture, his feelings have smells. When his son dies, the aching loss tastes earthy yet sweet, like cinnamon. His wife’s grief smells of fresh cut wood. [curious why you changed this to their loss having different smells when earlier you'd listed what love smells like - you don't want your reader/agent to think he and his wife feel differently about the loss of the child and have them go off on the wrong tangent]  [Has he always had this disorder or did it just come upon him when his son died?  Also, though fascinating it strikes me as off the chart coincidental that his former professor had it too and they're both architects and that the dead architect's mentor [?] had it too.  Is it that common?]   You've also removed the words have color bit. I liked that and would like you to include one example since it might help to add to the opening since I don't really see a hook.  I find it curious that for both of them their loss smells good. You also say HIS feelings have smells so is the freshly cut wood smell what he FEELS his wife's loss to be?  Am I reading too much into this? Maybe it's just me.]

To save their failing marriage, [was their marriage failing before the son's death?  If not, I'd call it crumbling so the reader knows it's due to the son's death] the couple rents a secluded estate on Lake Superior. But a scrawled message from the recently murdered architect/owner begs for someone to find and save a creation called a Reflectory that is hidden on the grounds. [wouldn't the architect be concerned that the killer would find the note?] While the architect’s killer secretly watches them, Alex’s disorder transforms into a cognitive capacity to see through the fabric of the physical environment. In certain locations—the library, the master bedroom, the boathouse—Alex’s mind is guided by the dead architect into a force emanating from the Reflectory. [does he think he's going insane? Again, this is coming across as telling us, I'd like to see how Alex is reacting]

A secret society of the world’s most intelligent people embarks on expeditions from the Reflectory into a realm that exists just beyond the human physical senses. [how'd they find it if it was hidden? I know they're high IQ types but...]  What they bring back to the creation has the power to enrich any visitor with a brilliant enlightenment. Or render them insane.  [how far into the book does this happen?  The query is only to cover up to the first 30-50 pages]

When the killer lays claim to the creation, ['lays claim' sounds too passive to me.  I think it'd be more like he's got a gun pressing into Kate's temple] Alex heads straight for him and then into the one place that might prove deadlier than the gun in the killer’s hand.

THE BLUE VIOLIN is a 90,000-word novel of suspense with elements of magical realism. It is a blend of The Secret Garden and The Shadow of the Wind with a Dan Brown plotline.

I am a Long Ridge Writers graduate and have written pieces on travel and the arts for the Alnwick Advertiser newspaper while living at Alnwick Castle in England.

Thank you for your time and attention.

Sincerely,

You lucky pup. How'd you manage the Alnwick Castle gig?  Bet you've got some great ghost stories up your sleeve.  Good luck with this.  I'm sure you can rework this and get an opening hook to really grab an agent's attention.    karma to you.

[edelweiss]

I, too, like your premise, and your writing is solid.

I agree with Zooks' suggestions and would add a couple of my own:
"Alex Fitzgerald has a disorder called synesthesia. "

"A secret society of the world’s most intelligent people embark on expeditions from the Reflectory into a realm that exists just beyond the human physical senses." I'm not certain what you are going for here. Regular people enter realms beyond their physical senses all the time, e.g. using an infrared sensor, judging the size of a black hole, or surfing the internet. If you mean they discover a new sense, then say that. If they are experiencing something that others cannot, I'd call that a new sense.

"What they bring back to the creation has the power to enrich any visitor with a brilliant enlightenment." I don't think one can be enriched with an enlightenment. Enriched by enlightenment is not much better. Enlightenment is too big a deal to only enrich.

I'd like to hear about the wife again before the end of the query. They're in this together, right?

Good luck and don't despair.  Querying is tough business.

[dannyboy]

Mary,
I love your comments and questions. You get this, which is a relief. I’m not sure if some of your questions are for your own curiosity or if you think the answers to them might be a prompt for you to suggest other improvements in the query.  Either way . . .

Yes, he’s always had this disorder but it worsened when his son died. I like that his own loss smells sweet. It is unexpected. And to me it just seems perfect. The loss and love indeed mixed together so he needs the love to be present, as well, in order to taste and smell the cinnamon. It is only Alex who has this disorder and so his wife’s grief invokes the smell of fresh cut wood in his mind. She doesn’t experience this.  If all this is not clear, I could try to reword…

His relationship with his wife was rocky pre-death, but it also got much worse after. So, keep the description of it as failing, right?

You think that adding “words have color” would help the hook? Not sure I see how that would increase the intrigue level. I’m curious to hear more from you on this.

There really are no coincidences in the story (that I can recall). Yes, they both do have synesthesia and I suppose it’s a premise in my novel that architects are more likely to have it.

Yes, the secret society stuff comes up toward the end, well beyond 50 pages. So, cut it entirely? I sort of like it because it validates that this is a real place with high stakes. Hmmm…

Some of your questions, Zooks, get into the details of the story that I wouldn’t necessarily include in the query yet I don’t want my query triggering the wrong sort of questions, either. For example, yes, the architect is concerned that the killer would find the note but he had only a day of planning before he died so it is a risk he had to take. He left the message (and other things) worded in such a way that only a certain type of person would be able to solve them. That was the best he could do.

Are your questions of the sort that simply make you want to ask to see the manuscript? Or are they questions that make you want to take a pass?


Edelweiss,

I see what you mean . . . I’ll be reconsidering.

I think I need to keep “a disorder called,” though, don’t I? Many people haven’t heard of synesthesia.

Yes, the wife is with him until the end.  She’s the logical one who actually keeps them on track. She might be my favorite character (well, favorite “normal” character). The hobbit guy is my favorite. I’ll try to rework her encounter with the killer back in.

I’ll have to think about the comments from you both . . . Hope to put up an improved version in a couple days.

Thanks so much, you two! Multiple karmas back your way!

Dan

[edelweiss]

Karma to you for graciousness and persistence!

I went through (am going through) the exact same process with my query. If I don't say enough, people are confused, or misled. If I say too much, it's too synopsis-y. The only way to strike the balance is to rework until it feels right to you. The one thing you want to avoid is confusing the agent. Mystery and intrigue is great, confusion is not.

I also don't know about the 50-page thing. My query goes past page 100 out of 300 total. I think it depends on how much of the story you need to show in order for there to be a story that'll make sense in 250 words.

Keep at it! 

[Zooks]

hey dannyboy - Still liking this and karma for your efforts.  I think paragraph 2 jumps from the dead guy leaving a note to Alex transforming in a cognitive thingy.  Show briefly how 1 leads to the other. Paragraph 3 - still not sure you need to mention the Einstein crew and show us some suspense w/the killer and Alex.  I understand that only Alex has this condition, not his wife, but I was surprised he could smell how she was feeling. Re: coincidences, unless I'm mistaken (and there's a pretty good chance of that), I thought you said the dead architect and HIS predecessor had synesthesia, too.  That's it predominantly affects architects.  I'd want to see more if I were an agent.  Good luck with this. 

The death of Alex Fitzgerald’s son did nothing to help his rocky marriage and sent his affliction with synesthesia off the charts.  His thoughts have texture, words have colors.  Regret is periwinkle blue.  His feelings have smells - his aching loss tastes earthy yet sweet, like cinnamon, and his wife’s grief smells of fresh cut wood. [freshly?]

In an attempt to salvage their marriage, the couple rents a secluded estate on Lake Superior. But a scrawled message from the recently murdered architect/owner begs for someone to find and save a creation called a Reflectory that is hidden on the grounds. While the architect’s killer secretly watches them, Alex’s disorder transforms into a cognitive capacity to see through the fabric of the physical environment. In certain locations—the library, the master bedroom, the boathouse—Alex’s mind is guided by the dead architect into a force emanating from the Reflectory.

A secret society of the world’s most intelligent people embarks on expeditions from the Reflectory into a realm that exists just beyond the human physical senses. What they bring back to the creation has the power to enrich any visitor with a brilliant enlightenment. Or render them insane.
When the killer lays claim to the creation, Alex heads straight for him and then into the one place that might prove deadlier than the gun in the killer’s hand.

THE BLUE VIOLIN is a 90,000-word novel of suspense with elements of magical realism. It is a blend of The Secret Garden and The Shadow of the Wind with a Dan Brown plotline.

I am a Long Ridge Writers graduate and have written pieces on travel and the arts for the Alnwick Advertiser newspaper while living at Alnwick Castle in England.

Thank you for your time and attention.

[dannyboy]

Mary, about Alwick . . . Not many ghost stories from me. I lived in Lion's Tower. The Grey Lady (ghost) haunted Diana tower. Doors opening and closing, water turning on and off, sudden cold spots, that sort of thing. So they say. However, the long A1 subterranean corridor always scared the bejesus out of me if someone shut the lights off. I'd sprint to get out of that thing.

How does the below look and sound? Do you like the new title?

Kudos continue to flow your way (and yours, too, Edelweiss)



Dear Ms. Agent:

Alex Fitzgerald has a disorder called synesthesia. His thoughts have texture, his feelings have smells. When his son dies, the aching loss tastes earthy yet sweet, like cinnamon. His wife’s grief smells of fresh cut wood.

To save their failing marriage, Alex and his wife, Kate, rent a secluded estate on Lake Superior. But a scrawled message from a murdered architect begs for someone to find and save a creation called a Reflectory hidden on the grounds. While the architect’s killer spies, hoping they’ll lead him to it, Alex’s disorder transforms into a nonphysical sense and he starts perceiving a greater reality. In certain hot spots—the library, the master bedroom, the boathouse—the dead architect guides Alex’s strengthening yet unstable mind into a force emanating from the Reflectory.

When the killer starts shooting, Kate lunges at him to save her husband. Inside the Reflectory, Alex is overwhelmed—rivers of understanding flood his brain’s capacity— and he drops to the floor in tears. When Kate joins him, they discover that a secret society had embarked from the Reflectory on expeditions into a new, shared world within human consciousness, a world not bound by death. And what the expeditions brought back has the power to fill any visitor with a brilliant enlightenment.

Or render them insane.

THE REFLECTORY is a 90,000-word novel of suspense with elements of magical realism. It might appeal to readers of The Secret Garden and The Da Vinci Code.

I am a Long Ridge Writers graduate and have written pieces on travel and the arts for the Alnwick Advertiser newspaper while living at Alnwick Castle in England.

Thank you for your time and attention.

Sincerely,
 
Me

[Zooks]

I like the new title.  Just fiddled with the middle bit.  Too much info about him crying - give us tension/danger.  Ignore at will.  Good luck with this.  You're this close.  karma.

Dear Ms. Agent:

Alex Fitzgerald has a disorder called synesthesia. His thoughts have texture, his feelings have smells. When his son dies, the aching loss tastes earthy yet sweet, like cinnamon. His wife’s grief smells of fresh cut wood.

To save their failing marriage, Alex and his wife, Kate, rent a secluded estate on Lake Superior. But a scrawled message from a murdered architect begs for someone to find and save a creation called a Reflectory hidden on the grounds. While the architect’s killer spies, hoping they’ll lead him to it, Alex’s disorder transforms into a nonphysical sense and he starts perceiving a greater reality. In certain hot spots—the library, the master bedroom, the boathouse—the dead architect guides Alex’s strengthening yet unstable mind into a force emanating from the Reflectory.

Inside the Reflectory, rivers of understanding flood Alex's brain’s capacity. Just when he and Kate discover that a secret society had embarked from the Reflectory on expeditions into a new, shared world within human consciousness, a world not bound by death, that's when the bullets start flying. And what the expeditions brought back has the power to fill any visitor with a brilliant enlightenment.

Or render them insane.

THE REFLECTORY is a 90,000-word novel of suspense with elements of magical realism. It might appeal to readers of The Secret Garden and The Da Vinci Code.

I am a Long Ridge Writers graduate and have written pieces on travel and the arts for the Alnwick Advertiser newspaper while living at Alnwick Castle in England.

Thank you for your time and attention.

Sincerely,
 

[clmatic]

Query keeps getting better and better!  A few observations...

There is still a disconnect between the son's death and the failing marriage...I would incorporate both events into one sentence (Something like...Alex Fitagerald has a disorder called synesthesia.  Each thought have a texture, each feeling has a scent.  When his young son dies, his aching loss tastes earthy yet sweet, his wife Kate's grief smells of freshly cut wood, and the growing emotional distance between the two ....

To save their failing marriage, Alex and his wife, Kate, rent a secluded estate on Lake Superior. But a scrawled message from a murdered architect begs for someone to find and save a creation called a Reflectory hidden on the grounds.  Taking up the challenge, Alex and Kate are unaware that the architect's killer remains close by, watching the two in hopes of being lead to..... and then seizing the Reflectory and eliminating the husband and wife.

ALex and Kate discover what the killer already knows, that the R. is the medium by which a secret society of ..... new, human conciousness.....   In the right hands, it allows...in the wrong hands....

 (((Really like the renders them insane sentence)))

Segue into the confrontation with the killer that leaves Kate possible dead and Alex onto the brink of enlightenment/insanity, leave out the two of them reuniting, and then conclude with the bio and previous writing credits.

Take out the "...might appeal" and just say "...will appeal to".  

Alex and Kate aren't just saving the world, they are saving their marriage in the face of a terrible loss.

Good luck!

[edelweiss]

Great revision! 

Couple of small things. I was tripped up by the sentence that starts: "While the architect’s killer spies." "They" is ambiguous. How about: The architect's killer stalks Alex and Kate, hoping they'll lead him to it.
(Don't be afraid of short sentences. The agents are reading fast and it helps them.)

And I think it would be clearer to replace "unstable mind into a force" with "unstable mind toward a force," because at first I thought his mind was becoming the force.

The rest I love! 

[dannyboy]

Thanks to all of you--took your comments and applied. Clmatic, I love the new organization and cliffhanger. Kudos, kudos, kudos (I love that I can kudo you guys throughout the day).

The only 2 knits that I see right now is that sentence 1 of paragraph 3 is 38 words. Seems long. Also, my clliffhanger seems pretty abrupt leaving poor Alex on the floor like that.


Dear Ms. Agent:

Alex Fitzgerald has a disorder called synesthesia. His thoughts have texture, his feelings have smells. When his son dies, the aching loss tastes earthy yet sweet, like cinnamon. His wife’s grief smells of fresh cut wood.

To save their crumbling marriage, Alex and his wife, Kate, rent a secluded estate on Lake Superior. But a scrawled message from a murdered architect begs for someone to find and save a creation called a Reflectory hidden on the grounds. When the couple takes up the challenge, the architect’s killer stalks them, hoping they’ll lead him to it. In the process, Alex’s disorder transforms into a nonphysical sense and he starts perceiving a greater reality. In certain hot spots—the library, the master bedroom, the boathouse—the dead architect guides Alex’s strengthening yet unstable mind toward a force emanating from the Reflectory.

Alex and Kate discover what the killer already knows, that the Reflectory is the medium by which a secret society had embarked on expeditions into a new, shared world within human consciousness, a world not bound by death. And what the expeditions brought back has the power to fill any visitor with a brilliant enlightenment.

Or render them insane.

When the killer starts shooting, Kate lunges at him to save her husband. Inside the Reflectory, Alex is overwhelmed as rivers of understanding flood his brain’s capacity and he drops to the floor.

THE REFLECTORY is a 90,000-word novel of suspense with elements of magical realism. It will appeal to readers of The Secret Garden and The Da Vinci Code.

I am a Long Ridge Writers graduate and have written pieces on travel and the arts for the Alnwick Advertiser newspaper while living at Alnwick Castle in England.

Thank you for your time and attention.

Sincerely,

Me

[GSMarlene]

Hi, I've been waiting 2 days to be able to comment on this query - and now I've forgotten everything I wanted to say, plus things have changed. But first, I think the story premise is awesome and something I'd love to read.

I think this query is really shaping up, but I would definitely delete the "When the killer starts shooting . . ." line. I think it ends just fine with "Or renders them insane."

There is probably room to tighten up some of the earlier bits, but I'm of no help here since that is one of my big problems, trying to weed out stuff that feels really important, but glossing over it in a way that leaves the agent wanting more yet not confused. So I'll shut up now!

Good luck with getting this out there!