The Reflectory (genre: paranormal mystery) See reply #69

[dannyboy]

Just a follow-up . . . I opted for a shorter hook. Agents are busy. Also cut just a bit from the rest and changed to "insane" per Edelweiss. Cascading Karma to you all... My query is now 175 words. Funny that I've sliced it in half from the first draft.

Do any of you have an agent hunting strategy you could recommend for me? Like, send out 10 to B-list agents and if I get a request rate of say, 20% (so, 2), then the query is working and I should immediately send out to 10 A-list agents?

I haven't researched agents yet but assume I'll get a feel for ideal ones and good ones. I first need to work on my synopsis a bit and make some changes toward the end of the novel.

Edelweiss, I'd love to help with your query! Please send me a message when you do so I can look for it. Cause, trust me, I'm not exactly the most observant fella on the board.


Dear Annie Agent:

Alex Fitzgerald has a sensory disorder called synesthesia. His thoughts have texture, his emotions have smells. When his son dies, the aching loss tastes earthy yet sweet, like cinnamon. His wife’s grief smells like fresh-cut wood.

In an attempt to save their marriage, Alex and Kate stay at secluded Stonebrook estate on Lake Superior. Unable to relax, they find cryptic, handwritten notes from John Mead, Alex’s former professor who has been dead for three months. To Alex's surprise, he can sense the professor’s lingering presence in the library, bedroom, and boathouse. Alex and Kate solve the messages and discover that Mead himself had synesthesia, and he gave his life to protect a Reflectory built to achieve ultimate enlightenment within a shared human consciousness.

But there are other Reflectories and something inside the creations is rendering the synesthetes insane.

The insane ones are coming to Stonebrook.

THE REFLECTORY is a 90,000-word paranormal mystery. I am a graduate of Long Ridge Writers and have written pieces on travel and the arts for Britain’s Alnwick Advertiser newspaper.

Thank you for your time and attention.

Sincerely,

Me

[Zooks]

Boy, you're gonna hate me but I've got some questions here, dannyboy... I think some good stuff has been left on the editing floor.

Alex Fitzgerald has a sensory disorder called synesthesia. His thoughts have texture, his emotions have smells. When his son dies, the aching loss tastes earthy yet sweet, like cinnamon. His wife’s grief smells like fresh-cut wood.

In an attempt to save their marriage, Alex and Kate stay at secluded Stonebrook estate on Lake Superior. Unable to relax, [their inability to relax doesn't explain how/why they find msgs. and a reader unfamiliar w/your story wouldn't know that Stonebrook was the estate of his former professor] they find cryptic, handwritten notes from John Mead, Alex’s former professor who has been dead for three months. To Alex's surprise, he can sense the professor’s lingering presence in the library, bedroom, and boathouse. Alex and Kate solve [solve or decode?] the messages and discover that Mead himself had synesthesia, and he gave his life to protect a Reflectory built to achieve ultimate enlightenment within a shared human consciousness. [aren't you going to mention that it's somewhere on the grounds and they go looking for it?]

But there are other Reflectories and something inside the creations is rendering the synesthetes insane.

The insane ones are coming to Stonebrook. [do you want to use 'insane' 2x?  Why are they coming to Stonebrook?  Does the Reflectory there have something the others are missing/lacking for the big wallop?  Are they coming to harm Alex?  What happened to Mead's killer?  Where's the mystery and spooky stuff?

THE REFLECTORY is a 90,000-word paranormal mystery. I am a graduate of Long Ridge Writers and have written pieces on travel and the arts for Britain’s Alnwick Advertiser newspaper.

Thank you for your time and attention.

[dannyboy]

Mary, gotcha. You know, I've been dying to use a new word, maybe will just try it out. Not sure if I can introduce two words in one query (Reflectory and the one I haven't used yet: Percipients). I'll add a touch back, as well. Standby...

[dannyboy]

Okay, brought some stuff back... You okay with adding the Percipients?

Mary, is it important for me to specifically state that it is John Mead's estate?

Dear Annie Agent:

Alex Fitzgerald has a sensory disorder called synesthesia. His thoughts have texture, his emotions have smells. When his son dies, the aching loss tastes earthy yet sweet, like cinnamon. His wife’s grief smells like fresh-cut wood.

In an attempt to save their marriage, Alex and Kate stay at secluded Stonebrook estate on Lake Superior. Once there, they find cryptic, handwritten notes from John Mead, Alex’s former professor who was murdered three month ago. To Alex's surprise, he can sense the professor’s lingering presence in the library, bedroom, and boathouse. Alex and Kate decode the messages and discover that Mead himself had synesthesia, and he gave his life to protect a creation called a Reflectory hidden on the grounds. 

Designed by Percipients, a society of multi-sensory artists and scientists, but controlled by Mead for decades, the Stonebrook Reflectory was built to achieve ultimate enlightenment within a shared human consciousness. But there are other lesser Reflectories. And something inside the other creations is rendering their Percipients insane.

Last sentence goes here—I'll have to sleep on it… something about one of them coming to take over Stonebrook.
 
THE REFLECTORY is a 90,000-word paranormal mystery. I am a graduate of Long Ridge Writers and have written pieces on travel and the arts for Britain’s Alnwick Advertiser newspaper.

Thank you for your time and attention.

Sincerely,

Me

[Zooks]

Okay, brought some stuff back... You okay with adding the Percipients?  YES

Mary, is it important for me to specifically state that it is John Mead's estate?  How would you explain his cryptic msgs being there?

This gives us more info.  Will that added sentence be about the killer?  I noticed you changed the genre from thriller to paranormal mystery - but I'd still like some scary bits.  Looking forward to reading the next version. 

Dear Annie Agent:

Alex Fitzgerald has a sensory disorder called synesthesia. His thoughts have texture, his emotions have smells. When his son dies, the aching loss tastes earthy yet sweet, like cinnamon. His wife’s grief smells like fresh-cut wood.

In an attempt to save their marriage, Alex and Kate stay at secluded Stonebrook estate on Lake Superior. Once there, they find cryptic, handwritten notes from John Mead, Alex’s former professor who was murdered three month ago. To Alex's surprise, he can sense the professor’s lingering presence in the library, bedroom, and boathouse. Alex and Kate decode the messages and discover that Mead himself had synesthesia, and he gave his life to protect a creation called a Reflectory hidden on the grounds.

Designed by Percipients, a society of multi-sensory artists and scientists, but controlled by Mead for decades, the Stonebrook Reflectory was built to achieve ultimate enlightenment within a shared human consciousness. But there are other lesser Reflectories. And something inside the other creations is rendering their Percipients insane.

Last sentence goes here—I'll have to sleep on it… something about one of them coming to take over Stonebrook.
 
THE REFLECTORY is a 90,000-word paranormal mystery. I am a graduate of Long Ridge Writers and have written pieces on travel and the arts for Britain’s Alnwick Advertiser newspaper.

Thank you for your time and attention.

Sincerely,

Me

[dannyboy]

Okay, Mary. Back in business? Or one last nit to pick? Hopefully this is better with Percipients than the previous version without. I hope we're at least taking two steps forward, one step back with each revision . . .

[You said: do you want to use 'insane' 2x?  Why are they coming to Stonebrook?  Does the Reflectory there have something the others are missing/lacking for the big wallop?  Are they coming to harm Alex?  What happened to Mead's killer?  Where's the mystery and spooky stuff?]

I did my best to keep it within the first 100 pages and answer those question. The query does reveal stuff that Alex and Kate don't learn until later, but it is is background stuff, not action in the story. It is 236 words.

I wish I could sort query tracker by Karma. Zooks either is, or should be #1!


Dear Annie Agent:

Alex Fitzgerald has a sensory disorder called synesthesia. His thoughts have texture, his emotions have smells. When his son dies, the aching loss tastes earthy yet sweet, like cinnamon. His wife’s grief smells like fresh-cut wood.

In an attempt to save their marriage, Alex takes his wife Kate to secluded Stonebrook estate on Lake Superior. Once there, they find cryptic, handwritten notes from the dead owner, Alex’s former professor, who was murdered three month ago. Alex senses the professor’s lingering presence in the library, bedroom, and boathouse, and they decode the messages to discover the man was a synesthete who gave his life to protect a creation called a Reflectory hidden on the grounds. 

Visited by multi-sensory artists and scientists called Percipients but controlled by Mead, the Stonebrook Reflectory was designed to achieve ultimate enlightenment within a shared human consciousness. But there are other lesser Reflectories. And something inside these creations is rendering their Percipients insane. One of these visitors killed Mead in an attempted takeover of Stonebrook. Another is lurking, waiting for the couple to lead him to the entrance before he strikes.

When Alex and Kate take up the search, their marriage and their lives are improved forever.

But their forever may not last long.

THE REFLECTORY is a 90,000-word paranormal mystery. I am a graduate of Long Ridge Writers and have written pieces on travel and the arts for Britain’s Alnwick Advertiser newspaper.

Thank you for your time and attention.

Sincerely,

Me

[GSMarlene]

When you recovered the info about the professor owning the estate, we lost his name. Then when Mead is first used we don't know who he is. I do like getting the name in there though.

I love getting the Percipients in there, with the brief explanation you are able to keep using the name w/o having to come up with vairous descriptors for this "group"

Don't really like these 2 sentences: "When Alex and Kate take up the search, their marriage and their lives are improved forever.

But their forever may not last long."

The first is so declarative and well, sounding like the end of the book that it doesn't give someone a reason to read and then next statement says you're lying to us about forever. I agree you need one more sentence, but make it about real stakes, not vague cliffhangers.

Definitely don't lose the Percipients - I really liked this "Designed by Percipients, a society of multi-sensory artists and scientists, but controlled by Mead for decades, the Stonebrook Reflectory was built to achieve ultimate enlightenment within a shared human consciousness. But there are other lesser Reflectories. And something inside the other creations is rendering their Percipients insane."

maybe the final statement could be "The Percipients are determined to regain their sanity by (taking over - yuck) Mead's Reflectory - well, get something in about why they are coming and what they'll do to anyone who stands in their way.

[Zooks]

Alex Fitzgerald has a sensory disorder called synesthesia. His thoughts have texture, his emotions have smells. When his son dies, the aching loss tastes earthy yet sweet, like cinnamon. His wife’s grief smells like fresh-cut wood.  Yes

In an attempt to save their marriage, Alex takes his wife Kate to secluded Stonebrook estate on Lake Superior. Once there, they find cryptic, handwritten notes from the dead owner, Alex’s former professor, Biff Mead, who was murdered three month ago. Alex senses the professor’s lingering presence in the library, bedroom, and boathouse, and they decode the messages to discover the man was a synesthete who gave his life to protect a creation called a Reflectory hidden on the grounds. Yes

Visited by multi-sensory artists and scientists called Percipients but controlled by Mead, the Stonebrook Reflectory was designed to achieve ultimate enlightenment within a shared human consciousness. But there are other lesser Reflectories. And something inside these creations is rendering their Percipients insane. One of these visitors killed Mead in an attempted takeover of Stonebrook. Another is lurking, waiting for the couple to lead him to the entrance before he strikes. Yes

When Alex and Kate take up the search, their marriage and their lives are improved forever.  Gotta agree w/GSMarlene on these last 2 sentences.

But their forever may not last long.

Bolstered by their new found love and respect for each other, Alex and Kate move forward, determined to thwart the Percipients, salvage their marriage and maybe even the world.  (dopey, I know, but something similar but better?)

karma to you for your efforts to get it just right.

[michelleimason]

I'm looking at this without having read any of the previous versions, so hopefully that will be helpful.


Dear Annie Agent:

Alex Fitzgerald has a sensory disorder called synesthesia. His thoughts have texture, his emotions have smells. When his son dies, the aching loss tastes earthy yet sweet, like cinnamon. His wife’s grief smells like fresh-cut wood. Very interesting! Should catch an agent's attention.

In an attempt to save their marriage, Alex takes his wife, Kate, to secluded Stonebrook estate on Lake Superior. Once there, they find cryptic, handwritten notes from the dead owner [would there be a new owner if he's dead? maybe previous owner?], Alex’s former professor, who was murdered three months ago. Alex senses the professor’s lingering presence in the library, bedroom, and boathouse, and they decode the messages to discover the man was a synesthete who gave his life to protect a creation called a Reflectory hidden on the grounds. The use of the word "creation" gives me pause. Is there any other way to describe what this Reflectory is or does? 

Visited by multi-sensory artists and scientists called Percipients but controlled by Mead [who is Mead?], the Stonebrook Reflectory [Now I'm thinking the Reflectory is a place or building if people visit it? Or is it a statue or something?] was designed to achieve ultimate enlightenment within a shared human consciousness. But there are other lesser Reflectories. And something inside these creations is rendering their Percipients insane. One of these visitors killed Mead [am surprised to find Mead is dead based on the first sentence in this paragraph] in an attempted takeover of Stonebrook. Another [visitor?] is lurking, waiting for the couple to lead him to the entrance before he strikes.

When Alex and Kate take up the search, their marriage and their lives are improved forever.

But their forever may not last long. Good!

THE REFLECTORY is a 90,000-word paranormal mystery. I am a graduate of Long Ridge Writers and have written pieces on travel and the arts for Britain’s Alnwick Advertiser newspaper.

Thank you for your time and attention.

Sincerely,

Me

This is very interesting! The main thing is that I don't understand what a Reflectory physically is. If there's a way to explain that simply, I think it would help the query. Overall, though, I think it's very close. It definitely made me interested to learn more. Good luck!

[dannyboy]

Marlene, how about calling the Percipients "multi-sensories" instead of using "multi-sensory"? I like that.

Mary, Biff is back.

The two lame sentences you guys did NOT like are gone. The last three sentences have Percipient in each by intent, of course. Not sure if you'll like or not. Also, I have lots of little paragraphs...

We are at 229 words.

Michelle, The deal about the Reflectory is that Alex and Kate have no idea what they'll really find when they reach it. So I don't want to give it away in the query. Hope you think it makes the agent want to find out (?)



Dear Annie Agent:

Alex Fitzgerald has a sensory disorder called synesthesia. His thoughts have texture, his emotions have smells. When his son dies, the aching loss tastes earthy yet sweet, like cinnamon. His wife’s grief smells like fresh-cut wood.

To save their failing marriage, Alex and his wife Kate retreat to Stonebrook, a secluded estate on Lake Superior owned by Alex's former professor, John Mead. Murdered three months ago, Mead’s lingering presence in the library, bedroom, and boathouse leads the couple to find cryptic, handwritten messages. Decoded, they reveal the man was also a synesthete who gave his life to protect a creation hidden on the grounds: a Reflectory.

Visited by multi-sensories called Percipients, the Stonebrook Reflectory is used to achieve ultimate enlightenment within a shared human consciousness. But there are lesser Reflectories in other countries. And something inside them is rendering their Percipients insane.

When Alex and Kate succumb to the addictive quest to find the mysterious creation, they are transformed. Their excitement and love for each other grows as their awareness of a greater reality comes into focus.

But there’s a problem. A Percipient is lurking in the woods. A Percipient who would destroy the Reflectory. A Percipient willing to kill.

THE REFLECTORY is a 90,000-word paranormal mystery. I am a graduate of Long Ridge Writers and have written pieces on travel and the arts for Britain’s Alnwick Advertiser newspaper.

Thank you for your time and attention.

Sincerely,

Me

[peaceofmind]

I've been off the radar with the worst flu ever and am finally rejoining the land of the living. It makes me excited to see how far your query has come. I"m super excited for you. It sounds like a great story! I only had few thoughts to offer.


Dear Annie Agent:

Alex Fitzgerald has a sensory disorder called synesthesia. His thoughts have texture, his emotions have smells. When his son dies, the aching loss tastes earthy yet sweet, like cinnamon. His wife’s grief smells like fresh-cut wood.

To save their failing marriage, Alex and his wife Kate retreat to Stonebrook, a secluded estate on Lake Superior owned by Alex's former professor, John Mead. Murdered three months ago, Mead’s lingering presence in the library, bedroom, and boathouse leads the couple to find cryptic, handwritten messages. Decoded, they reveal (maybe use discover, reveal sounds like their showing something to somebody else. Just a thought.) the man was also a synesthete who gave his life to protect a creation hidden on the grounds: a Reflectory.

Visited by multi-sensories called Percipients, the Stonebrook Reflectory is used to achieve ultimate enlightenment within a shared human consciousness. But there are lesser Reflectories in other countries. And something inside them is rendering their Percipients insane.

When Alex and Kate succumb to the addictive quest to find the mysterious creation, they are transformed. Their excitement and love for each other grows as their awareness of a greater reality comes into focus.

But there’s a problem. A Percipient is lurking in the woods. A Percipient who would destroy the Reflectory. A Percipient willing to kill.

THE REFLECTORY is a 90,000-word paranormal mystery. I am a graduate of Long Ridge Writers and have written pieces on travel and the arts for Britain’s Alnwick Advertiser newspaper.

Thank you for your time and attention.

Sincerely,

Me

[Zooks]

@ dannyboy - mama likes.      I think it's ready for a send off.  Best of luck to you with this and karma for your hard work. 

[dannyboy]

Mary,

Wow, just got my son to sleep and hit refresh and there you are. Thanks! So nice to hear and thanks to you and everyone else for the great help. You are all so wonderful. I can go to bed for the first time in weeks without worrying about my query letter. Ahhh...

And guess what . . . I gave you your 400th karma (plus many more!) and you gave me my 400th view. Karma indeed.

Cheers!

I shall report back when I get an agent.   

[Zooks]

Thanks, danny. It was fun to see your query transform (like a newborn colt getting up on its wobbly legs and then soon after trotting around with a 'Look at me!' attitude.     Now, not meaning to be a royal pain...just wanting you to not make the same mistake I did re: sending out queries (too many) to the top agents on my list.  I guess you've given it a lot of thought (more than I did at 1st) - so if so, just ignore me.  Some of us have our A, B and C list of agents.  It's been suggested that you query a few (maybe 2 each or 2 from B & C) and hold off on the A list until you've gotten back some nifty responses.  Best of luck to you. 

[dannyboy]

Mary, thanks for the heads up.

I have not started the agent searching yet. Will start that soon. I image I should be careful to break it into pieces . . . 

Step 1 - Find all agents accepting new clients in my genre (mysteries, even thrillers) and go to their websites, etc. and then get a feel.
Step 2 - Plunk them into Query tracker with some sort of ranking system so I have a list, modify the query ever-so-slightly as needed for the agents.
Step 3 - Send off a batch to a short list of least-desireables and wait for responses.
Then,
Step 5 - Rinse and repeat, if responses are good or rework query (heaven forbid) if responses are bad.

Hope that sounds right by you. . . I first want to work on my synopsis, however I'm leary of posting the whole plot online for review...

Thanks.

Dan