The Reflectory (genre: paranormal mystery) See reply #69

[dannyboy]

Hi gang . . . Please critique and feel free to tear apart. A concern I have is length (320 words). Also, does it draw you in? Do my literary comparisons at the end help? Thanks so much.   - Dan


Dear Ms. Agent:

Alex Fitzgerald is a brilliant young architect addled with synesthesia. Words have color, thoughts have texture, and feelings have smells. Love is earthy yet sweet, like cinnamon; Loss smells like fresh cut wood.

When his former professor dies and Alex gets a call from an estate attorney inviting him and his wife Kate to stay at the wealthy man’s secluded retreat, it is a vacation offer they can’t refuse. But soon after arriving, a hobbit-like man running scared through the woods pauses long enough to warn them about a dangerous “Tin Man.” In the massive library, a cryptic note hidden by the professor challenges the reader to find a secret cathedral in need of a new caretaker.

As Alex and Kate begin their search, Alex’s sensory disorder helps him perceive a reality that exists beyond the realm of our physical senses, while the grounded Kate solves the clues and keeps them focused on their quest. Racing from Victorian-era mansions, a lighthouse of the past, and a museum hanging over the edge of a cliff, they learn that the professor also had a multi-sensory disorder, as had the caretaker of the cathedral before him. And they discover that the Tin Man is not from the Land of Oz, but is a twisted synesthete and brother of the professor’s killer who is bent on taking over the cathedral.

When Alex and Kate enter the halls and vaulted rooms of the masterpiece, Alex finally releases the full capacity of his brilliant mind and at last they grasp the purpose of the amazing creation.

THE BLUE CATHEDRAL is a 90,000-word suspense/thriller with elements of magical realism. I see it as a blend between The Secret Garden and Shadow of the Wind with a National Treasure plotline.

I am a Long Ridge Writers graduate and have written pieces on travel and the arts for the Alnwick Advertiser newspaper while living at Alnwick Castle in England.

Thank you for your time and attention.

Sincerely,

Me

[mkassel]

Some things do draw me in, but your query could use some tweaking.

i was really thrown by the "hobbit-like man." That just came across as strange, IMO.

In the massive library, a cryptic note hidden by the professor challenges the reader to find a secret cathedral in need of a new caretaker.

This is unclear whether you're referring to Alex and Kate, or the actual reader, reading your book.

The body of your query reads like a short synopsis, and that's not really what you're going for, here. Focus on the conflict and what's at stake for Alex and Kate. They go around solving a mystery (why do they bother?) to stop some guy from taking over a cathedral (so what?). You need urgency. "Alex has to stop the Tin Man from taking over a magical cathedral containing advanced alien knowledge before tea time on Saturday, or his wife will divorce him and the world will descend into chaos." Or something like that 

Also, every sentence starting with "When his former employer..." to "When Alex and Kate enter the halls..." starts with a prepositional phrase, is a run-on sentence, or isn't a complete sentence at all. It may sound nit-picky, but agents assume your query is indicative of your writing style. You want to present a fine sample of your writing, as well as a clear summary of your story.

Your comparison titles and bio are very good. It shows you know your audience. Your premise is interesting. Comparing to National Treasure was smart. We expect a fast-paced clue driven thriller. Great way to put it in context.

Good luck and karma to you 

[ChokeCherry]

I enjoyed reading this and really like the premise. I had the feeling that you are telling too much (explains the 320 word). A lot of it sounds more like a synopsis than a query, but nothing that a little tweaking and compressing won't take care of. Think of a book jacket when you write it.

I'd cut down the examples in the first line - just a couple of them make the point clear and you don't want to waste words. Also, I wouldn't necessarily start with Alex Fitzgerald 'is'  - that's a definite sign of 'Telling' and not 'showing'.

With 'hobbit-like man' you might just want to say hobbit.  And I have to agree with mkassel on the last line - I need to know why taking over a cathedral is so bad, or is something greater at stake?

Good luck!

[dannyboy]

MKassel and Chokecherry, thanks so much. You make great points. I sure hope the below has more urgency, more conflict, and a little less synopsizing (new word?). MKassel, if you do see any grammer issues that remain, please do let me know. However, it still is long . . . will have to cut some, I reckon. Just not sure what yet.

What do others think? Is version 2 below better than version 1 above?


Dear Ms. Agent:

Alex Fitzgerald is a brilliant young architect addled with synesthesia. Words have color and feelings have smells. Love is earthy yet sweet, like cinnamon; Loss smells like fresh cut wood.

Overwhelmed by the death of his son and job offers he does not want, Alex takes his wife Kate on a relaxing vacation to the secluded estate that his former professor offered up right before passing away. Soon after arriving, however, a stranger running scared through the woods stops to warn them about a dangerous “Tin Man.” In the massive library, they find a hastily scrawled note by the professor that begs for help in saving a hidden masterpiece.

Shaken yet intrigued, Alex’s mixed-up senses inexplicably begin to churn and coalesce—he feels the force of something big, something blue. Kate, who had stopped experiencing beauty in life after the loss of her son and mom, feels her spirit soar while on the grounds.

They are hooked.

Embarking on a clue-solving chase to lighthouses, gravesites, and museums, Alex and Kate learn that the professor had a multi-sensory disorder, as had the owner of the estate before him. The Tin Man, they discover, is not from the Land of Oz, but is a twisted synesthete and brother of the professor’s killer who will stop at nothing to keep Alex from entering the vaulted rooms of the powerful creation.

Alex and Kate must make a choice: pack up and return home to their old ways or risk their lives against the Tin Man to find the amazing source of their profound changes.

THE BLUE CATHEDRAL is a 90,000-word suspense/thriller with elements of magical realism. I see it as a blend between The Secret Garden and Shadow of the Wind with a National Treasure plotline. I am a Long Ridge Writers graduate and have written pieces on travel and the arts for the Alnwick Advertiser newspaper while living at Alnwick Castle in England.

Thank you for your time and attention.

Sincerely,

Me

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[melanieconklin]

After reading your query I cannot say that I know what the novel is about.  You obviously have a lot of detail and depth to your story, and I think you need to look past that for your query.  Try to answer some basic questions:

Who's the main character? (you started this in the first sentence, but you mention the wife easily as much as Alex, so who is really the MC?  Who has to make big decisions in the end?  Focus on that person for the query).

What is the crisis the MC is facing?

What is the choice they have to make?  What are they conflicted about?

I think you may be holding back, afraid to reveal too much.  But you need to tell us the main conflict, cleanly and plainly, and then make us want to find out (read the MS) how they resolve it.  I would love to take a stab at the lines for you, but at this point I'm not sure what the story is.  Try to leave the adjectives and drama behind, and just answer those questions in the same tone you wrote your novel - embellishments can be added later if needed.  Best of luck!

[dannyboy]

Melanie,

Great questions...

Who's the main character? The MC is Alex. His wife, Kate, however is a very strong second and we get to see her face her own demons, as well. Woven into the story is their romantic reconnection, especially at the end. I wanted that to show in the query. Do you still think I should tone her down a bit?

Who has to make big decisions in the end?  They make the decision together, but it is Alex that does the coaxing.

What is the crisis the MC is facing? He feels the pull of a greater reality that most people are blind to. He's always felt this reality tugging at him but at the end of the book, what they find, brings the reality into our physical realm. It is a place of art, a cathedral, a museum . . . The crisis for him is that he cannot bear to be so close to this fantastic place and allow it to slip away. He risks death to find it.

What is the choice they have to make? Heed the warning from the Tin Man and leave or stay and risk being killed.

What are they conflicted about? Is this cathedral such a grand place that it is worth being killed over. And, you know, what? It is. It is. Trust me.
 
I'll have to think about this awhile as to how I might make the above answers more clear. . . . Hmmm

[melanieconklin]

well, you were able to answer those questions succinctly, and that's a great start!  so take those answers and put them in order in a brand spanking new document.  don't try to edit them into the old query, or you will get a frankenstein.

so, first step, write all of those answers out as complete sentences, in order, starting with character introduction.  Yes, I would leave the wife as "Alex and his wife" or "they" and leave her richness, possibly even her name, in the MS.  then look back at your old query, and choose the sentences or phrases that work the best, and bring them into the new one where they fit best.

it's only writing, right?  so it's worth a shot starting from scratch.  you can keep the parts of the original query that worked, but keep in mind that character description should be very limited.  the choices the character makes tells us about their person.  If he chooses to risk death to obtain this existence, then we know he's serious, dedicated, a little nuts, addicted, etc.....all without you having to say it.

the right query it tells us what the book is about, in the voice used in the book, and leaves us wanting to know what's going to happen in the end.

[edelweiss]

Dear Ms. Agent:

Alex Fitzgerald is a brilliant young architect addled with synesthesia. Words have color and feelings have smells. Love is earthy yet sweet, like cinnamon; Lloss smells like fresh cut wood. Keep this.

Overwhelmed by the death of his son and job offers he does not want, Alex takes his wife Kate on a relaxing vacation to the secluded estate that his former professor offered up right before passing away.Too much in one sentence. Simply or break into two. Soon after arrivingWhen they arrive, however, a stranger running scared through the woods stops to warn them about a dangerous “Tin Man.” In the massive library, they find the professor's a hastily scrawled note by that begs beseeching for help in saving them to save a hidden masterpiece.

Shaken yet intrigued,Sorry--I went directly to Shaken yet stirred... Alex’s mixed-up senses inexplicably begin to churn and coalesce—he feels the force of something big, something blue. Kate, who had stopped experiencing beauty in life depressed after the loss of her son and mom Mom, too! , feels her spirit soar while on the grounds. Rewrite this bit and try not to use "feels."

They are hooked.

Embarking on a clue-solving chase to lighthouses, gravesites, and museums, Alex and Kate learn that the professor had a multi-sensory disorder, as had the owner of the estate before him. The Tin Man, they discover, is not from the Land of Oz, but is a twisted synesthete and brother of the professor’s killer who will stop at nothing to keep Alex from entering the vaulted double entendre intentional?rooms of the powerful creation.

Alex and Kate must make a choice: pack up and return home to their old ways or risk their lives against the Tin Man to find discoverthe amazing source of their profound changes. This is nice and clear--and makes me wish for more.

Hope that helps. I liked it a great deal. Just sharpen the language and give us a better taste of the personality of our hero.
Good luck!
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[dannyboy]

Melanie, Edelweiss, and all,

Took your advice and came at this fresh. Some synopsis details are gone and attempted to better describe the overarching conflict. It is also a bit shorter. Let me know if including the short blurb written by the dead architect (the professor, from my earlier query) is a bit much.


Dear Ms. Agent:

Since the death of his son, Alex Fitzgerald has been burdened with synesthesia. Words have color and emotions have smells. Love is earthy yet sweet, like cinnamon; loss is the smell of fresh cut wood.

Overwhelmed by grief and his new disorder, Alex needs an escape from reality. The place he chooses, a deceased architect’s secluded estate on Lake Superior, turns out to be just that. Messages written by the architect before he died start off intriguing: there’s a story of a great November storm, a shipwreck off the point, and a challenge to find something hidden on the grounds. Clues from one message send Alex and his wife, Kate, on a chase to the next. Oddly, the more they learn, the more they undergo a change. Alex’s mixed-up mind coalesces and perceives something big gathering, something blue. Kate, despite the loss of her son, feels her spirit soar with inexplicable anticipation.

But things turn ominous, almost absurd. The architect writes about a century-old cathedral used by gifted synesthetes to visit a reality that is just beyond our physical senses.

At its opening are the revelations you have sought; at its core, enlightenment; at its end, deliverance . . .

He tells them that he had been poisoned and was dying a slow death—murdered by a twisted synesthete furiously trying to find the hidden entrance to the cathedral. Captivated with their metamorphosis at the estate, Alex and his wife risk their lives with the lurking killer to be first to find the source.

THE BLUE CATHEDRAL is a 90,000-word novel of suspense with elements of magical realism. It is a blend between The Secret Garden and Shadow of the Wind with a National Treasure plotline.

I am a Long Ridge Writers graduate and have written pieces on travel and the arts for the Alnwick Advertiser newspaper while living at Alnwick Castle in England.

Thank you for your time and attention.

Sincerely,
 
Me

[melanieconklin]

I took a stab at the first two paragraphs, but I'm still not sure exactly what's happening in the rest of it.  it reads like snippets from the book, put together in sequence, but still a bit too mysterious.  remember, you are already writing about a condition and topic many people may not be familiar with, so it's mysterious by nature

Dear Ms. Agent:

Since the death of his son Alex Fitzgerald has been burdened with synesthesia. Words have color and emotions have smells. Love is earthy yet sweet, like cinnamon; loss is the smell of fresh cut wood.

Alex escapes from his grief and his startling new condition on a secluded estate on Lake Superior.  He discovers mysterious messages left for him by the deceased owner: first, a story of a great November storm and a shipwreck off the point, leading to a challenge to find something hidden on the grounds.  Soon Alex and his wife, Kate, are chasing clues around the grounds, and become more entangled in the mysterious allure of the estate.  Alex’s mixed-up mind starts to make sense in the strange setting, and before long he senses a ..... calling him.  Kate, too, emerges from her grief in inexplicable anticipation of a healing event.

But things turn ominous, almost absurd. The architect writes about a century-old cathedral used by gifted synesthetes to visit a reality that is just beyond our physical senses.

At its opening are the revelations you have sought; at its core, enlightenment; at its end, deliverance . . .

He tells them that he had been poisoned and was dying a slow death—murdered by a twisted synesthete furiously trying to find the hidden entrance to the cathedral. Captivated with their metamorphosis at the estate, Alex and his wife risk their lives with the lurking killer to be first to find the source.

THE BLUE CATHEDRAL is a 90,000-word novel of suspense with elements of magical realism. It is a blend between The Secret Garden and Shadow of the Wind with a National Treasure plotline.

I am a Long Ridge Writers graduate and have written pieces on travel and the arts for the Alnwick Advertiser newspaper while living at Alnwick Castle in England.

Thank you for your time and attention.

Sincerely,
 
Me
[/quote]

[peaceofmind]

Dear Ms. Agent:

Alex Fitzgerald is a brilliant young architect addled with synesthesia. Words have color, thoughts have texture, and feelings have smells. Love is earthy yet sweet, like cinnamon; Loss, smells like fresh cut wood. Keep this!

When his former professor dies and Alex gets a call from an estate attorney inviting him and his wife Kate to stay at the wealthy man’s secluded retreat, it is a vacation offer they can’t refuse. But soon after arriving, a hobbit-like man running scared through the woods pauses long enough to warn warns them about a dangerous “Tin Man.” In the massive library, a cryptic note hidden by the professor challenges the reader to find a secret cathedral in need of a new caretaker. I feel like this line came out of nowhere.

As Alex and Kate begin their search, Alex’s sensory disorder helps him perceive a reality that exists beyond the realm of our physical senses, while the grounded Kate solves the clues and keeps them focused on their quest. Racing from Victorian-era mansions, a lighthouse of the past, and a museum hanging over the edge of a cliff, they learn that the professor also had a multi-sensory disorder, as had the caretaker of the cathedral before him. And they discover that the Tin Man is not from the Land of Oz, but is a twisted synesthete and brother of the professor’s killer who is bent on taking over the cathedral.

When Alex and Kate enter the halls and vaulted rooms of the masterpiece, Alex finally releases the full capacity of his brilliant mind and at last they grasp the purpose of the amazing creation. I'm confused about what amazing creation means?

THE BLUE CATHEDRAL is a 90,000-word suspense/thriller with elements of magical realism. I see it as a It is a blend between The Secret Garden and Shadow of the Wind with a National Treasure plotline.

I am a Long Ridge Writers graduate and have written pieces on travel and the arts for the Alnwick Advertiser newspaper while living at Alnwick Castle in England.

Thank you for your time and attention.

Sincerely,

Me

Concept is intriguing, although I find myself lost with the hobbit-man and the Tin Man. Take what works and I'll check back for your rewrite.

[aeskens]

I am in the same unpublished boat so take this with the appropriate grain of salt.  I would suppose that an agent would want to see the conflict up front. I read your query as being like a scavenger hunt: clues and searching, but where is the conflict. The Professor "dies" but later there is a killer. If he was murdered, saying so increases the tension in your query. Are the main characters in danger as they solve the clues? A suspense/thriller is a novel where the main character is in danger early on and the reader knows the danger and experiences anxiety with the main character as he/she spends the novel running from or trying to undo that danger. A mystery on the other hand is the unravelling of clues to solve a problem. although there still needs to be conflict and obstacles. the danger does not necessarily become apparent until the climax. I hope that this is more helpful that confusing.

[rebecca 22]

I really love this. It may not be a perfect query, but I am certain it will get some agents to request pages. One question though: can you just get synesthesia? Just checking. If so, here are my tweaks:

Since the death of his son Alex Fitzgerald has been burdened with synesthesia. Words have color, thoughts have texture, and feelings have smells. (Please bring this back!) Love is earthy yet sweet, like cinnamon; loss is the smell of fresh cut wood.

Overwhelmed by grief and his new disorder, Alex needs an escape from reality. The place he chooses, a deceased architect’s secluded estate on Lake Superior, turns out to be just that. Messages written by the architect before he died start off intriguing: there’s a story of a great November storm, a shipwreck off the point, and a challenge to find something hidden on the grounds. Clues from one message send Alex and his wife, Kate, on a chase to the next. Oddly, the more they learn, the more they undergo a change. Alex’s mixed-up mind coalesces and perceives something big gathering, something blue. Kate, despite the loss of her son, feels her spirit soar with inexplicable anticipation.

But things turn ominous, almost absurd. The architect writes about a century-old cathedral used by gifted synesthetes to visit a reality that is just beyond our physical senses.

At its opening are the revelations you have sought; at its core, enlightenment; at its end, deliverance . . .

When Alex and Kate discover that the architect was murdered by a twisted synesthete obsessed with finding the hidden entrance to the cathedral, their mission to discover the truth of the estate takes a dangerous turn. But captivated by the promise of metamorphosis and freedom from pain, they find they are willing to risk their lives to be first to find the source.

[dannyboy]

Thanks to all for the great feedback with my query. I intend to reciprocate with whoever wants my two cents.

I'm also working on a new version of this . . . Please stand by.

- Dan

[dannyboy]

Here's a reworked query. Please let me know what you think.


Dear Ms. Ann Agentia:

Alex Fitzgerald has a disorder called synesthesia. His thoughts have texture, his feelings have smells. When his son dies, the aching loss tastes earthy yet sweet, like cinnamon. His wife’s grief smells of fresh cut wood.

To save their failing marriage, the couple rents a secluded estate on Lake Superior. But a scrawled message from the recently murdered architect/owner begs Alex to use his gift to find and save an unnamed creation hidden on the grounds. While the architect’s killer secretly watches them, Alex’s disorder transforms into an off-the-charts cognitive ability, an ability he didn’t know he possessed. In certain locations—the library, the master bedroom, the boathouse—Alex senses the architect beckoning, and he begins to see holes in the fabric of the sensory world.

A secret society, men and women with the highest IQs in the world, have embarked on expeditions from the architect’s creation into a dimension that exists beyond the realm of human physical senses. What they bring back to the creation has the power to enrich mankind with a new age of enlightenment. Or destroy the world.

When the killer claims the creation, Alex must head straight for him, braving an unknown medium that might prove more deadly than the gun in the killer’s hand.

THE BLUE VIOLIN is a 90,000-word novel of suspense with elements of magical realism. It is a blend of The Secret Garden and The Shadow of the Wind with a Dan Brown plotline.

I am a Long Ridge Writers graduate and have written pieces on travel and the arts for the Alnwick Advertiser newspaper while living at Alnwick Castle in England.

Thank you for your time and attention.

Sincerely,

Me