The Reflectory (genre: paranormal mystery) See reply #69

[Zooks]

hey dannyboy - I agree w/GSMarlene about deleting the 'When the killer" line.  Just leave off at 'insane'.  However, I suggest trying to build in some tension/danger in 3rd paragraph.  Do Alex & Kate catch on to the killer?  Has he made an attempt on either of their lives yet?  We want our suspense served up hot and thrilling.  So close.  karma.

[dannyboy]

Okay, so out with the cliffhanger.

Reworded 3rd:

Alex and Kate discover that the killer is about to stop them, and they find out why he wants it for himself at any cost. The Reflectory is the medium by which a secret society had embarked on expeditions into a new, shared world within human consciousness, a world not bound by death. And what the expeditions brought back has the power to fill any visitor with a brilliant enlightenment.

Simple as that?

Query is down to 268 words.

karma and karma

[edelweiss]

Karma to you for coming back for more.

I'd rewrite the first line this way: The killer is out to stop Alex and Kate and claim the Reflectory for himself at any cost.
The rest is really flat. Do Alex and Kate seek enlightenment? If that's not their goal, then why are fighting over the Reflectory? I think that is the question that has been missing in all your attempts--what the heck does Alex want? To become immortal? How's Kate doing with that? I'm guessing she doesn't like that party. Whatever it is, we need to know what Alex is striving for. A lot happens to him, and he's got the cognitive chops, but I need to know why they don't just pack up their bags and go to Hawaii instead. They agreed to search for the Reflectory, but what's in it for them?

Gosh, I hope I'm helping...

[dannyboy]

Edelweiss,

Good questions. He wants a life where he has value, he wants happiness with his wife. He's had this condition and he's somewhat of a forgetful, muddled man so when it turns out it is not only useful but a huge gift, he's pretty happy about that. His wife is happy, as well. She's more fearful of the killer but they don't really know that he for sure aims to kill them until it is too late. She loves that her husband is kicking ass. They really do fall back in love at the estate.

They both grasp the enormity of what this place is and how wonderful it will be because there are signs. For both of them. She is nearly as floored as he is. So they risk it. They aren't parents anymore. If they were, that would of course change their opinion.

I think I would risk it, as well.

So, if you think my query is not quite there and I need to add a blurb. . . how the heck do I sum that up into 10 words of a query without disturbing the flow?

Did I answer your nagging question or not? If not, I may have misunderstood. Either way, please continue to share your honest opinions. Karma to you.

[edelweiss]

Dannyboy,

Thanks for addressing my questions. How is the gift useful? Huge in what way? I understand that it provides access to another realm, but without some idea of what that is, what it does, we have no stakes.

Tell me how Alex is kicking ass--I believe you, but I don't see it in the query. I love that they throw their lots in together--that' marriage, right?--and there is danger, so that's good, too. But without knowing a little bit more about what they believe is so valuable--or might be valuable--I don't feel as attached to the story.

Keep trying. Maybe it's only me that's dense. Anyone else want to weigh in?

[Zooks]

I'm w/edelweiss, dannyboy.  Though I'm really liking the premise and want to read more, I'm unclear on what the stakes are and also am not feeling edge-of-my-seat concern for Alex & Kate.  That killer needs to be breathing down their necks.  Can you show us how he's getting closer to killing them (if necessary) and claiming the Reflectory as his own?  Since they don't have their son to worry about now, I realize they're free to do what they want - even risk their lives on this thing, but it also sort of takes away the risk.  If the killer can't kill them until he gets Alex to give him the secret combination to start the thing (joking, but you know what I mean), can you show us how he's tailing them in a suspenseful way?  Do they have to risk their lives to keep it from the killer because they somehow know he's going to use it for dastardly purposes or to turn it into a Disneyland-esque park?  Like Dr. Evil, I need the info.
Karma to you for your stick-to-it-iveness.

[dannyboy]

Man, you guys are ruthless, and so good. I could not be luckier. Really, please let me know how I can help you, as well. Shoot me a message or something. Karma, Karma, karma. Mary, you're over 400 now!

Okay, I say that this novel will appeal to readers of The Secret Garden and The Da Vinci Code. Let's take Da Vinci code . . . What is Robert Langdon's reason to risk his life to find the Holy Grail? It is not useful at all, only extremely compelling. How is it he kicks ass? He's just good at answering riddles and clues. That's all that Dan Brown's query could have said, right? So I don't need an incredible lifechanging finding, do I? However, yes, the findings here are very helpful. I do struggle to concisely state the benefits . . . but if you were to read the last 30,000 words of my novel, I think (hope) your questions would be answered or at least allayed. Let me try with just one example (from several).

About one year ago I was on a tram heading to the San Fran airport reading a book, minding my own business. A man sitting next to me leaned over and told me something about me. It was a concern, something that I should check out. That one day, I had felt this concern in my own mind more than any other day and it is a real concern. However, I was just a guy reading a book. How did he deduce what was wrong precisely the way he did? The odds do not even allow for mere chance and  he was not a crackpot. How does this happen? From where does this guy get his knowledge? It is not psychic because it is there--somehow, you know?

That was not the best example but that's the first thing I thought of. Anyway, this is one aspect of the realm I'm talking about. There's this layer out there beyond the physical that exists. It has a wealth of knowledge. So in my novel I wanted to build a place that could capture ALL that stuff and give that gift to those who enter. In my book it is more that just a person who has a feeling or a hunch, though. It is the whole enchilada and it exists alongside our world. Those who tap into even a sliver of this realm and harness it, they are the ones who paint masterpieces, the ones who compose brilliant symphonies, the ones who write the great novel.

I'm almost afraid to ask... What do you think?

[Zooks]

OK, now I want to read it more than ever.   Thanks for pushing me over 400.  I didn't read or see The Da Vinci Code so I can't tell you how Robert Landon kicked ass.  The Holy Grail - to some people - would be something to fight and even perhaps die for.  Now for you to convey in your query the excitement you did in your previous post - expanding on the bit about enlightenment or insanity.  Gimme some awe, some eye-bulging wonder. Plus some danger and suspense.  Yeah, that's the ticket.  You can do this. karma for staying the course.

[dannyboy]

Edelweiss,

I'm looking forward to your take . . .

Mary,

Here's a couple paragraphs from toward the end of the story. It is Alex trying to come to grips inside the Reflectory. Is this the expansion of enlightment you want to see or is the text is still too abstract? Just thought I'd throw this out there--I can probably get more specific . . .


Earlier, he might have guessed Stonebrook to be a place where those two concepts would have collided, but that was not the case. Invention and harmony, he realized now, pursued and repelled each other like lovers in a cerebral courtship. Intellect paired with Intuition; Deduction with Imagination; Analytic with Relational. They fought, they loved, they created. They danced.

The breakthrough at Stonebrook was embedded in an entirely new philosophy:  Achieving equilibrium or even stability within one’s mind was not the goal, at least here. That would be sedating. Nor was having one side dominate, that would be limiting. The goal was to generate a flow between the sides in a whirling, graceful dance as one’s mind flowed through the seven phases.

[edelweiss]

Yes, I get what you are saying and I have confidence in your concept and your ability to convey it. Go you!

So, in the query you need to give the agent a glimpse of something specific that Alex and Kate experience (like your experience in the airport) that lets the agent know that this is going to be something this duo has to have--unequivocally. It's not going to work to say, Hey this thing is AMAZING, trust me, you'd want it, too. You gotta give me a peek at the goods, let me dip my pinkie in the sauce for a small taste...

And show me Kate regaining her love for Alex because he's manning up--we all dig that.

Good luck!!!

(400 Karma points, Zooks? Sheesh. One of the Mother Teresas of QT...)

[dannyboy]

Team,

You don't need to reread the whole thing. The changes start in paragraph 3. It is long again--330 words--because I kept the secret society part. Just can't seem to get rid of it. I do like that it is at the bottom now. It is better suited there because I can relay it as background, outside of the story. If an agent can't read 330 words, screw 'em. At any rate, I'm tired but must get up and go to work. Ha! Time for more coffee.

I know the changes will need tweaking but it is the best I got at the moment. Funny how writing 4 sentences is enough to drive us writers over a cliff. ;)

Oh, and karmas to you...

Dan



Dear Ms. Agent:

Alex Fitzgerald has a disorder called synesthesia. His thoughts have texture, his feelings have smells. When his son dies, the aching loss tastes earthy yet sweet, like cinnamon. His wife’s grief smells of fresh cut wood.

To save their crumbling marriage, Alex and his wife, Kate, rent a secluded estate on Lake Superior. But a scrawled message from a murdered architect begs for someone to find and save a creation called a Reflectory hidden on the grounds. When the couple takes up the challenge, the architect’s killer stalks them, hoping they’ll lead him to it. In the process, Alex’s disorder transforms into a nonphysical sense and he starts perceiving a greater reality. In certain hot spots—the library, the master bedroom, the boathouse—the dead architect guides Alex’s strengthening yet unstable mind toward a force emanating from the Reflectory.

In the moment when her driven husband finds the entrance and is about to be shot by the killer, Kate realizes why he risked his life to find it—his mind had forever been torn into nonsensical sensory fragments. But here, near the Reflectory, his mind thrived, it danced. He found in a week what the killer could never find. As she ran and lunged at the man with the gun, she realized one more thing.

She would die for him.

THE REFLECTORY is a 90,000-word novel of suspense with elements of magical realism. It is the medium from which a secret society had embarked on expeditions into a new, interconnected world within human consciousness, a world not bound by death. And what the expeditions brought back has the power to fill any visitor with a brilliant enlightenment. Or render them insane. It will appeal to readers of The Secret Garden and The Da Vinci Code.

I am a Long Ridge Writers graduate and have written pieces on travel and the arts for the Alnwick Advertiser newspaper while living at Alnwick Castle in England.

Thank you for your time and attention.

Sincerely,
 
Me

[clmatic]

Almost there....

1)  the "..or render them insane." is more effective as a stand alone sentence/paragraph.

2)  my impression from this version of your query is that Alex is putting both himself and his wife in danger solely to achieve a personal goal - his mind finally found a home after a   
     lifetime of being torn.  This does not present Alex in a positive light.  I would be more attracted to him as a MC if that was a bonus goal he achieved after his main goal of saving the
    world from an evil force controlling the Reflectory.

3)  Thank you, thank you , thank you for naming the Reflectory!

4) I would intro the secret society and their goals in paragraph three, have Alex and Kate discover those goals, and then use that as their impetus for finding the Reflectory.  Then, in paragraph four, a one sentence line describing their encounter with the killer at the entrance.

Just my two cents, hope it helps!

[GSMarlene]

I'm not sure what agents will think about this being writting from 2 POV's, although I do like the emotion it brings. Maybe you can tell us about the wife's emotion by how it affects Alex - he's gonna smell it right??

The other thing is that you start the bookkeeping paragraph with the genre and word count and then jump back into a little more of your query. I like what you're adding but I'm wondering if there isn't a slicker way to do it, with less additional words.

For my query for a YA Fantasy, I managed to slip in a little bit more world building in this pg by telling what aspects of the book will appeal to readers of the comparison books:
"Readers of Phillip Pullman’s HIS DARK MATERIALS will enjoy the intertwining of science and nature along with a bit of Steampunk."
You've got more depth to add here, but maybe something along those lines will feel less like you are throwing just a bit more query in at the last minute.

Still love the book concept and I think agents will too. And karma to you for working so hard at this and helping us explore the depth of this novel!

[edelweiss]

Alex Fitzgerald has a disorder called synesthesia. His thoughts have texture, his feelings have smells. When his son dies, the aching loss tastes earthy yet sweet, like cinnamon. His wife’s grief smells of fresh cut wood.

To save their crumbling marriage, Alex and his wife, Kate, rent a secluded estate on Lake Superior. But a A scrawled message from a murdered architect begs for someone the reader to find and save a creation called a Reflectory hidden on the grounds. When the couple takes up the challenge, the architect’s killer stalks them, hoping they’ll lead him to it. In the process, Alex’s disorder transforms into a nonphysical sense and he starts perceiving --he perceives a greater reality, In certain hot spots—the library, the master bedroom, the boathouse— and the dead architect guides Alex’s strengthening yet unstable mind toward a force emanating from the Reflectory.

In the moment when her driven husband Alex finds the entrance and is about to be shot by the killer,
Okay, it's great up to here. yay! Now I'm not sure how far this is through your book. If it is more than a third of the way through, you've gone too far. If this is not the culmination of the story, then what are the stakes remaining? We've got Alex motivated, we've got Kate on board, we've got confrontation with the killer...and we should have another 200 pages to go. I suspect, however, that this is near the end of the book. If that is true, then you have to back WAY up in the story. I'm guessing you need to bring the secret society into this paragraph and build the stalking by the killer into it.
Kate realizes why he risked his life to find it—his mind had forever been torn into nonsensical sensory fragments. But here, near the Reflectory, his mind thrived, it danced. Then it wasn't forever torn He found in a week what the killer could never find. As she ran and lunged at the man with the gun, she realized one more thing.

She would die for him. Page 100 or 300? If 100, what are the stakes remaining? If she dies for him, what happens to him? Is he cool with that? What do he/the world gain by her sacrifice? Am I off track here? Do I need a trip to the Reflectory?

[dannyboy]

Edel, GS, and clm,

Good comments. I will have to think and rework . . . 

So, is it that I'm just a bigger dolt than the average query writer that it takes me 43+ posts on this thread and I'm still not done?

Karmas to all of you for your patience with me. . .