The Reflectory (genre: paranormal mystery) See reply #69

[edelweiss]

So, is it that I'm just a bigger dolt than the average query writer that it takes me 43+ posts on this thread and I'm still not done?

Nah, you're only a medium-sized dolt.  Honestly, I think it's that we like your story. Plus any time you get into non-physical emanations and the like, it's going to take some careful wording. I'm enjoying the exchanges.

You're fine. You'll get this right and then we can all have a drink. Or five. 

[CourtneyBuc]

Hi there,
Your posts have me thinking of a user here with the handle of Shaman Ziggy.  I'm not sure that magical realism as a genre is fiction or "new age." I think in fiction it would be referred to as "paranormal?" In any event, I think you limit yourself if you allude to/imply in the query that this is real for you because when I go to the bookstore, I see more mystery/thrillers in fiction than I do in the New Age section. When you say this: "It is the medium from which a secret society had embarked on expeditions into a new, interconnected world within human consciousness, a world not bound by death. And what the expeditions brought back has the power to fill any visitor with a brilliant enlightenment. Or render them insane," outside the body of the query's story blurb paragraphs, it sounds like you believe it. Which is all well and good if you want your book to be on the New Age shelf and are looking for a New Age agent.  This is only my 2 cents, but I thought I'd mention it since it effects how I've reworked your query text.

I've heard it's bad form to ever compare yourself with something so well known as Twilight, The Da Vinci Code, etc., so I'd advise leaving that off. I'd also not mention that you lived at a castle in England unless it directly relates to your book. If it does, state how this is so because without such a correlation between that tidbit and your storyline, it just comes across as needless info.

edelweiss is 100% right, you've gone way too far into your story. You should only venture in as much as you need to, to set up the character, conflict, and choice/stakes. That is typically found within the first 50-100 pages of your book.

I'm confused on the title of your book...is it The Blue Violin or The Reflectory? I'd vote for The Reflectory since it is in your query text, but Blue Violin seems to come out of left field.

I'll tackle your query based on all your past attempts (I cut and pasted them into a file and pared down from there since I haven't been following this thread. Therefore, I might do something someone else has suggested but I don't know about since I'm not reading all these posts...just yours).

Best of luck!

-----

Rendered forgetful and somewhat addled by the neurological condition synesthesia, architect Alex Fitzgerald has spent a lifetime struggling with multi-sensory experiences to words, numbers, time, and emotions. When his son dies, Alex's aching loss causes a cinnamon-sweet taste to linger in his mouth, and leaves his wife Kate smelling like fresh cut wood from her grief.

Alex and Kate are offered the chance to stay at a secluded estate on Lake Superior by Alex's late former professor, Henry Hoover. Hoping to save their failing marriage, they leap at the chance to spend some time alone. But once there, they find cryptic, handwritten notes from Henry. To Alex's surprise, his lifelong disorder transforms into a perception of a parallel reality where he can sense Henry leading him to hot-spots in the library, bedroom, and boathouse. Alex solves Henry's messages to discover that Henry himself had synesthesia, and there is something called a Reflectory hidden on the estate for which someone would kill; something which Henry protected with his life. Alex also learns that the Reflectory can be used by those with his disorder to achieve ultimate enlightment in a shared human consciousness.

What Alex doesn't know is that he's not the first to make this discovery, and all the others have gone insane.

THE REFLECTORY, a 90,000-word paranormal mystery, is written from both Kate and Alex's point of view. I am a graduate of the Long Ridge Writers (is this a group? how do you graduate from a group?) and have written pieces on travel and the arts for Britian's Alnwick Advertiser newspaper.

[Zooks]

Dan, you're NOT a dolt.  I feel like a dolt 'cause I don't quite 'get' the 2 paragraphs you posted toward the end of the story that were intended to help me grasp it.  I'm still wondering if you need to mention the secret society - if they come in contact w/Alex & Kate, maybe.  Or, if you're really wed to the inclusion of them.  Otherwise, it'd save you some words to delete them here.  Queries can be so difficult at times 'cause we're so close to the story.  I'd say step away from the query for a bit and then refocus on just the main bits.  I think the Reflectory is the maguffin and it's really Alex & Kate salvaging their marriage and healing over the loss of their son.  But that's just me.  Good luck with this.

[edelweiss]

Danny my boy,

Let me add that I posted my query in 3 different threads, and I'm sure I beat your number of posts--and I'm not finished yet. Or am I? 

And Courtney did a great job, as ever. 

[dannyboy]

Karmas to all.

Courtney, thank you for establishing some sanity. I was getting caught up in adding conflict and tension. It now strikes a tone that better reflects my story. That was exactly the reset (slap to the cheek) I needed. I love it. About Long Ridge Writers . . . it is an online writing course and I did get a diploma. I know it isn't worth much in some circles but I don't exactly have a literary background. You think I need to strike it?

See new version below (written primarily by Courtney!). If the 3rd para is too long or just not needed, let me know. It is backstory stuff.


Dear Annie Agent:

Rendered forgetful and somewhat addled by the neurological condition synesthesia, architect Alex Fitzgerald has spent a lifetime struggling with multi-sensory experiences to words, numbers, time, and emotions. When his son dies, Alex's aching loss causes a cinnamon-sweet taste to linger in his mouth, and leaves his wife Kate smelling like fresh cut wood from her grief.

Alex and Kate are offered the chance to stay at secluded Stonebrook estate on Lake Superior by Alex's late former professor, John Mead. Hoping to save their failing marriage, they leap at the chance to spend some time alone. But once there, they find cryptic, handwritten notes from Mead. To Alex's surprise, his lifelong disorder transforms into a perception of a parallel reality where he can sense the professor’s lingering presence in the library, bedroom, and boathouse. Alex and Kate solve the messages and discover that Mead himself had synesthesia, and there is something called a Reflectory hidden at Stonebrook for which someone would kill; something which Mead protected with his life. They also learn that the Reflectory was built by those with Alex’s disorder to achieve ultimate enlightenment in a shared human consciousness.

What Alex doesn’t know is that half the members of a society of brilliant minds, controllers of the world’s four Reflectories, have gone mad within their creations. And a war has been waged among them.

A war that that is coming to Stonebrook.

THE REFLECTORY, a 90,000-word paranormal mystery, is written from both Alex and Kate's point of view. I am a graduate of Long Ridge Writers and have written pieces on travel and the arts for Britain’s Alnwick Advertiser newspaper.

Thank you for your time and attention.

Sincerely,

Me

[clmatic]

Fantastic query!

Good luck and keep us posted!

[dannyboy]

Clmatic,

I literally grimaced when I saw there was a reply already. Phew! Thanks so much. . .

[CourtneyBuc]

Glad I could be of help.  

Love your last line. I don't love the introduction of a war, though. You've got a single killer stalking them, right? That establishes danger. I think we care most about Alex and Kate and the danger they are in. You don't have room to expound upon the war and the reasons for the war, and just saying "war" without some emotional connection to the characters you have introduced, just falls flat for me. So, I offer:

"...They also learn that the Reflectory was built by a group of brilliant individuals who share Alex’s disorder, and with it can achieve ultimate enlightenment in a shared human consciousness.

What Alex doesn’t know is that some of them have gone insane and seek to control the Reflectory at any cost.

And they are heading to Stonebrook."


As for the Long Ridge Writers, I assumed it was a group of writers, but if it is some type of online course, then I'd say yes, mention it but be clear on what it is. Any attempt to educate ourselves is appreciated by agents, I'd think. You've put in the time and energy to pass whatever the course was, so you should be proud of that accomplishment. You'll get more under your belt as time goes by. I've attended lots of workshops and conferences, etc. and I like to mention that myself.

Best of luck!

[LateToTheParty]

Dear Annie Agent:

Rendered forgetful and somewhat addled by the neurological condition synesthesia, a Architect Alex Fitzgerald has spent a lifetime struggling with multi-sensory experiences to words, numbers, time, and emotions. When his son dies, Alex's aching loss causes a cinnamon-sweet taste to linger in his mouth, and leaves his wife Kate smelling like fresh cut wood from her grief.

In a effort to save their marriage,Alex and Kate are offered the chance tostay at secluded Stonebrook estate on Lake Superior by Alex's late former professor, John Mead. Hoping to save their failing marriage, they leap at the chance to spend some time alone. But o Once there, they find cryptic, handwritten notes from John Mead, Alex's former professor, dead for ## years/months/fortnights, you choose. To Alex's surprise, his lifelong disorder transforms into a perception of a parallel reality where he can sense the professor’s lingering presence in the library, bedroom, and boathouse. Alex and Kate solve the messages and discover that Mead himself had synesthesia, and there is something called he gave his life to protect a Reflectory, hidden at Stonebrook for which someone would kill; something which Mead protected with his life. They also learn that the Reflectory was built by those others like with Alex’s disorder to achieve ultimate enlightenment in a shared human consciousness.

What Alex doesn’t know is that (I wouldn't get into who knows what in the query.) But there are four other Reflectories and half of the society of synesthesia adepts half the members of a society of brilliant minds, controllers of the world’s four Reflectories, have gone mad within their creations. And a war has been waged among them.  A war that that is coming to Stonebrook.

THE REFLECTORY, a 90,000-word paranormal mystery, is written from both Alex and Kate's point of view. I am a graduate of Long Ridge Writers and have written pieces on travel and the arts for Britain’s Alnwick Advertiser newspaper.

Thank you for your time and attention.

Sincerely,

Me

I'd attempted comment on your first posting but lost my comments when I failed to realize the "another person has posted..." message means you have to hit "Post" twice. I've read this cold, without reading other variations or comments, so I don't know that I'm offering anything new or helpful. You premise reminds me alternately of Joe Landsdale's "Lost Echoes," and David Cronenberg's "Scanners." I mean that in a good way. Your work is compelling and look forward to seeing it on the shelves. Buona fortuna.  

[GSMarlene]

Just a vote on the name - I like The Reflectory better! The query is coming along nicely though, I think you're almost there.

[dannyboy]

Courtney, war has been stricken.
Latetotheparty, thanks, your comments helped.
Karmas to both.

The query is now at 202 words.

Dear Annie Agent:

Architect Alex Fitzgerald has spent a lifetime struggling with multi-sensory experiences to words, numbers, time, and emotions. When his son dies, Alex's aching loss causes a cinnamon-sweet taste to linger in his mouth, and leaves his wife Kate smelling like fresh cut wood from her grief.

In an attempt to save their marriage, Alex and Kate stay at secluded Stonebrook estate on Lake Superior. Once there, they find cryptic, handwritten notes from John Mead, Alex’s former professor who has been dead for three months. To Alex's surprise, he can sense the professor’s lingering presence in the library, bedroom, and boathouse. Alex and Kate solve the messages and discover that Mead himself had synesthesia, and he gave his life to protect a Reflectory built by others like Alex to achieve ultimate enlightenment within a shared human consciousness.

But there are other Reflectories and half of the synesthesia adepts who control them have gone mad within their creations.

And the mad ones are coming to Stonebrook.

THE REFLECTORY, a 90,000-word paranormal mystery, is written from both Alex and Kate's point of view. I am a graduate of Long Ridge Writers and have written pieces on travel and the arts for Britain’s Alnwick Advertiser newspaper.

Thank you for your time and attention.

Sincerely,

Me

[LateToTheParty]

DB, I got nothing but nits not worth picking, (I'm told there's a powder for that).  I think you're ready to send this puppy out and start collecting letters. Courage! 

[Zooks]

Excellent, dannyboy!      This one's ready to hit the agent inboxes.  Best of luck to you with it. karma. 

[GSMarlene]

This is awesome! I think the only tiny nit I have is that "and" in "And the mad ones . . ." Since it follows an "and" in the previous sentence it doesn't flow absolutely perfectly. But I like this as a separate, strong sentence - I'd otherwise be tempted to somehow combine it with the previous sentence to get rid of an and. You might be able to just delete that "and". Or maybe "Now the mad ones are coming (are drawn to???) Stonebrook."

Either way, I think this is very ready to be seen.

[edelweiss]

Wow! I love it! Tiny change (don't be mad... ). I prefer "insane" to "mad"--it elevates it a little and is less ambiguous.

And "built by others like Alex" confused me. Isn't John Mead also like Alex? So didn't John protect it also for himself? Or you could leave out "like Alex" and it still makes sense.

Best of luck with your shiny query!   

Now if I only had the cajones to post mine again...