Query Help: Fantasy Novel

[pagevalentine]

Hello, all! Please feel free to critique my query for my book. I'm new to this and not sure how close or how far this query is to being where it needs to be. I read some great queries online, and they were all short and focused on "the drama and the stakes" (as Marcus Sakey puts it), so I tried to that with mine, instead of explaining too many plot details. I had earlier drafts of the query which were longer and explained more about the story, but I wanted to keep it short. Hopefully that is not a mistake. Thanks so much to all of you for taking the time to give me your thoughts! ~Crystal

Dear Agent:

In a time when gods walked amidst mortals, a peasant girl named Zara grows up to become a queen.

After her innocence is stolen from her at an early age, Zara finds a savior in a god named Marduk. But he is not the hero he appears to be. Over time, her relationship with the depraved and cunning Marduk turns into romance, elevating her to the top of society, taking her from Sumer to Egypt, and back again.   She finally has everything she ever wanted—but at what cost? Denouncing him could cost her her life.

Accommodating him could cost her her soul.

Theirs is a dark love marked by treachery and deceit, by heartbreak and desperation, as Zara struggles to learn what it means to be good in the face of Marduk's evil.

Spanning over a dozen years of the protagonist’s life, THE EPIC OF ZARA is a 66,000-word paranormal fantasy novel with elements of romance. This story offers the marketplace a unique setting and voice, by telling the tale of the lesser gods' expulsion from heaven and the legend of the fallen angels from a human point of view. THE EPIC OF ZARA has many distinctive aspects that make it special, and is likely to be a successful addition among edgy, speculative works.
 
I am a former award-winning newspaper journalist, who was the recipient of several local awards for my investigative reporting work. When I'm not writing, I am practicing law.

Thank you for your consideration of this project. I look forward to an opportunity to share the manuscript with you soon.

Sincerely,

Crystal Avedon

[GSMarlene]

I'm new here too, so take this for what it's worth! I also haven't figured out the nifty editing stuff.

In a time when gods walked amidst mortals, a peasant girl named Zara grows up to become a queen.Like this!

After her innocence is stolen from her at an early age, Zara finds a savior in a god named Marduk. But he is not the hero he appears to be. Over time, her relationship with the depraved and cunning Marduk turns into romance,ok, this sounds like a good thing? elevating her to the top of society, taking her from Sumer to Egypt, and back again.   She finally has everything she ever wanted—but at what cost? Denouncing him could cost her her life.

Accommodating him could cost her her soul.I think if you keep these last 2 sentences, they should be in the same paragraph, or at least the denouncing part should be separated too. But I think both of them, while strong, are also vague.

Theirs is a dark love marked by treachery and deceit, by heartbreak and desperation, as Zara struggles to learn what it means to be good in the face of Marduk's evil.I want to know what Zara has done that is dark, treacherous, evil etc.

Spanning over a dozen years of the protagonist’s life, THE EPIC OF ZARA is a 66,000-word paranormal fantasy novel with elements of romance. This story offers the marketplace a unique setting and voice, by telling the tale of the lesser gods' expulsion from heaven and the legend of the fallen angels from a human point of view. THE EPIC OF ZARA has many distinctive aspects that make it special, and is likely to be a successful addition among edgy, speculative works. You should let the agent decide this for themselves, you should SHOW it with those examples of dark, evil etc.

But this does sound really cool and I bet you can bring in some zing to show it off even better. Hope this helps!

[AnyaHarker]

I am a former award-winning newspaper journalist, who was the recipient of several local awards for my investigative reporting work. When I'm not writing, I am practicing law.

One thing I will say? Give the name of the awards. Agents like seeing this, especially if it means you already have a platform. So if you have awards for your journalism? If they're major awards then name them!

[Zooks]

Hi Crystal - this isn't my genre so ignore my suggestions if you like.  Good luck with this. karma to you.

Dear Agent:

In a time when gods walked amidst mortals, a peasant girl named Zara grows up to become a queen. (Sorry, but I don't find this to have much of a hook.  Can you make it a little more dramatic?)  [In a time when gods walked amidst mortals, a peasant girl named Zara meets her destiny to become a queen.]

After her innocence is stolen from her at an early age, Zara finds a savior in a god named Marduk. But he is not the hero he appears to be. Over time, her relationship with the depraved and cunning Marduk turns into romance, elevating her to the top of society, taking her from Sumer to Egypt, and back again.   She finally has everything she ever wanted. But theirs is a dark love marked by treachery and deceit, heartbreak and desperation.  Zara struggles to learn what it means to be good in the face of Marduk's evil. Denouncing him could cost her her life. Accommodating him could cost her her soul.

Spanning over a dozen years of the protagonist’s life, THE EPIC OF ZARA is a 66,000-word paranormal fantasy novel with elements of romance. This story offers the marketplace a unique setting and voice, by telling the tale of the lesser gods' expulsion from heaven and the legend of the fallen angels from a human point of view. THE EPIC OF ZARA has many distinctive aspects that make it special, and is likely to be a successful addition among edgy, speculative works.
 
I am a former award-winning newspaper journalist, who was and the recipient of several local awards for my investigative reporting work. [name them] When I'm not writing, I am practicing law.

Thank you for your consideration of this project. I look forward to an opportunity to share the manuscript with you soon. [this is obvious]

Sincerely,

Crystal Avedon

[RalucaB]

Dear Agent:

In a time when gods walked amidst mortals, a peasant girl named Zara grows up to become a queen. This actually sounds anti-climactic to me. Gods walk the earth, so why's it so cool if she's a queen? The two clauses seem to have little to do with one another and there's a tense shift from past to present.

After her innocence is stolen from her at an early age, Zara finds a savior in a god named Marduk. But he is not the hero he appears to be. Over time, her relationship with the depraved and cunning Marduk turns into romance, elevating her to the top of society, taking her from Sumer to Egypt, and back again.  Can you give an example as to how he's not what he appears to be? That would up the interest factor. Something like, "But after Marduk destroys her home village in a fit of rage, she begins to wonder if he's truly the hero she fell in love with", but pertaining to your story, of course She finally has everything she ever wanted—but at what cost? Denouncing him could cost her her life. I like this last sentence.

Accommodating him could cost her her soul. Nice tension.

Theirs is a dark love marked by treachery and deceit, by heartbreak and desperation, as Zara struggles to learn what it means to be good in the face of Marduk's evil. Again, show why theirs is a dark love. The concept is fascinating but you're not giving enough specifics.
 
Spanning over a dozen years of the protagonist’s life, THE EPIC OF ZARA is a 66,000-word paranormal fantasy novel with elements of romance. Just a side-note, but the way it's set up here, this story sounds like a romance with fantasy elements. If you want to market it as a paranormal fantasy, you need to emphasize the magic/unnatural powers. Maybe I'm wrong, but this is just my opinion.This story offers the marketplace a unique setting and voice, by telling the tale of the lesser gods' expulsion from heaven and the legend of the fallen angels from a human point of view. THE EPIC OF ZARA has many distinctive aspects that make it special, and is likely to be a successful addition among edgy, speculative works.
 
I am a former award-winning newspaper journalist, who was the recipient of several local awards for my investigative reporting work. When I'm not writing, I am practicing law.

Thank you for your consideration of this project. I look forward to an opportunity to share the manuscript with you soon.

Sincerely,

Crystal Avedon

Good luck, and I hope my suggestions help. Your writing is strong and the concept sounds interesting

[pagevalentine]

Wow! Thank you all so much for these suggestions! You guys are so fast, and perceptive! I appreciate your thoughts, and I will work in some more specifics into the query. If anyone else has suggestions/ideas, then please let me hear those too!

Regarding the genre issue: I have struggled with the genre of this story for a long time. I originally thought it was more of a paranormal romance than a fantasy, but then I read that readers of paranormal romance (and romance in general) expect every story to have a "happily ever after" ending. My story doesn't quite fit that. Is that wrong? Can you have a paranormal romance without a HEA?

[pagevalentine]

Another thing: I have more minor plot points in the story that aren't mentioned at all in the query. Should those be mentioned, or just stick to the main story for an initial query?

[AnyaHarker]

Definitely stick with the main thrust of your story. You need to grab the agent's attention with what makes this sparkle, not get bogged down in the tiny details. If you see my query on the boards, I have Several subplots that aren't even mentioned,

As for genre, don't worry TOO much about getting it right as your agent will market the genre that best fits. It isn't like you're quibbling over something like horror vs thriller. I think saying a paranormal fantasy with romantic elements works as one of the main ideas with paranormal romance is the HEA ending. Though one thing to ask yourself? How important is romance to the plot? Does the plot drive the romance or does the romance drive the plot?

Good luck to you!

[pagevalentine]

Thank you, Anya! I will keep the other plots out of the way of the query. 

[pagevalentine]

Thanks again! I gave you all karma points for helping me out.  This newbie didn't know what that was earlier!

[kanikadad]

Hi pagevalentine/Crystal,

Like me, you're a newbie. Unlike me, you're almost home. I think this is very near the mark. A few minor adjustments and I think you'll have a winner.


In a time when gods walked ("walk" - skip the tense shift) amidst mortals (I read this out loud. "amidst mortals" seemed to have too many sibilants. The archaic word has charm and drama, but might be gilding the lily. "Among might do just as well.), a peasant girl named Zara grows up to become a queen.

After her innocence is stolen from her at an early age, Zara finds a savior in a god named Marduk. But he is not the hero he appears to be. Over time, her relationship with the depraved and cunning Marduk turns into romance, elevating her to the top of society, taking her from Sumer to Egypt, and back again.   She finally has everything she ever wanted—but at what cost? Denouncing him could cost her her life. (Denouncing him for what? And to whom? Does she have leverage against this guy?)

Accommodating him could cost her her soul.

Theirs is a dark love marked by treachery and deceit, by heartbreak and desperation, as Zara struggles to learn what it means to be good in the face of Marduk's evil. (This is a great presentation of conflict.)

Spanning over a dozen years of the protagonist’s life, THE EPIC OF ZARA is a 66,000-word paranormal fantasy novel with elements of romance (I notice other reviewers have already commented on this genre section, so I won't belabor the point, but maybe this need to be narrowed down.) This story offers the marketplace a unique setting and voice, by telling the tale of the lesser gods' expulsion from heaven and the legend of the fallen angels from a human point of view. THE EPIC OF ZARA has many distinctive aspects that make it special, and is likely to be a successful addition among edgy, speculative works.(I know that some very competent reviewers have scratched this whole section but I feel some of it is worth keeping - some agents want to know where you think you work fits in the market - but I'd omit the last sentence. It might be over-selling.)
 
I am a former award-winning newspaper journalist, who was the recipient of several local awards for my investigative reporting work. When I'm not writing, I am practicing law.

Thank you for your consideration of this project. (I look forward to an opportunity to share the manuscript with you soon. Omit this.)

Like some others, I'm keen for some hints about the nature of Marduk's evil, Zara's good, and how she's accommodating him.


Title, names, plot line - all very interesting. Hope it works for you. Knock 'em dead.

Best,
Kanikadad

[pagevalentine]

Great advice! I'm incorporating your suggestions now. I hope I'm as close to the mark as you think! Sending off a small batch of queries today. Good luck, and good karma to you!