Insoluble...Rewritten

[RPG123]

Updated in post #20


I don't know if this is okay, but I modeled the first sentence of the query after the first sentence of a blurb on a book jacket.  It got me going so I went with it.  Feedback is much appreciated.



Sixteen-year-old Seneca Harvey is struggling with two irreconcilable issues: her unrequited crush on Brandon Reeves and her ability to sense fear.  While she hopes her aunt doesn’t find out she’s breaking the rules of living in solitude by spending time with Brandon, she’s even more concerned that her aunt is planning their eleventh move in thirteen years all because Seneca’s sensing the fear of others more often, transforming her into an unstoppable force that can find fear’s cause and annihilate it.

Seneca doesn’t think she can have a normal life.  John Randall, the dangerous man who invested in the radical human testing that made her so powerful, continues to search for her so he can get what he paid for.  It isn’t until she realizes that her crush may not be unrequited that she lets herself hope.  To that end, Seneca sets out to lure and destroy the man that made her. 

Seneca uncovers that Randall has a missing son who is an integral part of his research.  Brandon is that son and Seneca will do anything to protect him.  But, as she gets closer to Brandon she also gets closer to finding Randall.  And the closer she gets to Randall the closer Brandon gets to the truth and a meeting with his father that will destroy his life.  Seneca has two impossible choices— abandon her love for Brandon and move on to the next city or follow through with her plans to destroy John Randall.  If she chooses the latter Brandon will be safe, but her guilt will never allow her to be with him.

[Tabris]

Hi!

Sixteen-year-old Seneca Harvey is struggling with two irreconcilable issues: her unrequited crush on Brandon Reeves and her ability to sense fear. These don't seem irreconcilable to me. Irreconcilable is a dream of becoming a cloistered nun and a dream of marrying Bob and having ten babies. There's nothing to stop Seneca from both continuing to crush on Brandon and continuing to sense fear. While she hopes her aunt doesn’t find out she’s breaking the rules of living in solitude by spending time with Brandon, she’s even more concerned that her aunt is planning their eleventh move in thirteen years At this point the sentence became too complicated for me to follow, and I needed to back up and try again.all because Seneca’s sensing the fear of others more often, transforming her into an unstoppable force that can find fear’s cause and annihilate it. I'm not sure what you mean here. Fear's cause is that the body's on alert to something which is a danger. The only way to eliminate fear is to eliminate our awareness of danger, but I don't think that's what you mean.

Seneca doesn’t think she can have a normal life. This felt anticlimactic after the first paragraph. John Randall, the dangerous man who invested in the radical human testing that made her so powerful, continues to search for her so he can get what he paid for.  It isn’t until she realizes that her crush may not be unrequited that she lets herself hope.  To that end, Seneca sets out to lure and destroy the man that made her.  This isn't linear: John Randall created her, and the guy she likes may like her too, so she decides to kill the guy who made her? Most people, when they discover their crush likes them, ask their crush out to the movies. They don't decide to kill people.  Her reason is downbelow in the next paragraph, and because it's missing here, you get a huge sense of HUH?

Seneca uncovers that Randall has a missing son who is an integral part of his research. Randall isn't good at hanging onto people, is he? He created Seneca and lost her, and then he had a son and lost him. Brandon is that son and Seneca will do anything to protect him. Given that she's moved 11 times, how did she end up in the same locale as Brandon? But, as she gets closer to Brandon she also gets closer to finding Randall. I thought Randall didn't know where he was. And the closer she gets to Randall the closer Brandon gets to the truth and a meeting with his father that will destroy his life. I'm utterly lost here. Randall doesn't know where either Seneca or Brandon are. So Seneca gets close to Brandon, and that's going to lead her to Randall, but then somehow Seneca's nearness to Brandon is going to lead Brandon to Randall? Seneca has two impossible choices— abandon her love for Brandon and move on to the next city or follow through with her plans to destroy John Randall.  If she chooses the latter Brandon will be safe, but her guilt will never allow her to be with him.

Brandon's dad was using him as part of his experiment and Brandon is separated from him, but she'll feel guil if she avenges....okay, actually, I have no idea why she wants vengeance on Randall.

I think you need to make this more linear. Just tell us what's the problem.

1) Seneca can sense fear. Because of this, her aunt keeps uprooting her because she doesn't want her to associate with too many people. Despite this, she's sensing fear more and more often.
2) Seneca can do something to stop fear, and it's a biggie. But you need to define this.
3) She begins breaking the no-contact thing when she realizes the guy she's got a crush on may actually like her too.
4) Oopsie, the guy she likes turns out to be the son of the man who gave her these powers. And apparently if his dad finds him, something bad might happen.
5) So now she needs to figure out whether to run away again, or to stop her creator even if it costs her Brandon's love.

Is that the basic gist of the story?

[RPG123]

Yes.  That is the basic gist of the story.  I don't know why I can't get it across in the query. 

Randall doesn't lose people, all of the kids involved in the experiment were helped to escape all at one time and separated.  Seneca wants a normal life waaay before she meets Brandon, but he's sort of the last straw where she's feel like she can't keep living never getting close to anyone or never making a home anywhere.  AND she hates that she has no control over the power she has so when she sees people in trouble she can't always help.  AND she meets up with some others that were part of the experiment who sort of get her all riled up about vengence.  In terms of cause of fear, I mean that she can get to the scene of the problem and rescue the person in danger.  The thing is, Brandon has no idea that he was a part of the experiement and actually expresses interest in knowing his father.  So Seneca decides not to tell him, but by the time she realizes that was a dumb choice things have gone too far.  I just can't find room for all of those details in the query.

I have tried this thing from so many angles.  I am so lost now.

I know I sound exasperated, but I really do appreciate your help.  Back to the drawing board...

[Tabris]

I'd begin it the way you started:  The last time Seneca felt this much fear in one place was when she and the other child victims of The Experiment all escaped late one evening. But now the man who in effect created her is breathing down her neck, and the fear is all her own.

Then go into the whole thing with Brandon and the uprooting, and her decision.

[EJ]

try this website: http://querygoblin.blogspot.com/
You can post your query and she revises it and gives awesome comments - for FREE!

[RPG123]

try this website: http://querygoblin.blogspot.com/
You can post your query and she revises it and gives awesome comments - for FREE!

Thanks, emikojean.  But it's not the advice, it's the writer.

[Zooks]

RPG123 - I think Tabris gave you some great suggestions.   You can do this.      karma.

[RPG123]

RPG123 - I think Tabris gave you some great suggestions.   You can do this.      karma.

Thanks Zooks.  I'm going to keep going until I get it.

[RPG123]

Am I going in the right direction now?

Sixteen-year-old Seneca Harvey hasn’t sensed this much fear since the day her mother stole her away from a radical human testing trial, stowed her alone in the dark crawl space of their house and never came back. It’s been thirteen years of hiding since then but John Randall, the man who led the trial, is still after Seneca and the fear is all her own. 

On random nights, the fear of others transforms Seneca into an unstoppable force that locates danger and annihilates it. If only her own fear could transform her, Seneca could face her own danger.  She could stop hiding and sneaking around to see her first love and only friend, Brandon.  Her aunt could stop planning their next move.  Seneca could find her mother.  With no control over her power, it’s all impossible.  But when a neighborhood kid dies because Seneca can’t transform at will she decides to lure Randall, discover the secret behind her transformation and then destroy him.

Seneca’s connection to Randall is closer than she expects.  Randall is the father that Brandon believes is dead and longs to have known.  Seneca has two impossible choices— abandon her love for Brandon and move on to the next city or follow through with her plans to destroy John Randall.  Either way, Seneca will lose Brandon.

[michelleimason]

I've read your query a couple of times but hadn't responded because others had already given you good feedback. This is so much stronger! The specificity of the opening really brings her fear to life. I just have a few small comments.

Sixteen-year-old Seneca Harvey hasn’t sensed this much fear since the day her mother stole her away from a radical human testing trial, stowed her alone in the dark crawl space of their house and never came back. It’s been thirteen years of hiding since then but John Randall, the man who led the trial, is still after Seneca, and the fear is all her own. 

On random nights, the fear of others transforms Seneca into an unstoppable force that locates danger and annihilates it. How does she annihilate it? Destroy whatever caused the fear? Take the person away from whatever is causing the fear? This could be clearer - like what you did in the opening sentence. If only her own fear could transform her, Seneca could face her own danger.  She could stop hiding and sneaking around to see her first love and only friend, Brandon.  Her aunt could stop planning their next move. I remember something about moving from a previous version, but it was dropped here. Maybe: Her aunt could stop planning their xth move in x years.  Seneca could find her mother.  With no control over her power, it’s all impossible.  But when a neighborhood kid dies because Seneca can’t transform at will she decides to lure Randall, discover the secret behind her transformation and then destroy him. Destroy him how? Kill him or his research?

Seneca’s connection to Randall is closer than she expects.  Randall is the father that Brandon believes is dead and longs to have known. Seems a little convenient. You may want to clarify above that she knew Brandon from that earlier time so there's a connection between Brandon and Randall and this doesn't come across as a twist out of nowhere. Seneca has two impossible choices— abandon her love for Brandon and move on to the next city or follow through with her plans to destroy John Randall.  Either way, Seneca will lose Brandon.

[RPG123]

Thanks, Michelle.  The updates are based on your questions. 

Any and all feedback is appreciated!

Sixteen-year-old Seneca Harvey hasn’t sensed this much fear since the day her mother stole her away from a radical human testing trial, stowed her alone in the dark crawl space of their house and never came back. It’s been thirteen years of hiding since then but John Randall, the man who led the trial, is still after Seneca and the fear is all her own. 

On random nights, the fear of others transforms Seneca into an unstoppable force that locates danger and uses superhuman speed, strength, agility and reflexes to secure victims’ safety. If only her own fear could transform her, Seneca could face her own danger.  She could stop sneaking around to see her first love and only friend, Brandon.  Her aunt could stop planning their eleventh move in thirteen years.  Seneca could find her mother.  With no control over her power, it’s all impossible.  But when a neighborhood kid dies because Seneca can’t transform at will she decides to lure Randall, discover the secret behind her transformation and then end his very existence.

Seneca recognizes that Brandon has amazing agility and flexibility.  It’s when she realizes that he’s devoid of fear that she decides to dig a little deeper.  She discovers that Randall is the father that Brandon believes is dead and longs to have known.  Seneca has two impossible choices— abandon her love for Brandon and move on to the next city or follow through with her plans for John Randall.  Either way, Seneca will lose Brandon.

[kanikadad]

Hi RPG,

250 words on the nose. Seems you're almost there. This has real punch and tells me what I need to know. The conflict in the final sentence is clear and to the point.
 
Read aloud, the string of adjectives in the first sentence of the second paragraph seems a little long ("...speed, strength, agility and reflexes..."; consider that, in athletics, strength + speed = power) and I think "...end his life..." might work as well as "...end his very existence...". Also, "...lure Randall..." leaves a reader waiting for "...lure..." to what? Is there another expression that might work here? Very interested to hear others' opinions, but I think this version is near ready.

Best of luck. Knock 'em dead.

K

[Tabris]

This is lots closer!

Sixteen-year-old Seneca Harvey hasn’t sensed this much fear since the day her mother stole rescued? her away from a radical human testing trial, stowed her alone in the dark crawl space of their housecomma and never came back. It’s been thirteen years of hiding since then--> that's too passive. Since then she's moved eleven times in thirteen years, but John Randall, the man who led the trial experiments, is still after Senecaperiod and This time, the fear is all her own. 

On random nights, I dislike this preamble because of the randomness the fear of others transforms Seneca into an unstoppable force that locates danger and uses superhuman speed, strength, agility and reflexes to secure victims’ safety. If only her own fear could transform her, Seneca could face her own danger.  She could stop sneaking around to see her first love and only friend, Brandon.  Her aunt could stop planning their eleventh move in thirteen years. If you use that information above, you won't double it here; it's good info to have. Seneca could find her mother.  With no control over her power, it’s all impossible.  But when a neighborhood kid dies because Seneca can’t transform at will she decides to lure Randall, discover the secret behind her transformation and then end his very existence. This feels a bit clunky. Give her emotions in response to the kid dying. Then give us her resolution.

Seneca recognizes that Brandon has amazing agility and flexibility.  It’s when she realizes that he’s devoid of fear that she decides to dig a little deeper. Can you put that up above when you first introduce brandon? That one of the reasons she loves him is he's devoid of fear, so she herself feels safe knowing she won't transform around him...?  She discovers that Randall is the father that Brandon believes is dead and longs to have known.  Seneca has two impossible choices— abandon her love for Brandon and move on to the next citycomma or follow through with her plans for John Randall.  Either way, Seneca will lose Brandon.

The last sentence is too final. I think I'd strike it and leave it as a question.

Overall this is much improved. Much clearer! GOod work!

[RPG123]

Thanks, kanikada (I went to highschool with a kanika, btw.) and Tabris.  You have no idea how good it feels to see a glimmer of hope in this thing.  Tabris there is no truer caption than that on your avatar.  You really do rock.  Thanks for coming back to continue to help me and for the opening paragraph.  Really, that's all you. Karma is not enough.

Anyway, I'm not sure if I need a transition between paragraphs two and three.  Also, "Seneca" is in the last paragraph three times.  Is that really annoying? 



Sixteen-year-old Seneca Harvey hasn’t sensed this much fear since the day her mother rescued her from a radical human testing trial, stowed her alone in the dark crawl space of their house, and never came back. Since then she’s moved eleven times in thirteen years, but John Randall, the man who led the trial experiments, is still after Seneca.  This time the fear is all her own. 

The fear of others transforms Seneca into an unstoppable force that locates danger and uses superhuman power and agility to secure victims’ safety. If only her own fear could transform her, Seneca could face her own danger.  She could stop sneaking around to see her first love and only friend, Brandon, the most fearless and alive person she’s ever met.  Her aunt could stop planning their next move.  Seneca could find her mother.  With no control over her power, it’s all impossible.  But when a child dies because she can’t transform at will, Seneca is distraught.  She decides to go after Randall, discover the secret behind her transformation and then end his life.

Seneca suspects that Brandon’s fearlessness isn’t just a personality trait.  He’s incapable of feeling fear.  Seneca discovers that Brandon was also apart of the trial and Randall is the father that Brandon believes is dead.  Seneca has two impossible choices— abandon her love for Brandon and move on to the next city, or follow through with her plans.

[iBel29]

Wow, this query has sure come well along from its complexity. I like its brevity and detail, and Tabris has offered invaluable help. the suggestions have shaped it well, and I find it strong where it is now. Nice! Luck hey. It has hit the spots for me, its all good.