Insoluble...Rewritten

[CourtneyBuc]

Hi there,
I'll offer suggestions on this version. They're small tweaks only at this point. Sounds like a great story.

Sixteen-year-old Seneca Harvey hasn’t sensed this much fear since the day her mother rescued her from a radical human testing trial, stowed her alone in the dark crawl space of their house, and never came back. Since then she’s moved eleven times in thirteen years, but John Randall, the man who led the trial experiments, is still after Seneca.  Since then, Seneca and her aunt have moved eleven times, constantly on the run from John Randall, the man who led the trial experiments and won't let her go.This time the fear is all her own. 

Seneca's supernatural talent transforms her when she senses the fear of others; she is capable of inhuman strength and agility in her mission to save the victims of impending tragedy. The fear of others transforms Seneca into an unstoppable force that locates danger and uses superhuman power and agility to secure victims’ safety. If only her own fear could transform her, Seneca could face her own danger.  She could stop sneaking around I'm not sure how sneaking around is something that needs superhuman abilities applied to it to see her first love and only friend, Brandon, the most fearless and alive vibrant person she’s ever met.  Her aunt could stop planning their next move.  Seneca could find look for her mother.  But with no control over her power, it’s all impossible.  But when a child dies because she can’t transform at will, Seneca is distraught.  She decides to go after Randall, discover the secret behind her transformation and then end his life.

Seneca's suspicion suspects that Brandon’s fearlessness isn’t just a personality trait are confirmed when she .  He’s incapable of feeling fear.  Seneca discovers that Brandon was also aspacepart of the trial experimentsand Randall is the father that Brandon believes is dead.  Seneca has two impossible choices— abandon her love for Brandon and move on to the next city, or follow through with her plans.And when a child dies because she can’t transform in time, Seneca is distraught.  She decides to stop running and go after Randall to uncover the secret behind her powers. Then maybe she can have a normal life. Maybe even one with Brandon in it. But she didn't count on ...

I think you go a little too far into the story by revealing that John is Brandon's father, so I'd recommend ending on a different point. I want to say something here about what happens between her decision to change the status quo, and the obstacles that presents - but I don't know what they are. Can you center them on her highest stakes? Does Brandon's inability to have fear give him some supernatural powers too? Is Brandon going to turn against her? You need come cliffhanger that will make an agent so curious as to how it will all turn out.

EDIT: Just occurred to me you already have the cliffhanger, I just didn't put it in the right place. D'oh. Anyway, try this on for size, and take what you like:

When she was three years old, Seneca Harvey's mother rescued her from a radical human testing trial, stowed her alone in the dark crawl space of their house, and never came back. Seneca and her aunt have moved eleven times in last thirteen years to escape John Randall, the man who led the trial experiments.  Randall knows of Seneca's ability to harness inhuman strength and agility to save the victims of impending tragedy when she senses fear.

But Seneca is tired of running. And she's finally got something to stay still for: her first love and only friend, Brandon. Seneca daydreams of never moving again and looking for her mother. But when a child dies because she has lost the power to transform at will, Seneca is distraught. Now she doesn't just want to stop running, she wants to go after Randall herself and uncover the secret to her powers. But Seneca learns Brandon was also part of Randall's experiments, and he has more to lose than she does.

Now Seneca senses fear everywhere. This time, the fear is all her own.

[Tabris]

Tabris there is no truer caption than that on your avatar.  You really do rock. 

I put that there for the sake of irony, actually. Very few people rock less than I do. 

Sixteen-year-old Seneca Harvey hasn’t sensed this much fear since the day her mother rescued her from a radical human testing trial, stowed her alone in the dark crawl space of their house, and never came back. Since then she’s moved eleven times in thirteen years, but John Randall, the man who led the trial experiments, is still after Seneca her.  This time the fear is all her own. 

The fear of others transforms Seneca into an unstoppable force that locates danger and uses superhuman power and agility to secure victims’ safety protect others. If only her own fear could transform her, Seneca could face her own danger.  She could stop sneaking around to see her first love and only friend, Brandon, the most fearless and alive person she’s ever met.  H Maybe her aunt could stop planning their next move.  Seneca could find her mother Maybe she could even find her mother.  WBut with no control over her power, it’s all impossible.  I would recommend breaking the paragraphs here and giving this its own and beefing up this first sentence -> when a child dies of an unknown danger, Seneca is distraught: why can't she transform at will?But when a child dies because she can’t transform at will, Seneca is distraught.  She decides to go after Randall, discover the secret behind her transformation -- and then end his life.

This is jolty. Seneca suspects that Brandon’s fearlessness isn’t just a personality trait.  He’s incapable of feeling fear.  Seneca discovers that Brandon was also apart of the trial and Randall is the father that Brandon believes is dead.Can you combine these three sentences into one or two? Something like "in her pursuit of Randall, she discovers Brandon was not only a part of the experiment too, but also Randall's son. And whatever Randall did, it rendered him fearless"?  That's clunky and it doesn't flow with the other stuff, but along those lines, just to keep it smooth and connected to what happened before. As it is now, the suspicion just comes out of nowhere as opposed to arising from Seneca's decision to hunt down her creator.  Seneca has two impossible choices— abandon her love for Brandon and move on to the next city, or follow through with her plans...and lose him anyway.

THis was mostly a smooth-over, though. Good progress!

[peaceofmind]

Sixteen-year-old Seneca Harvey hasn’t sensed this much fear since the day her mother stole her away from a radical human testing trial, stowed her alone in the dark crawl space of their house and never came back. It’s been thirteen years of hiding since then. but But John Randall, the man who led the trial, is still after Seneca and this time the fear is all her own. 

On random nights, the fear of others transforms Seneca into an unstoppable force that locates danger and annihilates it. If only her own fear could transform her, Seneca could face her own danger.  She could stop hiding and sneaking around to see her first love and only friend, Brandon.  Her aunt could stop planning their next move.  Seneca could find her mother.  With no control over her power, it’s all impossible.  But when a neighborhood kid dies because Seneca can’t transform at will she decides to lure Randall, discover the secret behind her transformation and then destroy him.

Seneca’s connection to Randall is closer than she expects.  Randall is the father that Brandon believes is dead and longs to have known.  Seneca has two impossible choices— abandon her love for Brandon and move on to the next city or follow through with her plans to destroy John Randall.  Either way, Seneca will lose Brandon.

As you can see...I didn't have much to comment on. I think this query sounds great! Good job and good luck!

[RPG123]

Thanks for all of the comments and everyone for hanging in there with me.

Courtney- I do so love what you wrote and I went back and forth between going in that direction or sticking with what I've been working on.  I decided to stick with fixing this.  If this doesn't work I'll be back for your copy.  Thank you.

Tabris-  There are lots of different ways to rock.  Just accept it, kay.

Anyway, I realized from both of your comments that something isn't coming through well enough.  MC can't transform at will, at all.  She's never been able to.  It's other people's fear that transforms her whether she wants to or not.  So, I added a couple words to the first sentence of the second paragraph in hopes of clarifying that.  Hopefully it isn't too convoluted now.  And that last paragraph...Here it is again:



Sixteen-year-old Seneca Harvey hasn’t sensed this much fear since the day her mother rescued her from a radical human testing trial, stowed her in the crawl space of their house, and never came back. Since then she’s moved eleven times in thirteen years, but John Randall, the man who led the trial experiments, is still after her.  This time the fear is all her own. 

But, it’s the fear of others that randomly transforms Seneca into an unstoppable force that locates danger and uses superhuman power to protect others.  If only her own fear could transform her, Seneca could face her own danger.  She could stop sneaking around to see her first love and only friend, Brandon, the most fearless person she’s ever met.  Maybe her aunt could stop planning their next move.  Maybe she could even find her mother.  But with no control over her power, it’s all impossible. 

Then, because she can’t transform at will, a child dies.  Distraught, Seneca decides to go after Randall, discover the secret behind her transformation and then end his life.

In pursuit of Randall, Seneca discovers that Brandon was not only part of the busted experiment, but is also Randall’s son.  And the experiment rendered Brandon unable to feel fear.  Seneca believes that fearlessness will put him right in the middle of her war with Randall.  She has two impossible choices— abandon her love for Brandon and move on to the next city, or follow through with her plans…and lose him anyway.

[CourtneyBuc]

I only wanted to give you food for thought, and so I'm glad if you can use anything I brought up.


I have a sticking point with where you use the line: "This time the fear is all her own."
It doesn't work for me if you use it before telling us what her special power is. All you say is she sensed a lot of fear the day her mother took her and hid her in a crawl space... unless I know then that she can sense other people's fear, of course I think that the fear she has that day is her own. So to then say, "this time the fear is all her own" doesn't have the full impact I think you want it to at this point.

When you say, "If only her own fear could transform her," you then list things in her life she'd like to accomplish...not an imminent threat that requires superhuman strength to fix. So, that line seems misplaced there before the list of things she'd like to change, like the sneaking out and moving and finding her mom.

The "end his life" in reference to Randall is very removed from the action and rather passive. She wants to kill him. That's a power-packed, action-filled statement.

I still think you go too far mentioning that Randall is Brandon's dad. It doesn't give you any value add because there is no conflict/tension brought up by that fact. You don't say that Brandon or Randall have any reaction to that fact, nor do you play on the fact that Seneca lost her mom and she doesn't want Brandon to also lose his dad, so she decides not to kill Randall. Nothing. So, why mention it? What purpose does it serve? EDIT: OH! Snap! I see now what you mean when you say she'd lose her boyfriend if she follows through with her plans...you mean if Brandon knows she killed his dad. OK. Then, you should make that a bit more clear.

I don't know that the fact that she can't control her transformations is obvious. So when you say because she can't do it a child dies, it seems like her not being able to control it is a new thing..after all, nobody died before that. Which makes me wonder why not? Why does someone die now? What changed?

I think it will be more impactful if you say that it's Brandon's protection of Seneca which puts him in the path of danger -- not just his innate fearlessness (at least I'm inferring that, is it true?) It makes me wonder if Randall knows Brandon is his son? Is Randall so intent on getting Seneca that he doesn't care about hurting his own son? Then I wonder if Seneca the only one who got extra powers from the experiment? Did the experiment give her these powers or did she have them before?

When I wrote my own query letter, I sent it to an agent who had similar types of questions on my query. And, I thought well, why do I want to answer all those questions? It is supposed to make you curious about my story, and if you have questions, that is a good thing. But, no, it's not. You want to lay out the facts clearly enough that we follow you to the edge of the cliff and then you show us the stakes. A good way to avoid the reader having these niggling questions is to lay out a clear a motivation/reaction in each paragraph, and have that be what you use to segue into the next paragraph. Then the reader is so caught up in what is happening that they don't stop to ask questions that they might normally wonder about when you just lay out statements with no plot driving things forward. (And when I say "plot" I'm referring to the old adage about the difference between a story and a plot via "The king died and then the queen died of grief" per: http://www2.anglistik.uni-freiburg.de/intranet/englishbasics/Plot01.htm)

So, I'll put in edits on this version, and fill in with made-up answers to the questions I presented above. My answers won't be right, but you can see what I'm going for, I hope.
Best of luck to you!
--------------------------------
Sixteen-year-old Seneca Harvey hasn’t sensed this much fear since the day her mother rescued her from a radical human testing trial, stowed her in the crawl space of their house, and never came back. Since then, she’s moved eleven times in thirteen years, but John Randall, the man who led the trial experiments, is still after her.  This time the fear is all her own. Seneca is the only child who gained the superhuman powers from Randall's experiment, and he is determined to control her, and her abilities.

But, Seneca's powers are something even she can't control. It’s only in the face of the fear of others that randomly transforms Seneca can harness unequaled strength and agility necessary into an unstoppable force that locates danger and uses superhuman power to protect those in dangerothers.  If only her own fear could transform her, Seneca could face her own danger. Seneca's own fears don't require her super abilities, just a dose of courage she's working hard to achieve. Then, she could stop sneaking around to see her first love and only friend, Brandon, the most fearless person she’s ever met.  Maybe her aunt could stop planning their next move.  Maybe she could even find her mother.  But with no control over her power, it’s all impossible.

Then, because she can’t transform at will, a child dies. But courage finds her the day that her inability to control her powers results in the death of a child.  Distraught, Seneca decides to go after Randall, discover the secret behind her transformation andthen end his life kill him.

In pursuit of Randall, But when Seneca discovers that Brandon was not only also part of the busted experiment, which rendered him incapable of feeling any fear, she knows Brandon will protect her at any cost, putting him right in the middle of her war with Randall. Even worse, she learns that Brandon is Randall's son.but is alsoRandall’s son.  And the experiment rendered Brandon unable to feel fear.  Seneca believes that fearlessness will put   She has two impossible choices — abandon her love for Brandon and move on to the next city to keep him safe, or follow through with her plans…and lose him anyway when he realizes what she's done.

[RPG123]

Lol, Courtney.  I love it when you come back and say "Oh, snap" because something just clicked to you.  At the same time, you're right you shouldn't have to do that.  No agent will.  Your analysis is on point and your edits are fantastic.  What I've been afraid of in the case of both Randall and Brandon is speaking from their point of view, but your suggestions eliminate that issue, I think. 

So here it goes again…


Sixteen-year-old Seneca Harvey hasn’t sensed this much fear since the day her mother rescued her from a human testing trial, stowed her in a crawl space, and never came back. Since then she’s moved eleven times in thirteen years, but John Randall, the trial’s founder, is still after her, determined to control her superhuman abilities. 

But, Seneca’s abilities are something even she can’t control.  It’s only when the fear of others reaches out to her that Seneca can harness the power to protect those in danger.  If she could find that same courage when it comes to dealing with her own fears then maybe she could stop sneaking around to see her first love and only friend, Brandon, the most fearless person she’s ever met.  Maybe her aunt could stop planning their next move.  Maybe she could even find her mother. 

But after her inability to control her powers results in the death of a child, Seneca finds courage.  She decides to go after Randall, discover the secret behind her abilities and then kill him.

But when Seneca discovers that Brandon was part of the busted experiment, leaving him incapable of feeling fear, she knows he’ll protect her at any cost, putting him right in the middle of her war with Randall.  And Brandon isn’t just another test case, he’s Randall’s son.  Seneca has two choices— abandon Brandon and move again to keep him safe, or follow through with her plans and lose him anyway when he realizes what she’s done.

[scarlett9284]

I wasn't sure what you meant by "sensed this much fear" until the second paragraph. You might want to mention in the opening paragraph what exactly her abilities are.

[michelleimason]

You've made some great improvements to this query. One thing I noticed, though, is that you now have "But" at the beginning of three paragraphs in a row. I'd pick the one you're most attached to and change the other two. Good luck!

[RPG123]

Thank you both for your feedback.  I don't know how I didn't notice the "but."  I'm a little anxious, I think.  Anyway, I'm going to correct that issue, send out a batch and see what happens.

[starbaby017]

 
This is amazing! 
Everyone above me gave you brilliant comments so all I'm going to add is good luck!  I loved the tid bits I picked up from your various versions of your queries and I hope you sell it.  I would definitely buy it!!!   

[kanikadad]

Hey RPG,

I've followed this with a lot of interest. You're at 251 words. It keeps getting better. I agree on the "but" issue and maybe giving us a hint on her powers (even another 25 words would not be out of bounds) but I think this is about ready. A good plot, a good hook, tightly composed. I'd go with it.

Knock 'em dead.

K

[RPG123]

Star and K.  Thank you both for your comments.  They mean a ton. 

K, I'm going to take a few days and think about what you said about adding more info about what MC can do.  I entered a contest the other day, but other than that I can ponder longer.  I don't think agents are sitting around doing word counts or anything.  I think they rely on the "eye test."  The thing is the queries that seem to get praised are those that are shorter.  I've collected tons that have attracted agents (lot of good that did me ) and the trend seems to be moving toward less than two hundred words.  Maybe it's a YA thing...I don't know.

Thanks again.

[kanikadad]

Hey RPG,

One last word about query word count. I wish I could tell you the source of this link so credit could go where it's due - I think it was somewhere on QT but it's always possible I just googled it. I was really sweating word count until I read it. Maybe it will be useful.

http://blog.nathanbransford.com/2008/09/query-stats-by-word-count.html

[RPG123]

K,

LOL. I hear you...NB used to be a dream agents of mine and I followed him quite a lot.  I'll say this though.  That post is more than three years old.  I see the trend going the other way. 

That said, do you think knowing specifically what her skills are will make the difference between a request and rejection?  If you do, I will add the 25 words because ultimately I want the request, right.

You're keeping me thinking.  Thanks.

[kanikadad]

Good point. For me, it works as is - but then again, I already know what her abilities are, so maybe I'm the wrong person to ask. "Superhuman..." already says a lot.

K