New approach to old query

[sarah_biglow]

NEW VERSION IN POST #8

So I tried this query as a women's fiction and didn't get much action.  So I'm trying it as a contemporary with romantic elements.  I plan on subbing to handful of publishers.  Any feedback would be appreciated.

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Dear [Editor Name]:

Four women step into prenatal yoga as strangers struggling with their own relationship complications.

Shannon Atwater struggles to confront feelings of inequality and inadequacy in her marriage following the news of baby number four.  When Lisbeth Marquez and her partner Candace finally have a successful IVF cycle, the reality and difficulties of a multiple pregnancy illuminates tensions over how and why they’re trying to create a family.

Renee Blackwell's life seems perfect, even with an unexpected baby on the way until her boyfriend abandons her.  Now she faces the painful reality of single parenthood.  Erika Lind’s party girl ways draw her ex-boyfriend back into her life and introduces a new shoulder to lean on in her AA sponsor.  But she’s not sure she’s ready for a relationship with either unless she can straighten herself out.

Over the months they become a family, sharing in the discomfort of awkward yoga poses and relying on each other’s strength to reconcile and rebuild their relationships.

UNPLANNED, complete at 93,000 words, is a work of contemporary fiction with romantic elements told from the viewpoint of four very distinct women and will appeal to fans of Anne Brashares’s THE SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING PANTS.

I received my Bachelor of Arts degree in History from Susquehanna University in 2009 and will graduate with a Juris Doctor degree from New England School of Law in May 2012.

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,
Me, Myself & I
[contact info]

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[Zooks]

I remember this and really like this sarah_biglow.      Best of luck to you with it.  karma.

[RPG123]

This is well-written to me.  This sentence: "Erika Lind’s party girl ways draw her ex-boyfriend back into her life and introduce a shoulder to lean on in her AA sponsor" confused me only because at first I though her boyfriend and AA sponsor were one in the same.  That's really nitpicky, though. 


Good luck.

[sarah_biglow]

Nitpicky is what I need, RPG.  I've reworked it a bit to make it more specific and interesting.  Suggestions?

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Dear [Editor Name]:


Shannon Atwater struggles with feelings of inequality in her marriage when her husband tells her she’ll have to be the primary caregiver for baby number four .  Faced with the choice of whether or not to terminate one of their twins in order to have a healthy pregnancy, Lisbeth Marquez and her partner Candace clash over how and why they're creating a family in the first place.

Abandoned by her boyfriend, Renee Blackwell faces the difficult road of single parenthood.  Party girl Erika Lind worries her lifestyle has affected her unborn baby.  To straighten up, she joins AA which brings complications in the form of a handsome AA sponsor vying for her attention when her ex-boyfriend re-enters her life

Over the months the four women become a family, sharing yoga poses and each other's strength in order to rebuild and reassess their relationships.

UNPLANNED, complete at 93,000 words, is a work of contemporary fiction with romantic elements told from the viewpoint of four very distinct women and will appeal to fans of Anne Brashares’s THE SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING PANTS.

I received my Bachelor of Arts degree in History from Susquehanna University in 2009 and will graduate with a Juris Doctor degree from New England School of Law in May 2012.

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,
Me Myself & I
[Contact info]

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[RPG123]

Good. Glad I could help.  Sometimes when you start tweaking something that's pretty much already there you make a mess.  I don't want to do that to you.

It's clear now that it's two different guys.

[michelleimason]

One comment - did you mean to drop the opening sentence about the four women? Without it, the reader is confronted with four different characters, and that's confusing. Otherwise it looks good. Really love the title!

[sarah_biglow]

I did mean to drop it but looking at it, it is a bit confusing without it.  Plus the yoga bit at the end doesn't make sense now.  Let me fiddle.

[AnyaHarker]

I have to say I like the opening sentence. While it does read a little like a log-line? You're also doing a slightly unconventional query with giving us four MCs so I think those sandwich sentences about yoga does well to bring the entire thing together.

[sarah_biglow]

How's this:

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Dear [Editor Name]:

Four women enter prenatal yoga class as strangers, each struggling with their own relationship complications.

Shannon Atwater battles feelings of inequality in her marriage when her husband tells her she’ll have to be the primary caregiver for baby number four.  Faced with the choice of whether or not to terminate one of their twins in order to have a healthy pregnancy, Lisbeth Marquez and her partner clash over how and why they're creating a family in the first place.

Abandoned by her boyfriend, Renee Blackwell faces the difficult road of single parenthood.  Party girl Erika Lind worries her lifestyle has affected her unborn baby.  To straighten up, she joins AA which brings complications in the form of a handsome AA sponsor vying for her attention when her ex-boyfriend re-enters her life.

Over the months the four women become a family, sharing yoga poses and each other's strength in order to rebuild and reassess their relationships.

UNPLANNED, complete at 93,000 words, is a work of contemporary fiction with romantic elements told from the viewpoint of four very distinct women and will appeal to fans of Anne Brashares’s THE SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING PANTS.

I received my Bachelor of Arts degree in History from Susquehanna University in 2009 and will graduate with a Juris Doctor degree from New England School of Law in May 2012.

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,
Me Myself & I
[Contact Info]

[michelleimason]

Good updates. My only other question would be whether THE SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING PANTS is a good comp title since it's YA. Maybe you can use it but acknowledge you recognize they're not the same genre. Best of luck!