Wild storms have plagued
plague the country of sixteen-year-old Emma Blekbyrd (POV) and
each timewith each storm somone disappears - or something like that people go missing. On the night
is there a certain night each year/month where the storms come? of the winter storms Emma hears a screeching cry,
new sentence peeping out her window she sees them, hefty men carrying away some of her neighbours
back into the wild skies shooting away in strays of lightning.
I know what you're trying to describe here, but it needs to be reworded.
Caught watching One of them sees her watching and turns back to attack her, but something in the house stops him, leaving Emma with a scar.... or something like this. but debilitated by something in the house he fails; only marking Emma with a scar. This is a huge jump, but I don't know if it could be done smoother or not?
?Sam Wetherald (POV) hates his job as death in Sublime Eden where the sun never rises. He lost the ability to smell, touch and even love the day he brought a human girl into their world.
Bringing a human girl into their world was a past mistake he made?On the day Whenhe’s sent to kill a toddler, he finds she’s a Transmitter—messages born as humans—that carries a message from his supposed dead fiancé, ISOBEL,
left ten years agoI didn't understand this last bit. He longs to find her,
and he decides to apply for a body at the Foundation,
who's that but the lines are too long
and souls and ghost are too large in number. Going against formality
, he uses a Tracker to take him to Isobel
, but instead of her
, he finds her spitting image: Emma Blekbyrd.
There's a lot going on here, which makes it a bit confusing. I think I'd cut out some things - like the long lines- and concentrate on the main plot just to keep things clear.Years ago, Sam(POV)
had tried to recreate the woman he loved by
creating (echo) a replica of her from the Ghoul Parlour Services which failed miserably.
What is Ghoul Parlour Services? And I'd cut this sentence in half - too many ideas packed in too fast Although he was punished by the goddesses in Sublime Eden to never love again
why that? and who is she?his Soul-Attraction with Emma does not apply.
doesn't apply to what? Seeing her rekindles the love he had with Isobel, only better, Emma is softer, subtle, caring and less crude than his supposed dead fiancé. He possesses seventeen-year-old LUKE’s body who has bad history with Emma.
this is a bit vagueSam(POV) wants to understand why Emma looks like Isobel and uses the bad history to soothe things over.
Again - too vague- How can he use a bad history to soothe anything over? Instead he can’t help control his feelings
in contrast to those of Luke and his girlfriend Possessing this body is dangerous for humans for they could die,
Now I'm completely lost. His girlfriend possess what body?and such murder or illegal possession is forbidden in Eden Falls.
Emma(POV) is the only girl in school immune to Luke’s charm because of how bitter he’s been to her when she refused to go out with him three years ago.
Reword the last part of the sentence or break it into twoSomething different about
his new?gentleman nature and attitude changes that,
and his persistence to make her realize that he is repentant. On several occasions he kisses her and
come on to her and this raises tension between her and his
sweet, respectful girlfriend.
Emma
(POV) refuses to continue doing this to
his girlfriend girl, and ends their somewhat relationship.
With the scar increasing in painBut that's not her only problem. Her scar begins to hurt and the pain grows.,
and Thedoctors claim its some form of Cancer which leaves her with seven months to live,
new sentence Emma sets
outto do one thing: show the world the reason of her scar—the men behind the missing people.
The goddesses in Sublime Eden are unaware of Sam’s (POV) life on earth, but they call him in for another death-job with a new addition of a duty: to capture Derelicts. A Derelict is a new law officiated by Eden Falls as humans who were failed to be caught by the Red-Irised Men
who are they? and are now required to be captured to supply the demand of Souls and Ghosts. Sam (POV) is given a list of Derelicts to return back
and, in his list is Emma. A time limit of 25 days is given, or else the Red-Irised Men will do the job themselves.
Emma(POV) is surprised at the early intervention of the wild storms. She sets on her objective to reveal the
se monsters and waits in the forest to record them and send the file to every social network service of twitter, Facebook, YouTube.
too many andsLuke appears disturbed and confesses to her he has to kill her. He reveals everything about his world and the Red-Irised-Men, everything but his true name. She doesn’t understand what he means that he can’t lose her again, to him it would be as losing Isobel again, which he can’t bear.
POV slip and break up the sentence Emma(POV) is forced into believing his story, when they are attacked and he takes her to Sublime Eden
where his sister lives. There he begs Emma to choose from the seven girls he offers to possess. This would give her freedom from the Red-Irised Men, for they want her body, her soul is less important to them. Declining the offer she regrets it when Luke is no longer dormant and takes full control of his body by kidnapping Emma to a Foundation in Eden Falls where she is forced to await trial, as a Derelict, for her aid in helping Sam possess a body illegal.
Way too much happening in this sentence. Break it down.The trial reveals secrets in her
Emma? family and friends. Two people are called to the stand, her twin-sister and best friend who have known about Eden Falls. Her sister, EVELYN, is a Fate Writer that writes out the lives of people, inclusive Emma’s. Emma’s best friend has been working with the foundation to create humans for Souls and Ghosts instead of stealing that of humans. Grotesque images show mutilated bodies in his house, and that of her other close friend who she thought the storms were the reason for her disappearance. As Fate Writers have higher powers in courts due to their prediction abilities Emma is set free on the account of her sister, on one condition, that on the loss of Luke’s life due to the love between Sam and her, it has to legalised by marriage in three years to come.
Evelyn and Emma are set to question their grandmother about their history lineage and it’s link to Eden Falls. Instead they find something else rather disturbing—fifty years ago their Grandmother went by the name Isobel.
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You've got a lot going on here. I think you need to decided which names (or titles) are important and leave it at just a few. I have the feeling that you're trying to cram in too much information too fast - especially often in a single sentence. Maybe if you'd start with just the basic, basic story line (the major sentence for each paragraph) and build out from there. I wouldn't worry about the word count. That depends a lot on who you're sending it to. Some agents want 1 page - some want 3 or more. But start with the simple one because its a lot easier to build it out to more than to compress it all.
Good luck! (I remember your query on this - it's neat to see where the rest of the story goes.)
