Zooks has gotten to the bits quite while I will just add some a little of my opinion, .Hey everyone, thanks for taking the time to check this post out. I've been querying for a few weeks on my novel and have so far gotten two full requests and one partial request. I've also gotten seven form rejections. I don't really want to query anymore in case it's the query getting me these rejections...so any help would be very appreciated. Thanks!
The Query (Minus the salutations and closing)
The opposite of love isn’t hate; it’s control. I liked this first line but I wish there was a transition of that bang through to the next paragraph.
Alorra Whitmire’s new found home, high up in the trees of Rabble Village, is a far cry from all she knew living in the salvaged ships the rich Augustans called home. Her post-holocaustic world knows only two classesDefine world better, eg. world is divided into 2 factions: the poor Rabbles, and the rich Augustans. I just feel its better to introduce the names of them somehow: the rich and the poor and only one thing: a working datamancer could mean ultimate power.
As the two groups are locked in hatred for each other As zooks said this needs explaining so we know why they are at war with each other, they use their inherent abilities-the rich using mental strength, the poor using physical prowess- for constant combat and dispute. Alorra finds herself thrown (just finds herself thrown into the Rabble like that? What happened for her to land there?)from her former Augustan glory and home, into a rough, but noble group of Rabble boys. Trying to ignore her growing feelings for the very class she was taught to abhor, especially the handsome and rugged Houston Battle, she finds herself in the middle of a fight she didn’t cause, but must somehow end.
Desperate to hide her own secret from both classes,(name the stakes of what would happen if they found out) that she is a hybrid holding the powers of both Augustans and Rabbles, she sets forth to change her world, willing to do anything to prevent the datamancer from falling into the hands of the enemy and to save herself and her new friends from destruction.
BOILERPUNK is a young adult, steampunk novel complete at 68,000 words. I am a 2002 graduate of Old Dominion University with degrees in English, Education, and Journalism. I have worked as a sports reporter for the Virginia Pilot, The Mace and Crown, and Buffalo News and have been a high school English teacher for the past ten years.
It's an interesting concept but I need to feel more of the conflict, the reason, and the characters meaning behind it clearly. Some additions you made such as Houstan Battle and her new friends felt like a throw-in. then again that's just my opinion good luck hey.
