MG Fantasy - MERCHILD (yet again...)

[allegretta12]

After some advice from an editor, I'm trying a new approach to this. I'd be very grateful for any advice you might have!!

Dear Specific Agent,

Twelve-year-old Annette has serious parent problems. It’s bad enough that her mermaid mother went off to be King of the Sea after Annette was born, and her wizard dad ditched her too so he’d have more time to brood about the whole thing in his underground house. What’s worse is the Leviathan they've managed to trap on Earth. Annette has to find the monster’s song-spell and return it to its own world without becoming mermaid-girl soup. If she doesn’t, one of her parents might just get mad enough to set the creature loose to kill.

MERCHILD is a middle grade fantasy complete at 37,000 words, and has series potential.
(personalization). Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,
A

[emel00]

Hi allegretta,

I've never read your previous query, so these are just my thoughts on this one as you have it.  They are posted in red below.

After some advice from an editor, I'm trying a new approach to this. I'd be very grateful for any advice you might have!!

Dear Specific Agent,

Twelve-year-old Annette has serious parent problems.It’s bad enough that Her mermaid mother went off to be King of the Sea afterAnnette she was born, and her wizard dad ditched her too so he’d have more time to brood about the whole thing in his underground house. What’s worse is the Leviathan they've managed to trap on Earth. (Okay...this is where I get confused. I don't know who they is. Who trapped the Leviathan and why does this hurt Annette? Also, it may just be me,  but I have no idea what a Leviathan is. You might want to add a few extra words in there to help describe the Leviathan and help the reader get what the big deal is because I sense this is your twist to the story, your main conflict, but as it reads right now---it's flat.)Annette has to find the monster’s song-spell and return it to its own world without becoming mermaid-girl soup.(I like the mermaid-girl soup comment. Funny. But here's where strengthening your conflict will help the reader understand what's at stake. Does Annette have to return the song-spell to its own world, or the Leviathan? I'm confused.) If she doesn’t, one of her parents might just get mad enough to set the creature loose to kill.(Were her parents behind it all along? And will the creature kill Annette? Or, other people?)

MERCHILD is a middle grade fantasy complete at 37,000 words, and has series potential.
(personalization). Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,
A

Good luck allegretta!

[Zooks]

  w/emel00.  Show us more about Annette - previous versions mention fish bowl/circus...now we know nothing of her situation or what the Leviathan is/does/could potentially do.  Good luck with this.

[allegretta12]

Thank you, that's really helpful! Karma for your comments. I hope this is better? I'm still struggling a little to explain about the Leviathan.


Dear Specific Agent,

12-year old Annette has serious parent problems. Her mermaid mother went off to be King of the Sea after she was born, and her wizard dad ditched her so he’d have more time to brood about the whole thing.

Then there’s the mythical sea monster – the Leviathan – trapped under dad’s kitchen.

Both parents are determined to use it to destroy each other. Annette has to find the Leviathan’s song-spell and return the monster to its own world without becoming mermaid-girl soup. If she doesn’t, mum or dad might just get mad enough to set the Leviathan loose to kill.

MERCHILD is a middle grade fantasy complete at 37,000 words, and has series potential.
(personalization). Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,
A

[Zooks]

Dear Specific Agent,

Twelve-year-old Annette has serious parent problems. Her mermaid mother went off to be King of the Sea after Annette was born [if you leave 'she' it sounds like the mother went off after SHE was born] , and her wizard dad ditched her so he’d have more time to brood about the whole thing. [can you show us here who took care of her since being abandoned?]

Then there’s the mythical sea monster – the Leviathan – trapped under dad’s kitchen. (am confused about it being mythical yet being under her dad's kitchen)  Because he's a wizard - he's got it under a spell, threatening to unleash it on the mother?]
Both parents are determined to use it to destroy each other. Annette has to find the Leviathan’s song-spell and return the monster to its own world without becoming mermaid-girl soup. If she doesn’t, mum or dad might just get mad enough to set the Leviathan loose to kill. [you already said they're determined to use it to destroy each other]

MERCHILD is a middle grade fantasy complete at 37,000 words, and, while a stand-alone, it has series potential.

(personalization). Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,


This is only 119 words - leaving you plenty of wiggle room to show us more of Annette's personality and explain a few things.  Good luck. 

[scarlett9284]

Dear Specific Agent,

Twelve-year-old Annette has serious parent problems. Her mermaid mother went off to be King of the Sea Why King of the Sea? Why not Queen of the Sea?after Annettewas born, and her wizard dad ditched her so he’d have more time to brood about the whole thing.So he's been brooding for twelve years? Why the long wait?

Then there’s the mythical sea monster – the Leviathan – trapped under dad’s kitchen.

Both parents are determined to use it to destroy each other. Annette has to find the Leviathan’s song-spell and return the monster to its own world without becoming mermaid-girl soup. If she doesn’t, mum or dad might just get mad enough to set the Leviathan loose to kill.Kill who?

MERCHILD is a middle grade fantasy complete at 37,000 words, and has series potential.
(personalization). Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,
A

[allegretta12]

Thanks Zooks and scarlett. After some comments from other readers and my own continued frustration with this version I think I'm going to scrap it. I appreciate your insightful comments though!

[scarlett9284]

Thanks Zooks and scarlett. After some comments from other readers and my own continued frustration with this version I think I'm going to scrap it. I appreciate your insightful comments though!

Sometimes starting over is the best way to go. Don't get discouraged - this sounds like a great story for MG!