YA paranormal: Crystal's Magic

[scarlett9284]

Dear Agent:

God answers nearly all of fifteen-year-old Crystal's prayers. At least that's the way it seems. How else would she explain time slowing down so she doesn't miss the bus?

But after she discovers a note detailing how her now dead mother sought the help of witches to conceive her, Crystal’s faith becomes one giant question mark. She tracks down the witches and demands answers. Supposedly, Crystal is the human incarnation of magic—the only person whose magical potential is limitless. And, according to the witches, Crystal had been answering her own prayers through her magic.

Crystal struggles with what she believes, who she is, and what she can become while learning how to fly and playing with magical fire. But it's not all fun and games when a witch hunter captures her boyfriend, and shamans her aunt and other friends, and she is embroiled in a centuries-old war between witches and shamans, with both sides vying to use her power for their own gain. Crystal can't restrain her emotions and her magic goes haywire.  If she can't learn to control her powers, she just might start the Apocalypse and doom the entire world.

CRYSTAL'S MAGIC is a 80,000-word YA paranormal novel with series potential.

[ChokeCherry]

Dear Agent:

God answers nearly all of fifteen-year-old Crystal's prayers, even slowing down time so she doesn't miss the bus At least that's the way it seems. How else would she explain time slowing down so she doesn't miss the bus?Questions are usually considered tabu in queries - supposedly irritates agents

But after she discovers a note detailing how her now dead mother sought the help of witches to conceive her, Crystal’s faith becomes one giant question mark. she tracks down the witches and demands answers. Supposedly, Crystal is the human incarnation of magic—the only person whose magical potential is limitless. And, according to the witches, The witches claim thatCrystal has been answering her own prayers through her magic , turning Crystal's faith in God into one giant question mark.

Crystal struggles with what she believes, who she is, and what she can become while learning how to fly and playing with magical fire. A bit vague and you suddenly jump to its not all fun and games in the next sentence. Is she upset or having fun? Maybe a little detail would fit in here - you could use the hint of a funny (or bad) situation here to pick up the voice a bit, too But it's not all fun and games when a witch hunter captures her boyfriend and shamans snatchher aunt and other friends. and she Crystalis embroiled in a centuries-old war between witches and shamans, with both sides vying to use her power for their own gain. Crystal can't restrain her emotions and her magic goes haywire. But Crystal has problems of her own. Everytime her emotions run out of control, her magic goes haywire. If she can't learn to control her powersherself, she just might start the Apocalypse and doom the entire world.

CRYSTAL'S MAGIC is a 80,000-word YA paranormal novel with series potential.

I think you're almost there. Just a little here and there and you'll have it.

Good luck!

[RPG123]

You may want to hit me, but if I'm off base here, feel free to ignore. 

Is her faith in God a big part of the story?  I'm assuming she doesn't come from a really religious family because her mother sought out witches.  If the faith isn't a really big deal and saving the aunt and the boyfriend are the big deal, I'd leave the part about the faith out.  It will give your more room to be specific in other areas.

Dear Agent:

Fifteen-year-old Crystal (Last name?) is the human incarnation of magic—the only person whose magical potential is limitless. And, according to the witcheswho helped her mom conceive her, Crystal has been controlling her own life through her magic. I'm not suggesting you use what I wrote.  I just did this for example's sake.

Crystal struggles with what she believes, who she is, and what she can become while learning how to fly and playing with magical fire. But it's not all fun and games when a witch hunter captures her boyfriend, and shamans her aunt and other friends, and she is embroiled in a centuries-old war between witches and shamans, with both sides vying to use her power for their own gain. Crystal can't restrain her emotions and her magic goes haywire.  If she can't learn to control her powers, she just might start the Apocalypse and doom the entire world.

CRYSTAL'S MAGIC is a 80,000-word YA paranormal novel with series potential.

[scarlett9284]

You may want to hit me, but if I'm off base here, feel free to ignore. 

Is her faith in God a big part of the story?  I'm assuming she doesn't come from a really religious family because her mother sought out witches.  If the faith isn't a really big deal and saving the aunt and the boyfriend are the big deal, I'd leave the part about the faith out.  It will give your more room to be specific in other areas.

Crystal's faith is a big part of the story. She never knew her mom because her mom died before she was one. Her mom had been very religious but because she was desperate and God didn't answer her prayers, her mom went to the witches. Her aunt raised Crystal.

When Crystal finds out how she was conceived, she's devastated. She doesn't know what to think, what to believe. As she tries to control her magic, she distances herself a little from God but the back and forth between magic and faith is constant throughout the novel.

[scarlett9284]

New version (not sure if this one is better or worse):

God answers nearly all of fifteen-year-old Crystal's prayers. At least that's the way it seems since time slows down so she doesn't miss the bus and speeds up so she doesn't have to answer questions in class.

But after she discovers a note detailing how her now dead mother sought the help of witches to conceive her, Crystal’s faith becomes one giant question mark. She tracks down the witches and demands answers. Supposedly, Crystal is the human incarnation of magic—the only person whose magical potential is limitless. The witches also claim she's been answering her own prayers with her magic.

Crystal struggles with her faith in God, who she is, and what she is capable of while figuring out how to fly and playing with magical fire. The time for questions and learning is over when a witch hunter captures her boyfriend and shamans snatch her aunt. For someone with limitless magic, Crystal should be easily able to rescue them but every time her emotions run amuck, her magic goes haywire.  If she can't learn to control herself, she'll never be able to save them. Instead, Crystal just might start the Apocalypse and doom the entire world.

[Cujo5]

New version (not sure if this one is better or worse):

God answers nearly all of fifteen-year-old Crystal's prayers. At least that's the way it seems since time slows down so she doesn't miss the bus and speeds up so she doesn't have to answer questions in class.I like this, very teenagerish, good sense of character.

But after she discovers a noteI'm curious how she finds this? In the attic? Basement? I think a bit of detail on where she found it would add to the mystery. detailing how her now dead mother sought the help of witches to conceive her, Crystal’s faith becomes one giant question mark.Much better than the first one. More clear. She tracks down the witches and demands answers. Supposedly, Crystal is the human incarnation of magic—the only person whose magical potential is limitless. The witches also claim she's been answering her own prayers with her magic.I like this. Very interesting.

Crystal struggles with her faith in God, who she is, and what she is capable of while figuring out how to fly and playing with magical fire. The contrast doesn't sit right with me, very dramatic, then very fun.The time for questions and learning is over when a witch hunterProbably just me, but I would like to know about him earlier, maybe he's the one who killed her mother. captures her boyfriend and shamans snatch her aunt. Are there two different antagonists, or is the shaman and the witch hunter the same person?For someone with limitless magic, Crystal should be easily able to rescue them but every time her emotions run amuck, her magic goes haywire.  If she can't learn to control herself, she'll never be able to save them. Instead, Crystal just might start the Apocalypse and doom the entire world.Great job of giving us the stakes here.

[scarlett9284]

Thanks for the feedback, Cujo5!

Newest version:

God answers nearly all of fifteen-year-old Crystal's prayers. At least that's the way it seems since time slows down so she doesn't miss the bus and speeds up so she doesn't have to answer questions in class.

But after she discovers a note in a box hidden in her attic detailing how her now dead mother sought the help of witches to conceive her, Crystal’s faith becomes one giant question mark. She tracks down the witches and demands answers. Supposedly, Crystal is the human incarnation of magic—the only person whose magical potential is limitless. The witches also claim she's been answering her own prayers with her magic.

Crystal struggles with her faith in God, who she is, and what she is capable of while figuring out how to fly and mastering magical fire. The time for questions and learning is over when a witch hunter captures her boyfriend and several shamans snatch her aunt. For someone with limitless magic, Crystal should be easily able to rescue them but every time her emotions run amuck, her magic goes haywire.  If she can't learn to control herself, she'll never be able to save them. Instead, Crystal just might start the Apocalypse and doom the entire world.

[RPG123]

Sorry it took so long to get back to this.  I try to only comment when I can actually help and I'm not sure I can.  The reason I asked the question about her faith is because for some reason her strong faith in God isn't coming across to me.  It could be the types of prayers she believes God is answering.  I'm not sure, but I'm missing the tension of that confilct.  You can totally disregard me, but I wanted come back and explain my question.

In your earlier version you mentioned why the shamans and witches are after her.  I think you should add that back.  Without it I'm left wondering why they're targeting her family.

I hope I helped some.

[scarlett9284]

I appreciate your thoughts, RPG123. I'm trying to use Elana Johnson's book on querying to help with my query so I mentioned her first two prayers so that when an agent firsts starts reading, the opening pages reflect the query. Crystal does pray about other more important things later on in the story.

Newest version:

God answers nearly all of fifteen-year-old Crystal's prayers. At least that's the way it seems since time slows down so she doesn't miss the bus and speeds up so she doesn't have to answer questions in class.

But after she discovers a note in a box hidden in her attic detailing how her now dead mother sought the help of witches to conceive her, Crystal’s faith becomes one giant question mark. She tracks down the witches and demands answers. Supposedly, Crystal is the human incarnation of magic—the only person whose magical potential is limitless. The witches also claim she's been answering her own prayers with her magic.

Crystal struggles with her faith in God, who she is, and what she is capable of while figuring out how to fly and mastering magical fire. The time for questions and learning is over when she is embroiled in a centuries-old war between witches and shamans, with both sides vying to use her power for their own gain. Then a witch hunter captures her boyfriend and several shamans snatch her aunt. For someone with limitless magic, Crystal should be easily able to rescue them but every time her emotions run amuck, her magic goes haywire.  If she can't learn to control herself, she'll never be able to save them or end the war. Instead, Crystal just might start the Apocalypse and doom the entire world.

[Cujo5]

I appreciate your thoughts, RPG123. I'm trying to use Elana Johnson's book on querying to help with my query so I mentioned her first two prayers so that when an agent firsts starts reading, the opening pages reflect the query. Crystal does pray about other more important things later on in the story.

Newest version:

God answers nearly all of fifteen-year-old Crystal's prayers. At least that's the way it seems since time slows down so she doesn't miss the bus and speeds up so she doesn't have to answer questions in class.

But after she discovers a note in a box hidden in her attic detailing how her now dead mother sought the help of witches to conceive her, Crystal’s faith becomes one giant question mark. She tracks down the witches and demands answers. Supposedly, Crystal is the human incarnation of magic—the only person whose magical potential is limitless. The witches also claim she's been answering her own prayers with her magic.

Crystal struggles with her faith in God, who she is, and what she is capable of while figuring out how to fly and mastering magical fire. The time for questions and learning is over when she is embroiled in a centuries-old war between witches and shamans, with both sides vying to use her power for their own gain. Wouldn't the witches capture above, or is this a different set of witches? Not sure why they would tell her this info if they want to use her for their own gain.Then a witch hunter Different then the above right?captures her boyfriend and several shamans snatch her aunt. For someone with limitless magic, Crystal should be easily able to rescue them but every time her emotions run amuck, her magic goes haywire. Love this quirk. If she can't learn to control herself, she'll never be able to save them or end the war. Instead, Crystal just might start the Apocalypse and doom the entire world.Great stakes.

[Kaiodem]

Newest version:

God answers nearly all of fifteen-year-old Crystal's prayers. At least that's the way it seems since time slows down so she doesn't miss the bus and speeds up so she doesn't have to answer questions in class.

But after she discovers a note in a box hidden in her attic detailing how her now dead mother sought the help of witches to conceive her, Crystal’s faith becomes one giant question mark. She tracks down the witches and demands answers. Supposedly, Crystal is the human incarnation of magic—the only person whose magical potential is limitless. The witches also claim she's been answering her own prayers with her magic. I like this tie in with the first paragraph.

Crystal struggles with her faith in God, who she is, and what she is capable of while figuring out how to fly and mastering magical fire. The time for questions and learning is over when she is embroiled in a centuries-old war between witches and shamans, with both sides vying to use her power for their own gain. Then a witch hunter captures her boyfriend, and several shamans snatch her aunt. For someone with limitless magic, Crystal should be easily able to rescue them but every time her emotions run amuck Is this even a word?, her magic goes haywire.  If she can't learn to control herself, she'll never be able to save them or end the war. Instead, Crystal just might start the Apocalypse and doom the entire world. Love the last line for some odd reason.

I really think the first sentence of the 3rd paragraph is throwing me off. It just seems so out of place. Maybe you could make it more simplistic and make it flow better by something like this: Crystal thought being a teenager was hard enough, but now her power has brought an unwanted centuries-old war into her hands between witches and shamans who want nothing more than to use her power for their own gain.

Of course it's only a suggestion, and you should mend it to your own writing style.
But I really like this query. I think you're almost there. ;) Good Luck.

[scarlett9284]

God answers nearly all of fifteen-year-old Crystal's prayers. At least that's the way it seems since time slows down so she doesn't miss the bus and speeds up so she doesn't have to answer questions in class.

But after she discovers a note in a box hidden in her attic detailing how her now dead mother sought the help of witches to conceive her, Crystal’s faith becomes one giant question mark. She tracks down the witches and demands answers. Supposedly, Crystal is the human incarnation of magic—the only person whose magical potential is limitless. The witches also claim she's been answering her own prayers with her magic.

Even before the whole witch-magic-religion mess, Crystal had no idea what she wanted to do with her life. She did know one thing; she never intended to be used as a pawn in a war. Witches and shamans have been fighting for centuries, and now, both sides want to use her power for their own gain. Then a witch hunter captures her boyfriend, and several shamans snatch her aunt. For someone with limitless magic, Crystal should be easily able to rescue them but every time her emotions run amuck, her magic goes haywire.  If she can't learn to control herself, she'll never be able to save them or end the war. Instead, Crystal just might start the Apocalypse and doom the entire world.