Query: Hope Wins

[tripmom]

I'd love to get your opinion about the following query:

Dear Agent:

Twenty-one weeks pregnant with triplets, Aline goes into labor.  Her doctor advises her to abort.  She refuses and instead chooses to try medication, which could irrevocably damage her babies’ hearts and end their lives before they begin.

In her thirties, Aline attains her carreer aspirations, but is unfulfilled without a husband and children.  With singleminded determination, she finds her lifemate.  On the eve of their wedding, she learns that he has significant fertility issues, which greatly diminishes their hopes of children.

After suffering a miscarriage in someone else’s house and three failed artificial inseminations, Aline’s first in vitro fertilization results in triplets.  Aline’s joy at the news of triplets turns into despair when she learns that her cevix is as wide as five strands of hair.  If her cervix collaspes under the pressure of triplets, then her water will break and her babies will not survive.
 
HOPE WINS, is a completed 94,000-word women’s fiction that shows hope is sometimes all you need to make dreams a reality.
This is my story-fictionalized.  But it's not just my story.  Every year, according to the CDC, over seven million women become Aline.  These women face Aline's fears, make choices and question everything.  This is Aline's story, but it's their story too.

Thank you very much for your time,
TripMom

[jfoster3]

The only thing that confused me was the timeline issues of the query. It starts at a certain time and then goes back. It made me stumble a bit, but then I figured it out. Maybe consider making it linear, that way when we learn what is at stake for the main character, it has a bigger impact.
Interesting story idea.

[tripmom]

Thanks.  That's great advice...not sure why I did it that way.

[Kaiodem]

  It also made me stumble and get confused when it went backwards, but other than that, I love the concept and the fact that it's actually your story plus others have these types of things happen to them too. That's what really caught my attention and an agent will surely love the concept.

You just need to make all the paragraphs flow a little better.