MG Fantasy Adventure

[scarlett9284]

Dear Agent:

When a dying witch gives ten-year-old Princess Cassandra a mystical treasure map, the princess steals a horse and sets off on an adventure. But the treasure hunt turns sour. The sorcerer who killed the witch now wants Cassandra.

The princess and her commoner friend hope the treasure will persuade the kingdom’s healers to fix his lame leg. As they travel through the Highland of Storms, a monstrous hailstorm seriously injuries him. The princess must face the mythological creatures of the Enchanted Jungle and search the Rainbow Mountains without her friend. It's up to Cassandra, her trusty stolen horse, and a baby griffin she meets along the way to find the treasure before the sorcerer kills her and her friend dies of his wounds.

THE PRINCESS'S TREASURE HUNT is a 30,000-word MG fantasy adventure novel with series potential.

[allegretta12]

Dear Agent:

When a dying witch gives ten-year-old Princess Cassandra a mystical how is it mystical? treasure map, the princess steals a horse and sets off on an adventure. But the treasure hunt turns sour. The sorcerer who killed the witch now wants Cassandra. Why?

The princess and her commoner friend name? hope the treasure will persuade the kingdom’s healers to fix his lame leg. I'd put this first, before the dying witch. "sets off on an adventure" is vague. We don't know why/where/what kind of adventure. Also, as princess can't she just order the healers to fix her friend's leg? As they travel through the Highland of Storms, a monstrous hailstorm seriously injuries him. The princess must face the mythological creatures of the Enchanted Jungle and search the Rainbow Mountains without her friend. It's up to Cassandra, her trusty stolen horse, and a baby griffin she meets along the way to find the treasure before the sorcerer kills her and her friend dies of his wounds.

THE PRINCESS'S TREASURE HUNT is a 30,000-word MG fantasy adventure novel with series potential.

It sounds like you've got a complex plot, which I like. It's just a little hard to follow (with the witch, sorcerer, and anonymous friend). I think naming Cassandra's friend and telling a little more about him/their friendship would help. The sorcerer is also very mysterious (does he/she want the treasure too?)
Good luck! I love MG fantasy and especially princesses who can take care of themselves

[Cujo5]

Dear Agent:

When a dying witch gives ten-year-old Princess Cassandra a mystical treasure map, the princess steals a horse and sets off on an adventure. But the treasure hunt turns sour. The sorcerer who killed the witch now wants Cassandra.Why?

The princess and her commoner friend Name would help us relate to him.hope the treasure will persuade the kingdom’s healers to fix his lame leg. She's the princess and she can't persuade them just because of that?As they travel through the Highland of Storms, a monstrous hailstorm seriously injuries him.Nice twist. The princess must face the mythological creatures of the Enchanted Jungle and search the Rainbow Mountains without her friend.If he has a lame leg, why did he join her on the journey? Wouldn't want to keep him safe? Maybe he insists on helping. Shows us his character a little bit. It's up to Cassandra, her trusty stolenI think at this point we don't need the stolen again. horse, and a baby griffinMaybe name it. she meets along the way to find the treasure before the sorcerer kills her and her friend dies of his wounds.Why does the sorcerer need to kill her? What does he want?

THE PRINCESS'S TREASURE HUNT is a 30,000-word MG fantasy adventure novel with series potential.

I like the premise, but think it needs a little bit of tightening while answering some of the questions.

[ChaseB]

Hi scarlett.

This does sound like a fun adventure story. I do think that your query could benefit from some specifics.

I agree with other users about revealing the commoner's name. He sounds like your second lead, so it's important. Also maybe mention what kind of mythological creatures she will be facing along the way. Those types of specifics could give us some detail about the fantasy world we're reading about.

I wonder if your query would also benefit from revealing more about the treasure. When I read that, I imagined a chest full of gold. Is that what it is? Will the king's healers only help the commoner in exchange for a lot of gold? If so, that's okay, and it really reveals a lot about the king's court. Or is it a magical artifact that the evil sorceror wants? Revealing more detail about it could also reveal more conflict (i.e. Healers won't help commoner without the magical artifact as payment, but Cassandra is the only one who can protect the artifact from the sorceror, so she can't give it away. Therefore, she must choose - give it to help the commoner as originally intended, or keep it to protect herself and the kingdom from the sorceror).

[scarlett9284]

Thanks for the helpful comments, allegretta12, Cujo5, and ChaseB! Here's what I came up with:

When a dying witch gives Princess Cassandra a mystical treasure map, the adventurous ten-year-old sets out to find it. Never mind an evil sorcerer also wants the map. And never mind that he killed the witch to try to get it. Okay, his coming after Cassandra is a little worrying...

Even so, Cassandra and Vance, her commoner friend, hope the treasure will persuade the kingdom's greedy healers to fix his lame leg. Vance insists on tagging along until a monstrous hailstorm seriously injures him. The princess must face the mythological creatures of the Enchanted Jungle -- a cranky old centaur; a vicious, two-horned yale; a hungry bear-dog; among others -- without her friend. It's up to Cassandra, her trusty horse, and a baby griffin she meets along the way to find the treasure before the sorcerer kills her and before her friend dies of his wounds.

To answer some of your questions, ChaseB, Cassandra doesn't know what the treasure is until she finds it so it's a little hard to include that in the query. I will say it's more than just gold. The healers want gold, the sorcerer wants the magical artifact. Nope, not gonna reveal what that is. ;)

[allegretta12]

Thanks for the helpful comments, allegretta12, Cujo5, and ChaseB! Here's what I came up with:

Some sentences seem really heavy on the adjectives. I know many of these are necessary, but maybe you could think about cutting some that aren't or restructuring things in some way.

When a dying witch gives Princess Cassandra a mystical treasure map, the adventurous ten-year-old sets out to find it. Never mind an evil sorcerer also wants the map. And never mind that he killed the witch to try to get it. Okay, his coming after Cassandra is a little worrying... In my opinion, you're spelling out the obvious here

Even so, Cassandra and Vance, her commoner friend, hope the treasure will persuade the kingdom's greedy healers to fix his lame leg. Vance insists on tagging along until a monstrous hailstorm seriously injures him. The princess must face the mythological creatures of the Enchanted Jungle -- a cranky old centaur; a vicious, two-horned yale; a hungry bear-dog; among others -- without her friend. It's up to Cassandra, her trusty horse, and a baby griffin she meets along the way to find the treasure before the sorcerer kills her and before her friend dies of his wounds.

To answer some of your questions, ChaseB, Cassandra doesn't know what the treasure is until she finds it so it's a little hard to include that in the query. I will say it's more than just gold. The healers want gold, the sorcerer wants the magical artifact. Nope, not gonna reveal what that is. ;) Maybe you could hint at this in the query (that she believes she's searching for gold, but really there's more to it than that.)
This version does make more sense. I think you're on the right track!   I hope you post your FF - I'd be interested in reading them 

[scarlett9284]

When a dying witch gives Princess Cassandra a treasure map, the adventurous ten-year-old sets out to find it even though a sorcerer has killed before to try to get the map and its treasure and won't hesitate to kill again.

Cassandra and Vance, her commoner friend, hope the treasure will persuade the kingdom's greedy healers to fix his lame leg. Vance insists on tagging along until a monstrous hailstorm seriously injures him. Now the princess has to bargain with a cranky centaur, dodge the horns of a yale, and outrun a hungry dog-bear without her friend. It's up to Cassandra, her trusty horse, and a baby griffin she meets along the way to find the treasure before the sorcerer kills her and before her friend dies of his wounds.

I plan on posting my FF either today or tomorrow, allegretta12!

[Raquel]

When a dying witch gives Princess Cassandra a treasure map, the adventurous ten-year-old sets out to find it the treasure even though a sorcerer has killed before to try to get the map and its treasure and won't hesitate to kill again. I think you could do a bit better with this last bit. Something like even though a sorcerer is after the map and willing to kill to get it.

Cassandra and Vance, her commoner friend, hope the treasure will persuade the kingdom's greedy healers to fix his lame leg. If she's the princess couldn't she get the healers to help, or at least get her father to get them to help? Vance insists on tagging along until a monstrous hailstorm seriously injures him. Now the princess has to bargain with a cranky centaur, dodge the horns of a yale, and outrun a hungry dog-bear without her friend. It's up to Cassandra, her trusty horse, and a baby griffin she meets along the way to find the treasure before the sorcerer kills her and before or her friend dies of his wounds.
This is interesting. You just need to clear up a few things.

[scarlett9284]

Thanks, Raquel!

When a dying witch gives Cassandra a treasure map, the adventurous princess sets out to find the treasure even though a sorcerer is willing to kill to get the map.

Cassandra and Vance hope the treasure will persuade the kingdom's healers to fix his lame leg. Since Cassandra is only ten years old, the healers won't heal her commoner friend without payment. Vance insists on tagging along until a monstrous hailstorm seriously injures him. Now the princess has to bargain with a cranky centaur, dodge the horns of a yale, and outrun a hungry dog-bear without her friend. It's up to Cassandra, her trusty "stolen" horse, and a baby griffin she meets along the way to find the treasure before the sorcerer kills her and before her friend dies of his wounds.

[scarlett9284]

Still tinkering. Would love more feedback!

When a dying witch gives Princess Cassandra a treasure map, the adventurous ten-year-old sets out to find the treasure. Never mind an evil sorcerer also wants the map. And never mind that he killed the witch to try to get it. Okay, his coming after Cassandra is a little worrying but that won't keep Cassandra from her quest to save her friend's life.

Her commoner friend Vance became lame on their last misadventure. The princess still feels responsible for his injury and can't forgive her parents for being unwilling to help. Well aware that her parents disapprove of her and Vance's friendship, Cassandra hopes the treasure will persuade the kingdom's greedy healers to heal him.

Vance insists on tagging along on the treasure hunt until a monstrous hailstorm seriously injures him. Now the princess has to bargain with a cranky centaur, dodge the horns of a yale, and outrun a hungry dog-bear without him. It's up to Cassandra, her trusty "stolen" horse, and a baby griffin she meets along the way to secure the treasure before the sorcerer kills her and before Vance dies of his wounds.

[Raquel]

Still tinkering. Would love more feedback!

When a dying witch gives Princess Cassandra a treasure map, the adventurous ten-year-old sets out to find the treasure. Never mind an evil sorcerer also wants the map. And never mind that he killed the witch to try to get it. Okay, his coming after Cassandra is a little worrying but that won't keep Cassandra from her quest to save her friend's life. Love the Voice

Her commoner friend Vance became lame on their last misadventure. The princess still feels responsible for his injury and can't forgive her parents for being unwilling to help. Well aware that her parents disapprove of her and Vance's friendship, Cassandra hopes the treasure will persuade the kingdom's greedy healers to heal help him. This is so much clearer now. Wonderful.

Vance insists on tagging along on the treasure hunt until a monstrous hailstorm seriously injures him. Poor Vance keeps getting hurt on these adventures. Now the princess has to bargain with a cranky centaur, dodge the horns of a yaleI'm just wondering what a yale is., and outrun a hungry dog-bear without him. It's up to Cassandra, her trusty "stolen" horse, and a baby griffin she meets along the way to secure the treasure before the sorcerer kills her and before Vance dies of his wounds.

This version is so much better. A few little things and I think you're there.

[Zooks]

Could've sworn I'd posted something on this yesterday.  I like the story.  Nice to have a brave young female protagonist.

When a dying witch gives Princess Cassandra a treasure map, the adventurous ten-year-old sets out to find the treasure despite the witch's warning that a sorcerer is willing to kill to get the map.

Princess Cassandra's friend, Vance, became lame on their last misadventure, and she feels responsible for his injury. She can't forgive her parents for being unwilling to help him. Well aware they disapprove of her and commoner Vance's friendship, Princess Cassandra hopes the treasure will persuade the kingdom's greedy healers to help him.

Vance insists on tagging along on the treasure hunt until a monstrous hailstorm seriously injures him. Now the princess has to bargain with a cranky centaur, dodge the horns of a yale, and outrun a hungry dog-bear without him. It's up to Cassandra, her trusty "stolen" horse, and a baby griffin she meets along the way to secure the treasure before the sorcerer kills her and before Vance dies of his wounds.

[scarlett9284]

Thanks, Zooks and Raquel, for your feedback!

I tried to have a stronger hook in this version and to incorporate more voice.

When a dying witch gives Princess Cassandra a treasure map, the adventurous ten-year-old sets out to find the treasure. Nothing -- not a hungry bear-dog or a furious dragon -- will keep Cassandra from her quest to help her friend.

Her best friend Vance became lame on their last misadventure and ever since, Cassandra has struggled to find a way to pay the healers. If only her parents would help! But that isn't likely, as they disapprove of her friendship with the commoner.

Vance insists on tagging along on the treasure hunt, and Cassandra reluctantly agrees, then wishes she'd left him behind when a monstrous hailstorm critically injures him. Now the princess has to bargain with a cranky centaur and dodge the horns of a yale without him. It's up to Cassandra, her trusty "stolen" horse, and a baby griffin she meets along the way to secure the treasure.

Strange creatures and fierce storms aren't her only obstacles, though. An evil sorcerer also seeks the treasure and will stop at nothing to get it. But the greatest challenge Cassandra faces is time. If she doesn't find the treasure soon, Vance may not survive their latest adventure.

[Cujo5]

Thanks, Zooks and Raquel, for your feedback!

I tried to have a stronger hook in this version and to incorporate more voice.

When a dying witch gives Princess Cassandra a treasure map, the adventurous ten-year-old sets out to find the treasure. Nothing -- not a hungry bear-dog or a furious dragon -- will keep Cassandra from her quest to help her friend.Love this hook.

Her best friend Vance became lame on their last misadventureLike the idea of a misadventure. and ever since, Cassandra has struggled to find a way to pay the healers. If only her parents would help! But that isn't likely, as they disapprove of her friendship with the commoner. Great backstory to setup the family conflict.

Vance insists on tagging along on the treasure hunt, and Cassandra reluctantly agrees, then wishes she'd left him behind when a monstrous hailstorm critically injures him. Now the princess has to bargain with a cranky centaur and dodge the horns of a yaleNot sure what a yale is? A bit more description would help. without him. It's up to Cassandra, her trusty "stolen" horse, and a baby griffin she meets along the way to secure the treasure.

Strange creatures and fierce storms aren't her only obstacles, though. An evil sorcerer also seeks the treasure and will stop at nothing to get it. But the greatest challenge Cassandra faces is time. If she doesn't find the treasure soon, Vance may not survive their latest adventure. Well done.

I like this version very much. Makes me want to read it.

[scarlett9284]

Still tweaking. In this version, I added another character that I had in the first query I wrote for this story. I think it's important to include Vance's sister.

Thoughts and comments greatly appreciated!

Princess Cassandra never wants for anything, unlike her commoner friends Kylie and Vance who have to slave on their family's farm when they aren't off exploring with the reckless ten-year-old. But their adventuring days may be numbered when a large rock crushes Vance's leg during the trio's latest misadventure.

Cassandra figures the royal healers can help him. If only her parents didn't pick now to teach her a lesson about shirking her royal duties to run off with her friends! As she searches for a way to pay the healers, she stumbles upon a dying witch with a treasure map. Cassandra steals a horse (although is it really stealing when she plans on returning it?) and the trio and their mounts set off on a treasure hunt.

After a monstrous hailstorm life-threateningly injures Vance, Cassandra sends him home with his sister. Forced to bargain with a cranky centaur and outrun a hungry bear dog without them, Cassandra continues their quest with the help of her "stolen" horse and a baby griffin she meets along the way. But she isn't the only one on the hunt. An evil sorcerer also seeks the treasure and will stop at nothing to get it. Cassandra must make a choice between returning to the safety of her castle and risking her life to save her friend's.