New query for Hidden In Plain Sight

[starbaby017]

Many thanks to everyone who has stuck by me to get this right.     Hopefully, I'm nearing the finish line.
This query is my backup in case my #1 choice doesn't return the love.  I still want it perfect so please... hack away.  If something doesn't make sense - tell me.  If my punctuation is off - please tell me!  Any other thing you hate or love - hit me with it. 
Thank you and karma to all who help.

Dear Wonderful Agent;

Sixteen-year-old Maddy Page is addicted to her dreams.  Her guide, the Dream Girl, controls everything and shows her a world she's unable to grasp in her waking day - she's popular, loved and safe.  Her reality consists of too much attention triggers panic attacks, her birth parents abandoned her and her adopted parents neglect her.  She thought her luck couldn't get any worse - then Maddy met Justin and MJ.

The night she met Justin, he tried to rape her at a party.  Two weeks later, he waltz's into her school like nothing happened.  Like a horrible case of Déjà vu - all of her friends flock to him and do whatever he tells them to… exactly like everyone did at the party.  Everyone, but her.

When she meets MJ her struggles with Justin seem to fall away.  MJ tempers every interaction with respectful distance, yet Maddy feels a connection to him and opens up as if they have known each other for years instead of hours.  At the end of the night, while gazing into his eyes - he erases her memory before disappearing, or so he thinks.

Immune to Justin’s charms and memory still intact from MJ, Maddy decides to overcome her fears and seek the truth behind the mysteries plaguing her life.  The deeper she digs, the more cataclysmic her dreams become and she begins to see images of violence, fear and death.  If she’s unable to uncover why she’s immune to the boys before they do, her next deathly dream maybe her own. 


Thanks again everyone!   
 

[RPG123]

I'll give it a go...

Sixteen-year-old Maddy Page is addicted to her dreams.  Her guide, the Dream Girl, controls everything and shows her a world she's unable to grasp in her waking day - she's popular, loved and safe.  Her reality consists of too much attention triggereds panic attacks, her birth parents who abandoned her and her adoptiveed parents that neglect her.  She thought thinksher luck couldn't can'tget any worse - then Maddy met meetsJustin and MJ. There are some tense issues.  The query should be in present.

The night she meets Justin, he triesd to rape her at a party.  Two weeks later, he waltz's into her school like nothing happened.  Like a horrible case of Déjà vu - all of her friends flock to him and do whatever he tells them to… exactly like everyone did at the party.  Everyone, but her.

When she meets MJ her struggles Obviously, she's stressed about the attempted rape, but what is her struggle with him?  Is he still messing with her?  Is it that others don't see how sucks? with Justin seem to fall away.  MJ tempers every interaction with respectful distance, yet Maddy feels a connection to him and opens up as if they have known each other for years instead of hours.  At the end of the night, while gazing into his eyes - he erases her memory before disappearing, or so he thinks.

Immune to Justin’s charms and memory still intact from MJ, Maddy decides to overcome her fears and seek the truth behind the mysteries plaguing her life.  Hmmm.  What mysteries?  The dreams?  When you say "immune" it makes me wonder what's up with the boys.  Are they using supernatural powers on everyone?  You're not talking about immunity to charms, I suppose.  You may need to be more specific about what's up with them.  Not just what they do, but a clue as to their reason for targeting Maddy.  Also, what precipitates her need to investigate things?  Is it just that everyone's reaction to the boys is different than hers?  If so, you need to make that idea have more impact somehow.The deeper she digs, the more cataclysmic her dreams become and she begins to see images of violence, fear and death.  If she’s unable to uncover why she’s immune to the boys before they do, her next deathly dream maybe her own.  Oh, does she dream about people's death before they happen?  If so, I need to know this sooner. That's a hook.

Overall, I think you need more specificity.

[starbaby017]

Thanks for your help RPG123!
I will see what I can do to answer your questions and I will post it soon.

[Cujo5]

I have to agree, I don't get a sense of the conflict. I get the two boys, but am not sure what the threat is? Death? Torture? What is her goal, to be accepted? Liked? I'm just not getting a sense of the details of the story. I also am not grasping what makes the boys special? I like the contrast between her dreams and reality thought, I think that is a good hook.

[starbaby017]

Okay.  Hopefully I've answered your questions, but if not please let me know.  Every little thing you help me fix brings me one step closer to sending this bad boy out!

Dear Agent;

Sixteen-year-old Maddy Page is addicted to her dreams.  Her guide, the Dream Girl, weaves a world Maddy hides from in her waking day--a world where she's popular, loved and safe.  Her reality is panic attacks from too much attention, abandonment issues and adoptive parents who neglect her.  When she thinks her luck can't get any worse Maddy meets Justin.

She narrowly escapes Justin and rape at a party.  Two weeks later, he waltz's into her school like nothing happened.  He charms her friends who dish all of her secrets at his request.  When she rebuffs his advances, her friends turn on her.  Maddy realizes Justin is no ordinary scum of the earth.  He manipulates minds for his own desires.  More than a stalker, Justin is obsessed with how she rebuffed him and he threatens her life, her family and small circle of friends, all she holds dear, if she doesn’t tell him how she can refuse him.

Unsure of the answer herself, Maddy seeks the truth behind Justin’s abilities, her dreams and herself.   But the deeper she digs, the more cataclysmic her once romantic dreams become.  Now haunted with images of violence, fear and death in the night, Maddy battles fears she doesn't understand to uncover why Justin is drawn to her, how she rebuffs him and more importantly, how to stop him before the death she sees in her dreams strikes.

HIDDEN IN PLAIN SIGHT is a YA Paranormal complete at 85,000 words.

Again, thank you everyone!   

[Cujo5]

Okay.  Hopefully I've answered your questions, but if not please let me know.  Every little thing you help me fix brings me one step closer to sending this bad boy out!

Dear Agent;

Sixteen-year-old Maddy Page is addicted to her dreams.  Her guide, the Dream Girl, weaves a world Maddy hides from in her waking day--a world where she's popular, loved and safe.  Her reality is panic attacks from too much attentionThis seem in contrast to the other issues, too much attention, but there is neglect., abandonment issues and adoptive parents who neglect her.  When she thinks her luck can't get any worse Maddy meets Justin.

She narrowly escapes Justin and rape at a party. Right here it sounds like Justin isn't the one raping her. Two weeks later, he waltz's into her school like nothing happened.  He charms her friends who dish all of her secrets at his request.  When she rebuffs his advances, her friends turn on her. Better at showing us the conflict. Maddy realizes Justin is no ordinary scum of the earth.  He manipulates minds for his own desires.I like this, shows us the threat.  More than a stalker, Justin is obsessed with how she rebuffed him and he threatens her life, her family and small circle of friendsI thought her friends turned on her., all she holds dear, if she doesn’t tell him how she can refuse him.Nice, but what happens if she doesn't, do her friends and family die?

Unsure of the answer herself, Maddy seeks the truth behind Justin’s abilities, her dreams and herself.   But the deeper she digs, the more cataclysmic her once romantic dreams become.  Now haunted with images of violence, fear and death in the night, Maddy battles fears she doesn't understand to uncover why Justin is drawn to her, how she rebuffs him and more importantly, how to stop him before the death she sees in her dreams strikes.Very good.

HIDDEN IN PLAIN SIGHT is a YA Paranormal complete at 85,000 words.

Again, thank you everyone!   

What ever happened to MJ in this version?

[RPG123]

First, I like the fact that you cut the other guy out.  If you can make the conflict compelling without him, I think it makes things less confusing.  That's just my opinion of course.

The first paragraph is confusing to me.  You say she's hiding from the world she dreams about.  So is she popular in real life or no?  Are you saying she's popular in real life and it's too much pressure, but in her dreams she can handle it?  Why would she hide from a world where she's loved and safe?

I suggest moving the last line of the first sentence to the second paragraph and saying something like "When she thinks her luck can't get any worse she meets an interesting guy named Justin at a party an he tries to rape her."  (That was just for example's sake, of course.  It's not written very well.) 

Lastly, I am confused about how the dreams and Justin are related.  Why does her ability to ignore Justin make her research her dreams.  I'm sure there's a good reason.  It's just not connecting to me.

[starbaby017]

@Cojo – Thanks again for all your comments!  I will try and fix the areas you noticed issues.  I sacrificed MJ so I could make this thing as clear as possible where staying close to the 250 word limits.
@ RPG123 – Sorry for the confusion in the first paragraph and with the dreams.  Her real world is the one that sucks.  Because of her anxiety, she can’t do anything in school that would make people pay attention to her ei – sports, music, even excellent grades, even though she’s more than capable of excelling in all of those categories.  She doesn’t feel loved because her birth parents abandoned her and she is afraid that any person in her life – adoptive family or friends - will leave her if they find out about her dreams.  The dreams allow her to escape that.  In her dreams she is someone else entirely who is popular, belongs to a wealthy family and falling madly in love a guy named Damien.  Up until she meets Justin, the dreams were wonderful.  Once she realizes there is something up with him, the dreams change and she starts to suspect that Damien (the guy from her dreams) is something evil too, something like Justin.  But- that is a sub plot.  There is a deeper meaning to the dreams but, that’s my secret.  Maddy won’t find that out until book 4 or 5.  Yup… this is a BIG series.
Anywho, hope my answers didn’t confuse you more…
I will try and make things more clear in the next go round.
Kudos to you both!

[starbaby017]

OH SNAP!  Cujo5 - Sorry for misspelling your name.     Bad bad bad bad.  That is a very BIG pet peeve of mine and here I just did it to you.   Please forgive me 

[starbaby017]

Here is another crack at it.

Sixteen-year-old Maddy Page is addicted to her dreams.  Her guide, the Dream Girl, weaves a world that doesn’t exist in Maddy’s waking day--a world where she's popular, loved and safe.  Her reality is panic attacks when receiving too much attention, adoptive parents who travel every weekend without her and abandonment issues. 

During one of her parental-free weekends, she attends a party and what little luck she has, runs out.  She catches the eye of the host, Justin, and he attempts to rape her.  She escapes, barely.  Two weeks later, he waltz's into her school like nothing happened.  He charms her friends and they dish all of her secrets at his request.  When she rebuffs his advances, her friends turn on her.  Maddy realizes Justin is no ordinary scum of the earth.  He manipulates minds for his own desires.  More than a stalker, Justin is obsessed with how she rebuffed him and he threatens to continue messing with her small circle of friends and even her family’s minds if she doesn’t tell him how she can refuse him.

Unsure of the answer herself, Maddy seeks the truth behind Justin’s abilities, her dreams and herself.   But the deeper she digs, the more cataclysmic her once romantic dreams become.  Now haunted with images of violence, fear and death in the night, Maddy battles fears she doesn't understand to uncover why Justin is drawn to her, how she rebuffs him and more importantly, how to stop him before the death she sees in her dreams strikes.

If this raises new questions... please let me know!
Thanks!!!

[LateToTheParty]

Here is another crack at it.

Sixteen-year-old Maddy Page is addicted to her dreams.  Her guide, the Dream Girl, weaves a world that doesn’t exist in Maddy’s waking day--a world where she's popular, loved and safe.  Her reality is panic attacks when receiving from too much attention, adoptive parents who travel every weekend without her extensively and abandonment issues. 

During one of her parental-free weekends, she attendsIn a rare social moment, at a party and what little luck she has, runs out.  She catches the eye of the host, Justin, and he attempts to rape her.  She narrowly escapes, barely his agressive advance.  Two weeks later, he waltz's into her school like nothing happened.  He charms her friends and they dish all of her secrets at his request.  When she rebuffs his advances, her friends turn on her.  Maddy realizes Justin is no ordinary scum of the earth.  He manipulates minds for his own desires.  More than a stalker, Justin is obsessed with how she rebuffed him and he threatens to continue messing with her small circle of friends and even her family’s minds if she doesn’t tell him confess how she's able to can refuse him.

Unsure of the answer herself, Maddy seeks the truth behind Justin’s abilities, her dreams and herself.   But the deeper she digs, the more cataclysmic her once romantic dreams become (Nicely revised.).  Now haunted with images of violence, fear and death in the night, Maddy battles fears she doesn't understand to uncover why Justin is drawn to her, how she rebuffs him and more importantly, how to stop him before the death that haunts her dreams claims her waking life she sees in her dreams strikes .

If this raises new questions... please let me know!
Thanks!!!

SB017, you're getting closer to send this out. 

[scarlett9284]

This sounds really intriguing!

Sixteen-year-old Maddy Page is addicted to her dreams. Interesting Her guide, the Dream Girl, weaves a world that doesn’t exist in Maddy’s waking day--a world where she's popular, loved and safe.  Her reality is panic attacks when receiving too much attention, adoptive parents who travel every weekend without her commaand abandonment issues.

During one of her parental-free weekends, she attends a party and what little luck she has, runs out.  She catches the eye of the host, Justinperiod, and he Heattempts to rape her, but she barely manages to escape.  She escapes, barely.  Two weeks later, he waltz's into her school like nothing happened.  He charms her friends and they dish all of her secrets at his request.  When she rebuffs his advances, her friends turn on her.  Maddy realizes Justin is no ordinary scum of the earth.  He manipulates minds for his own desires.  More than a stalker, Justin is obsessed with how she rebuffed him and he threatens to continue messing with her small circle of friends and even her family’s minds if she doesn’t tell him how she can refuse him.

Unsure of the answer herself, Maddy seeks the truth behind Justin’s abilities, her dreamscomma and herself.   But the deeper she digs, the more cataclysmic her once romantic dreams become.  Now haunted with images of violence, fear and death in the night, Maddy battles fears she doesn't understand to uncover why Justin is drawn to her, how she rebuffs him and more importantly, how to stop him before the death she sees in her dreams strikes.Nice stakes!

[starbaby017]

Thanks Scarlett!  Punctuation is my Achilles heel.  I'm working on it.
Late, you're amazing as always.  Thank you sir.
Karma to you both!