YA Fantasy: Daemerkin

[Raquel]

okay after a year of rewriting this book I submitted a 35 word pitch to a contest and won. Now an agent has requested a full query and a partial.
Only problem is I don't have a query I'm comfortable sending. I've written a thousand of them but ended up discarding all of them. This is the first time I've attempted writing from this POV. Let me know what you think.


Ever since Mom died, Tiani’s struggled to find her place among the villagers. Her best friend, Ehlrin, spent most of the last year helping her through it. So when he takes a dare to head for Demon’s Point, there’s no question - she’s going with him, even if that means facing down a demon.


She didn’t expect the demon to be trapped inside a sixteen-year-old boy named Zade, or that Zade would save her life from monster wolves.

When Zade loses control and his demon takes over his body, Tiani finds herself caught between the villagers and her new friend. She might be able to save him, renewing an age old vow that makes the demon inside him protect humans, but failure means certain death for her as well as everyone in the village. With the elite fighters searching for the demon haunting their lands it would be easy to turn Zade over, sending him to his death. Even if she did succeed with the vow the villagers would see letting the demon live as betrayal, and Ehlrin would never understand. They’d cast her out. Forever - if the demon doesn’t kill her first.

[Tallisk]

Why does Demon's Point mean facing down a demon? I initially assumed it was just the name of a spooky place, but in the next line there are actual demons without any indication as to why they're there - or why Tiani would be going after one. I feel like you need a little more leadup to this.

Does Ehlrin need to be mentioned in the query? He seems important from the first paragraph, but then isn't mentioned again until the end. He's almost a distraction from the main story thread rather than an important contributor to it.

You describe what Tiani might be able to do without actually describing what she has to do. I feel like you need another line at the end to sum up what she needs to do to solve the dilemma, or what her exact options are. If she succeeds with the vow, she'll be cast out, but if she doesn't, they'll all die. So either way, from the way you've written this, she loses. What can she do to actually succeed without losing? You've described the stakes, but not the solution. At the moment, it sounds like an utterly helpless situation, so I think you need to give an indication that there's a way out for your protagonist. Assuming there is one...!

[Raquel]

Here's the newest version. I've been tinkering with wording all night.

Ever since Mom died, Tiani’s struggled to find her place among the villagers. Her best friend spent most of the last year helping her through it. So when he takes a dare to head for Demon’s Point, there’s no question - she’s going with him, even if that means facing down a demon.

She didn’t expect the demon to be trapped inside a sixteen-year-old boy named Zade, or that Zade would save her life from monster wolves.

When Zade loses control and the demon takes over his body, Tiani finds herself caught between the villagers and her new friend. She might be able to save him, renewing an age old vow that makes the demon inside him protect humans, but failure means certain death for her as well as everyone in the village.

Even if she does succeed and creates the bond that would keep the demon from destroying everyone, there’s no guarantee it would bring Zade back and letting the demon live goes against everything she’s ever been taught, an act of betrayal the villagers would never forgive. She’d be cast out… forever – if the demon doesn’t kill her first.

[jen_alexander]

Here's the newest version. I've been tinkering with wording all night.

Ever since Mom her mother died, (Can you put her age here?) Tiani’s struggled to find her place among the villagers. Her best friend spent most of the last year helping her through it. So when he takes a dare to head for Demon’s Point, there’s no question - she’s going with him, even if that means facing down a demon. (<<--- If I were you, I'd start with this sentence.)

Ex) When sixteen-year-old Tiani's best friend takes a dare to head to Demon's Point, she decides to go with him, even if that means facing down a demon--she doesn't expect the demon to be trapped inside a boy named Zade. Or for Zade to save her from monster wolves.

She didn’t expect the demon to be trapped inside a sixteen-year-old boy named Zade, or that Zade would save her life from monster wolves.

When Zade loses control and the demon takes over his body, Tiani finds herself caught between the villagers (right here is where I'd suggest putting something about her mother's death and how she's an outsider) and her new friend. She might be able to save him, renewing an age old vow that makes the demon inside him protect humans (Very Cool!), but failure means certain death for her as well as everyone in the village (I'd move this toward the end of the query).

Even if she does succeed and creates the bond that would keep the demon from destroying everyone, there’s no guarantee it would bring Zade back, and letting the demon live goes against everything she’s ever been taught, an act of betrayal the villagers would never forgive. She’d be cast out… forever – if the demon doesn’t kill her first.

This sounds like a really cool premise! My biggest question is what happened to her bff? He's at the beginning of the query, and she meets the demon to save him, but he's not mentioned anymore. I'm curious if he's angry about her affiliation with the demon, etc. you still have a little room with wordage. That's just my opinion, though. Hope this helps!

[scarlett9284]

Ever since Mom her momdied, add her ageTiani’s struggled to find her place among the villagers. Her best friend, Ehlrin, spent most of the last year helping her through it. Soso when he takes a dare to head for Demon’s Point, there’s no question - she’s going with him, even if that means facing down a demon. I think you need a stronger hook. I'm not sure you need to mention the mom at all. Maybe something like - X-year-old Tiani's struggle to find her place among the villagers leads her and her best friend Ehlrin to accept a dare to head for Demon's Point even though it might mean facing down a demon.

She didn’t expect the demon to be trapped inside a sixteen-year-old boy named Zade, or that Zade would save her life from monster wolves.

When Zade loses control and his demon takes over his body, Tiani finds herself caught between the villagers and her new friend. She might be able to save him, renewing an age-old vow that makes the demon inside him protect humans, but failure means certain death for her as well as everyone in the villageand the villagers. With the elite fighters searching for the demon haunting their landsthe beginning part of this sentence is awkward it would be easy to turn Zade over, sending him to his death. Even if she did succeed with the vow the villagers would see letting the demon live as betrayal, and Ehlrin would never understand. It's good that Ehlrin is mentioned again, but there needs to be something more than just that he would never understand. Will he turn his back on her? What is at stake for her?They’d cast her out. Forever - if the demon doesn’t kill her first.

[Raquel]

Here's the newest version. Thanks for all the help

When 14-year-old Tiani’s best friend takes a dare to stay out all night at Demon’s Point there’s no question – she’s going with him, even if that means facing down a demon. After all, since Mom died he’s been her only support and she’s not about to let him face this alone.
But when she’s attacked by a pack of monster wolves she isn’t saved by her friend but by Zade, a sixteen-year-old boy with a fire demon trapped inside him. Everything she’s ever been taught gets tossed into the air as Zade teaches her how to survive the treacherous passes. He’s nothing like a real demon… at least not the one she expected.
When the monster wolves attack the village Zade steps in to save her again, but in the process is bitten and the demon within takes over, destroying the wolves before turning on the village. The demon isn’t about to give Zade back his body, and the villagers are determined to see him dead.
She might be able to subdue the demon and save both Zade and her village, but there is no guarantee of success and the price of failure is too enormous to contemplate – risk the lives of her family and friends or take the safe road dooming Zade to certain death.

[scarlett9284]

When 14fourteen-year-old Tiani’s best friend takes a dare to stay out all night at Demon’s Pointcomma there’s no question – she’s going with him, even if that means facing down a demon. After all, since Mom her momdied he’s been her only support and she’s not about to let him face this alone.

But when she’s attacked by a pack of monster wolvescomma she isn’t saved by her friend but by Zade, a sixteen-year-old boy with a fire demon trapped inside him. Everything she’s ever been taught this is too vague - what has she been taught that's being tossed aside now?gets tossed into the air as Zade teaches her how to survive the treacherous passes. He’s nothing like a real demon… at least not the one she expected.

When the monster wolves attack the villagecomma Zade steps in to save her again, but in the process is bitten and the demon within takes over, destroying the wolves before turning on the village. The demon isn’t about to give Zade back his body, and the villagers are determined to see him dead.

She Tianimight be able to subdue the demon and save both Zade and her village, but there is no guarantee of success and the price of failure is too enormous to contemplate – risk the lives of her family and friends or take the safe road dooming doomZade to certain death.


I'm not sure you need the first paragraph. You could start with When fourteen-year-old Tiani is attacked by a pack of monster wolves, she's saved by Zade, a sixteen-year-old boy with a fire demon trapped inside him. He’s nothing like a real demon… at least not the one she expected. (Add a sentence about what she had been taught about demons)

This is a much stronger hook than a best friend and a dead mom, both of which aren't really mentioned again, which makes them seem not important.

[Raquel]

Thanks for the critique scarlett. Here's the newest version. I'm wondering if the end is strong enough.


Being eaten by monster wolves was not on fourteen-year-old Tiani’s list of things to do. The only reason she even went into the forest was because her best friend’s determination to take a stupid dare. After all he’s done for her there was no way she could let him face demons alone.

Apparently he doesn’t feel the same way.

Instead of her friend coming to help, Zade, a sixteen-year-old boy with a fire demon trapped inside him, chases the wolves away. He’s nothing like a real demon… at least not any demon she’s ever heard about. They aren’t supposed to be nice, and they certainly aren’t supposed to teach people how to protect themselves.

But when Zade is injured in an attack, the demon inside takes over and goes on a rampage, incinerating everything in its path. The demon isn’t about to give Zade back his body, and the villagers are determined to see him dead.

Tiani might be able to stop the demon, locking it away once more, and save both Zade and her village, but there is no guarantee of success and the price of failure… well, if she’s lucky maybe the demon will make her end quick.

[Tallisk]

Being eaten by monster wolves was not on fourteen-year-old Tiani’s list of things to do. The only reason she even went into the forest was because of her best friend’s determination to take a stupid dare. After all he’s he'd? (Not sure if this reads right, but I think you have too much tense mixing going on)done for her there was no way she could let him face demons alone. Or maybe rewrite the whole sentence (or even paragraph?) in present tense instead: After all he's done for her, there's no way she can let him face demons alone.

Apparently he doesn’t feel the same way.

Instead of her friend coming to help, Zade, a sixteen-year-old boy with a fire demon trapped inside him, chases the wolves away. He’s nothing like a real demon… at least not any demon she’s ever heard about. They aren’t supposed to be nice, and they certainly aren’t supposed to teach people how to protect themselves.

But when Zade is injured in an attack, the demon inside takes over and goes on a rampage, incinerating everything in its path. The demon isn’t about to give Zade back his body, and the villagers are determined to see him dead.

Tiani might be able to stop the demon, locking it away once more, and save both Zade and her village, but there is no guarantee of success and the price of failure… well, if she’s lucky maybe the demon will make her end quick.

I really like this version. Personally, I think the end is much more succinct than the previous drafts, and seems punchier. The whole thing seems clearer and more focused now.

[Raquel]

Thanks Tallisk. I'm taking your suggestion on that sentence. 

[starbaby017]

I really like your premise.   
I tried to help where I could but, obviously you know your story wayyyyy better than the little blip I read on here.  So if none of this works for you, toss it. 
Here's what came to my mind when I read this.

Being eaten by monster wolves at Demons Point was not on fourteen-year-old Tiani’s list of things to do. But her best friend stupidly agreed to a dare to spend the night there and she’s not about to let him go alone, even if it means running into a demon.  After everything he’s done to help her through her mother’s death, it’s the least she could do.   

Apparently, his loyalty isn’t as deep.  Instead of helping her fight off the wolves, he flees.  Right before she becomes wolf chow Zade, a sixteen-year-old boy with a fire demon trapped inside him, comes to her rescue and chases the wolves away. He’s nothing like a real demon… at least not any demon she’s ever heard about. They aren’t supposed to be nice, and they certainly aren’t supposed to teach people how to protect themselves.

But when Zade is injured helping her save her village from another wolf attack, the demon inside takes over and goes on a rampage, incinerating everything in his path. The demon isn’t about to give Zade back his body, and the villagers want him dead.

Tiani might be able to stop the demon and save both Zade and her village.  If she succeeds, the demon will be locked away forever.  If she fails, Zade will be lost forever and the demon will turn her village into ash and obliterate her.
Like I said, just what came to mind.
Good luck!  I look forward to your next one!

[Zooks]

I like your latest version, Raquel.    :clap:Sounds like a cool story.  I like the voice.    :up:Good luck with this.

[Falen]

This version is a lot stronger. Here as some tightening suggestions

Being eaten by monster wolves was is not on fourteen-year-old Tiani’s list of things   to-do list. The only reason she even went travels into the forest was is because her best friend’s determination to take of a stupid dare issued to her best friend. After all he’s done for her there was is no way she could can let him face demons alone.

Apparently he doesn’t feel the same way.

Instead of her friend coming to help to her rescue, Zade, a sixteen-year-old boy with a fire demon trapped inside him possessed by a slumbering fire demon, chases the wolves away. He’s Zade's nothing like a real demon… at least not any demon she’s Tiani's ever heard about of. They Demons aren’t supposed to be nice, and they certainly aren’t supposed to don't teach people how to protect themselves.

But when Zade is injured in an attack, the demon inside takes over control and goes on a rampage, incinerating incinerates everything in its path. The demon isn’t about to give return Zade's back his body, and the villagers are determined to see him dead.

Tiani might be able to can stop the demon, locking it away once more, and save both Zade and her village, but there is no guarantee of success. And the price of failure… well, if she’s lucky maybe the demon will make her end quick.

I may prefer the other ending, with the more straighforward consequences, but that's just me.

[jen_alexander]

The new query sounds great, Racquel! 

[Raquel]

First Thank You Falen, starbaby, and Tallisk for the hints on how to make this even better.
And thank you Zooks and Jen for the encouragement. You are all so wonderful!!!

Here's my next one.



Being eaten by monster wolves was not on fourteen-year-old Tiani’s to-do list. But her best friend stupidly agreed to spend the night in the forest and she’s not about to let him go alone, even if it means facing down a demon. After everything he’s done to help her through her mother’s death, it’s the least she can do.

Apparently, his loyalty isn’t as deep.

Instead of helping her fight off demonic wolves, he runs. Before the wolves can tear her apart they are chased away by Zade, a sixteen-year-old boy possessed by a slumbering fire demon. Zade’s nothing like a real demon… at least not any demon she’s ever heard about. Demons aren’t nice, and they certainly don’t teach people how to protect themselves.

But when Zade is injured helping her save her village from another wolf attack, the fire demon takes control, incinerating everything in its path. This is much more the demon she expected and he isn’t about to give Zade’s body back. Huddled in fear the villagers agree on one thing – Zade has to die before he kills them all, but finding him is another matter and Tiani’s the only one who knows where he is.

To kill Zade they need her help, but there’s a slim chance Tiani could stop the demon, locking it away once more, and save both Zade and her village. Success is unlikely and the price of failure… well, it’s not just her life she’s gambling with.