First Five Pages of THE DEATH OF ME (YA Paranormal Adventure)

[MrsMcDowell]

Tell me what you think!

          Dead.
          I was pretty much dead. I mean, that’s what people think when high school’s almost over, right? We were all so fed up with the torturous ridicule and social ruin. Well, at least I was. I can’t speak for the overly popular crowd. But, At last I was a senior. It was virtually over and I would finally fit in with the other adults. See, I was always told I had an “old soul”. I was always more mature than my peers, so I was excited that I could get a job, find a boyfriend, and start doing what I loved full time. Of course, if I ever made it to graduation, life would have been perfect. Instead, I decided getting a ride home from one of the most popular girls in school was worth more than my life, even though I knew she was high. Instead, I died when I was seventeen.
   I was a pretty normal teenager. I wasn’t super popular and didn’t have a lot of ‘hang out’ friends. But everyone knew me – no thanks to my unfortunate, “porn star inspired” last name. And no one hated me. Sure, I was teased a little; a few rumors were spread about me, but nothing serious enough to damage me for life.
   During the freshman and sophomore phases of the ‘best years of my life’, I only had one best friend. Her name was Shea. I know; weird, right? When I was a freshman, I got stuck in choir when I wanted to be in drama. I remember griping to my mom the first and second days of high school, telling her she HAD TO GET ME OUT OF IT! But, by the end of the first week of my puny existence, I met Shea. She was nice and befriended me right away. Not because I was ‘fresh meat’, but because she remembered what it was like to be a Stranger in a Strange Land (pardon the pun). Shea was pretty, popular with boys, and totally wacky. She and I spent a lot of time together, but she was two grades above me.
   When I was a sophomore, Shea went through some tough times and ended up missing a lot of school. She and I had a falling out over – can you guess? – a guy. But it wasn’t because we were both fighting over this guy (yeah, right); it was because I didn’t think this guy was right for her, and she wanted to marry him. Turns out, he was cheating on her with two other girls. When he dumped her, she had a nervous breakdown and disappeared. After coming back to school looking thin and happy, she started flirting, and I started hurting. I was pretty pissed off when she dumped me as a best friend and fawned over another girl in class. Now that I look back on it, the other girl had some rough times, too, so I guess they had more in common than Shea and I did. Something in me wondered if Shea had had an affair with our teacher – seeing as he unexpectedly quit at the end of my junior year due to a ‘divorce’ with his wife – but I never questioned it or her. It just wasn’t any of my business.
   Once Shea graduated, we didn’t talk much. She dropped by my parent’s house a few times; sporting new boyfriends and making me wish I was out of that small town. But we just fell out of contact. Toward the end of my sophomore year, I started hanging out with a very old acquaintance. Originally, Sherry hated me when we were in eighth grade. Why? I don’t even remember anymore. But after seeing her instant message avatar was a Japanese animation character I liked, we started talking again and soon became best friends.
   The summer between sophomore and junior year, I got my first boyfriend. Now, this isn’t counting my kindergarten crush, Trevor – who liked trains, by the way (Trevor and I were going to get married before he ignored me at that daycare picnic when we were seven). Jim was my first ‘proper’ boyfriend. He asked me out and everything. I was so excited, I couldn’t breathe. The conversation went something like this:
   Jim: “I’m bored.”
   Me: “Yeah, my mom’s coming to pick us up. She’ll be here.”
   Jim: “I know something that’ll make this more exciting.”
   Me: “What?”
   Jim: “Will you go out with me?”
   Me: (and right about here, my shrug was so nonchalant, I should have patted myself on the back) “Okay.”
   Jim: “Really?”
   Me: (another shrug) “Yeah.”
   Hey, Jim, how lame were we? I mean, we went out for two months, I didn’t even get my first kiss, and then you dumped me for your ex. I wasn’t even upset when he called and said we should have just been friends. I just said whatever and moved on. Besides, I had Sherry to keep me company. She and I had become fast friends. So fast, in fact, that some idiots at our school asked us if we were lesbians. Let me just take this moment to explain something: Sherry and I had something in common we couldn’t share with anyone else. We liked Japanese animation. Some people call it cartoons, others call it art. The bottom line is, at Dublin High School, if you liked Anime, you were not cool and no one that was cool would want to talk to you. So, Sherry and I hung out together every day because we had no one else to hang out with.
   Junior year went by pretty fast. I got decent grades and managed to steer my choir career in the right direction. I took PE during summer so I could keep my electives open and take choir all four years of high school. Everyone lucky enough to hear me squeak out a few notes of my favorite songs in the car told me I had a great voice, so I kept hiding in the back corner of those risers, blending in with the other choir geeks. But I never worked up enough courage to go for that all-elusive solo until I was sixteen.
   I had managed to convince Sherry to join choir with me when we were juniors. She was tone deaf (sorry, Sherry, but it’s true and you know it), but she agreed so I would have someone in the class I knew. Toward the end of the year, I got it together and auditioned (in front of the whole class, might I add) for the lead on a song called The Boy from New York City. Something told me I was barking up the wrong tree, but after years of my parents trying to push me into anything artistic, I did it anyway. When the day came for the teacher to announce who’d be getting the part, I held my breath. My heart was beating so hard I was afraid the whole room could hear it. My palms were sweaty and my throat was dry. Not only was I instructed to sing the beginning of the song, but I was given the entire ending solo, too! I was so excited, I called my parents right after class and squealed the news to them through barely audible syllables.
   Needless to say, I was on cloud nine. The pretty girls in class were being nice and smiling at me. They congratulated me and said I had a great voice. I decided not to try out for the solos on the other song we’d be performing at the winter concert because I didn’t want to be selfish.

[MrsMcDowell]

Revision:


Prologue
Dead.
I was pretty much dead. I mean, that’s what people think when high school’s almost over, right? We were all so fed up with the torturous ridicule and social ruin. Well, I can’t speak for the overly popular crowd. But, at last I was a senior. I would finally fit in with the other adults. See, everyone always told me I had an “old soul”. I had more maturity than my peers, so it excited me that I could get a job, find a boyfriend, and start doing what I loved full time. Of course, if I ever made it to graduation, life would have been perfect. Instead, I decided getting a ride home from one of the most popular girls in school was worth more than my life, even though I knew she happened to be high. Instead, I died at seventeen.
   









ONE
“Okay, guys, what I want you to do is just make a quick film about the book. It could be anything from a ten minute scene off the pages to a completely separate idea. I don’t care what you do, as long as you’re within guidelines and type the damn thing up. If I get a hand-written assignment one more time, I’ll have to kill all of you.”
   This is why I loved Mr. Carter. He was such an awesome teacher. He talked to us like we were people instead of worrying about the fact that we were students. He treated us like adults. Mr. Carter was cool... when he wasn’t in a bad mood.
   But the assignment he’d just given us was another team project, and everyone in class had already picked their partners. Guess who was the only one left without a collaborator? That’s right: me. So, I was put with the girl who was absent that day. Needless to say, I was a little nervous because she was popular. I figured if I did all the work, she’d like me even more.
   The bell rang and Mr. Carter stood up from his chair behind the desk. “All right, guys, remember this is due in a week, okay?”
   Everybody grumbled before they got out of their seats. I took my time because I didn’t care if I was late for choir. I stuffed my pen back into my purse (senior year didn’t require a backpack) and started to get up. But that’s when I spotted my ex, Jim and his twin brother approaching me.
Jim and I were together the summer between my sophomore and junior year. He was my first boyfriend if you don’t count my kindergarten crush, Trevor – who liked trains, by the way (Trevor and I were going to get married before he ignored me at that daycare picnic when we were seven). Jim was my first ‘proper’ boyfriend. He asked me out and everything. I was so excited, I couldn’t breathe. The conversation went something like this:
   Jim: “I’m bored.”
   Me: “Yeah, my mom’s coming to pick us up. She’ll be here.”
   Jim: “I know something that’ll make this more exciting.”
   Me: “What?”
   Jim: “Will you go out with me?”
   Me: (and right about here, my shrug was so nonchalant, I should have patted myself on the back) “Okay.”
   Jim: “Really?”
   Me: (another shrug) “Yeah.”
   The whole relationship was one big joke. I mean, we went out for two months, I didn’t even get my first kiss, and then he dumped me for his ex. I wasn’t even upset when he called and told me we should have just been friends. I just said whatever and moved on. Besides, I had my best friend Sherry to keep me company.
And Even though Jim and I had broken up four months ago, I still felt awkward around him.
   “Hey, Katie,” he said, giving me a bright smile. That smile used to make my heart hiccup, but now all it did was make my breakfast threaten to return.
   “Hey,” I said, my eyes on the floor. “What’s up?”
   “You need a team for the project?” his brother, John asked.
   My Irish background got the best of me when my cheeks started to burn. I had little to no experience talking to boys, and my face never failed to turn tomato red whenever it happened. “No...” I replied. “I’m with Samantha on this one.”
   “Only because you have to be,” Jim said.
   “Yeah, but it wouldn’t be fair if I abandoned her.”
   “If you say so,” John answered, already bored with the conversation. He waved at a friend and walked out the door, leaving his brother behind, still staring at me.
   “You sure?” he asked.
   “Yup!” I responded, eager to push past him and head out the back door of the classroom. I didn’t even look over my shoulder, because I didn’t care whether or not he was watching me leave. I waved at Mr. Carter and jettisoned out into the quad. Sherry was waiting by her locker; I couldn’t get there quick enough.
   “What’s with you? You look like you’ve seen an ex,” she joked.
   “Ha, ha,” I replied sarcastically, tucking a strand of wavy brown hair behind one ear. “For your information, I have a class with said ex which just ended in a close call.”
   Sherry’s dark eyes widened and she smirked. She leaned against her locker, showing no signs of worry at the warning bell for next period. “Spill.”
   “There’s nothing to spill! We’re doing that stupid team project in Sci-Fi Lit, and I got paired with Samantha since she’s not here today. Jim came up and asked me to join his team and I said no. It’s still too awkward.”
   Sherry rolled her eyes and pushed off the locker bay. Tucking her choir music beneath one arm, we began the walk toward the cafeteria. “You’re hopeless,” she said halfway there.
   “Says the girl who hasn’t had a boyfriend in a year,” I replied under my breath.
   Sherry shrugged. “It’s a personal choice.”
   “Right.”

[Falen]

moving this to the right thread... (response from before the revision)

Ok. Well i was hooked right away. The first few sentences were clever and funny and great.

But then after that, you kind of slip into all this backstory and telling, so nothing really happens. It's just the MC telling us about what her highschool life was like, which, while funny and entertaining, stalls your momentum. I can't tell if all of this stuff is a lead up to her telling us about her death, or if it's just her telling us about her life. I just can't really get a firm grip on where it's all leading to. Does that make sense?

Your voice is really good and funny and i think you need to either show us all these things happening instead of telling us how it happened, or cut it all and weave it in later, bit by bit, so we're not hit by all the backstory at once. I'd try to go at least 50 pages before dropping in backstory.

I assume the inciting incident for her is actually dying, yeah? I mean i could be wrong, this is only a five page sample, but assuming her death sets her on her path of change, you may want to consider starting much closer to that. Start maybe the day of her death, or the afternoon. I would definitely recommend hitting that inciting incident within the first chapter (which it may, since, again, this is only 5 pages)

I hope that helps and good luck!

[Winsome]

I enjoyed reading both versions, I really like your writing style.  That being said, I think for the beginning the revised version makes more sense.   

[MrsMcDowell]

Did some more revisions:

Prologue
My name is Katie Bunny. On December 10, 2004 – just thirteen days before my eighteenth birthday – I died.
Morbid, right? Okay, let me just back up.
I’d officially had it. I mean, that’s what people think when high school’s almost over, right? We were all so fed up with the torturous ridicule and social ruin. Well, I can’t speak for the overly popular crowd (they just made fun of my “porn star inspired” last name, anyway). But, at least I was finally a senior. At last I would fit in with the other adults.
See, everyone always told me I had an “old soul”. I had more maturity than my peers, so it excited me that I could get a job, find a boyfriend, and start doing what I loved full time. Of course, if I ever made it to graduation, life would have been perfect. Instead, I decided getting a ride home from one of the most popular girls in school was worth more than my life, even though I knew she happened to be high. Instead, I died at seventeen.
   




ONE
“Okay, guys, what I want you to do is just make a quick film about the book. It could be anything from a ten minute scene off the pages to a completely separate idea. I don’t care what you do, as long as you’re within guidelines and type the damn thing up. If I get a hand-written assignment one more time, I’ll have to kill all of you.”
   That’s why I loved Mr. Carter. He was such an awesome teacher. He talked to us like we were people instead of worrying about the fact that we were students. He treated us like adults. Mr. Carter was cool... when he wasn’t in a bad mood.
   But the assignment he’d just given us was another team project, and everyone in class had already picked their partners. Guess who was the only one left without a collaborator? That’s right: me. So, he put me with the girl who was absent that day. Needless to say, anxiety got the best of me because she was popular. I figured if I did all the work, she’d like me even more.
   The bell rang and Mr. Carter stood up from his chair behind the desk. “All right, guys, remember this is due in a week, okay?”
   Everybody grumbled before they got out of their seats. I took my time because I didn’t care about being late for choir. I stuffed my pen back into my purse – senior year didn’t require a backpack – and started to get up. But that’s when I spotted my ex, Jim, and his twin brother approaching me.
Jim and I were together the summer between my sophomore and junior year. He was my first boyfriend if you don’t count my kindergarten crush, Trevor – who liked trains, by the way (Trevor and I were going to get married before he ignored me at that daycare picnic when we were seven).
Jim was my first “proper” boyfriend. He asked me out and everything. I was so excited, I couldn’t breathe. The conversation went something like this:
   Jim: “I’m bored.”
   Me: “Yeah, my mom’s coming to pick us up. She’ll be here.”
   Jim: “I know something that’ll make this more exciting.”
   Me: “What?”
   Jim: “Will you go out with me?”
   Me: (and right about here, my shrug was so nonchalant, I should have patted myself on the back) “Okay.”
   Jim: “Really?”
   Me: (another shrug) “Yeah.”
   The whole relationship was one big joke. I mean, we went out for two months, I didn’t even get my first kiss, and then he dumped me for his ex. I wasn’t even upset when he called and told me we should have just been friends. I just said whatever and moved on. Besides, I had my best friend Sherry to keep me company.
And Even though Jim and I had broken up four months ago, I still felt awkward around him.
   “Hey, Katie,” he said, giving me a bright smile. That smile used to make my heart hiccup, but now all it did was make my breakfast threaten to return.
   “Hey,” I said, my eyes on the floor. “What’s up?”
   “You need a team for the project?” his brother John asked.
   My Irish background got the best of me when my cheeks started to burn. I had little to no experience talking to boys, and my face never failed to turn tomato red whenever it happened. “No...” I replied. “I’m with Samantha on this one.”
   “Only because you have to be,” Jim said.
   “Yeah, but it wouldn’t be fair if I abandoned her.”
   “If you say so,” John answered, already bored with the conversation. He waved at a friend and walked out the door, leaving his brother behind, still staring at me.
   “You sure?” he asked.
   “Yup!” I responded, eager to push past him and head out the back door of the classroom. I didn’t even look over my shoulder, because I didn’t care whether or not he was watching me leave. I waved at Mr. Carter and jettisoned out into the quad. Sherry was waiting by her locker. I couldn’t get there quick enough.
   “What’s with you? You look like you’ve seen an ex,” she joked.
   “Ha, ha,” I replied sarcastically, tucking a strand of wavy brown hair behind one ear. “For your information, I have a class with said ex which just ended in a close call.”
   Sherry’s dark eyes widened and she smirked. She leaned against her locker, showing no signs of worry at the warning bell for next period. “Spill.”
   “There’s nothing to spill! We’re doing that stupid team project in Sci-Fi Lit, and I got paired with Samantha since she’s not here today. Jim came up and asked me to join his team and I said no. It’s still too awkward.”
   Sherry rolled her eyes and pushed off the locker bay. Tucking her choir music beneath one arm, we began the walk toward the cafeteria.
Choir used to be one of my favorite classes. Granted, I wanted to be in Drama, but due to a mix up in the administration office, I was stuck. But after the first week, I grew to love it. I even took PE during summer so I could keep my electives open.
Everyone lucky enough to hear me squeak out a few notes of my favorite songs in the car told me I had a great voice, so I kept hiding in the back corner of those risers, blending in with the other choir geeks.