Steampunk Query

[MissLM]

Please help me out. I have read this thing so many times I am going to go cross-eyed.

Seventeen-year-old orphan Cecil Starling is nothing short of fascinated by the revolutionary era she lives in. The Port in her hometown is filled with giant steamships coming and going, picking up goods from York Town’s manufactories to deliver around the world. It is a time of change that she welcomes. In a manner of speaking, she is on the front lines, her closest friend being the aging inventor Silas Grieve, who is certain that someday, one of his creations would change the world. Even cynical Cecil believes him.

But when Silas suddenly disappears, and an enormous reward is put out for his capture, Cecil realizes that there may have been a bit more to him than she had imagined. Soon mysterious ships begin arriving at the Port, and she is certain of two things: the newcomers are pirates, and they are looking for Silas Grieve. When one young pirate named Casper requisitions her help, Cecil knows it may be her only hope to find Silas before the other bounty hunters do, despite his sideways grin and intense adoration of ale.

Following a clue that Silas left behind leads them on a scavenger hunt, where they discover a chilling yet incredible invention of the man Cecil had supposed to be crazy, all while being hunted by the other pirates eager to collect the reward. But after stealing a ship and traveling across the sea to the beautiful and highly advanced country of Britannia, they soon realize that the pirates are the least of their enemies, and in finding Silas, they may be putting him in the gravest danger of all. After all, someone was responsible for putting that enormous reward on Silas’s head.

THE CURIOUS INVENTIONS OF SILAS GRIEVE is a young adult steampunk...........

You get the idea. Give me your worst, so that I can make it my best.

[eileen_writes]

YA isn't my genre, but here goes! In general, I would say your query is a bit too complicated for me to follow. A lot happens in a few paragraphs. I'm also not entirely sure what the stakes are. Maybe cut out some of the plot points to strengthen that. Good luck!

Seventeen-year-old orphan Cecil Starling is nothing short of fascinated by the revolutionary era she lives in. The Port in her hometown is filled with giant steamships coming and going, picking up goods from York Town’s manufactories to deliver around the world. It is a time of change that she welcomes. Maybe condense these first three sentences. This is the part of the query that started to grab my attention: In a manner of speaking, she is on the front lines, her closest friend being the aging inventor Silas Grieve, who is certain that someday, one of his creations would change the world. Even cynical Cecil believes him.

But when Silas suddenly disappears, and an enormous reward is put out for his capture, Cecil realizes that there may have been a bit more to him than she had imagined. Soon mysterious ships begin arriving at the Port, and she is certain of two things: the newcomers are pirates, and they are looking for Silas Grieve. When one young pirate named Casper requisitions I don't know if I like this word her help, Cecil knows it may be her only hope to find Silas before the other bounty hunters do, Is Casper a bounty hunter? despite his sideways grin and intense adoration of ale. Do these attributes make him a bad pirate? I just find the wording confusing.

Following a clue that Silas left behind leads them on a scavenger hunt, where they discover a chilling yet incredible invention of the man Cecil had supposed to be crazy, all while being hunted by the other pirates eager to collect the reward. This sentence is hard to follow. Try to break it down into smaller thoughts. They do on a scavenger hunt following clues Silas left (where?). He has an incredible invention that he (Silas?) was too crazy to make. They are being hunted. Etc. But after stealing a ship and traveling across the sea to the beautiful and highly advanced country of Britannia, I would introduce the idea that there's another more advanced place sooner. they soon realize that the pirates are the least of their enemies, and in finding Silas, they may be putting him in the gravest danger of all. After all, someone was responsible for putting that enormous reward on Silas’s head.

[magmonkey34]

Hey there Lisa,

I really like this query and think you are almost there. I agree with Eileen though that the beginning could be condensed so the reader jumps into the plot quicker, and the whole thing reads plot heavy. But your writing is so clear and really flows. Shorten it so it sings and I think your ms will get some attention for sure!

[jfoster3]

The line about her being on the front lines threw me off a bit and I had to reread it.
and the line about sideways grins. I wasn't sure who's sideways grin you were referring too.
Also the names sort of threw me off. You have three names with very sss sounds. Especially Cecil and Silas. It's not enough to throw me off, but just made me stumble for a moment. just something to consider.
The voice here is good though and the ending of the query is excellent. especially the finding Silas may put him in more grave danger. that makes me want to read it to find out why and how and if it does and what do they do about it.

[MissLM]

Thank you for the input, everyone! I'll be working on a revision. Or three.

[MissLM]

Is this any better? Too long? How can I shorten it without losing important plot points?


Seventeen-year-old orphan Cecil Starling is nothing short of fascinated by the revolutionary era she lives in. In a manner of speaking, she is on the front lines, her closest friend being the aging inventor Silas Grieve, who is certain that someday, one of his creations will change the world. Even cynical Cecil believes him.

But when Silas suddenly disappears, and an enormous reward is put out for his capture, Cecil realizes that there may have been a bit more to him than she had imagined. Soon mysterious ships begin arriving at the Port, and she is certain of two things: the newcomers are pirates, and they are looking for Silas Grieve. When one young pirate named Casper requisitions her help, Cecil knows it may be her only hope to find Silas before the other pirates do. But that means she will have to put up with his caddish grin and love for ale—while keeping her reputation as a lady intact.

Following a clue that Silas left behind leads them on a scavenger hunt into the underground belly of the city, where they discover a chilling yet incredible invention of the man Cecil had supposed to be crazy. Avoiding the pirates who are eager to collect the reward is hard work, but after stealing a ship and traveling across the sea to the beautiful and highly advanced country of Britannia, they soon realize that the pirates are the least of their enemies. And to make matters worse, in finding Silas, they may be putting him in the gravest danger of all. After all, someone was responsible for putting that enormous reward on Silas’s head.

[Casper]

Is this any better? Too long? How can I shorten it without losing important plot points?


Seventeen-year-old orphan Cecil Starling is nothing short of fascinated by the revolutionary era she lives in. In a manner of speaking, she is on the front lines, her closest friend being the aging inventor Silas Grieve, who is certain that someday, one of his creations will change the world. Even cynical Cecil believes him.

But when Silas suddenly disappears, and an enormous reward is put out for his capture, Cecil realizes that there may have been a bit more to him than she had imagined. Soon mysterious ships begin arriving at the Port, and she is certain of two things: the newcomers are pirates, and they are looking for Silas Grieve. When one young pirate named Casper requisitions this word suggests a military demand. Does he solicit her help, maybe? her help, Cecil knows it may be her only hope to find Silas before the other pirates do. But that means she will have to put up with his caddish grin and love for ale—while keeping her reputation as a lady intact.

The first two paragraphs are clear and succinct, but I think this one loses that clarity. I'll point out what I find muddies the waters.Following a clue that Silas left behind leads them on a scavenger hunt into the underground belly<potential cliche alert! of the city, where they discover a chilling yet incredible invention of the man Cecil had supposed to be crazy what man? If this is a new character/plot point, I'd lose it. There's too much going on in this last para. Avoiding the pirates who are eager to collect the reward is hard work, but after stealing a ship and traveling across the sea to the beautiful and highly advanced country of Britannia, they soon realize that the pirates are the least of their enemies. And to make matters worse, in finding Silas, they may be putting him in the gravest danger of all. After all, someone was responsible for putting that enormous reward on Silas’s head.I'm not sure this last sentence works in the way you want it to. Because I haven't a clue who it might be and what threat they pose, unless you're saying that the inventor mentioned earlier in the para is the one that did this. Is he? And is he an old friend/rival of Silas? I'm guessing here, obviously, but I'm finding this is too vague rather than making me ask the right questions. I'm having to think too hard about what you might mean with these hints.

Despite my shredding, this is really very effective overall. Too much detail in the third para imo, but otherwise good! Hope that helps.

[LydiaT]

In my opinion, Casper was spot on. I really liked the first two paragraphs and thought that they did a nice job laying out the world Cecil lives in (oh, and just so you know, Cecil is a boy's name. Cecile with an "E" is a girl's name). However, I got lost in the third paragraph because of a scavenger hunt, pirates, a new country, and someone putting a reward on Silas's head. IMHO, I would choose one of these details to really focus on. I think that the most important aspect is the person who is after Silas. You need to focus on that.

Good luck!

[MissLM]

Wow. Thanks a bunch! I am glad that you liked the first two paragraphs. I'll see about tidying up the last one and seeing what I can do. And, haha, yes. Cecil is a boy's name. I just liked it too much to not use it for her. And it suits her as a character.

.

Thank you, again!