The Power of Her Hand Query

[ripleypatton]

Okay, this is my third revision and I'm feeling ready to pull my hair out.  Would love any help anyone might suggest.


Dear (Agent's Name),
 
Gritty Goth Olivia Black is busy failing her Calculus test when she notices the new guy staring at her hand. Yeah, he's hot, but that's no excuse to be rude. So she has a birth defect. So she was born with an ethereal, glowy, see-through right hand where her flesh-and-blood hand should have been. She's used to it, and so is everyone in her small Midwestern hometown. It's not like her ghost hand is dangerous. It's not like it is warm and fluid and seeping away from her, burning to reach inside people and pull out the deepest darkest secrets of their damaged psyches.
 
At least, it's not like that until that day in Calculus when Olivia's hand reaches into the back of Passion Wainwright, a girl with cutting issues, and pulls out a bag of razor blades. Thankfully, Passion faints, distracting everyone, and when the new guy touches Olivia's wrist, cool and calm, her hand snaps back to normal and they get the hell out of there, blades and all.
 
His name is Marcus and he claims that Olivia is in danger—that her name is on a list of teenagers with ghost limbs who have begun disappearing one by one. He says he can help her and keep her safe, but Olivia doesn't trust him. She doesn't trust how conveniently he showed up just in time to help her. She doesn't trust the way he's so interested in her hand and Passion's blades. But she can't deny the cold hard fact that she needs Marcus. She needs his knowledge. She needs his protection. Most of all, she needs his proven ability to keep her rogue hand in check with only his touch, a touch she is growing to enjoy more than she's willing like to admit.

The Power of Her Hand is a young adult novel complete at 95,000 words.

(Stuff about me. Blah Blah Blah)
 
Thank you for your time, and I would be thrilled to send you a longer sample or full manuscript.

[starbaby017]

While gritty Goth Olivia Black is busy failing her Calculus test when she notices the new guy, Marcus, staring at her hand. Yeah, he's hot, but that's no excuse to be rude. So she has a birth defect. So she was born with an ethereal, glowy, see-through right hand where her flesh-and-blood hand should have been. She's used to it, and so is everyone in her small Midwestern hometown. It's not like her ghost hand is dangerous. It's not like it is warm and fluid and seeping away from her, yearning to reach inside people and pull out the deepest darkest secrets of their damaged psyches.
 
At least, it's not like that until that day in Calculus when Olivia's hand reaches into the back of Passion Wainwright, a girl with cutting issues, and pulls out a bag of razor blades.  (does this happen the same day as the test?) Thankfully Passion faints, distracting everyone.  When Marcus touches Olivia's wrist, a calming sensation comes over her, her hand snaps back to normal and they get the hell out of there - blades and all.
 
Marcus claims Olivia is in danger.  Her name is on a list of teenagers with ghost limbs who have been disappearing. Marcus says he can help Olivia and keep her safe, but she doesn't trust him. She doesn't trust how conveniently he showed up just in time to help her. She doesn't trust the way he's so interested in her hand and Passion's blades. But she can't deny the cold hard fact that she needs Marcus. She needs his knowledge. She needs his protection. Most of all, she needs his proven ability to keep her rogue hand in check with only his touch.  A touch she is starting to enjoy more than she's willing to admit.

The Power of Her Hand is a YA (What?) novel complete at 95,000 words.

I like it but, you are a bit on the long side.  Try and eliminate what isn’t essential without losing her voice.  Good luck!  And third attempt is pretty good.  I think mine is somewhere in the thirties    but, keep at it and you are sure to get there!

[tripmom]

It sounds like a really good story.  One that would definitely keep me reading.  However, like the previous poster said, it's a bit long.  I've been told to keep my word count to 200 - 250 max.  Yours, as posted, is 312 words and that's without the blah, blah, blah part.

[ripleypatton]

Thanks to you both. Here is a shorter version (181 words, I believe), but I think it loses some of the voice of the other one, which may be a worthy exchange for brevity's sake. I'd love to hear what you think.


Seventeen-year-old Olivia Black was born with a ghost hand, and it just went rogue. It wants to reach into people and pull things out. Dangerous things. Powerful things. Things from the darkest depths of the human psyche never meant to exist in this world.

Olivia can't control it, but Marcus can. He's the new guy at her small Midwestern high school—a handsome, cocky, city boy who claims Olivia is in danger—that her name is on a list of teenagers who have begun disappearing one by one.

Marcus says he can help her and keep her safe, but Olivia doesn't trust him. She doesn't trust how conveniently he showed up just in time to help her, or how interested he is in her hand and its new power. Still, she can't deny the cold hard fact that she needs Marcus. She needs his knowledge. She needs his protection. Most of all, she needs his proven ability to keep her rogue hand in check with only his touch, a touch she is growing to enjoy more than she'd like to admit.

[starbaby017]

Seventeen-year-old Olivia Black was born with a ghost hand, and it just went rogue. (Need to keep some form of explanation of what a ghost had is.  And rogue is too vague.  Are ghost limbs common though out the nation or is it specific to her town?  Is ghost limb what other people call it or is it her nickname for it?)   Try this:

Seventeen-year-old Olivia Black was born with a see-through hand.  Normally it’s not a big deal but, Olivia’s ghost hand is developing desires of its own.  It wants to reach into people and pull out dangerous secrets from the darkest depths of the human psyche.  Olivia can't control it, but the new kid – Marcus - can.

Marcus says Olivia is in danger.  Other teenagers with ghost limbs have begun disappearing and he can keep her safe. 

Olivia doesn't trust Marcus.  It’s too convenient that he showed up just when her hand started changing and his interest in her hand and its new power is getting on her nerves.  Still, Olivia can't deny the cold hard fact that she needs Marcus.  She needs his knowledge.  She needs his protection.  Most of all, she needs his proven ability to keep her hand in check with only his touch, a touch she is growing to enjoy more than she'd like to admit.


Of course you know your story and your character's voice better than I do but, I just wanted to give you some ideas.  This is shorter than the one you had so maybe you could build on the middle paragraph.
Good luck and keep at it.  You are getting closer. 
Karma cookies 

[tripmom]

I like the changes suggested above...better than what I thought of.

Best of luck!
Laura

[Lissie87]

I like both versions of your query, and I think they both do a good job of capturing the voice and making me want to read more. I think the second one is definitely the way to go, because of it's shorter length. I don't think you lose any of the voice. Also, I don't know that you need to explain what a ghost hand is. And I love the line about it going rogue--it made me laugh! 

[ripleypatton]

Thanks Starbaby and Lissie,
Really helpful input and I shall go and niggle it some more.

[scarlett9284]

Personally, I like the longer query better so here's my stab at tightening it:

Gritty Goth Olivia Black is busy failing her Calculus test when she notices the new guy, Marcus, staring at her hand. Yeah, he's hot, but that's no excuse to be rude. So she has a birth defect. So she was born with an ethereal, glowy, see-through right hand where her flesh-and-blood hand should have been. She's used to it, and so is everyone in her small Midwestern hometown. It's not like her ghost hand is dangerous. It's not like it is warm and fluid and seeping away from her, burning to reach inside people and pull out the deepest darkest secrets of their damaged psyches.
 
At least, it's not like that until that day in Calculus when Olivia's hand reaches into the back of Passion Wainwright, a girl with cutting issues, and pulls out a bag of razor blades. Thankfully, Passion faints, distracting everyone, and when the new guy touches Olivia's wrist, cool and calm, her hand snaps back to normal and they get the hell out of there, blades and all.
 
His name is Marcus and he claims that Olivia is in danger—that her name is on a list of teenagers with ghost limbs who have begun disappearing one by one. He says he can help her and keep her safe, but Olivia doesn't trust him. She doesn't trust how conveniently he showed up just in time to help her. She doesn't trust the way he's so interested in her hand and Passion's blades. But she can't deny the cold hard fact that she needs Marcus. She needs his knowledge. She needs his protection. Most of all, she needs his proven ability to keep her rogue hand in check with only his touch, a touch she is growing to enjoy more than she's willing like to admit.

If you cut where I suggested, it's down to 242.

[ripleypatton]

scarlett,
Thanks so much. That helps. Off to send another round of queries. urgh.