Hey guys. Synopses are my writerly downfall. They're hard for me to write, sound stilted and boring and then i have no idea if they're any good because i've never had much experience reading good
synopses. I know how you feel
Can all you lovelies please take a look at my current synopsis for my MS Glimpse of Another Shore?
I have another full request and would just like a couple eyes to take a look at this before i send it off.
As always, you guys rock!
(spaces added for ease of reading. Actual formatting matches industry standard)
In the country of Seton, one member from each family must serve the navy
in the war effort against the Resty steamships. PIER ARVIN watches his older brother TIDUS ship off to war, and realizes his own life, instead of being filled with the action and excitement of war, will be consumed by (too passive)
scraping barnacles, babysitting his younger sister NEMMY and avoiding his motherís disapproving eye. In fact, the only thing he has to look forward to is trying to convince his best friend, LANI, that being ďmore than friendsĒ is a good idea. Good introduction to Pier's situation.
After a storm, Nemmy and Pier discover an orphaned sea serpent. Everyone knows a sea serpent will eat a man faster than he can blink, but Pier sets out to tame and train the serpent, RULE, to provide some relief from the monotony of his life. It may not be battle on the high seas, but itís all he has.
When he makes an error while training Rule, Pier almost drowns. This sentence doesn't have the impact it should. Can you be more specific about what happens, and rephrase it to be less passive?
Realizing how dangerous Rule truly is, Pier angers Nemmy when he forbids both of them from spending any more time with Rule. Nemmy is also helping to train the serpent?
Determined to make Nemmy understand, First part of this sentence doesn't work.
Pier is sidelined when a letter advises them Tidus has been killed in action.
After Tidusís funeral, Pier breaks his vow and secretly seeks out Rule for comfort, even though he has frequent flashbacks of drowning. I'm curious to know more about Rule. What do Pier's training sessions involve? Does he ride the serpent somehow? How is the monster comforting? Do they communicate in some way?
When Rule is injured by another sea serpent, Pier has to enlist the aid of both Lani and her veterinarian father. When Lani discovers Pier has been lying to her, she breaks up with him. He's been lying to her? By hiding the fact he's training Rule?
Angry, Pier fights with a local bully and is arrested by the town Watch.
As punishment, Pier is not allowed to go to the naval academy to replace Tidus and at the end of the summer Pier and Nemmy must move in with their father on another island. Their mother is staying behind?
Nemmy blames Pier and refuses
to speak to him. Realizing their time together is short, Pier and Lani rekindle their relationship.
The next time Pier goes to swim with Rule, he finds Nemmy unconscious on the beach, having nearly drowned while swimming with Rule behind Pierís back.
Pier manages to get Nemmy breathing on her own and carries her home. Tired of all the lies, Pier tells his mother everything. After a few days,
, Nemmy sickens from her near drowning. Her illness would be
easily treated if not for the enemy blockade on the nearby island of Galton. Pierís only plan is to ride on the back of Rule and sneak onto the blockaded island.
They make the trip at night, and Pier is almost captured on the way home. He is saved only when Rule attacks the Resty soldiers. They finally lose the enemy on the open sea.
Nemmy takes the medication and improves enough to attend the summer festival where Lani and Pier share their first kiss.
On their way home, the town is suddenly attacked by the enemy and Pier, while trying to flee with Lani, is knocked unconscious by a Resty soldier. Maybe break this into two sentences.
Pier awakens and finds himself and Lani captured and bound to the deck of a Resty steamship with other prisoners. A soldier questions them, stating theyíre looking for a boy and his sea monster. Pier realizes he has a choice: he can give up himself and Rule and the Resties will release their
under Resty control
, or he can risk his life and try to find help.
Not wanting his home to resemble the war-torn Galton, Pier, with Laniís help, escapes off the ship and calls Rule to him. They swim south towards the capital to find naval help.
When the capital province is finally in sight, Pier and Rule are ambushed by a Resty patrol vessel. Pier is shot, but Rule submerges while Pier is taken aboard the enemy ship. Pier is questioned and just as theyíre about to resort to harsher methods, Rule breaches and crashes into the boat, sinking it.
Injured, Pier and Rule flee and finally reach a naval vessel. Pier conveys his message, content with the knowledge heís done everything he can.
A few weeks later, Pier is finally fit enough to return home. On the voyage, Pier learns how the navy fought off the Resties and rescued his home and the captured prisoners. At home, Pier and Lani talk about their future. Both Pier and Rule have been drafted into the navy, something Pier once dreamt of, but now has mixed emotions about. Lani and Pier decide to stay together, even though theyíll be apart. They kiss once again and Pier no longer feels like heís drowning.