THE DEATH OF ME Query Help (YA)

[MrsMcDowell]

Hi All,

I've been posting in this forum about four different times with about seventeen versions of the same damn query. I've finally come up with this:


Dear XXX,

Seventeen-year-old Katie Bunny has thirty days to accomplish everything she’s ever wanted in life. Before she dies. Again.

After a car accident ends her life, Katie discovers that, just like high school, the Afterlife is one big popularity contest. Everybody who’s anybody gets a hall pass to A Better Place, because they’ve achieved some higher purpose. Except Katie, who’s been too busy watching old B movies and worrying about tomorrow’s outfit to think about her ambitions. So, she gets a second chance. Only here’s the catch: she has thirty days to figure out what her life goal is, and she can’t tell a soul what’s going to happen. To top it all off, hunky Afterlifer Martin Krane is added to the mix, and Katie must make a decision: accept his help – which comes at a price – or spend eternity alone in her own private hell.

64,000 words in length, THE DEATH OF ME is a young adult paranormal adventure, which I describe as a TWILIGHT ZONE version of THE BUCKET LIST.

I hold a certificate in Creative Writing from San Jose State University and have worked as a freelance editor for the past several years. THE DEATH OF ME is my third novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

With the exception of the "hunky" part -- which I'm still unsure of -- I like this version much better!

[Winsome]

I think it sounds great!     As for the query part, I've not had any successes with mine, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.  lol
Tammy

[MrsMcDowell]

I'm getting told it's too vague by some. Problem is, if I add more, it gets too wordy and the gist is buried in details. I like it the way it is now..

[MrsMcDowell]

Hi Falen,

I think you posted in the wrong topic! :-) You were replying to the first five pages, right?

Thanks for your input, I've revised the first few pages based on your ideas (which are perfect, btw. Can't figure out why I didn't think of that).

Find it here,

http://querytracker.net/forum/index.php?topic=11734.0

[Falen]

I totally just saw this! I don't even know how that happened. I'll move it to the right thread.

As for your query, i'd like to know the specifics of what accepting Martin's help will cost her.
But yeah, this version is much stronger.
Also i LOL'd at her last name

[MrsMcDowell]

I've revised a little:


The Afterlife sucks.

Seventeen-year-old Katie Bunny has thirty days to accomplish everything she’s ever wanted. Before she dies. Again.

After a fatal car accident, Katie discovers that, just like high school, the Afterlife is one big popularity contest. Everybody who’s anybody gets a hall pass to A Better Place, because they’ve achieved some higher purpose. Except Katie, who’s been too busy watching old B movies and worrying about tomorrow’s outfit to think about her ambitions. So, she gets a second chance. Only here’s the catch: she has thirty days to figure out what her life goal is, and she can’t tell a soul what’s going to happen. To top it all off, overly-cocky Afterlifer Martin Krane is added to the mix, and Katie must make a decision: accept his help, which may affect her sanity, or spend eternity alone in her own private hell.

64,000 words in length, THE DEATH OF ME is a young adult paranormal adventure, which I describe as a TWILIGHT ZONE version of THE BUCKET LIST.

I hold a certificate in Creative Writing from San Jose State University and have worked as a freelance editor for the past several years. THE DEATH OF ME is my third novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

[LydiaT]

Hi Acro,
I really like this version! It's a really big improvement from the first few versions. It's great that you managed to condense all that information into one clear, easy-to-follow paragraph.
Actually, the only thing that I have a qualm with is the very first line. We can deduct that the Afterlife sucks based on the other paragraphs. It isn't necessary.

Great job with this!