Killer/thriller

[qheventer]

Hey all -- I've never written in first person and I just started this book. I'd like to get some feedback to see if I want to continue in the same manner or if I want to trash it and start over.




The last place you’d look for the devil is in church. I say that’s the first place to look. You keep your friends close but your enemies closer. He’s there and I have my eye out for him every Sunday.

Let’s be honest. We all think about killing someone at some point, church goer or not. Someone makes us mad enough and we serenely imagine hitting them in the head and knocking them off, or whatever method you might chose. The only difference between the thinkers and the killers is that the killers actually follow through. 

So what makes a killer take the leap from imagination to reality? What stops one person and yet pushes another to do it? That’s a good question and one I don’t quite have an answer to just yet as I can’t seem to stop at just imagination. Maybe, just maybe, one day I’ll have the answer and then I’ll stop killing.
You might ask how did I take the leap from imagining to actually doing  “IT” ? That’s a big leap, after all I am I’m the church lady next door. Looking back I’m not quite sure. Yeah, the experts say that serial killers are creatures of great psychological deformity but I wouldn’t say that about me.

Oh wait. Did I say “serial killer”? No. I didn’t mean serial killer. I meant…. Well, I’m not sure what I meant but I’m normal. Completely normal. I could be your daughter’s teacher, your preacher’s wife, the girl checking you out at the grocery store. Kind of scary when you look at it that way. The truth of the matter is though that none of us know what the other is thinking. We’re all capable of deadly sins, thus the reason we all desperately need a savior.

There was no abuse growing up. I grew up in a normal small town home that went to church every single Sunday without fail. Unfortunately, they don’t hand out perfect attendance awards at church, although you’d think they did from the way some people carry on about being there. 
 
So how did I transform from small town girl next door to secretly slitting someone’s throat or bashing their head in? Well, that my friend is thanks in part to my first husband, Steve. He was my first in more ways than one.

He was a nice guy. But us gals as we get older and we’re married to a man over time, it seems as though we focus more on the things that drive us crazy to the point that we’re miserable and bitter. No wonder women become nags the longer we’re married. I just didn’t want to become bitter. I didn’t want to become a nag. So I murdered him. Simple as that. 

In the end, it was good as the ends justified the means and opened up a door from heaven. Being a poor lonely widower, I was able to marry my husband who just so happens to be a preacher. We never could have married if I’d still been married to Steve, even though I was miserable. So all in all, it evened out.

Ever since my first husband’s death, the killings, or the “events” as I like to call them ,have been more about ridding this world of hypocrisy. I’m on a mission to keep the church intact and the world at face value. I say that you need to be the type of person that what you see is what you get and you need to live that way. Be a saint or a slut but don’t be both or I’ll find you.

As the preacher’s wife and church organist, I have the perfect opportunity to determine if you’re a saint or a slut when you walk through the church doors. I sit hidden, every single Sunday, looking out over the congregation and watch their faces during the sermon. Amazing what you can tell about a person during a fire and brimstone discourse when it touches on the sins in their lives. Some people squirm and fidget. Some people get mad. Those are the ones that I watch and pay attention to. Those are the ones that have something to hide.

Living in a small town and being the preacher’s wife has its advantages too. I’m privy to the darkest secrets of the congregation. I mean, the preacher isn’t supposed to tell but it’s amazing how a man of the cloth can be manipulated after a good bout of passion. Too, who is ever suspect of the preacher’s wife? She’s practically a saint!

There’s other reasons I’ve never been caught. One is always getting rid of the body when applicable. Sometimes it just needs to look like an accident. Then other times when things get out of hand and it doesn’t go quite as planned you just have to figure out a smart way to get rid of the body so they never find anything. One of the biggest reasons people get caught is because the body is found!  Completely dispose of the body and you won’t get caught! It’s pretty much common sense.

Oh, and another tip is don’t do the same thing over and over. If you use a different method and different tools each time, then it doesn’t look like the same person doing the killings. You don’t want to have a pattern. If you have a pattern, then it suddenly becomes the work of a serial killer and the FBI gets called in and they bring the supper sleuths that like to play mind games and analyze everyone. You don’t want that.

Another advantage to being the preacher’s wife is that we move every few years. We never stay in one place for an extended period of time due to how the church runs its business. So I never really get a chance to lower the population of the latest town too much.

[munley]

This is a bit difficult to read because of the formatting. Hard to tell where the paragraphs separate and easy to lose my place. If you don't mind, could you click on "modify" to indent the paragraphs and leave a blank line between them?

My initial reaction is that I like the premise and the tone of this. Would like to see the character actually doing something, not just thinking about how we are all capable of evil and about all the advantages her position affords her as a killer, particularly the advantage of probably being the least suspected person around -- the church organist and wife of the preacher. A great idea.

For example, if you show her scoping out her next victim, we get see her in action and you begin to build suspense as we see the dangerous spot the other person is in.

Your draft mentions that, while playing the organ, she studies people's faces as they're listening to the fire and brimstone sermons and that she is privy to things they confide in her husband. Is she scoping out a possible victim during these sermons? Is she combining these observations with personal things she learned about people when they came to the victor house/rectory to confide their troubles to her husband the preacher?  If she zeroes in on one possible victim, how does she engage with the person directly? Does she sidle up to that person as they are walking back to their car? Does she ask sympathetically how they are managing with some difficulty they may have mentioned to her previously?

Does she stalk anybody?

What exactly does she do, not just think?

[qheventer]

Yes -- that was hard to read! Sorry!!

Thanks for the input--- that's what I needed and is a big help!! I'm quickly seeing that my natural tendency in writing in first person is to write more internally instead of using dialogue and actions. I'll have to work on that but it's good to be aware of it. 

The next chapter starts with her meeting her neighbor ---but in hindsight, I think may need to do more dialogue. This is good!

[rivergirl]

Hey qheventer,

I love first person but here's a few issues I have with this first five.  I was very engaged the first couple of parag. when I found out the MC was the killer, but then the history continued, and continued, and continued.  There's only back history in this first five and no plot.  Why not start the story with her first murder and let us into the killer's head.  That's a great place to give us a lot of history while weaving it into the plot.  Explain why she's chosen to do what she does. 
Now for nit picks:

The first line didn't flow for me because it sounds like the narrator speaking.  It might work better to say..."People say that the last place you'd look..."

It's the method you choose, not chose.

"all I am I’m the church lady next door"  this quote has a few extra words

"That my friend," is an abrupt change to third person.  It tends to pull the reader out.

Like Munley, I too liked the tone and premise of this story.  I see tons of potential here, but it's so vital to nail those first five.  Start with action and not history. 
 

[qheventer]

GREAT input -- THANK YOU!!!   

I'm sure this is going to be a definite learning experience trying something I've never done.

[hopewell]

I've a different take I guess: a serial killer preacher's wife is so unusual that I don't mind spending time learning how that all came to be.  In fact, I have a feeling she's got a lot more to tell before we get into the main conflict, and that's okay because you've foreshadowed conflict: knowing she's a serial killer and will therefore kill again.

 I didn't feel like I needed to see her in action just yet. I think you've made a great choice spending a lot of time having her try to convince us how normal (and clever) she is, or at least she thinks she is.

That being said, could you ratchet up tension even more by giving us a glimpse of the next victim in these pages?  For instance, your description of the congregation is rather generic.  Are there characters in there that might be good candidates? (You obviously know who the first one will be.  Perhaps introduce him/her as one of the ones "she can tell"?

Also, an over-arching concern would be generating sympathy for this character.  With someone as devious and heinous as this gal, that's a tough one.  But I would be willing to stick it out a few more chapters to see what happens, or if a sympathetic character appears, or we root for her redemption.  Grisham's a master at that...