MADNESS: Re-write

[rachelb26]

Thank you very much for the suggestions. Revision below. Is this interesting to anyone? Or should I start all over again? Would much rather hear rejections from you guys!
Many thanks for all of your help.


When Sylvie Greenwood’s father believes that she has attempted suicide he commits her to a mental institution against her will where the twenty three year old quietly organizes the other inmates and will stop at nothing as she plots her revenge. Her first act of retribution calls for the murder of the abusive doctor lording over her but when that attempt fails she is forced to run for her life and leave her complicit roommate behind. As Sylvie regroups and begins to plot her second act she uncovers new alarming information making it clear that she cannot fail again - her freedom and the safety of other patients, are at stake.

With a deadline for her to turn herself in on the horizon, Sylvie’s plans grow bolder by the second. She didn’t exactly plan a life on the run, riddled with crime, but now that she has found it she knows she is exactly where she wants to be. Driven by her murderous obsession the body count in her wake rises and she begins to question her hold on reality.

MADNESS, a work in women’s fiction is complete at 90,000 words.

[Zooks]

This raises many questions: did she attempt suicide or does it only appear that way? Did someone else try to kill her? If so, why?  Or has her father had her committed under false pretenses?  Is this contemporary or a historical piece?

When Sylvie Greenwood’s father believes that she has attempted suicide he commits her to a mental institution against her will where the twenty three year old quietly organizes the other inmates and will stop at nothing as she plots her revenge. [very long sentence]  Her first act of retribution calls for the murder of the abusive doctor lording over her [that sounds odd.  Do you mean the Dr. in charge of the institution?]but when that attempt fails she is forced to run for her life and leave her complicit roommate behind. As Sylvie regroups and begins to plot her second act [unsure if you mean her 2nd act of attempted murder or the 2nd act to her life] she uncovers new, alarming information making it clear that she cannot fail again - her freedom and the safety of other patients, are at stake. [dashes or commas]

With a deadline for her to turn herself in on the horizon, [a bit awkwardly worded] Sylvie’s plans grow bolder by the [cliche]second. She didn’t exactly plan a life on the run, riddled with crime, but now that she has found it she knows she is exactly where she wants to be. Driven by her murderous obsession, the body count in her wake rises and she begins to question her hold on reality. 

MADNESS, a work in women’s fiction is complete at 90,000 words.

[RedRyder]

I read an earlier version of this and this rewrite is much more to the point than the last. I think I couple more tweaks and you've got it. Here are some of my sugesstions.

When Sylvie Greenwood’s father believes that she has attempted suicide, he commits her to a mental institution against her. will where A sadistic doctor abuses Sylvie, making her (insert a couple details this creepo does). The twenty three year old quietly organizes the other inmates and will stop at nothing as she in a plot for plot her revenge, begining with the Her first act of retribution calls for the murder of the abusive sick doctor lording over her . but when that The attempt fails, but Sylvie manages to escape the institution and she is forced to run for her life, reluctantly and leave leaving her complicit roommate behind. As Sylvie regroups and begins to plot her second act she uncovers new alarming information making it clear that she cannot fail again - her freedom and the safety of other patients, are at stake.

With a deadline for her to turn herself in on the horizon, Sylvie’s plans grow bolder by the second. She didn’t exactly plan a life on the run, riddled with crime, but now that she has found it she knows she is exactly where she wants to be. Driven by her murderous obsession, the body count in her wake rises and she begins to question her hold on reality. (Really like this last sentence. Keep this!)

MADNESS, a work in women’s fiction is complete at 90,000 words.

[rachelb26]

Thank you both for the suggestions. They are extremely helpful - and I need help! Very much appreciate the specificity in the comments. It seems that you are both saying I need to be more direct - and keep it simple. Thank you!