Intrigue/thriller - IDENTITY (take 2)

[Lance C.]

Try this one. Better? Clearer?

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Dear [whomever you are],

Jake Eldar is a bookstore manager in Brooklyn. Miriam Schaffer is a secretary at a Philadelphia law firm. They’ve never met, but they share life experiences. They both grew up in Israel, saw combat in the Israeli armed forces, met and married their spouses there. Now the Israeli intelligence agency Mossad has used their identities in a plot to assassinate a high-ranking Hezbollah commander.

Another point in common: Hezbollah plans to kill both of them in revenge.

In IDENTITY, Jake, Miriam and ten other innocents in five countries wake up to find their identities stolen and their lives caught between two deadly opponents in a global game of murder and reprisal. Fadi Alayan, idealistic chief of a Hezbollah direct-action team, sees the twelve as allies of the Zionist enemy that killed his wife and parents. Refael Gur, a veteran Mossad agent growing ever more aware of his own mortality, uses Jake and Miriam as bait to draw Alayan into a fatal trap – all while hiding Mossad’s role in the operation.

Jake stumbles upon Hezbollah’s plot and warns Miriam at the last possible moment. When they join forces, they become far harder targets than Alayan ever expected. Hezbollah, however, has a hedge against Alayan’s possible failure; its fallback plan will slaughter hundreds on two continents if Jake and Miriam survive.

Complete at 119,000 words, IDENTITY is inspired by Mossad’s 2010 assassination of Mahmoud Mabhouh. It will appeal to fans of Daniel Silva’s Gabriel Allon series and Ken Follett’s stories of modern-day international intrigue, action and suspense.

I’ve enclosed [whatever you asked for]. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

[Jole]

hi Lance C,

i have to be honest: i was greatly confused by your query (sorry  ). there were just so many names, it was hard to keep them all straight. i really had to think which, obviously, you don't want from your reader. also, you allude to a lot of plot points, but you're not telling us what happens. what do you mean their "identities were stolen"; that Jake and Mariam are "used as bait"; that Jake "stumbles" upon Hezbollah's plot. remember, i don't have the same knowledge or understanding as you do. of course, you wrote it so you know the story inside and out. when you say  "they become far harder targets than Alayan ever expected" -- it makes perfect sense (obviously). me, as a new reader, i haven't a clue. and i'm not saying you need to spell everything out, i'm just saying i need to picture the scene...ya know?

before you send out your query i would strongly suggest cutting about 20k words. i know what you're thinking (cuz i've been there), but the average word count in your genre is 80-100k. (don't believe me, google it or click here -- http://theswivet.blogspot.com.au/2008/03/on-word-counts-and-novel-length.html ). i know it's painful, but you can do it. trust me. (i had to cut 40k from mine. painful but doable.)

good luck to you!

[brmyers]

Hi there,

Karma for posting. This plot sounds sophisticated, I bet you're a real smarty pants. It's so hard to keep from putting all the 'good stuff' in the query. Remember, the only purpose of the query is to intice the agent to ask for more. I took a lot because, frankly, you had me after the first paragraph.

I only added a hook for your opening line—play around with it a bit.

Also, to echo the other comment, I think your word count could come down. Other than that, good luck.

Jake and Miriam thought they left their past buried back home among thousands of military documents—they were wrong. 
Jake Eldar is a bookstore manager in Brooklyn. Miriam Schaffer is a secretary at a Philadelphia law firm. They both grew up in Israel, saw combat in the armed forces, and left the country to build a new life in America. They've never met and have no idea the other exists, that is until the Israeli intelligence agency, Mossad, uses them to plot an assassination of a high-ranking Hezbollah commander.

Complete at 119,000 words, IDENTITY is inspired by Mossad’s 2010 assassination of Mahmoud Mabhouh. It will appeal to fans of Daniel Silva’s Gabriel Allon series and Ken Follett’s (I would specifically name the novel).

[violet]

Try this one. Better? Clearer?

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Dear [whomever you are],

Jake Eldar is a bookstore manager in Brooklyn. Miriam Schaffer is a secretary at a Philadelphia law firm. They’ve never met, but they share life experiences. They both grew up in Israel, saw combat in the Israeli armed forces, met and married their spouses there. Now the Israeli intelligence agency Mossad has used their identities in a plot to assassinate a high-ranking Hezbollah commander.

Another point in common: Hezbollah and plans to kill both of them in revenge.

In IDENTITY, Jake, Miriam and ten other innocents in five countries wake up to find their identities stolen and their lives caught between two deadly opponents in a global game of murder and reprisal---> this is now a repetition of above. Fadi Alayan, idealistic chief of a Hezbollah direct-action team, sees the twelve as allies of the Zionist enemy that killed his wife and parents. Refael Gur, a veteran Mossad agent growing ever more aware of his own mortality, uses Jake and Miriam as bait to draw Alayan into a fatal trap – all while hiding Mossad’s role in the operation.

Jake stumbles upon Hezbollah’s plot and warns joins forces with Miriam to...uncover the plot/tell the president of what's happening/whatever goes here. at the last possible moment. When they join forces, they become far harder targets than Alayan ever expected. Hezbollah, however, has a hedge against Alayan’s possible failure; What they don't realize is that Hezbollah's its fallback plan will slaughter hundreds on two continents if Jake and Miriam survive. I think something more to the effect of: not only are their lives at stake, but so are hundreds of others that span two continents. (But better than that  )

Complete at 119,000 words, IDENTITY is inspired by Mossad’s 2010 assassination of Mahmoud Mabhouh. It will appeal to fans of Daniel Silva’s Gabriel Allon series and Ken Follett’s stories of modern-day international intrigue, action and suspense.

I’ve enclosed [whatever you asked for]. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

I like this a lot!  Right now, you need to keep the query in the povs of the two MC's. I don't care about anyone else or what their motives are, including Hezbollah's. 

[Lance C.]

Thanks for all your ideas.

@brmeyers: I like the idea behind your suggested new first line and how you revamped the first graf  .

@violet: I need to mention who's behind the threat to J&M; I'll have to play with it to see how minimalist I can get and still have it make sense.

I know 119K is long. Believe it or not, this is after two critique groups have been after it. I'm sure there's more than can be cut, but I'm at a point where neither I nor the other folks who have watched this develop can see where it is. The next step would be laying a bunch of money on an editor -- something that will thansform this into yet another expensive avocation. *sigh*