WIP - Whaddya think? Thank you.

[Zooks]

Keegan O’Rourke sat in his car in the Cragsland Dairy Queen parking lot waiting for his best friend Amelia Drange.  She was ten minutes late as usual. Ordinarily, her seeming indifference to punctuality would piss him off, but he didn’t mind today.  Maybe it was because he’d been keeping a secret from her for a few weeks and he was reveling in a subtle sense of smugness.

[AnyaHarker]

For me? It feels like there are too many names being thrown at me in the first sentence. I think I'd cut Amelia's surname and include it elsewhere -- like through dialogue or something.

But otherwise I like this. I think I'd add something in as to why keeping a secret gave him a subtle sense of smugness and why that made him not mind her tardiness. Is he not usually able to keep a secret or something like that?

  also WTG being the first one to post. Ya beat me to it!

[Falen]

I'm with Anya. Removing her last name would fix it for me. Or removing the Craigsland in front of the DQ, but i like that detail, so that would be my last choice.

[Zooks]

Thank you, Anya and Falen!  Much appreciated.

[munley]

Keegan O’Rourke sat in his car in the Cragsland Dairy Queen parking lot waiting for his best friend Amelia Drange.  She was ten minutes late as usual. Ordinarily, her seeming indifference to punctuality would piss him off, but But today he didn’t mind today.  Maybe it was because he’d been keeping a secret from her for a few weeks and he was reveling in a subtle sense of smugness. She's the one who'd be pissed when she found out he'd been keeping a secret from her for weeks.

An intriguing beginning. Here's my trimming suggestion without all the mark ups.

Keegan O’Rourke sat in the Cragsland Dairy Queen parking lot waiting for his best friend Amelia. She was ten minutes late as usual. But today he didn't mind. She's the one who'd be pissed when she found out he'd been keeping a secret from her for weeks. 

I don't know if I succeeded, but I tried to keep the smugness in there by implying he'd be delighted by her annoyed reaction as well as his success in keeping her out of the loop this long. It seemed that some other things didn't need to be spelled out either, but could still be understood--that he is inside a car, that he is usually annoyed by her lateness.

[Zooks]

Thanks, Munley. 

[stephaniediaz]

I think you have nice voice if this. Getting rid of Amelia's surname would also fix it for me.

[MaryL]

Anything starting in a place like the Dairy Queen parking is a win.  There's an immediate "why" in my mind. Dying to know what his secret is. 

[Zooks]

Yay, thanks stephaniediaz and MaryL.   

[LydiaT]

The mention of a secret is intriguing and I'd read on based on that. Like others said, I'd throw out Amelia's surname and the "Cragsland" in front of DQ. Otherwise, there's too much going on. However, I really like this! Nice job 

[Zooks]

Thanks, LydiaT! 

[augusto]

We're right there in the car with Keegan but I don't really feel it. Maybe it's the 3 was-es in 4 sentences that pull me away. She's late and he's got a secret. Wonderful! But even in his smugness, wouldn't there be signs that he's a bit antsy? Fiddling with the radio, smokin' cigarettes, messing with the seat to get comfortable; there are a lot of ways to us closer to the action (even if it is just sitting in a car). I like it, just want to be closer to Keegan. 

[Zooks]

Thanks, augusto. I do want you to feel as if you're in the car. Is this any better?

Keegan O’Rourke sat in his car in the Dairy Queen parking lot waiting for Amelia.  Ten minutes late as usual. Ordinarily, her seeming indifference to punctuality would piss him off, but he didn’t mind today.  Maybe the secret he’d been keeping from her for a few weeks caused him to revel in a subtle sense of smugness. With the Buick’s ancient defogger off, he encouraged the windows to cloud up, obscuring him from any onlookers.  Keegan pressed Play and began to conduct Escala, the female electronic string quartet.  Their rousing rendition of Led Zeppelin’s Kashmir made him dizzy. 

[augusto]

I swear the car's movin'! 

[Ladybug]

 I like this, Zooks. I actually think you should keep Cragsland in--to me it gives me a sense of place. I picture something near the ocean (you know, crags). And if the town doesn't have crags, it makes me wonder why they'd name a place that.

Good voice too. I'd definitely keep reading.