THE LAST OF ERUIPIDES FALLS

[Zooks]

Sometimes Fate plays its hand with such subtle finesse and an exquisitely delicate touch that those it affects believe the credit for the end result belongs to them alone.  Sometimes Fate strikes with a forceful knockout punch that leaves the recipient stunned and reeling.  Sometimes Fate has you driving the latest model high-end automobile with all the bells and whistles.  Sometimes Fate finds you living in a 20-year-old wreck at the junkyard with all your worldly possessions crammed inside a vintage TWA flight bag you found in the trunk. Despite the caked on gray matter that required a good half-hour of prying loose with a rusty screwdriver, the dated flight bag offers you the fantasy of romantic travels to foreign lands from long ago.

[rnpudel]

My first thought is that there's too many "sometimes". I see the point your trying to make, and that you need to sound fairly redundant to let the reader know this is a person down on their luck and kinda tired of being there. But maybe cut the "sometimes" down a bit?

You've got me wondering though. Is this about a person actually living in a junkyard? What an interesting idea. And of course that makes me wonder how they came to that point, which in turn makes me wonder what you're story is about. 

[Zooks]

Thanks, rnpudel.  Yes, the repetition of Sometimes was intentional.  The person pretends to live in the junkyard to elicit sympathy from the person she plans to rip off.

[rnpudel]

Oh WOW!A twist I did not see coming! 

[munley]

I also find the very idea of a woman living in a car in a junkyard absorbing. Also like the clear image of the old TWA bag. There is a nice contrast between a kind of nostalgia as appealing yet homelessness as not something good.

As it stands, it seems a bit too much theoretical musing  directly addressed to the reader as well as something to be taken at face value -- living in this car-- since the reader, so far, has no reason to doubt the truth of this.

Since you later explain that this story is made up as part of a rip-off scheme, why not put this in a live dramatic form: her telling the person she is trying to trick into believing that this is her life? Let us watch the listener being drawn in while we readers get some subtle hint that this story is a con job.

What kind of person is the one being conned and what connection is there to the "homeless woman"? Is it a stranger, a vain do-gooder we we wouldn't mind seeing brought down a notch? A sincere person truly troubled by this homeless person's situation and moved to try to help? Someone the "homeless woman" has know for a long time. A parent? An ex-spouse? Are they supposed to feel responsible somehow for how she ended up? Not all of this would come out in the opening. Just wondering about things that would even make this woman think she stands a chance conning that person.

This is a great premise. Just wanting to see more unfolding of a story in a more concrete way.

[Zooks]

Thank you, munley.  The man being conned (recovering addict) runs the neighborhood soup kitchen and it's the woman's plan to rip off his donations/funding. That's revealed to the reader soon, but not in the 1st paragraph. I didn't want the opening to seem theoretical ...hmm...will have to rethink.  Thanks.