MIDNIGHT SHARDS (WIP) - YA Paranormal

[AnyaHarker]

Okay, here we go. Something new from me so have at it! :^D


Acrid smoke stung his eyes and Aiden's lungs burned as he sucked in another breath of tainted oxygen. As he raced across the grassland at preternatural speed, he left small craters in the soft ground with every strike of his heel. His quarry managed to stay a few steps ahead of him and Aiden wasn't sure how much longer he could keep up this breakneck pace. Aiden knew he must catch the woman and the bundle in her arms before they reached the portal. Everything depended on it.

[Zooks]

I like this - it certainly grabbed my attention.     Two things though - the use of 'preternatural' took me out of the story - it may describe exactly what you want to say, but I found it jarring.  And I don't know if Aiden is old or infirm (having trouble catching a woman w/a bundle) but don't most people run on the balls of their feet and toes with their heels barely touching the ground?  Perhaps you've got your reasons for this - so just ignore me.

[Alniah]

Acrid smoke stung his eyes and Aiden's lungs burned as he sucked in another breath of tainted oxygen. As he raced across the grassland at preternatural speed, he left small craters in the soft ground with every strike of his heel. His quarry managed to stay a few steps ahead of him and Aiden wasn't sure how much longer he could keep up this breakneck pace. Aiden knew he must catch the woman and the bundle in her arms before they reached the portal. Everything depended on it.


The two 'as' back to back caught my attention. Otherwise, you start with the obvious stake of catching the woman which brings instant tension and interest. Good job!

[Falen]

Throwing in my cents, for what they're worth (cents?)

Acrid smoke stung his eyes and Aiden's lungs burned as he sucked in another breath of tainted oxygen. As he raced across the grassland at preternatural speed, he left small craters in the soft ground with every strike of his heel. His quarry managed to stay a few steps ahead. of him and Aiden wasn't sure How much longer he could he keep up this breakneck pace? Aiden knew he must He had to catch the woman and the bundle in her arms before they reached the portal. Everything depended on it.

I'm also not a big fan of both "Acrid Smoke" and "Taintend Oxygen" in the first sentence. I would ditch the adjective on one . My suggestion would be Acrid. 

 

[MaryL]

Intriguing start. I'd replace Aiden with a pronoun in a few spots since he's the only named male so far.  Well done!

[LydiaT]

Yeah, I agree with Mary. "Aiden" was a little overused so it sounded kind of repeptitive, but other than that I liked this!

[AnyaHarker]

Awesome. Thanks guys. :^D

ARGH. Stupid school. Another 8 weeks and I can start on this thing!!

[MaryL]

Good luck finishing up the semester. The Spring is the worst! Just want it over. xoxo

[AnyaHarker]

God, you're not kidding. Especially when I graduate on May 20th. It's SO hard to concentrate on things I'm supposed to be doing!!

[munley]

I would mention Aiden's name first (before saying he or his). Otherwise, it isn't clear whether we are talking about one male character or two.

It also wasn't clear whether Aiden is trying to catch the woman before she goes through the portal or he is trying to catch up with others who are also after her, people he does not want to get hold of her--and she is already on the other side of the portal. So my insert (she?) is based on that confusion. If the others are on his side with a common goal, why must he be the one to catch her?

This pursuit is an interesting way to open overall, though.

Okay, here we go. Something new from me so have at it! :^D


Acrid smoke stung his Aiden's eyes. His and Aiden's lungs burned as he sucked in another breath of tainted oxygen. As he raced Racing across the grassland at preternatural speed, he left small craters in the soft ground with every strike of his heels. His quarry managed to stay a few steps ahead of him and Aiden wasn't sure how much longer he could keep up this breakneck pace. Aiden knew he must catch the woman and the bundle in her arms before they (she?) reached the portal. Everything depended on it.