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Alniah
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« on: April 10, 2012, 01:41:01 PM » |
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What do you think? I have been receiving mixed responses for this opening. Should I change it?
If Russell had ordered me three years ago to climb a four story building in ninety-degree weather, I’d have told him to **** off. By now, I had learned to say “Yes, Sir” like any good Spinner and would’ve climbed a skyscraper, if there were any left.
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"If the doctor told me I had six minutes to live, I'd type a little faster." Isaac Asimov.
Born To Die (adult sci-fi) - 85K. Trunked.
The End World (YA sci-fi)- 65K. Trunked.
Nirvana Inc. (biopunk thriller) - Writing. 25K and counting.
Linked-In (YA sci-fi) - Brainstorming.
@stephaniesauvin
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Zooks
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« Reply #1 on: April 10, 2012, 01:47:05 PM » |
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How's this?
If three years ago Russell had ordered me to climb a four story building in 90 degree heat, I’d have told him to **** off. But I've learned to say, “Yes, sir”, like any good Spinner and would climb a skyscraper, if there were any left.
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GATSBY DELANEY - 7TH GRADE IMPRESARIO - MG
THE STORY OF LAUREL BLUE STONE - YA
BROGWIN FRAYNEY AND HOW HE NEARLY SAVED A KINGDOM - MG
DEATH AT THE DRIVE-IN - Fiction - Published - available on Amazon
MOTORCYCLE BABIES - YA
A SCOUNDREL'S TALE - fiction
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AnyaHarker
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« Reply #2 on: April 10, 2012, 02:10:16 PM » |
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I think it's a good opening, it just needs a little polish. My version is a bit different from Zooks, so take it or leave it!
Three years ago, if Russell had ordered me to climb a four story building in ninety-degree weather, I’d have told him to **** off. Now, if asked, I would climb even a skyscraper -- if there were any left -- like a good Spinner, with nothing more than a "Yes, Sir".
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Falen
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« Reply #3 on: April 10, 2012, 02:35:59 PM » |
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Yep i'm with Anya. I like it a lot, i just think it needs to be tightened. My contribution:
Tthree years ago If Russell had ordered me to climb a building in ninety-degree weather, I’d have told him to **** off. By now, I'd learned to say “Yes, Sir” like any good Spinner. I would’ve climbed a skyscraper, if there were any left.
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MaryL
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« Reply #4 on: April 10, 2012, 03:27:33 PM » |
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I always love your voice. I've read a couple of your things and am always impressed.  |
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SHATTERED SOULS (Penguin) available now. ASHES ON THE WAVES (Penguin) June 2013 FRAGILE SPIRITS (Penguin) 2014 THE UNDERVEIL SERIES (Entangled Publishing) Book 1-2014 Website: http://www.marylindsey.com |
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Alniah
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« Reply #5 on: April 10, 2012, 03:56:58 PM » |
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I always love your voice. I've read a couple of your things and am always impressed. Thanks MaryL, you made my day  Now, if only agents felt the same :-) |
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"If the doctor told me I had six minutes to live, I'd type a little faster." Isaac Asimov.
Born To Die (adult sci-fi) - 85K. Trunked.
The End World (YA sci-fi)- 65K. Trunked.
Nirvana Inc. (biopunk thriller) - Writing. 25K and counting.
Linked-In (YA sci-fi) - Brainstorming.
@stephaniesauvin
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MaryL
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« Reply #6 on: April 10, 2012, 03:59:52 PM » |
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They will. The deeper in I get, the more I realize timing is a major factor. Even fabulous projects have to hit the right agent at the right time. Hang in there. It only takes one. |
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SHATTERED SOULS (Penguin) available now. ASHES ON THE WAVES (Penguin) June 2013 FRAGILE SPIRITS (Penguin) 2014 THE UNDERVEIL SERIES (Entangled Publishing) Book 1-2014 Website: http://www.marylindsey.com |
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LydiaT
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« Reply #7 on: April 10, 2012, 06:28:15 PM » |
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Yep i'm with Anya. I like it a lot, i just think it needs to be tightened. My contribution:
Three years ago if Russell had ordered me to climb a building in ninety-degree weather, I’d have told him to **** off. By now, I'd learned to say “Yes, Sir” like any good Spinner. I would’ve climbed a skyscraper, if there were any left.
All of the versions were good, but I really liked this! I'd read on because I want to know what changed to make him more compliant. |
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swanndown
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« Reply #8 on: April 10, 2012, 08:05:28 PM » |
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I liked the spirit of your opening to begin with, and really like Falen's fine tuning of it. Depending on the nuance desired, you could adjust it further this tiny bit.
Three years ago If Russell had ordered me to climb a building in ninety-degree weather, I’d have told him to **** off. By now, I'd learned to say “Yes, Sir” like any good Spinner. I would’ve climbed a skyscraper for him, if there were any left.
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munley
Hero Member
Karma: 766
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Literary Fiction: Mystery
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« Reply #9 on: April 10, 2012, 10:54:15 PM » |
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Lots of good responses already. I think the verb tense in the last sentence has to be in the present, not the past, and a contraction "I'd" rather than "I would" sounds more likely from the mouth of someone who'd say "f***k off." Maybe using the word now twice would help bridge that progression of tense from past to present. For example:
If Russell had ordered me three years ago to climb a four story building in ninety-degree weather, I’d have told him to **** off. By now, I've learned to say “Yes, Sir” like any good Spinner. Now I'd climb a skyscraper -- if there were any left.But I guess that works only if your whole book is going to be told in the present tense. Think I may simply have added confusion.  Here is the original: If Russell had ordered me three years ago to climb a four story building in ninety-degree weather, I’d have told him to **** off. By now, I had learned to say “Yes, Sir” like any good Spinner and would’ve climbed a skyscraper, if there were any left. |
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« Last Edit: April 11, 2012, 04:37:37 AM by munley »
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I quietly take to the ship. -- Herman Melville
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Alniah
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« Reply #10 on: April 12, 2012, 12:29:45 PM » |
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Thank you all for the comments and the needed tightening. I knew it was needed but couldn't put my finger on it  |
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"If the doctor told me I had six minutes to live, I'd type a little faster." Isaac Asimov.
Born To Die (adult sci-fi) - 85K. Trunked.
The End World (YA sci-fi)- 65K. Trunked.
Nirvana Inc. (biopunk thriller) - Writing. 25K and counting.
Linked-In (YA sci-fi) - Brainstorming.
@stephaniesauvin
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EJ
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« Reply #11 on: April 14, 2012, 12:33:02 PM » |
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I like this! The only thing I might suggest is changing the four story building to something less, so the comparison seems more dramatic. For example: If Russell had ordered me three years ago to walk up a staircase in ninety-degree weather, I'd have told to him **** off. By now, I've learned to say "Yes, Sir" like any good Spinner. Now I'd climb a skyscraper - if there were any left. I'm sure you can come with something better, just my two cents  . |
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rnpudel
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« Reply #12 on: April 17, 2012, 10:47:25 PM » |
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Your opening is looking great. I'd keep reading a book with that opening. |
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Shattered~YA Science Fiction Romance (writing)
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Until We Meet Again~Historical Fiction
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