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Author Topic: Extraction  (Read 4061 times)
stephaniediaz
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ad astra per aspera


« on: April 10, 2012, 02:14:31 PM »

Here's my first two paragraphs, since the first is one sentence. ;)

--

Today I have to prove I deserve to stay alive.

I grip the weathered fence outside my shack and watch the reflection of the fading moon and stars in the muddy street. The smell of decay settles in my nose, but I try to ignore it. There is no time today to mourn the way I have lived for sixteen years; there is only time to escape it.
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Sarah Ahiers (Falen)
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« Reply #1 on: April 10, 2012, 02:32:51 PM »

I really like this! I didn't really find anything except for one, super persnickety thing.

When she says "There is no time today to mourn the way I have lived " That to me suggests that she's going to miss the way she's lived, not that she regrest the life she's lived.
I mean, maybe she will, it's only a pargraph so it's hard to be sure. But because of the shack and mud and decay, it definitely read to me that she had regrets about it
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MaryL
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« Reply #2 on: April 10, 2012, 03:23:54 PM »

Lots of atmosphere. I'd read on!  clap
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Zooks
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« Reply #3 on: April 10, 2012, 03:53:53 PM »

Evocative and intriguing.  Raises questions and I'd like to learn more.  Thumbs Up
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« Reply #4 on: April 10, 2012, 06:24:35 PM »

Great voice and clear writing! I really liked this!
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munley
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« Reply #5 on: April 10, 2012, 10:43:06 PM »

I like the promise of some unnamed foe out there (a person, society, some system in place) that apparently has some say on who gets to live based on whether they deserve to.

Not sure how literally to take the "smell of decay." Since it settles in her nose, it seem literal, so I wonder whether there are corpses around. Then again, it seems metaphorical, the rotten aftermath of some situation the narrator has endured for a long time, a situation that is about to end in escape.

I don't say you have to resolve this here, just giving my impression. Nicely written and suspenseful.
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