YA Paranormal - Hidden in Plain Sight Synopsis

[starbaby017]

Any and all input in greatly appreciated.     Thank you!!! 
The stuff in purple is from my Prologue.

Maddy’s mother was murdered in childbirth. A demon named Rein intended to incinerate both mother and child but, Maddy was saved by Elizabeth – an angel.  Captivated, Elizabeth seeks out the only being she knows who can help keep the infant safe – Damien.  He has expert knowledge of Rein – she’s his sister.  If they can keep Maddy hidden, she might have a shot at life.

But at sixteen years old, her life is filled with disappointment, anxiety and isolation. Though interested in academics, sports and music, Maddy does the minimum required to pass through school unnoticed. Excelling draws attention and attention spurs panic attacks. Maddy’s only refuge is sleep. Several times a month The Dream Girl visits Maddy and allows her to live a life free of her daily limitations. She’s popular, courageous and falling in love with The Dark Prince.

Her dreams and the refuge therein become even more important after attending a dangerous, frat party. Maddy catches the eye of Justin and barely escapes his brutal advances. When Justin pays her a visit at school, the party seems insignificant. Maddy watches in horror as her friends tell him everything about her, flirting and fawning over him.  Justin tells her it can all stop if she will come away with him.  He swears she will die if she refuses.

While recuperating from Justin’s threats, Maddy meets a handsome stranger named MJ. Her worries over Justin melt away with MJ’s kind words and understanding but, then the conversations grow dim when he informs her that she’s a target for a serial killer. MJ claims he’s here to protect her, but then calls her by her high school rivals name –Amber. When Maddy corrects him, MJ attempts to hypnotize her and tells her that if they ever met again, they will be strangers. With her memory still intact, Maddy watches MJ vanish into the night.

Maddy’s life becomes tangled between reality and dreams. Her dreams change and The Dark Prince begins to frighten her with a persona so twisted that Maddy suspects he might be the killer stalking her and girls like her. During the day, Justin stalks her and confesses to manipulating minds and sets Ben, Maddy’s boyfriend, to attack her.

MJ saves her from Ben and expresses feelings for Maddy but, won’t tell her what he is.

Justin patience thins and he begins a campaign of threats against Maddy’s family.  MJ promises to protect her friends and family from Justin but, in her dreams, Maddy witnesses MJ’s death.  Afraid to lose him, she races to surrender to Justin.

She finds Ben dead and fights for her life when Justin attacks her. Broken and on the verge of death, she listens to Justin reveal his secret - both he and MJ are dead. As Maddy’s life flashes before her eyes, Justin kisses her, releases her and whips her across the room and into the wall.

Maddy awakes shrouded in darkness.  Limbo.  Now that she knows MJ, Justin - and most likely The Dark Prince - are dead, freed of fear and anxiety, she sets out to find MJ and help him save Amber and stop the killer for good.


Thanks again for taking a look!

[koevoet]

First of all, in my humble opinion, you've got a great premise here and this sounds like a book I'd love to read! Having said that, here are my thoughts:

--At first glance, this synopsis reads more like a query to me, almost as if you've limited yourself to a certain amount of words and everything has to fit in
--I notice you use very short sentences in a sort of Dick and Jane format -- try using sentences of varying length by linking the shorter ones together
--You have listed ten different characters in the synopsis - Maddy's mother, Rein, Elizabeth, Maddy, the Dream Girl, The Dark Prince, Justin, MJ, Amber, and Ben. That is quite a few and it makes it difficult to follow the plot line as well as determine who the antagonist is
--the plots and subplots seem to run together -- try to make them flow better
--there are a couple of grammatical error's -- "Justin (should be Justin's) patience thins..."

I hope this helps -- like I said, I think it's a great story -- you just need to make it flow!  karma to you!

        

[starbaby017]

Thanks for your input koevoet!   
I will see what I can do about reducing the names and trying to tie it together better.

[starbaby017]

I removed a few of the nonessential characters and changed around some wording.  Does this help or does it still not flow well?
Thanks in advance!

Maddy’s mother was murdered in childbirth by a demon who intended to incinerate both mother and child but, Maddy was saved by Elizabeth – an angel.  Captivated, Elizabeth seeks out the only being she knows who can help keep the infant safe – a demon named Damien.  If they can put aside their differences and work together to keep Maddy hidden, she might have a shot at life.
At sixteen years old, Maddy’s life is filled with disappointment, anxiety and isolation. Though interested in academics, sports and music, Maddy does the minimum required to pass through school unnoticed, excelling draws attention and attention spurs panic attacks. Maddy’s only refuge is sleep. Several times a month The Dream Girl visits Maddy and allows her to live a life free of her daily limitations. She’s popular, courageous and falling in love with The Dark Prince.
Her dreams and the refuge therein become even more important after attending a dangerous, frat party. Maddy catches the eye of Justin and barely escapes his brutal advances. When Justin pays her a visit at school, Maddy watches in horror as her friends tell him everything about her - flirting and fawning over him.  Justin tells her it can all stop if she will come away with him, promising death if she refuses.  Convinced it’s a joke, Maddy ditches him but, can’t escape the feelings of dread leftover from his visit.
While recuperating from Justin’s threats, Maddy meets a handsome stranger named MJ. Her worries over Justin melt away with MJ’s kind words and understanding but, then the conversations grow dim when he informs her that she’s a target for a serial killer. MJ claims he’s here to protect her, but then calls her by her high school rivals name –Amber. When Maddy corrects him, MJ attempts to hypnotize her and tells her that if they ever met again, they will be strangers. With her memory still intact, Maddy watches MJ vanish into the night.
Maddy’s life becomes tangled between reality and dreams. Her dreams change and The Dark Prince begins to frighten her with a persona so twisted that Maddy suspects he might be the killer stalking her and girls like her. During the day, Justin’s persistence grows and he confesses to manipulating minds and sets Maddy’s ex-boyfriend, to attack her.  MJ arrives just in the nick of time and saves Maddy from him.  As grateful as Maddy is, she can’t bring herself to trust MJ, not until he tells her what he is.
Angry his plan failed, Justin begins a campaign of threats against Maddy’s family.  MJ promises to protect them from Justin but, in her dreams, Maddy witnesses MJ’s death.  Afraid to lose him, she ditches MJ and runs to surrender to Justin.
As soon as she arrives at Justin’s, she finds her ex dead.  Justin gives her a choice, submit to him or die.  Believing Justin would kill her eventually anyway, Maddy fights for her life as Justin attacks her. Broken and on the verge of death, she listens to Justin reveal his secret - both he and MJ are dead.  As Maddy’s life flashes before her eyes, Justin kisses her, releases her and whips her across the room and into the wall.
Maddy awakes shrouded in darkness.  Limbo.  Now that she knows MJ, Justin - and most likely The Dark Prince and The Dream Girl - are dead, freed of fear and anxiety, she sets out to find MJ and help him save Amber and stop the killer for good.

[koevoet]

starbaby017 - I think this is MUCH better and you're headed in the right direction!  The storyline flows much better now, but try to remove all non-essential words and correct grammar errors.  Let me take a crack at it:


Maddy’s mother was murdered in childbirth by a demon who intended to incinerate both mother and child but Maddy was saved by Elizabeth – an the angel Elizabeth.  Captivated, Elizabeth seeks Seeking out the only being she knows who can help keep the infant safe, Elizabeth searches for a demon named Damien.  If they can put aside their differences and work together to keep Maddy the child hidden, she Maddy might still have a shot at life.

At sixteen years old, Maddy’s life is filled with disappointment, anxiety and isolation. Though interested in academics, sports and music, Maddy she does performs the minimum required to pass through school unnoticed excelling draws attention and attention spurs panic attacks. Maddy’s and her only refuge is sleep.

Several times a month The Dream Girl visits Maddy, and allowing her to live a life free of her daily limitations. She’s popular, courageous and falling in love with The Dark Prince. Her refuge though dreams and the refuge therein becomes even more important after attending a dangerous, frat party. There Maddy catches the eye of Justin, and barely escaping his brutal advances. When Justin he pays her a visit at school, Maddy watches in horror is horrified when as her friends tell him everything about her - flirting and fawning over him.  Justin tells her it can all stop if she will come away with him, promising threatening death if she refuses.  Convinced it’s a joke, Maddy ditches him but can’t escape the feelings of dread leftover from his visit still haunting her.

While recuperating from Justin’s threats, Maddy meets a handsome stranger named MJ. Her worries over concerns about Justin melt away with MJ’s kind words and understanding. but, then the conversations grow dim When he informs her that she’s a target for a serial killer, MJ he claims he’s there to protect her but then calls her by her high school rivals name –Amber. When Maddy corrects him, MJ attempts to hypnotize her and tells her that if they ever met again, they the next time they meet it will be as strangers. With her memory still intact, As Maddy watches MJ vanish into the night, her memory remains intact.

Maddy’s Her life becomes tangled between reality and dreams. Her dreams change and when The Dark Prince begins to frighten her. with a persona so twisted that Maddy suspects he might be is the killer stalking her and other girls like her. During the day, Justin’s persistence grows and he confesses to manipulating minds and sets Maddy’s ex-boyfriend, to attack her.  MJ arrives just in the nick of time and saves Maddy from him.  As grateful as Maddy is, she can’t bring herself to trust MJ, not until he tells her what he is.

Angry his plan failed, Justin begins a campaign of threats against Maddy’s family.  MJ promises to protect them from Justin but in her dreams Maddy witnesses MJ’s death.  Afraid to lose of losing him, she ditches MJ, and runs to surrendering to Justin. As soon as she arrives at Justin’s, she finds her ex dead.  Justin gives her a choice, submit to him or die.  Believing Justin he would kill her eventually anyway, Maddy fights for her life as Justin attacks her. Broken and on the verge of death, she listens to hears Justin reveal his secret. Both he and MJ are dead.  As Maddy’s life flashes before her eyes, Justin kisses her, releases her and whips dragging her across the room and into the wall.

Maddy awakens, shrouded in darkness.  Limbo.   Now that she knows Knowing MJ, Justin, and most likely The Dark Prince and The Dream Girl are dead she is freed of fear and anxiety. She sets out to find MJ and help him save Amber and stop the killer for good.

These are only my suggestions and in the end, you need to make it work for you.  Well done, good luck and karma to you!

[starbaby017]

Thanks Koevoet!
Karma to you for your help!!!

How's this?

Maddy’s mother was murdered in childbirth by a demon who intended to incinerate both mother and child but Maddy was saved by the angel Elizabeth. Seeking out the only being she knows who can help keep the infant safe, Elizabeth tracks down a demon named Damien.  If they can put aside their differences and work together to keep the infant hidden, Maddy might still have a shot at life.
At sixteen, Maddy’s life is filled with disappointment, anxiety and isolation. Though interested in academics, sports and music, she performs the minimum required to pass through school unnoticed - her only refuge is sleep.
Several times a month The Dream Girl visits Maddy, allowing her to live a life free of her daily limitations. She’s popular, courageous and falling in love with The Dark Prince. Her refuge though dreams becomes even more important after attending a frat party. There Maddy catches the eye of Justin, barely escaping his brutal advances. When he pays her a visit at school, Maddy is horrified when her friends tell him everything about her.  Justin tells her it can all stop if she will come away with him, threatening death if she refuses.  Convinced it’s a joke, Maddy ditches him but can’t escape the feelings of dread still haunting her.
While recuperating from Justin’s threats, Maddy meets a handsome stranger named MJ. Her concerns about Justin melt away with MJ’s kind words and understanding. When he informs her she’s a target for a serial killer, he claims he’s there to protect her but calls her by her high school rivals name –Amber.  MJ attempts to hypnotize her and tells her the next time they meet it will be as strangers. Maddy watches MJ vanish into the night, her memory remains intact.
Her life becomes tangled between reality and dreams when The Dark Prince begins to frighten her. Maddy suspects he is the killer stalking her and other girls like her. During the day, Justin’s persistence grows and he confesses to manipulating minds and sets Maddy’s ex-boyfriend, to attack her.  MJ arrives just in the nick of time and saves Maddy from him.  As grateful as Maddy is, she can’t bring herself to trust MJ, not until he tells her what he is.
Angry his plan failed, Justin begins a campaign of threats against Maddy’s family.  MJ promises to protect them but in her dreams Maddy witnesses MJ’s death.  Afraid to lose of losing him, she ditches MJ, surrendering to Justin. As soon as she arrives at Justin’s, she finds her ex dead.  Justin gives her a choice, submit to him or die.  Believing he would kill her eventually, Maddy fights for her life as Justin attacks her. Broken and on the verge of death, she hears Justin reveal his secret. Both he and MJ are dead.  As Maddy’s life flashes before her eyes, Justin kisses her and throws her across the room and into the wall.
Maddy awakens, shrouded in darkness.  Knowing MJ, Justin, and most likely The Dark Prince and The Dream Girl are dead she is freed of fear and anxiety. She sets out to find MJ and help him save Amber and stop the killer for good.

[koevoet]

Much better!  There are just a few nitpicky, grammatical errors:

--"who intended" in the first sentence should be "intending"
--I am thinking that maybe the second "refuge" should be changed to "relief."  What do you think?
--"remains intact" should actually be "remaining intact"
--the comma and "not" should be removed after the words "bring herself to trust MJ"
--should be "Maddy witnesses his death."
--there should be a comma after "The Dream Girl are dead"


Great job, there is just one thing that bothers me -- the phrase "she ditches MJ." Would "leaves" maybe work better or some other descriptive verb?  It think "ditches" would work okay in a YA query, but not necessarily in a synopsis -- just my own personal opinion.  Great work and karma to you!

[starbaby017]

Thanks again Koevoet!  Here is another crack at it...

Maddy’s mother was murdered in childbirth by a demon intending to incinerate both mother and child but Maddy was saved by the angel Elizabeth. Seeking out the only being she knows who can help keep the infant safe, Elizabeth tracks down a demon named Damien.  If they can put aside their differences and work together to keep the infant hidden, Maddy might still have a shot at life.

At sixteen, Maddy’s life is filled with disappointment, anxiety and isolation. Though interested in academics, sports and music, she performs the minimum required to pass through school unnoticed - her only relief is sleep.

Several times a month The Dream Girl visits Maddy, allowing her to live a life free of her daily limitations. She’s popular, courageous and falling in love with The Dark Prince. Her dreams become even more of a safe haven after attending a frat party. There Maddy catches the eye of Justin, barely escaping his brutal advances. When he pays her a visit at school, Maddy is horrified when her friends tell him everything about her.  Justin tells her it can all stop if she will come away with him, threatening death if she refuses.  Convinced it’s a joke, Maddy rejects his offer, but can’t escape the feelings of dread still haunting her.

While recuperating from Justin’s threats, Maddy meets a handsome stranger named MJ. Her concerns about Justin melt away with MJ’s kind words and understanding. When he informs her she’s a target for a serial killer, her world comes crumbling down. He claims he’s there to protect her but calls her by her high school rivals name –Amber.  The truth comes out and MJ attempts to hypnotize her.  He tells her the next time they meet it will be as strangers. Maddy watches MJ vanish into the night, her memory still intact.

Her life becomes tangled between reality and dreams.  When The Dark Prince begins to frighten her, Maddy suspects he is the killer stalking her and other girls like her. During the day, Justin’s persistence grows and he confesses to manipulating minds and sets Maddy’s ex-boyfriend, to attack her.  MJ arrives just in the nick of time and saves Maddy from him.  As grateful as Maddy is, she can’t bring herself to trust MJ until he tells her what he is.

Angry his plan failed, Justin begins a campaign of threats against Maddy’s family.  MJ promises to protect them but in her dreams Maddy witnesses his death.  Afraid the dream will come true and knowing she is the only one immune to Justin’s abilities, she runs to Justin to barter for everyone else’s safety.  As soon as she arrives at Justin’s, she finds her ex dead.  Justin gives her a choice, submit to him or die.  Seeing the depths of his madness, Maddy fights for her life as Justin attacks her. Broken and on the verge of death, she hears Justin reveal his secret - both he and MJ are dead.  As Maddy’s life flashes before her eyes, Justin kisses her and throws her across the room and into the wall.

Maddy awakens, shrouded in darkness.  Knowing MJ, Justin, and most likely The Dark Prince and The Dream Girl are dead, she is freed of fear and anxiety. She sets out to find MJ and help him save Amber and stop the killer for good.

[MelanieRGolden]

I think you have a nice start here, but there seems to be too much in the first paragraph, and it gets confusing! Too many names and characters to follow...

[Mercyone]

I hope this helps. I tried to put my suggestions in red but I don't know how and everything else is in parenthesis.

Maddy’s mother was murdered during or after childbirth by a demon whose intent was to incinerate both mother and child but, Maddy was saved by an angel named Elizabeth – an angel. Captivated(What or why is she captivated?), Elizabeth seeks out the only being she knows who can help keep the infant safe – a demon named Damien. If they can put aside their differences and work together to keep Maddy hidden, she might have a chance at life.
At sixteen years old, Maddy’s life is filled with disappointment, anxiety, and isolation. Though interested in academics, sports, and music, Maddy does the minimum required? to pass through school unnoticed, excelling draws attention and attention spurs panic attacks. Maddy’s only refuge is sleep. Several times a month The Dream Girl visits Maddy and allows her to live a life free of her daily limitations. (Who is popular?) She’s popular, courageous and falling in love with The Dark Prince.
Her dreams and the refuge therein become even more important after attending a dangerous, frat party. Maddy catches the eye of Justin and barely escapes his brutal advances. When Justin pays her a visit at school, Maddy watches in horror as her friends tell him everything about her - flirting and fawning over him. Justin tells her it can all stop if she will come away with him, promising death if she refuses convinced it’s a joke, Maddy ditches him, but can’t escape the feelings of dread leftover from his visit.
While recuperating from Justin’s threats, Maddy meets a handsome stranger named MJ. Her worries over Justin melt away with MJ’s kind words and understanding (MJ’s kind words and understanding melts her worries away) but, then the conversation grow dim (becomes dark) when he informs her that she’s a target for a serial killer. MJ claims he’s here to protect her, but then calls her by her high school rivals name, –Amber (How does this sentence fit in?). When Maddy corrects him, MJ attempts to hypnotize her and tells her that if they ever met again, they will be strangers. With her memory still intact, Maddy watches MJ vanish into the night.
Maddy’s life becomes tangled between reality and dreams. Her dreams change and The Dark Prince begins to frighten her with a persona so twisted that Maddy suspects he might be the killer stalking her and girls like her. During the day, Justin’s persistence grows and he confesses to manipulating minds and sets Maddy’s ex-boyfriend, to attack her. MJ arrives just in the nick of time and saves Maddy from him. As grateful as Maddy is, she can’t bring herself to trust MJ, not until he tells her what he is.
Angry that his plan failed, Justin begins a campaign of threats against Maddy’s family. MJ promises to protect them from Justin, but in her dreams Maddy witnesses MJ’s death. Afraid to lose him, she ditches MJ and runs to surrender to Justin. (she leaves MJ and surrenders to Justin)
As soon as she arrives at Justin’s, she finds her ex dead. Justin gives her a choice, to submit to him or die. Believing Justin would kill her eventually anyway, Maddy fights for her life as Justin attacks her. Broken and on the verge of death, she listens to Justin reveal his secret (who is Justin revealing his secret to) - both he and MJ are dead. As Maddy’s life flashes before her eyes, Justin kisses her, releases her and (then) whips her across the room and into the wall.
Maddy awakes shrouded in darkness. Limbo (is she shrouded in darkness and in limbo?). Now that she knows MJ, Justin - and most likely The Dark Prince and The Dream Girl - are dead, freed of fear and anxiety, she sets out to find MJ and help him save Amber and stop the killer for good.