The Watcher

[nathanpk92]

This is the first query letter I've had to write, and I'm not sure if it's any good or not, so I'm hoping someone can give it a look and let me know what you think. Thanks!

Dear [agent's name],

   After a kitten shows up on the doorstep of Randy Marshall’s home, strange things start to happen, ultimately putting Randy’s life in jeopardy.

   The Watcher is about a cat named Anders that possesses supernatural powers, and the humans he lives with.

   The story begins with the nearly-dead Randy recording a video to warn his family about Anders and his powers. As Randy begins his tale, the novel jumps back in time to the night Randy and Anders first met. On that night, a connection is made between the two of them when Randy saves Anders’s life.

   After Anders goes home, unexplainable events start occurring, including doors opening seemingly by themselves, and Randy being stricken by a series of illnesses that will slowly deplete his energy over the course of four months.

    During those four months, Anders learns a lot about himself. He learns he is part of an ancient feline sub-species that have infinite powers. Anders also learns that he is the cause of Randy’s health problems, and if he is not careful, he could wind up killing Randy.

   Through a series of dreams and deductive work, Randy figures out what Anders is up to, but is it in time to keep Anders from killing him?

   The Watcher has 84,636 words in its completed state, and will appeal to readers who enjoy the works of Stephen King and Peter Straub.

Sincerely, [my name]
[my email address]
[my phone number]

[RedRyder]

You know, this isn't normally how query letters are written, but I totally dig it! It's unique, sets up the story, and catches my attention. I'd definitely pick this up just because the story itself is so intriguing and unusual, and your letter definitely reflects that vibe. Great job! 

I only have a couple of sugesstions. At the end of your query you stated Anders knows he has to be careful or he could kill Randy, then the next sentence is about how Randy discovers what Anders is doing but it might not be in time to keep Anders from killing him. I interpret this as Anders doesn't want to kill Randy, but in the very next sentence he does. I would tweak this a little to say something about Anders motivation, like "Anders learns he is causing Randy's illness, and if he's not careful, he could end up killing him, which would end his own life since the two are connected." Not that awkward and clunky, but you get the idea. The only other thing is to round up your word count to 85,000 words since you don't have to have an exact count listed in your letter.

Nice work with this. Do you have the first five pages posted? I'd love to get a glimpse.

[nathanpk92]

Thanks RedRyder!

No, I don't have the first five pages posted yet, but I'll go ahead and do so right now.

[HarrisSP]

Seems pretty inventive, but it doesn't flow too well for me. The fourth paragraph needs to be cut into smaller sentences. The fifth paragraph is too long...can you say all that in one sentence? Lastly, and this is more general, I feel like you give too much away in the letter. I feel like I know the whole story - even how it ends.

But I like the idea.