Sometimes you can run far enough.
At twelve years old, Judge is
brought to enlisted with a Christian Terrorist group by his desperate father. Having to Pretending to succumb to their ideology out of fear, of elaborate punishments Judge finds that his only means of escape is being their handpicked suicide bomber, chosen by God to set off a nuclear warhead in the heart of a crowded city. Unwilling to bring about the apocalypse and unable to land his violent but well-intentioned father and faux-family in jail, Judge takes the bomb and disappears, stowing away on the first vehicle he sees.
After endearing himself to a band of groupie-obsessed, drug-addeled rock stars, Judge becomes their roadie and falls in love with their strong-willed, redheaded tour manager. But when the band turns out to be every bit as sick as the group that raised him, Judge is forced to flee again. This escape lands him in the city he was supposed to destroy.
Once a figure from Judge’s past reminds him that he has the power to kill millions sitting in his backpack, Judge finds out realizes that he might never be able to run far away enough from his past.
I have earned a Bachelor of Arts and a Master of Arts degree in religion. I cut my teeth working as a staff writer for punk and hardcore webzine Decoymusic.com. Also, I have lived among both violence-prone Christian Fundamentalists and depraved, groupie-addicted, drug-addled musicians. Having experienced a life straddling two extremes, I wanted to explore the idea of how one can try to escape from their past, only to find that life might shitty all-over.
In turn raunchy, violent and poignant, RUN! is a southern dark comedy, that examines the relationships between father and son, brother and brother, and a man and his destiny. A raucous combination of Joseph Heller, Chuck Pahlahniuk and Jody Hill, RUN! is complete at 75,000 words. A complete manuscript is available at your request. Thank you for your consideration. I hope to hear from you soon.
I really like the first query better, simply because it conveys more information. However, I do think you run into synopsis territory a bit by the third paragraph - I'd be wary of trying to include all of your plot points, like the figure from Judge's past and all of the details about the musical group. I feel like you put more effort into explaining your plot than into your main character. While I'm intrigued by Judge and his escape, I don't really know why I should care about him
in particular. Maybe a bit more emphasis on character development?
Overall, it's not a bad query letter. With a few more tweaks, I'm sure it will be great.