The Watcher (Revised)

[nathanpk92]

Thank you to everyone who commented on the first draft of this query. I've taken your feedback and made some changes.

Dear [Agent's Name],

   After a kitten shows up on the doorstep of Randy Marshall’s home, strange things start to happen, ultimately putting Randy’s life in jeopardy.
   
             The Watcher is about a cat named Anders that possesses supernatural powers, and the humans he lives with.
   
             The story begins with the nearly-dead Randy recording a video to warn his family about Anders and his powers. As Randy begins his tale, the novel jumps back in time to the night Randy and Anders first met. On that night, a connection is made between the two of them when Randy saves Anders’s life.
   
             After Anders goes home, unexplainable events start occurring. Doors open and close, seemingly by themselves, and Randy is stricken by a series of illnesses that will slowly deplete his energy over the course of four months.
   
            During those four months, Anders learns a lot about himself, including that he is part of an ancient feline sub-species that have infinite powers, and that he is the cause of Randy’s health problems. Will Randy figure out what Anders is up to in time to save his life?
   
             The Watcher has 84,636 words in its completed state, and will appeal to readers who enjoy the works of Stephen King and Peter Straub.

             Thank you for your time and consideration!

             Sincerely, [my name]
             [my email address]
             [my phone number]

[Lance C.]

You need to think of this more as the back cover/dust flap copy and less like the synopsis. The idea is to tell us who the protagonists are, what has happened to change their world and what will happen if they don't fix the problem. It's a selling document, not a telling document.

Try something like this:


When Randy Marshall rescues a kitten that appears on his front doorstep, he doesn't know his kindness may kill him.

The kitten isn't any normal stray. His name is Anders, and he's a member of an ancient feline sub-species that possesses godlike powers. As a kitten, though, Anders hasn't yet learned to control his abilities <or whatever the problem is>, and his <energy aura/uncontrolled thoughts/addiction to catnip> is able to warp the fabric of reality. Soon enough, parts of Randy's house take on lives of their own, while Randy is struck by a series of mysterious illnesses that move him ever closer to death. Randy knows something changed for the worse the night he welcomed Anders into his home; now his life depends on unraveling the secrets of this kitten from hell <or whatever>.

THE WATCHER, a novel of paranormal suspense complete at 84,000 words, will appeal to fans of Stephen King and Peter Straub.


Part of the problem is that we can't tell who's the protagonist or POV character -- Randy or Anders (or both) -- nor can we tell if Anders is evil or just has self-control issues.  That's key, because it determines whether Anders is a victim or antagonist, and whether the story is Randy & Anders against the world, or Randy vs. Anders.

Good luck.

[nathanpk92]

Thanks Lance C.! I've gone back and reworked it to a format more similar to the example you gave.

I know you said something about whose POV it's from and who the protagonist is, but I'm not really sure how to work those in. Randy is the protagonist and Anders is the antagonist, however the story is told from both Randy and Anders's POV. Here's what I have so far:
             When Randy Marshall rescues a kitten that appears on his doorstep, he does not know that his kindness may kill him.
             The kitten is not a run-of-the-mill stray. His name is Anders, and he is a member of an ancient feline sub-species that possess godlike powers. Being a kitten, Anders does not yet have full control over his powers, nor does he know what all he is capable of doing with them. Soon after Anders comes to live with Randy, strange things start happening, including Randy being stricken by a series of mysterious illnesses that bring him ever closer to death. Randy knows that something changed for the worse when he brought Anders into his home, and now his life depends on learning the secrets of this evil kitten.
   The Watcher, a novel of paranormal suspense complete at 84,000 words, will appeal to fans of Stephen King and Peter Straub.
             Thank you for your time and consideration!

Thanks again for the help!

[ChokeCherry]

I definitely like your second go at this. Now just pump it up (they say around 250 words) and build in some voice from your MS. If it will appeal to Stephen King fans, I bet its packed full of suspense. Let the show in your query.


Good luck!