I’d never touched a human before. At least not intentionally, and now one hovered twenty feet from me, closer to death than life. I sighed deeply and shook my head at the predicament I’d found myself in. For me, avoiding trouble was like begging to become its victim. The more I ran the faster conflict and disorder chased after me like angry bees I’d somehow pissed off. The unconscious woman descending deeper in the dark water surrounding us confirmed my angry bee theory...in a big way.
I like the 1st sentence, then felt a bit cheated/tricked when your 2nd sentence qualified the 1st with 'not intentionally'. And the 'hovered' bit made me envision the human literally suspended in mid-air. Or is it mid-water? I like the image of being chased by angry bees but think the 'pissed off' bit is redundant. Had to read the last sentence a few times to get your meaning. I think it was the 'surrounding us' that threw me. I found this intriguing - I don't know what kind of being this is and what he/she will do - and would like to read more.
I agree with Zooks observations on your first version, esp regarding "hovered" and "surrounding us."
The second version didn't quite get there for me either. The opening narrative denies the immediacy of the scene. It's sort of like the character is watching the grass grow, rather than a human drown. Maybe that is the nature of the creature? It's hard to assess a piece like this on only one sentence.
It's cool that you have this angry bee theory, but since you are setting up an underwater environment, or at least a creature accustomed to being underwater for the moment, it felt out of place to talk about "running" from creatures on land when as a reader, I was wrapping my head around the fact you have taken me underwater.
I love mystery and am happy not knowing all the answers right off the bat, but for me, this had mixed signals and I felt it was because you wanted to work in the bee theory.
If your POV character is a water-dweller, I would uses aquatic experiences at first. Obviously, it can function on land as well because it has seen bees, but nailing me with that in the first sentence was confusing. If I'm wrong and it is only land-dweller hiding in the water, perhaps a reference to holding its breath or aching lungs would help. (I doubt this since it sighs underwater, which is one of the things that made it feel like the MC was a passive spectator).
The human sinking toward the MC is the action in this scene. You might want to describe the human (I'm not talking about her hair/eye color--I'm wondering how this being knows the human is near death. This can be done simply with the addition of only a couple of words.
This is only opinion and everyone's tastes vary. Keep up the good work! Karma for posting.