DARK WATERS YA Dark Fantasy Romance

[rnpudel]

Here's my first paragraph. I'd appreciate any thoughts, comments, suggestions. Thanks!

I’d never touched a human before. At least not intentionally, and now one hovered twenty feet from me, closer to death than life. I sighed deeply and shook my head at the predicament I’d found myself in. For me, avoiding trouble was like begging to become its victim. The more I ran the faster conflict and disorder chased after me like angry bees I’d somehow pissed off. The unconscious woman descending deeper in the dark water surrounding us confirmed my angry bee theory...in a big way.

[Zooks]

I’d never touched a human before. At least not intentionally, and now one hovered twenty feet from me, closer to death than life. I sighed deeply and shook my head at the predicament I’d found myself in. For me, avoiding trouble was like begging to become its victim. The more I ran the faster conflict and disorder chased after me like angry bees I’d somehow pissed off. The unconscious woman descending deeper in the dark water surrounding us confirmed my angry bee theory...in a big way.

I like the 1st sentence, then felt a bit cheated/tricked when your 2nd sentence qualified the 1st with 'not intentionally'. And the 'hovered' bit made me envision the human literally suspended in mid-air. Or is it mid-water?  I like the image of being chased by angry bees but think the 'pissed off' bit is redundant.  Had to read the last sentence a few times to get your meaning. I think it was the 'surrounding us' that threw me.  I found this intriguing - I don't know what kind of being this is and what he/she will do - and would like to read more.

[Ladybug]

I’d never touched a human before. At least not intentionally, and now one hovered twenty feet from me, closer to death than life. I sighed deeply and shook my head at the predicament I’d found myself in. For me, avoiding trouble was like begging to become its victim. The more I ran the faster conflict and disorder chased after me like angry bees I’d somehow pissed off. The unconscious woman descending deeper in the dark water surrounding us confirmed my angry bee theory...in a big way.

I really liked your first sentence--pulled me right in.

I also thought hovered meant the human was literally flying/levitating so that gave me a completely different first impression. You could add "hovered in the murky water" or something like that. Also, I think you need a commas in your fourth sentence so it reads more clearly.

The more I ran, the faster conflict and disorder chased after me . . .

The only other thing is I'm assuming (maybe incorrectly) the MC is a mermaid or something. Would they think of bees as a comparison? Could you use some kind of sealife for a simile instead?

Good job--I'd want to keep reading. 

[rnpudel]

Thanks so much ladies! Yes, I wondered about that hovering bit. You confirmed my suspicions. 

Should I take out the "not intentionally" sentence?

Yes and no Ladybug. I posted my query on the query review thread, and it explains there what she is. If I told you here I'd go off on a tangent. I do it often. ;) At least in the piece of my query I've got the explanation down to a few understandable sentences. 

Hum, if you'd both like to read more maybe I should get some guts and post my first five pages.  Ah, feels a little scary...

[Zooks]

Yes, post your 1st 5 pages.  Don't be scared.  We're here to help. I'd like to read them. I would take out the 'not intentionally' bit.

[rnpudel]

Okay. Will do. Thanks! I need to swallow the fear and just do it because I'm submitting my first 7 pages for a writing contest in the next few weeks. The winners will be announced at a conference I plan on attending. 

[Ladybug]

Hi--please do post your 1st five. I totally get it about being scared to--same here. 

[rnpudel]

I did. Now I wait to see what others thought. 

[juliagoesmetric]

I’d never touched a human before. At least not intentionally, and now one hovered twenty feet from me, closer to death than life. I sighed deeply and shook my head at the predicament I’d found myself in. For me, avoiding trouble was like begging to become its victim. The more I ran the faster conflict and disorder chased after me like angry bees I’d somehow pissed off. The unconscious woman descending deeper in the dark water surrounding us confirmed my angry bee theory...in a big way.


The first sentence really draws me in! But I'm confused as to what I'm supposed to be picturing when you tell me the human is "hovering". You explain it later on when you say that she's in water, but I'm not sure "hovering" effectively communicates the picture in the beginning. This is what I would say:


I’d never touched a human before. At least not intentionally. Now one was floating twenty feet from me, closer to death than life as she descended deeper in the dark water surrounding us. I sighed deeply and shook my head at the predicament I’d found myself in. Though I tried to avoid trouble it seemed to draw me in as its victim and the further I ran from conflict and disorder the faster it chased after me like a hive of angry bees.


Sorry if it seems like I re-wrote a lot. Feel free to toss out my suggestions; this is just how my brain would like to process the picture, but I really enjoy the elements you've brought to it! :D

[rnpudel]

Okay, here's the new version:

I’d never touched a human before. And now one floated twenty feet from me, inching closer to death and away from life. I sighed deeply and shook my head at the predicament I’d found myself in. For me, avoiding trouble was like begging to become its victim. The more I ran, the faster conflict and disorder chased after me like angry bees I’d somehow pissed off. The unconscious woman descending deeper in the dark water surrounding us confirmed my angry bee theory…in a big way.

[MaryL]

I’d never touched a human before. At least not intentionally, and now one hovered twenty feet from me, closer to death than life. I sighed deeply and shook my head at the predicament I’d found myself in. For me, avoiding trouble was like begging to become its victim. The more I ran the faster conflict and disorder chased after me like angry bees I’d somehow pissed off. The unconscious woman descending deeper in the dark water surrounding us confirmed my angry bee theory...in a big way.

I like the 1st sentence, then felt a bit cheated/tricked when your 2nd sentence qualified the 1st with 'not intentionally'. And the 'hovered' bit made me envision the human literally suspended in mid-air. Or is it mid-water?  I like the image of being chased by angry bees but think the 'pissed off' bit is redundant.  Had to read the last sentence a few times to get your meaning. I think it was the 'surrounding us' that threw me.  I found this intriguing - I don't know what kind of being this is and what he/she will do - and would like to read more.

I agree with Zooks observations on your first version, esp regarding "hovered" and "surrounding us."

The second version didn't quite get there for me either. The opening narrative denies the immediacy of the scene. It's sort of like the character is watching the grass grow, rather than a human drown. Maybe that is the nature of the creature? It's hard to assess a piece like this on only one sentence.

It's cool that you have this angry bee theory, but since you are setting up an underwater environment, or at least a creature accustomed to being underwater for the moment, it felt out of place to talk about "running" from creatures on land when as a reader, I was wrapping my head around the fact you have taken me underwater.

I love mystery and am happy not knowing all the answers right off the bat, but for me, this had mixed signals and I felt it was because you wanted to work in the bee theory.

If your POV character is a water-dweller, I would uses aquatic experiences at first. Obviously, it can function on land as well because it has seen bees, but nailing me with that in the first sentence was confusing. If I'm wrong and it is only land-dweller hiding in the water, perhaps a reference to holding its breath or aching lungs would help. (I doubt this since it sighs underwater, which is one of the things that made it feel like the MC was a passive spectator).

The human sinking toward the MC is the action in this scene. You might want to describe the human (I'm not talking about her hair/eye color--I'm wondering how this being knows the human is near death. This can be done simply with the addition of only a couple of words.

This is only opinion and everyone's tastes vary. Keep up the good work! Karma for posting.

[rnpudel]

I'm going to add in the second paragraph, I hope that's okay. If it still doesn't seem to make sense, I would like to know please. Thank you for your suggestions!


     I’d never touched a human before. And now one floated twenty feet from me, inching closer to death and away from life. I sighed deeply and shook my head at the predicament I’d found myself in. For me, avoiding trouble was like begging to become its victim. The more I ran, the faster conflict and disorder chased after me like angry bees I’d somehow pissed off. The unconscious woman descending deeper in the dark water surrounding us confirmed my angry bee theory…in a big way.
     My kind had strict rules about humans. Helping or befriending them was forbidden despite the fact that we lived among them. Years of being chased out of towns and forests by pitch forks and torches explained our absolute need for secrecy. Of course the humans did have a reason to hate us back then—my kind ate their men. At least until there was a rule to restrict that too. 
I peered left and then right, confirming that my sisters had freed themselves from the situation I now lingered in. 
    My eyes rested on the woman as her knee length dress billowed out around her waist and her light brown hair whispered in soft strands above her head. One single thread of red ribbon leaked from her nose in the most beautiful of ways. The rules screamed at me in my mind, but all I wanted was to stare at the majesty of what lay before me. I’d never seen a human drown before. It was magnificent. Breathtaking. Serene. She looked to be so full of peace, as though she belonged in the water.

[MaryL]

I'm going to add in the second paragraph, I hope that's okay. If it still doesn't seem to make sense, I would like to know please. Thank you for your suggestions!


     I’d never touched a human before. And now one floated twenty feet from me, inching closer to death and away from life. I sighed deeply and shook my head at the predicament I’d found myself in. For me, avoiding trouble was like begging to become its victim. The more I ran, the faster conflict and disorder chased after me like angry bees I’d somehow pissed off. The unconscious woman descending deeper in the dark water surrounding us confirmed my angry bee theory…in a big way.
     My kind had strict rules about humans. Helping or befriending them was forbidden despite the fact that we lived among them. Years of being chased out of towns and forests by pitch forks and torches explained our absolute need for secrecy. Of course the humans did have a reason to hate us back then—my kind ate their men. At least until there was a rule to restrict that too. 
I peered left and then right, confirming that my sisters had freed themselves from the situation I now lingered in. 
    My eyes rested on the woman as her knee length dress billowed out around her waist and her light brown hair whispered in soft strands above her head. One single thread of red ribbon leaked from her nose in the most beautiful of ways. The rules screamed at me in my mind, but all I wanted was to stare at the majesty of what lay before me. I’d never seen a human drown before. It was magnificent. Breathtaking. Serene. She looked to be so full of peace, as though she belonged in the water.

Yes, that helped.

[rnpudel]

Okay. So in that context it works? I'm going to conference in the fall and have to have my first 7 pages turned in before the end of the month for the conference contest. I just want to make sure it makes sense. Thanks so much for your input! 

[Nina]

I also agree that the bees took me out of the water, but it flows much better with the inclusion of the other paragraphs. Good Luck on your contest.