The Visitor Query (revised)

[RhodaWrites]

Here’s my revised query. Thank you for your feedback!

Dear Ms. Agent,

When moody Granny Makhumalo visits, eleven-year-old Yvonne knows she’ll lose her freedom. But when Mama discloses only a portion of Granny’s difficult past, Yvonne is determined to unravel the whole truth.

After uncovering a photo of Granny in tattered clothes, Yvonne believes that Granny was treated poorly as a child, so she sneaks around her and Mama to search for more evidence. When Granny forbids her to see a friend, Yvonne defies her and escapes with her friend to seek more answers about Granny’s past. She hatches a plan to get Granny out of her way and unearths a diary revealing the truth. Yvonne must sacrifice her freedom and understand Granny’s past in order to learn to love her.

Set in Zimbabwe, THE VISITOR is a middle grade novel, complete at 25,000 words.

[rachelb26]

The story sounds very interesting. I love that it is set in Zimbabwe. A few comments/questions
- Moody? Why moody? Is the grumpy? Mean? Can you give me a different adjective that gives me more?
- Losing freedom - why? She will have to watch her grandmother? Care for her? Or her grandmother will watch her like a hawk? Can you add just a few words to give me a better picture?
- The photo could also mean she was just poor as a child. What tells her specifically that she was treated poorly?

As a side note, is there anything specific to Zimbabwe that you can bring in or mention? That seems like one of the key parts - and yet without the name or the last sentence the story could be happening anywhere. Why is it set in Africa? Or what about setting it there makes this so compelling? I am sure you have a great answer. Good luck!


When moody Granny Makhumalo visits, eleven-year-old Yvonne knows she’ll lose her freedom. But when Mama discloses only a portion of Granny’s difficult past, Yvonne is determined to unravel the whole truth.

After uncovering a photo of Granny in tattered clothes, Yvonne believes that Granny was treated poorly as a child, so she sneaks around her and Mama to search for more evidence. When Granny forbids her to see a friend, Yvonne defies her and escapes with her friend to seek more answers about Granny’s past. She hatches a plan to get Granny out of her way and unearths a diary revealing the truth. Yvonne must sacrifice her freedom and understand Granny’s past in order to learn to love her.

Set in Zimbabwe, THE VISITOR is a middle grade novel, complete at 25,000 words.

[ChokeCherry]

Here’s my revised query. Thank you for your feedback!

Dear Ms. Agent,

When moodyooo.. I bet you could use a good example here -something short to show what you mean by moody. Granny Makhumalo visits, eleven-year-old Yvonne knows she’ll lose her freedomin which way?. But when Mama discloses only a portion of Granny’s difficult past, Yvonne is determined to unravel the whole truth.too vague

After uncovering a photo of Granny in tattered clothes, Yvonne believes that Granny was treated poorly as a child, so she sneaks around her and Mama to search for more evidence. When Granny forbids her to see a friend, Yvonne defies her and escapes with her friend to seek more answers about Granny’s past. She hatches a plan to get Granny out of her way and unearths a diary revealing the truth. Yvonne must sacrifice her freedom and understand Granny’s past in order to learn to love her.

Set in Zimbabwe, THE VISITOR is a middle grade novel, complete at 25,000 words.

Sounds interesting and you've got the basic idea down. It's just missing more specifics. It'd be fun to 'see' Granny's grumpiness. I bet she's got quite the character! And it'd be nice to know a little bit more about what Granny's hiding - of course, not the details, but little hints that would draw us in.

It looks like you're almost there! Good luck!

[RhodaWrites]

Thank you for your comments Rachelb26 and ChokeCherry! They are really helpful. Karma to both of you!