Thriller/intrigue - IDENTITY (take 3)

[Lance C.]

Thanks for all the help so far. Please let me know if this works.


Dear Ms. <whomever you are>,

Jake Eldar’s and Miriam Schaffer’s names may kill them.

Jake manages a bookstore in Brooklyn; Miriam is a secretary at a Philadelphia law firm. Both grew up in Israel, saw combat in the Israeli armed forces and emigrated to build new lives in America. Each has no idea the other exists…until the Israeli intelligence agency Mossad uses their identities in an operation to assassinate a high-ranking Hezbollah commander.

Now Hezbollah plans to kill both of them in revenge.

In IDENTITY, Jake, Miriam and ten other innocents in five countries wake up to find their identities stolen and their lives caught between Mossad and Hezbollah in a international game of murder and reprisal. Jake stumbles upon Hezbollah’s plot but is unable to convince the police it exists. When his wife is murdered in a botched hit meant for him, Jake joins forces with Miriam to outrun and outfight their pursuers while also protecting his young daughter. Hezbollah, however, has a fallback plan: hundreds of people on two continents will die if Jake and Miriam survive.

Complete at 118,000 words, IDENTITY is inspired by Mossad’s 2010 assassination of Mahmoud Mabhouh. It will appeal to fans of Daniel Silva’s Gabriel Allon series and Ken Follett’s stories of modern-day international intrigue, action and suspense.

I’ve enclosed <whatever you asked for>. Thank you for your time and consideration.

[dscanon1]

I haven't seen the earlier versions, but this one works from my perspective.  Good hook, concise synopsis, conflict and consequences are clear. I'd be sure to have the genre nailed down specifically. If you don't see "intrigue" as a category in Barnes and Nobles, don't claim it. It sounds like a straight up thriller to me. Best of luck!

[Zooks]

Good job.    This seems ready to go.   

in an international game

[violet]

Thanks for all the help so far. Please let me know if this works.


Dear Ms. <whomever you are>,

Jake Eldar’s and Miriam Schaffer’s names may kill them. This sentence is awkward and you say the same thing below.

Jake Eldar manages a bookstore in Brooklyn; Miriam Schaffer is a secretary at a Philadelphia law firm. Both grew up in Israel, saw combat in the Israeli armed forces and emigrated to build new lives in America. Each has no idea the other exists…until the Israeli intelligence agency Mossad uses their identities in an operation to assassinate a high-ranking Hezbollah commander.

Now Hezbollah plans to kill both of them in revenge. 

In IDENTITY, Jake, Miriam and ten other innocents in five countries wake up to find their identities stolen and their lives caught between Mossad and Hezbollah in an international game of murder and reprisal. Jake stumbles upon Hezbollah’s plot but is unable to convince the police it exists. When his wife is murdered in a botched hit meant for him, Jake joins forces with Miriam to outrun and outfight their pursuers while also protecting his young daughter. Hezbollah, however, has a fallback plan: hundreds of people on two continents will die if Jake and Miriam survive.

Complete at (it's complete or you wouldn't be querying, right?) IDENTITY is a 118,000 word Thriller inspired by Mossad’s 2010 assassination of Mahmoud Mabhouh. It will appeal to fans of Daniel Silva’s Gabriel Allon series and Ken Follett’s stories of modern-day international intrigue, action and suspense.

I’ve enclosed <whatever you asked for>. Thank you for your time and consideration.

This is so much better!  It feels more direct now as I really get a feel for who the MC's are. 

[juliagoesmetric]

This sounds great, but I have a couple things about grammar to point out:


Jake Eldar’s and Miriam Schaffer’s names may kill them.

Jake manages a bookstore in Brooklyn; Miriam is a secretary at a Philadelphia law firm. Both grew up in Israel, saw combat in the Israeli armed forces and emigrated to build new lives in America. Each has no idea the other exists… This is awkward. I would say "Neither of them know of each other's existence" until the Israeli intelligence agency Mossad uses should just be singular "use" their identities in an operation to assassinate a high-ranking Hezbollah commander.

Now Hezbollah plans to kill both of them in revenge. Try something more along the lines of "Now Hezbollah's plotting revenge against them." or "Now Hezbollah wants them dead." I would mention one or the other, since it's evident Hezbollah wants revenge if they want them dead, and if they want them dead, it's obvious they want revenge.

In IDENTITY, Jake, Miriam and ten other innocents in five countries wake up to find their identities stolen and their lives caught between Mossad and Hezbollah in a international game of murder and reprisal. Jake stumbles upon Hezbollah’s plot but is unable to convince the police it exists. When his wife is murdered in a botched hit meant for him, Jake joins forces with Miriam to outrun and outfight their pursuers while also protecting his young daughter. But Hezbollah, however, has a fallback plan: hundreds of people on two continents will die if Jake and Miriam survive.

Complete at 118,000 words, IDENTITY is inspired by Mossad’s 2010 assassination of Mahmoud Mabhouh. It will appeal to fans of Daniel Silva’s Gabriel Allon series and Ken Follett’s stories of modern-day international intrigue, action and suspense.

I’ve enclosed <whatever you asked for>. Thank you for your time and consideration.

[tlbodine]

Thanks for all the help so far. Please let me know if this works.


Dear Ms. <whomever you are>,

Jake Eldar’s and Miriam Schaffer’s names may kill them. Clearly, I read/write too much fantasy -- I took this literally and was then really confused

Jake manages a bookstore in Brooklyn; Miriam is a secretary at a Philadelphia law firm. Both grew up in Israel, saw combat in the Israeli armed forces and emigrated to build new lives in America. Each has no idea the other exists Seems a bit overwrought.  Can't just say "they don't know each other"? or "they've never met"?…until the Israeli intelligence agency Mossad uses their identities in an operation to assassinate a high-ranking Hezbollah commander.

Now Hezbollah plans to kill both of them in revenge.I can see how that would be a problem, yeah.

In IDENTITY, Jake, Miriam and ten other innocents in five countries wake up to find their identities stolen and their lives caught between Mossad and Hezbollah in a international game of murder and reprisal. Jake stumbles upon Hezbollah’s plot but is unable to convince the police it exists. When his wife is murdered in a botched hit meant for him, Jake joins forces with Miriam How did they run into each other in the first place?to outrun and outfight their pursuers while also protecting his young daughter. Hezbollah, however, has a fallback plan: hundreds of people on two continents will die if Jake and Miriam survive.Hey look, other shoe, you dropped!

Complete at 118,000 words, IDENTITY is inspired by Mossad’s 2010 assassination of Mahmoud Mabhouh. It will appeal to fans of Daniel Silva’s Gabriel Allon series and Ken Follett’s stories of modern-day international intrigue, action and suspense.

I’ve enclosed <whatever you asked for>. Thank you for your time and consideration.

First up, I am totally not the intended audience for this, so I really can't say too much about it with any authority.  It seems really solid, though.  I have a clear picture of stakes, the query moves at a brisk pace and it seems like it's probably not something that's been overdone, but I really wouldn't know that.  It seems new to *me*, anyway.

Good luck with this :D

[tenacious]

For me this was clear and snappy.  I liked the hook but after reading other people's comments think it would be best to ditch it.  -It works well without it, n better to be clear than risk confusing people.  Also think, "They never met," which someone else suggested, tightens it up nicely.  Nice job. Congrats!

[Lance C.]

Thanks all for your help!