The Death of Me (YA Paranormal)

[MrsMcDowell]

Just added this after submitting a partial to an agency. Looking for some feedback.

Tires screeched across the asphalt, thumping over the curb, flinging well-manicured grass into the air, and leaving burned black trails in their wake. A huge oak tree sprang up in the middle of the lawn, crunching the bumper in two. Glass shattered, hurtling glittering shine in every direction. A runaway branch punched through the windshield, pinning the passenger in her seat, ending her life. Death was making its rounds in the small town of Dublin, California.



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[MelanieRGolden]

Very, very nice! I can see hear, and smell everything happening here. Great work. 

[DMcWild]

Hi Amy,

I really like this. Here are my suggestions to give it even more punch. I've posted a clean version below after the edited one.

Good luck with the partial, and karma for posting your first paragraph.
 
Cheers and all the publishing best,
Don

Tires screeched across the asphalt, thumping over the curb, flinging churning (churning gives an impression of tires digging in hard. Ripping could also work. Also, the imagery of flinging is echoed (presented twice) to the reader when the sentence ends with "into the air." If you want to keep flinging, than I would suggest cutting "into the air.") well- chunks of dandelion free (dandelion free, could be dropped as maybe it's too much, but I do like how well it works with manicured, highlighting the proper suburban lawn) manicured grass into the air, and leaving burned black trails in their wake. (This line slows down the action, I would cut it. Plus you have too many ing words in the paragraph.)

A huge oak tree sprang up in the middle of the lawn, crunching the bumper in two. Glass shattered, hurtling glittering shine pain (No explanation needed pain, so works here. When this novel's published and you're rich and famous, rock bands will want to call themsevles Glittering Pain. )  in every direction. A runaway branch punched through the windshield, pinning and into the chest of the vehicle's passenger, pinning a girl in her (we don't know the person yet so girl should be used instead of her) against her seat, ending her life (This line is not needed as it kills the wham factor of the last line ). Death was making its rounds in the small town of Dublin, California.

Tires screeched across the asphalt, thumping over the curb, churning dandelion free manicured grass into the air. A huge oak tree sprang up in the middle of the lawn, crunching the bumper in two. Glass shattered, hurtling glittering pain in every direction. A runaway branch punched through the windshield, and into the chest of the vehicle's passenger, pinning a girl against her seat. Death was making its rounds in the small town of Dublin, California.

[violet]

I like this a lot but think it can be pared down a bit.

Just added this after submitting a partial to an agency. Looking for some feedback.

Tires screeched across the asphalt, thumping over the curb, flinging well-manicured grass into the air, and leaving burned black trails in their a wake of burned rubber through the well-manicured grass. A huge oak tree sprang up in the middle of the lawn, crunchinged the bumper in two, and glass shattered, hurtling glittering shine in every direction. A runaway rogue branch punched through the windshield, pinning the passenger in her seat, ending her life. Death was making its rounds in the small town of Dublin, California.---> Love this last line!



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[MrsMcDowell]

Taking a few suggestions from others.

Tires screeched across the asphalt, thumping over the curb, ripping well-manicured grass from its soil prison, and leaving burned black trails in their wake. A huge oak tree sprang up in the middle of the lawn, crunching the bumper in two. Glass shattered, hurtling glittering shine in every direction. A rogue branch punched through the windshield, pinning the passenger in her seat, ending her life. Death was making its rounds in the small town of Dublin, California.

BTW... the last line is also a favorite of mine. 

[Zooks]

Well done, Amy.  And I like Don's suggestions. Good luck with the partial.

[Nina]

I just have to say this is soo eerie! I feel like I'm being flash-backed to my car accident in which my car decided to be a tree-hugger.

[Falen]

Taking a few suggestions from others.

Tires screeched across the asphalt, thumping over the curb, ripping well-manicured grass from its soil prison, and leaving burned black trails in their wake. A huge oak tree sprang up in the middle of the lawn, crunching the bumper in two. Glass shattered, hurtling glittering shine in every direction. A rogue branch punched through the windshield, pinning the passenger in her seat, ending her life. Death was making its rounds in the small town of Dublin, California.

BTW... the last line is also a favorite of mine. 

I'd watch your adverb use - i'll highlight them. If you removed some or all of them, it could really punch this up. Also a lot of your sentences are similar A (object) does something, (adverb with further description). I'd try shaking those up a bit. Something like:

Tires screeched across the asphalt, thumping over the curb. They ripped the well-manicured grass from its soil prison as the treads burned black trails in their wake. A huge oak sprang up in the middle of the lawn. The bumper crunched in two. Glass shattered. Glittering shine hurtled in every direction. A rogue branch punched through the windshield and pinned the passenger in her seat. Death was making rounds in the small town of Dublin, California.


So i just tried to minimize the adverbs as well as change of some of the sentences to add some different rythms to the paragraph. The shorter sentences will pick up the pace and emphasize the action. Longer sentences slow things down.

But yes, that last sentence is very nice indeed. 

[Zooks]

Well done, Falen!   

[Falen]

Heh. Thanks. Anyone who's read my writing knows i'm a fan of short, choppy sentences. 
(the gun smiley seemed apropos for some reason...)

[dscanon1]

Ditto to Falen. Search for 'ly' adverbs and turn them into verbs that are strong and active. I also prefer short sentences, especially in this type of scene were tension is everything. Again, I love your concept and the last sentence is the perfect end.

[rnpudel]

Yes. I agree. When I did the "ly" search through my ms and changed them to active verbs or cut them out completely, it cleaned the story up so nicely. Makes it sparkle. 

[LateToTheParty]

Well done, Amy.  And I like Don's suggestions. Good luck with the partial.