YA WHEN EDEN FALLS query help

[iBel29]

Karma once again to you guys. I decided to take a different approach. My query is eaten up by me trying to explain too much, so I tried cutting the backstory and using one sentence to explain it. ANyway here is the new latest version. I'm thinking of changing the title, still fiddling around with it.


LATEST VERSION

Dear Agent,

Sixteen-year-old Emma Blekbyrd falls in love with a human body that’s possessed by two enemies— one wants her dead.

A species, in fear of fading away takes over human bodies by expelling their soul counterparts to its underworld.  Emma’s escape from the possession is marked by a scar that leaves her with twenty-two days before they return for her. For the first time in three years a certain boy has never been remarkable to her until now—he’s possessed by one of them. Terrified, but intrigued she’s drawn to him, learning that some of these species are friendly. The mysterious, alluring species Sam has forever kept his identity hidden. But Emma is convinced that if she uncovers his dark secret it could save her life. The closer she gets to him, the more she finds him irresistible which draws her close to the danger. Too late to turn back she’s run straight into. The human soul is unwilling to relinquish its body to Sam, and takes out its frustrations on Emma. But the one person she loves more than anything is imprisoned with the enemy in one body. Sam struggles to maintain power of the human soul’s actions, afraid that it can get enough strength to kill Emma.

Emma and Sam struggle to be together as the rules of his former world interrupt. Not only are they confronted with the darker forces on the human soul’s side but challenging it unwittingly seals their fate.






After looking at the comments, I've tried toning down the backstory and adding more of Emma's character. Hopefully it's better now. Advice appreciated

NEW VERSION

Dear Agent,

At sixteen-years-old, Emma Blekbyrd has only twenty-two days to live.

Emma sees men with wings fly from the sky, take apart her town, and snatch her neighbours. She learns that Souls have fallen from an Arcadian world known as Sublime Eden. On contact with the land they lose their bodies along with the ability to live. So, winged men create wild storms to hide the kidnappings to supply the Souls. The attacks mark Emma with a Scar that leaves her with some days before they return for her body, without her in it. But she falls in love with a Soul, Sam Wetherald, whom unknown to her, possesses her classmate, Luke, as a claim to protect her.

Emma aches to spend her last precious time with her family and her newfound relation with Sam. Her strong yearn motivates her to expose the winged men to the world. But there’s just one problem, Luke, wild with hunger for revenge holds her accountable for the possession. He goes on a murderous search for ways to make Emma pay, and is convinced that the only way to compensate for his time lost is to forcibly take her body for himself. This sudden inconvenience draws Emma’s time to a close; she must quickly decide to vacate her body by Sam’s help, fight for it and suffer the wrath it will cause. Choices require time she doesn’t have, she must kill or be killed for it.






Hi guys I had taken  a break on my query letter and decided to post two versions of it. I would appreciate the help on my query letter, on which version is better. Advice and help are appreciated, thanks in advance.



VERSION 1
Dear Agent,
 
At sixteen years old, Emma Blekbyrd only has twenty-two days to live.
 
Every winter, winged men in the skies hunt humans. When humans from Sublime Eden—an idyllic existence between sky and ocean— are thrown out for their crimes, upon contact with the land they become Souls. Without their own bodies they need human bodies to survive, so they take refuge on the island of Eden Falls, a home to a magically advanced culture, populated by Souls. Hunters fly out, creating Wild Storms to conceal their kidnapping of humans with which to supply the demand for bodies. It is on that fateful night that sixteen-year-old Emma Blekbyrd is attacked and left with a Scar, giving her only twenty-two days to live until they come back for her.
 
She meets Sam Wethereld, a Soul sent down to capture her before they do. Only problem is he hides within the body of her classmate, Luke and intends to recreate a relationship with her that he once had with his fiancé, for she shares an uncanny resemblance. The obsession to keep her safe only puts them in more danger, for Luke, having lost his body to Sam, isn’t content to wander eternity a lost-soul. His ability to hear every possible plan to save Emma, poses a challenge to the already complicated relationship between her and Sam. When Sam gets mental threats from his host, which at times physically endanger Emma’s life, she’s afraid that Luke not only has the power to disclose their plans to the Sky People but, could forcibly give her to them. The only thing she’s left to do is fight to keep her body.
 
Complete at 95,000 words, WHEN EDEN FALLS is a YA Fantasy alternating from first person narratives of the two protagonists with series potential.


OLD VERSION


Dear Agent,
 
Every winter, winged men in the skies hunt humans. Sixteen-year-old Emma Blekbyrd knows this because she was attacked--and she only has 22 days to live.

When her classmate Luke is around, her scar grows hot with pain. His touch heals the scar, and reveals she has 22 days left to live. Emma enters a whirlwind relationship with Luke, unaware that something dark has possessed him. When his possessor finally reveals himself, it is to warn Emma that the Sky People want her body for someone else. . . without her in it. Realizing that people in her town are being kidnapped to be body donors for a possession scheme, Emma struggles to trust Sam, the possessor.
 
But, the real Luke isn’t content to wander eternity a lost-soul, and being a lost-soul gives him the advantage of being able to communicate with the Sky People. His ability to hear every possible plan to save Emma, poses a challenge to the already complicated relationship between her and Sam. When Sam gets mental threats from his host, which at times physically endanger Emma’s life, she’s afraid that Luke not only has the power to disclose their plans to the Sky People but, could forcibly give her to them.
 
Complete at 95,000 words, WHEN EDEN FALLS is a YA Fantasy alternating from first person narratives of the two protagonists with series potential.
 

[daisywilbur]

I like your hook from the Old Version MUCH better, although it could use a tweak because I'm not understanding how being attacked has anything to do with having 22 days to live.  I know why from info in Version 1 that it marks her as someone to come back for... very interesting!  Could you combine these thoughts?

The terminology may be what's throwing me.  You introduce a lot of terms like Soul, sky people, lost-soul.  Make it simpler?  Winged men, hunting humans for possession.  I understand that, and think you can still make your world come alive without using your query to introduce new, specific words. 

I also thought that Luke was a good guy based on the original version, but a bad guy in Version 1. 

Overall, I think you have a better query to work with in the Old Version.  What I've read about query writing is that you have to tempt the agent into wanting to read more, but there seems to be a lot of plot in this.  It sounds like an awesome story (I'd definitely read it), but this just needs to be tightened up. 

I'm a total amateur, so feel free to ignore my comments.   

Cheers and good luck!
Oh, and if you want to repay the favor, my query is What Silence Heard.  Can you take a couple minutes and give me your thoughts?

[abbyannis]

First off, I really like your premise, but I had to read through both queries a few times before I understood what was going on. The idea of Sam being in Luke's body is interesting, and this could just be me, but I don't think the nature of their situation is being presented clearly enough. I found myself going back and forth trying to remember who was what and how they each tied into the story. Would it be possible to just present one of the names and maybe speak of the other in more general terms? Not sure if that would work. Just a thought.

Also, her knowing she only has 22 days to live based on a scar is raising a lot of questions, especially when you stated that Luke healed the scar and revealed she only had 22 days to live. At first, I thought the scar marked her for them to come back and get her, but if it's healed, she's no longer marked, right? I'm sure there's more to it, but it's not coming across. You don't have a lot of room in your query to explain it, so if you can't do it in a few words, maybe just take out the bit about the scar. Again, just a thought.

I had a few questions/thoughts as I was reading...

At sixteen years old, Emma Blekbyrd only has twenty-two days to live.
 
Every winter, winged men in the skies hunt humans. When humans from Sublime Eden—an idyllic existence between sky and ocean— are thrown out for their crimes, upon contact with the land they become Souls. Without their own bodies they need human bodies to survive, so they take refuge on the island of Eden Falls, a home to a magically advanced culture, populated by Souls. Hunters fly out, creating Wild Storms to conceal their kidnapping of humans with which to supply the demand for bodies. <The last part of this sentence is akward and a little confusing. It is on that fateful night that sixteen-year-old Emma Blekbyrd is attacked and left with a Scar, giving her only twenty-two days to live You use this twice and in such a short space it feel repetitive. until they come back for her.
 
She meets Sam Wethereld, a Soul sent down to capture her before they do. Only problem is he hides within the body of her classmate, Luke, and intends to recreate a relationship with her that he once had with his fiancé, for she shares an uncanny resemblance. <This last bit sounds too formal for a teenage girl. If possible, it's best if the query can reflect the mc's personality and her voice from the story. Way harder than it sounds, I know. The obsession to keep her safe only puts them in more danger, for "for" is confusing here. I think "because" would be clearer. Luke, having lost his body to Sam, isn’t content to wander eternity a lost-soul. His ability to hear every possible plan to save Emma, This threw me at first. I'm guessing Luke is alert and aware of everything that's happening to him. Or is he outside his body, watching? Wouldn't hurt to make this clearer. poses a challenge to the already complicated relationship between her and Sam. When Sam gets mental threats from his host, which at times physically endanger Emma’s life, How do the mental threats endanger her life? Does Sam lose control of the body during these mental threats? Is he forced to do something he wouldn't do if he were in control? Does Luke want to hurt Emma? she’s afraid that Luke not only has the power to disclose their plans to the Sky People but, could forcibly give her to them. If Luke is human, why would he hand her over? Maybe I misunderstood something? The only thing she’s left to do is fight to keep her body.

Complete at 95,000 words, WHEN EDEN FALLS is a YA Fantasy alternating from first person narratives of the two protagonists with series potential. Who are the two protagonists? Sam and Emma? Is Luke the villain or just a complication?

Every winter, winged men in the skies hunt humans. Sixteen-year-old Emma Blekbyrd knows this because she was attacked--and she only has 22 days to live. I like this hook better than the other version.

When her classmate Luke is around, her scar grows hot with pain. What scar? I know what you mean from the other query, but this is the first mention of a scar in this query. His touch heals the scar, and reveals she has 22 days left to live. Again, I think using this twice is overkill. Emma enters a whirlwind relationship with Luke, unaware that something dark has possessed him. When his possessor finally reveals himself, it is to warn Emma that the Sky People want her body for someone else. . . without her in it. Realizing that people in her town are being kidnapped to be body donors for a possession scheme, Emma struggles to trust Sam, the possessor.
 
But, the real Luke isn’t content to wander eternity a lost-soul, and being a lost-soul gives him the advantage of being able to communicate with the Sky People. This makes me think he's outside his body. Was he kicked out by Sam? His ability to hear every possible plan to save Emma, How does this ability work? Is it because he isn't tied down by a body? poses a challenge to the already complicated relationship between her and Sam. When Sam gets mental threats from his host, which at times physically endanger Emma’s life, she’s afraid that Luke not only has the power to disclose their plans to the Sky People but, could forcibly give her to them.
 
Complete at 95,000 words, WHEN EDEN FALLS is a YA Fantasy alternating from first person narratives of the two protagonists with series potential.

I don't prefer one query over the other. They both have good points. I think more than anything you just need to clarify a few of the main points and maybe cut some of the things that might be confusing and that you don't have room to explain. Of course, I've had a very long, exhausting day, so maybe my brain isn't working as well as it should.   Take what you can use from this and throw out the rest. Hope some of it helps!

Let me know if you have any questions or you need me to clarify anything. Good luck to you!

[fiddlerzvi]

Hiya  ibel,

Warning: I'm a certified curmudgeon who doesn't know as much as he thinks he does.  Take what you need and leave the rest

I think the first version is impossibly complicated.  The second is much clearer.

Sixteen-year-old Emma Blekbyrd knows this because she was attacked---specify by who (I assume it's a winged man, but it isn't clear.)

When her classmate Luke is around, her scar grows hot with pain. --- Consider: …the scar left from the attack…

reveals she has 22 days left to live. --- you already mentioned the 22 days.  I'd omit either this mention or the first.

But, the real Luke isn’t content to wander eternity a lost-soul, and being a lost-soul gives him the advantage of being able to communicate with the Sky People. His ability to hear every possible plan to save Emma, poses a challenge to the already complicated relationship between her and Sam. --- here it gets too complicated for my comfort.

Hope this is useful.  Feel free to ask followup questions. 

I have the query for my novel XENOLOGIST on the board.  If you could give your comments, that would be appreciated.

Zvi the Fiddler
fiddlerzvi@comcast.net

[iBel29]

Gosh karma to you guys for the help. Think I just rushed through the query with excitement of changing it. And I know I was trying to explain too many things. I took a while to prepare this version. What you guys think. And fiddlerzvi I'm so heading to your query

[daisywilbur]

WAY better!  Such a transformation from the first two version.  You're much more clear, I feel more connected to your protagonist, and I want to know what happens next.  I have a few specific things I'll add below, but I think you're almost there.  Great work. 

After looking at the comments, I've tried toning down the backstory and adding more of Emma's character. Hopefully it's better now. Advice appreciated

NEW VERSION

Dear Agent,

At sixteen-years-old, Emma Blekbyrd has only twenty-two days to live. I still don't know if this has the best zing for a hook.  Something wants her body... has to fight for it... falls in love with somebody who is doing the same thing to a classmate that someone wants to do to her (double standard, conflict)... to me that's what sets this story apart. 

Emma sees men with wings fly from the sky, take apart her town, and snatch her neighbours. She learns that Souls   When this is capitalized, I expected it to be a name.  I know what you mean, but I think a person reading for the first time will think name, and have to re-read. have fallen from an Arcadian Is this a term that is common knowledge?  I don't know it.  Maybe it's just me. world known as Sublime Eden. On contact with the land they lose their bodies along with the ability to live. So, winged men create wild storms to hide the kidnappings to supply the Souls. I think the information in this sentence should go after the first sentence of this paragraph.  Something like "Emma sees men with wings fly from the sky, take apart her town, and snatch her neighbors.  They need new bodies, otherwise they'll fade away and will never live again.  These Souls have fallen from... The attacks on Emma mark Emma her with a Scar that leaves her with with only twenty-two days some days before they return for her body, without her in it. I think this last bit is redundant But she falls in love with a Soul, Sam Wetherald, whom unknown to her, possesses her classmate, Luke, as a claim to protect her.

Emma aches to spend her last precious time with her family and her newfound relation with Sam. Her strong yearn motivates her to expose the winged men to the world. But there’s just one problem, Luke, wild with hunger for revenge holds her accountable for the possession. He goes on a murderous search for ways to make Emma pay, and is convinced that the only way to compensate for his time lost is to forcibly take her body for himself. This sudden inconvenience I think you need a stronger word here.  draws Emma’s time to a close; she must quickly decide to vacate her body by Sam’s help, fight for it and suffer the wrath it will cause. On a second reading I'm not sure about this sentence.  Is she choosing to vacate her body by Sam's help AND fight for it and suffer?  Or is she choosing BETWEEN vacating and fighting?Choices require time she doesn’t have, she must kill or be killed for it.
 
Complete at 95,000 words, WHEN EDEN FALLS is a YA Fantasy alternating from first person narratives of the two protagonists with series potential.
 

[iBel29]

thanks daisywilbur you've certainly made some valid points. I will re-edit it to fix the changes you suggested. You know someone actually told me that this query is so grammatically bad that I should just shelf it and my manuscript. I know that one shouldn't be broken when it comes to critiques, what do you guys think?

[daisywilbur]

Wow.  EVEN if this person is a mega-superstar published author (and I really doubt they are), there is no reason to be so harsh.  Hearing this sort of thing really bothers me, because 1) these stories are our babies, 2) if WE think the story is good enough to spend countless hours working on, who is it for someone else to judge how we spend out time?, and 3) it's not cool to damage anyone's dreams.     I got even more worked up writing that.  Phew. 

Side note: What you were told isn't a critique.  Good critiques are helpful, respectful, and you can take away some new knowledge from them. 

So, I know that's a burn, but I say just ignore the nay-sayers.  Stephen King said the first million words are just practice.  Maybe this story won't get published, but that doesn't mean it was a wasted effort on your part.  We should all just keep practicing, and hopefully we'll see each other in print one day.  It doesn't hurt anyone to dream, right?  Ignore anyone who won't be supportive. 

Easier said than done, I know.   Maybe this is why I'm so scared of letting other people read my work! 

Cheers, and I'll look forward to the next revision.   

thanks daisywilbur you've certainly made some valid points. I will re-edit it to fix the changes you suggested. You know someone actually told me that this query is so grammatically bad that I should just shelf it and my manuscript. I know that one shouldn't be broken when it comes to critiques, what do you guys think?

[tlbodine]

Apologies in advance for any snark -- no offense is meant.  Take everything with a grain of salt.  Comments are in red, thoughts will be posted below. 

After looking at the comments, I've tried toning down the backstory and adding more of Emma's character. Hopefully it's better now. Advice appreciated

NEW VERSION

Dear Agent,

At sixteen-years-old, Emma Blekbyrd has only twenty-two days to live. nice hook

Emma sees men with wings fly from the sky, take apart her town, and snatch her neighbours.I like this, too She learns that Souls have fallen from an Arcadian world known as Sublime Eden. On contact with the land they lose their bodies along with the ability to live. So, winged men create wild storms to hide the kidnappings to supply the Souls. Um, what? This is confusing to me.  Are Souls the same as winged men?The attacksWhat attack? I thought they just made storms? mark Emma with a Scar that leaves her with some days before they return for her body, without her in it. So they're marking her body so they can come back and take it?  why can't they take it right now? and where does *her* soul go?But she falls in love with a Soul,Before or after she gets attacked by winged guys? It's been a busy day for her, it seems Sam Wetherald, whom unknown to her, possesses her classmate, Luke, as a claim to protect her.The grammar goes off the rails here and I'm a bit confused again.  If Sam is possessing Luke, does that mean that Luke is dead? And why does Sam care about protecting her in the first place?  How did they come to fall for each other?

Emma aches to spend her last precious time with her family and her newfound relation with Sam. If I were her, I'd be spending that last 22 days trying to find a way to live longer, but maybe that's just meHer strong yearnPretty sure "yearn" is a verb, not a noun. The word you're looking for is "yearning" I think -- but yearning for what? motivates her to expose the winged men to the world Because they're killing people so that souls can inhabit them? Seems a bit counterproductive to me -- wouldn't that just create more souls?. But there’s just one problem, Luke, wild with hunger for revenge holds her accountable for the possession....So Luke isn't dead, then? He goes on a murderous search for ways to make Emma pay,Is her dying in 22 days not enough? and is convinced that the only way to compensate for his time lost is to forcibly take her body for himself Does he not have his own body anymore? Or did he watch Silence of the Lambs too many times?. This sudden inconvenienceI think you might be looking for a stronger word here than that.  Losing your keys is an inconvenience -- losing your body seems like a pretty big deal.  draws Emma’s time to a close; she must quickly decide to vacate her body by Sam’s help, fight for it and suffer the wrath it will cause.Um, that's not really a choice -- that's just an action plan Choices require time she doesn’t have, she must kill or be killed for it.

Reading this, I think I can see something really cool shaping up, but it's too hazy to make out.  Mostly I just feel confused about what's actually going on here.  If I'm understanding this right, some souls are booted out of Eden, and in order to survive they need to possess human bodies.  In order to cover for it, some angels come down and wage storms.  Or maybe the angels and the souls are the same thing.  Anyway, Emma gets attacked and is marked to be possessed in 22 days.  Meanwhile, her classmate has been possessed (somehow?) by a soul, Emma falls for him (the soul, not the classmate), classmate gets angry at her (?) for losing his body (?) and decides to take hers (?) instead, even though she's already marked for dead???

I think maybe you're trying to give away too much plot.  You don't have to give a full synopsis of the book in your query.  You just have to get us over the hump of the initial conflict. 
Who is the character?
What does she want?
What is stopping her from getting it? 

Those are the building blocks of any query.  Once you nail those three things, the rest should come into focus a bit clearer.

[iBel29]

Thanks, I tend to complicate many of the things I do, hopefully I've simplified it now. God someone should starting holding classes for QUERY 101
Lol thanks daisywilbur your words have cheered me up. ANd that is the best critique definition. I wasn't even bothered to check out what the guy is.

[daisywilbur]

LATEST VERSION

Dear Agent,

Sixteen-year-old Emma Blekbyrd falls in love with a human body that’s possessed by two enemies— one wants her dead.  I like where you're going with this, but this could be more clear.  Possibly something like (use more active verbs, this isn't the best...): Sixteen year old Emma Blekbyrd falls in love with Sam, someone who should be her enemy.  Though Sam tries to protect her, Emma still may not survive this romance: the guy whose body Sam has possessed wants her dead.

A species, in fear of fading away takes over human bodies by expelling their soul counterparts to its underworld.  This seems to be a cold first line.  I'd suggest going back to the 22 days to live, winged men in the skies? Emma’s escape from the possession is marked by a scar that leaves her with twenty-two days before they return for her. For the first time in three years a certain boy has never been remarkable to her until now—he’s possessed by one of them.   How would she know this?  This is a problematic sentence because you introduce a character without giving him a name, and his mention here gives him more importance than Sam, in my opinion.  Terrified, but intrigued she’s drawn to him, learning that some of these species are friendly.   Him here should refer to Sam, but you're actually referring to Luke (and the only reason I know this is from past queries).  Pronouns are a pain, but you have to make sure your use of the word "him" makes sense.  The mysterious, alluring species Sam has forever kept his identity hidden. But Emma is convinced that if she uncovers his dark secret it could save her life. The closer she gets to him, the more she finds him irresistible which draws her close to the danger. Too late to turn back she’s run straight into. These sentences aren't clear.  Mostly because of the "him" issue, and also some of your thoughts are repeating themselves.  The human soul is unwilling to relinquish its body to Sam, and takes out its frustrations on Emma. But the one person she loves more than anything is imprisoned with the enemy in one body. Sam struggles to maintain power of the human soul’s actions, afraid that it can get enough strength to kill Emma.

Emma and Sam struggle to be together as the rules of his former world interrupt. Not only are they confronted with the darker forces on the human soul’s side but challenging it unwittingly seals their fate.

Some overall thoughts: personally, I liked where you were going with your last version...  this one is all romance and the chaos from loving someone who is trying to oust another guy from his body.  Which is cool, but you lose the whole "22 days to live" thing.  You mention her scar in the first part, but then it never ties into the rest of the query. 

Try focusing on Emma being marked and not having time, Sam coming to protect her but who has to invade another body to do it, and Luke's revenge.  You don't really need to outline too many of your world's "rules" in my opinion - just stick to words we know and focus on the conflicts.  Make Emma the central character: in the one above, it seems like Sam is the one struggling the most and Emma is pretty passive. 

And yeah, if they gave a class for query writing, I'd sign up too! 

Cheers! 

[iBel29]

Thank you dw, think will take a break to sort it out. Query writing is tiring. Thanks for pointing out things I didn't see... Oh karma to you my friend
thans tlbodine, I need to switch sentences again, and explain exactly whose whom.  You've also pointed out some basic issues which I need to tackle. Karma once again.

[daisywilbur]

I took a break between my first round of queries and this next one.  It puts things in perspective.  I am much happier with this new query letter than my first, so the break worked to open my eyes a bit.  Good luck with everything!