LateToTheParty
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Stolen? If it's not nailed down, it's mine.
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« on: May 04, 2012, 03:05:51 PM » |
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Numb from a cold night slinging weed and pills on the whore stroll in Lawton, Roosevelt Prejean walked from the interstate to his mom’s house. He cut across a dark cow pasture to avoid the darker road and his neighbors’ predawn commute for hard money jobs around Fort Sill. Headlights bobbed over broken asphalt, between ink-black ditches.
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Critiques should spur growth and improvement. Neither is painless.
I don't do personal attacks, defense/debate of work or grudges.
Remember, my comment's worth exactly what you paid for it. Use it, ignore it or PM-me and I'll remove it.
Buona fortuna!
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munley
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Literary Fiction: Mystery
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« Reply #1 on: May 05, 2012, 01:14:17 PM » |
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I like this predawn opening a lot. It's got atmosphere and a sort of triangle Roosevelt is situated in the midst of -- the night scene, his mom's house, and neighbors passing by in more conventional pursuits than his. I thought he was trying to avoid being observed in headlights along that road, more than the road itself, so I juggled stuff in the last 2 sentences to strengthen that connection. If that is not what you meant, just ignore.
Numb from a cold night slinging weed and pills on the whore stroll in Lawton, Roosevelt Prejean walked from the interstate to his mom’s house. He cut across a dark cow pasture to avoid the headlights bobbing over the broken asphalt road as his neighbors set out on their predawn commute for hard money jobs around Fort Sill.
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I quietly take to the ship. -- Herman Melville
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juliagoesmetric
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« Reply #3 on: May 10, 2012, 12:11:36 PM » |
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Wowser! I don't think this is the kind of book I'd really be into. Regardless-- this first paragraph would've had me reading on, and possibly convinced me the other way! Can I just say, that I LOVED that you use of the words "weed" "pills" and "whore" then used the name "Roosevelt". To me, the name Roosevelt is a very upstanding-type name (probably has something to do with two of our presidents). The contrast between what I felt for those words and what I felt for the name Roosevelt grab my undivided attention. love it. Great job.
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LateToTheParty
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Stolen? If it's not nailed down, it's mine.
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« Reply #4 on: May 10, 2012, 01:41:00 PM » |
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Thanks for you very kind words, JGM!  I just left a thread about family not reading or "getting" what we do. To have someone, (QT is an Oprah-send) "get" my schtick is, to quote Robert B. Parker, "better than sex and almost as good as love." I chose the name to challenge both libs, (like me) and conservs, (like almost everyone else in Texas) on prejudices and presumptions. You get me!  Have a karma kookie, you're good peeps. 
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« Last Edit: May 10, 2012, 01:42:40 PM by LateToTheParty »
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Critiques should spur growth and improvement. Neither is painless.
I don't do personal attacks, defense/debate of work or grudges.
Remember, my comment's worth exactly what you paid for it. Use it, ignore it or PM-me and I'll remove it.
Buona fortuna!
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Zooks
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« Reply #5 on: May 11, 2012, 12:31:25 PM » |
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Really like it, Elias. Evocative and rife with atmosphere.  |
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GATSBY DELANEY - 7TH GRADE IMPRESARIO - MG
THE STORY OF LAUREL BLUE STONE - YA
BROGWIN FRAYNEY AND HOW HE NEARLY SAVED A KINGDOM - MG
DEATH AT THE DRIVE-IN - Fiction - Published - available on Amazon
MOTORCYCLE BABIES - YA
A SCOUNDREL'S TALE - fiction
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edelweiss
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« Reply #7 on: May 11, 2012, 04:48:55 PM » |
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That's a fine opening, Late. My only quibble (and you know I'm a quibbler) is that you don't need the comma in the last sentence. Don't spend all night on that!  |
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Clever as a Fox: Animal Intelligence and What It Can Teach Us About Ourselves (Bloomsbury USA, 2001; paperback, Harvard U. Press, 2002) Housebroken (novel) - represented by the Maria Carvainis Agency The Trail (novel) - WIP www.sonjayoerg. |
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