QUERY for Amelia and the Many Worlds

[raindrop]

I have revised this several times. The latest is in green at the bottom (page 2). Thank you.


Hi Everyone,
I think this still needs a great deal of work... I'm just at a loss with how to improve it.
Thank you for any input!

Written in the spirit of the PENDRAGON series, AMELIA AND THE MANY WORLDS is a middle grade fantasy, complete at 68,000 words.

Twelve-year old Amelia finds herself in an alternate world where everything is a little different. Able to travel to parallel worlds, and wanting only to see her dog again (still alive in another world), she is soon investigating who and what is causing catastrophes killing millions of people.

Amelia must figure out what is going on in order to save the world(s). But how is she supposed to do that when an alternate Amelia takes her place when she travels to a world, causing problems, getting her grounded, and telling her mom she’ll try out for the middle school cheer team?

She learns another Amelia believed a man named Sebastian Ivy is responsible for the catastrophes, but that Amelia died when she tried to stop him. Amelia has to decide if she wants to risk the same fate by chasing after him, or stay clear and hope he doesn’t find her world.

Complicating everything is her crush on Seb, a boy she keeps meeting in several worlds. Unfortunately, he turns out to be Sebastian Ivy’s son and even worse, she begins to suspect he may be the villain, not his father. If Amelia doesn’t try to stop Seb, she will have to watch other versions of her family and friends die over and over in alternate worlds. But if she doesn’t stop him, he might come after her and destroy her world.

[Mere Joyce]

This sounds like an interesting premise!  I have put my general thoughts on the query in red, below.  I hope they are at least somewhat useful!


Written in the spirit of the PENDRAGON series, AMELIA AND THE MANY WORLDS is a middle grade fantasy, complete at 68,000 words. (I would move this sentence to the end of the query)

Twelve-year old Amelia finds herself in an alternate world where everything is a little different. (Maybe say how she finds herself in an new world?) Able to travel to parallel worlds, and wanting only to see her dog again (still alive in another world), she is soon investigating who and what is causing catastrophes killing millions of people. (When I first read this, it sounded to me like Amelia found herself trapped in an alternate world.  However, further into the query it seems like Amelia can go back and forth between her usual world and other ones?  You might want to make this a little clearer from the start.  Also, you use the word 'world' a lot here.  Would other words like universe or dimensions also apply to the story?)

Amelia must figure out what is going on in order to save the world(s). But how is she supposed to do that when an alternate Amelia takes her place when she travels to a world, causing problems, getting her grounded, and telling her mom she’ll try out for the middle school cheer team?

She learns another Amelia believed a man named Sebastian Ivy is responsible for the catastrophes, but that Amelia died when she tried to stop him. Amelia has to decide if she wants to risk the same fate by chasing after him, or stay clear and hope he doesn’t find her world. (The multiple Amelias were really confusing to me here.  Perhaps you should explain why there are so many girls with the same name, or else eliminate using the name so much in the query?  For example, you might be able to explain that Amelia learns that Sebastian Ivy could be responsible for the catastrophes without mentioning that it was another Amelia who suspected him.  That kind of detail doesn't seem necessary for the query.)

Complicating everything is her crush on Seb, a boy she keeps meeting in several worlds. Unfortunately, he turns out to be Sebastian Ivy’s son and even worse, she begins to suspect he may be the villain, not his father. If Amelia doesn’t try to stop Seb, she will have to watch other versions of her family and friends die over and over in alternate worlds. But if she doesn’t stop him, he might come after her and destroy her world. (I think this part could be simplified a bit, something like..."Complicating everything is Amelia's crush on Seb, a boy who appears in several different worlds, and who Amelia suspects may actually be the true villain behind the catastrophes of the many worlds" ...or something like that.)

Just my thoughts...hopefully they help!  Good luck with the revisions =)

[daisywilbur]

Hi Everyone,
I think this still needs a great deal of work... I'm just at a loss with how to improve it.
Thank you for any input!

Written in the spirit of the PENDRAGON series, AMELIA AND THE MANY WORLDS is a middle grade fantasy, complete at 68,000 words.  I agree that this should go at the end. 

Twelve-year old Amelia finds herself in an alternate world where everything is a little different. Able to travel to parallel worlds, and wanting only to see her dog again (still alive in another world), she is soon investigating who and what is causing catastrophes killing millions of people.    So things are a little different, she's all innocence in wanting to see her dog again, and all of a sudden there are catastrophes killing millions of people.  Super abrupt, to me.  How about focusing only on her "travel" to these other worlds, and leave the investigative stuff for further on in the query when you bring in Seb?

Amelia must figure out what is going on in order to save the world(s). But how is she supposed to do that when an alternate Amelia takes her place when she travels to a world, causing problems, getting her grounded, and telling her mom she’ll try out for the middle school cheer team?  So there are a lot of Amelia's?  I would name anyone other than your main Amelia something to clear up this confusion.  How about actually calling her Alternate Amelia, or Other Amelia, or Doppleganger Amelia, or Past Amelia? 

She learns another Amelia believed a man named Sebastian Ivy is responsible for the catastrophes, but that Amelia died when she tried to stop him. Amelia has to decide if she wants to risk the same fate by chasing after him, or stay clear and hope he doesn’t find her world.

Complicating everything is her crush on Seb, a boy she keeps meeting in several worlds. Unfortunately, he turns out to be Sebastian Ivy’s son and even worse, she begins to suspect he may be the villain, not his father. If Amelia doesn’t try to stop Seb, she will have to watch other versions of her family and friends die over and over in alternate worlds. But if she doesn’t stop him, he might come after her and destroy her world.

This sounds like a super great story, but I don't envy you having to write a query for it!  Alternate worlds and alternate main characters must be a nightmare.  I think overall you have a good start, but the order of the information could be given better.  Start with Amelia being able to travel to different worlds, move to how she explores (this other Amelia that disrupts her life could come in here, also that she has a crush named Seb that she keeps running into), and then bring in the catastrophes and how she has to make that ultimate choice (which is great, by the way).  I think this will also clear up some of the confusion about the other Amelias.

Good luck with this!  I am no expert, so take my opinions with the proverbial salt.   

[dougie]

Okay, here's my stab at this:


Twelve-year old Amelia is finds herself in an alternate world where everything is a little different. Able able to travel to parallel worlds., and wanting only to see her dog again (still alive in another world), Soon, she is soon investigating who and what is causing the catastrophes that are killing millions of people.

Amelia must figure out what is going on in order to save the world(s). But how is she supposed to do that when an alternate Amelia takes her place when she travels to a world, causing problems, getting her grounded, and telling her mom she’ll try out for the middle school cheer team?

She learns that other "Amelias" in other parallel worlds another Amelia believed a man (is there a better way to characterize him other than, simply, "a man"-- i.e., a powerful warlord named Sebastian Ivy" or "a mysterious used car salesman named Sebastian Ivy") named Sebastian Ivy is responsible for the catastrophes, but that Amelia died when she tried to stop him. Amelia has to decide if she wants to risk the same fate by chasing after him, or stay clear and hope he doesn’t find her world.


Complicating everything is her crush on Seb, a boy she keeps meeting in several worlds. Unfortunately, he turns out to be Sebastian Ivy’s son and even worse, she begins to suspect he may be the villain, not his father [is there a better way to word this-- ie., "... suspect that he, not his father, may be the villain."] . If Amelia doesn’t try to stop Seb, she will have to watch other versions of her family and friends die over and over in alternate worlds. But if she doesn’t stop him, he might come after her and destroy her world.

------------------------------------------------------------
PS-- I really love your complicating matter of her crush on "Seb"

Good Luck!

[juliagoesmetric]

Ok. This sounds really fun! Here's my two-cents:


Written in the spirit of the PENDRAGON series, AMELIA AND THE MANY WORLDS is a middle grade fantasy, complete at 68,000 words.

Twelve-year old Amelia finds herself in an alternate world where everything is a little different. Although she like being Able to travel to parallel worlds, and wanting she really just wants only to see her dog again (still alive in another world). But she soon finds herself caught-up in she is soon investigating who and what is causing all the catastrophes (where are these catastrophes? back home? in the new world? which worlds??) killing millions of people.

Amelia must figure out what is going on in order to save the world(s). (That's a little blunt. could your raise the stakes by saying something like: "if Amelia doesn't figure it out... blah blah blah will happen! ?) But how is she supposed to do that when an alternate Amelia takes her place when she travels to a world, is causing problems in her own world, getting her grounded, and telling her mom she’ll try out for the middle school cheer team? (why is the cheer team so bad?)

She learns (from who/where?) that another Amelia (the Amelia causing problems, or yet another alternate Amelia?) believes a man named Sebastian Ivy is responsible for the catastrophes, but that Amelia died when she tried to stop him. (Okay. I'm a little lost here. How many Amelia's are there exactly? Is this a finite number?) Amelia has to decide if she wants to risk the same fate by chasing after him (just chasing after him? What's she going to do when she catches him?), or stay clear and hope he doesn’t find her world.

Complicating everything is her crush on Seb, a boy she keeps meeting in several worlds. Unfortunately, he turns out to be Sebastian Ivy’s son and even worse, she begins to suspect he may be the villain, not his father. If Amelia doesn’t try to stop Seb, she will have to watch other versions of her family and friends die over and over in alternate worlds. But if she doesn’t stop him, he might come after her and destroy her world.

Ok. so the last paragraph really threw me. If she suspects Sebastian's son Seb is now the culprit, then why does she learn from another Amelia that Sebastian is the real perpetrator? I think it just needs to be clarified that at FIRST she suspects it's Sebastian, but then realizes later it's his son Seb. Otherwise, Amelia sounds confused herself. Just like me. 

That being said, I'm serious when I'm saying that this story sounds great. I'm a firm believe that in squashing all the crap from a story into a tiny query letter, one loses all the tiny but important details that make the story flow. I think your letter just needs a little clarification and tweaking. Nothing major. Nice job!

[raindrop]

Thank you Mere Joyce, daisywilbur, dougie, and juliagoesmetric!

All of your suggestions were great and I’ve tried to work them in. Here is what I’ve come up with…


Twelve-year old Amelia comes across a pendant allowing her to travel to parallel worlds at will. At first, she is only interested in visiting her dog (still alive in one reality), but is soon caught up investigating catastrophes which have destroyed a few of the other universes. She must find out what is going on in order to save the world(s). But how is she supposed to do that when every time she travels to a parallel reality, an alternate “Amelia” takes her place, causing problems, getting her grounded, and telling her mom she’ll try out for the middle school cheer team?

Complicating everything is her friendship with Seb, a boy she keeps meeting in several of the parallel worlds and suspects may be the villain behind the deaths of millions. Even worse, she might have a little bit of a crush on him. If she doesn’t try to stop Seb, she will be forced to watch other versions of her family and friends die over and over in alternate universes. But if she does attempt to stop him, he may come after her and destroy her world.

Written in the spirit of the PENDRAGON series, AMELIA AND THE MANY WORLDS is a middle grade adventure, complete at 67,000 words.



I like daisywilbur’s idea to focus on traveling to the other worlds, meeting Seb, and other “Amelias” causing problems before getting to the catastrophes destroying universes, suspecting the villain is Seb… but can’t get it to sound okay in that order.

What do you think?
Is this any better than first version?

Thank you everyone for any and all suggestions!

[Mere Joyce]

I think this version is much better!  It cleared up the confusion I had when reading the first one. 

[daisywilbur]

This one is much better!  Just a few small things below... again, feel free to ignore!

Thank you Mere Joyce, daisywilbur, dougie, and juliagoesmetric!

All of your suggestions were great and I’ve tried to work them in. Here is what I’ve come up with…


Twelve-year old Amelia comes across a pendant allowing her to travel to parallel worlds at will. At first, she is only interested in visiting her dog (still alive in one reality), but is soon caught up investigating catastrophes which have destroyed a few of the other universes. Are they universes? or worlds?  There's a difference to me... how can you visit a destroyed universe? She must find out what is going on in order to save the world(s). But how is she supposed to do that when every time she travels to a parallel reality, an alternate “Amelia” takes her place, causing problems, getting her grounded, and telling her mom she’ll try out for the middle school cheer team?

Complicating everything is her friendship with Seb, a boy she keeps meeting in several of the parallel worlds and  whom she suspects may be the villain behind the  catastrophes that have killed millions?  I think it can be more clear that he is the one causing the catastrophes, otherwise it may read that this is a separate issue than the destroyed worlds... hopefully that makes sense?  deaths of millions. Even worse, she might have a little bit of a crush on him. If she doesn’t try to stop Seb, she will be forced to watch other versions of her family and friends die over and over in alternate universes. But if she does attempt to stop him, he may come after her and destroy her world.

Written in the spirit of the PENDRAGON series, AMELIA AND THE MANY WORLDS is a middle grade adventure, complete at 67,000 words.



I like daisywilbur’s idea to focus on traveling to the other worlds, meeting Seb, and other “Amelias” causing problems before getting to the catastrophes destroying universes, suspecting the villain is Seb… but can’t get it to sound okay in that order.

What do you think?
Is this any better than first version?

Thank you everyone for any and all suggestions!

[dougie]

I think this new version is much better.  It sounds fabulous   

[juliagoesmetric]

Yes! This is much less confusing than before! :D Can I make a couple more suggestions?

Twelve-year old Amelia comes across maybe "discovers" is a more active word? a pendant allowing her to travel to "between" ? parallel worlds at will. At first, she is only interested in visiting her dog who is still alive in one reality universe, but is soon caught up investigating catastrophes which have destroyed that are destroying a few of the other universes. She must find out what is going on in order to save the world(s) why? what will happen if she doesn't? Why doesn't she just go home and pretend like none of it's happening? Is it threatening her world too?. But how is she supposed to do that when every time she travels to a parallel reality, an alternate “Amelia” takes her place, causing problems, getting her grounded, and telling her mom she’ll try out for the middle school cheer team?

Complicating everything is her friendship with Seb, a boy she keeps meeting in several of the parallel worlds. and She suspects he may be the villain behind the deaths of millions. Even worse, she might have a little bit of realizes she has a crush on him! But If she doesn’t try to stop Seb, she will be forced to watch other versions of her family and friends die over and over in alternate universes. But if she does attempt to stop him (try to stop him, or call attention to herself?, he may come after her and destroy her world.

Written in the spirit of the PENDRAGON series, AMELIA AND THE MANY WORLDS is a middle grade adventure, complete at 67,000 words.


Keep going! It's sounding really close! :D

[raindrop]

You all are so great and I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your help!

I've tried to use your suggestions and here is my latest-- I'm trying to keep a middle school voice "feel" to it.
Do you think that is working, or should I scrap that idea?


Twelve-year old Amelia comes into possession of a pendant allowing her to travel between parallel worlds. At first, she is only interested in visiting her dog (still alive in one reality), but is soon caught up investigating catastrophes such as a super solar flare and tsunamis killing people in alternate universes. One version of her family died as she tried to save them and if she can’t find the cause, she’ll be forced to watch her family and friends die over and over in alternate universes. But how is she supposed to do that when every time she travels to a parallel reality, an alternate “Amelia” takes her place, causing problems, getting her grounded, and telling her mom she’ll try out for the middle school cheer team?

Complicating everything is her friendship with Seb, a boy she keeps meeting in several of the parallel worlds. She begins to suspect he may be the villain behind the catastrophes causing the deaths of millions. Even worse, she might have a little bit of a crush on him. Seb killed everyone in the world of the last person who tried to stop him and now Amelia must put her own world at risk if she attempts to save the world(s).

Written in the spirit of the PENDRAGON series, AMELIA AND THE MANY WORLDS is a middle grade adventure, complete at 67,000 words.

[Mere Joyce]

Even better, =).  I have a couple of little thoughts/suggestions, so they're in red again!

Twelve-year old Amelia comes into possession of a pendant allowing her to travel between parallel worlds. At first, she is only interested in visiting her dog (still alive in one reality), but is soon caught up investigating catastrophes such as a super solar flare and tsunamis killing people in alternate universes. One version of her family died as she tried to save them and if she can’t find the cause, she’ll be forced to watch her family and friends die over and over in alternate universes.(I love that you explained a bit about her family dying in one universe...that's so sad/cool!  You do, however, use the term "alternate universes" twice in a short span.  Perhaps end this sentence with something like "over and over again in each of the parallel worlds" ?) But how is she supposed to do that when every time she travels to a parallel reality, an alternate “Amelia” takes her place (back in her old world?), causing problems, getting her grounded, and telling her mom she’ll try out for the middle school cheer team?

Complicating everything is her friendship with Seb, a boy she keeps meeting in several of the parallel worlds. She begins to suspect he may be the villain behind the catastrophes causing the deaths of millions. Even worse, she might have a little bit of a crush on him. Seb killed everyone in the world of the last person who tried to stop him and now Amelia must put her own world at risk if she attempts to save the world(s).

Written in the spirit of the PENDRAGON series, AMELIA AND THE MANY WORLDS is a middle grade adventure, complete at 67,000 words.

It is definitely getting more interesting with the plot details added in!

[daisywilbur]

You all are so great and I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your help!

I've tried to use your suggestions and here is my latest-- I'm trying to keep a middle school voice "feel" to it.
Do you think that is working, or should I scrap that idea?


Twelve-year old Amelia comes into possession of a pendant allowing her to travel between parallel worlds. At first, she is only interested in visiting her dog (still alive in one reality), I don't know if this is just me, but I don't like the parenthesis... I can't say why though.  It seems to diminish the passion of the sentence, maybe?  We find out her dog is dead in her "real" world as a sort of afterthought - at least that's how parenthesis always seem to read - like it's an afterthought.  It may just be me, and I have no suggestions as to how to fix it.  Just something to think about.  but is soon caught up investigating catastrophes such as a super solar flare and tsunamis killing people in alternate universes. One version of her family died as she tried should it be "dies as she tries to save them" to make it present tense?  Or even better, something like "She watches one version of her family die when she fails to save them, and if she can't... "  to save them and if she can’t find the cause find the cause of the catastrophes?  Cause of death?  , she’ll be forced to watch her family and friends die over and over in alternate universes. But how is she supposed to do that when every time she travels to a parallel reality, an alternate “Amelia” takes her place, causing problems, getting her grounded, and telling her mom she’ll try out for the middle school cheer team?

Complicating everything is her friendship with Seb, a boy she keeps meeting in several of the parallel worlds. She begins to suspect he may be the villain behind the catastrophes causing the deaths of millions. Even worse, she might have a little bit of a crush on him. Seb killed everyone in the world of the last person who tried to stop him and now Amelia must put her own world at risk if she attempts to save the world(s). I like this sentence, but it has the word "world" in it three times.  Hmmmm... how to fix...  actually, is this sentence even necessary?  We already know her mission is to solve the problem with the catastrophes, and you've said her relationship with Seb is complicated, and that he may be the cause of the deaths... maybe it would be better to cut the last sentence and end with "even worse, she may have a little bit of crush on him.  ??

Written in the spirit of the PENDRAGON series, AMELIA AND THE MANY WORLDS is a middle grade adventure, complete at 67,000 words.

I do like this one much more, and I think you succeeded in keeping her voice in this.  Cheers!

[raindrop]

Thank you again to everyone who has given me so many great suggestions with this.
I love your ideas and think I'm close to a final product.

Here is the latest... What do you think?

Twelve-year old Amelia comes into possession of a pendant allowing her to travel between parallel worlds. At first, she is only interested in visiting her dog who remains alive in one reality, but is soon caught up investigating catastrophic events such as a super solar flare and tsunamis killing people in alternate universes. One version of her family dies as she tries to save them and if she can’t figure out the cause of the disasters, she’ll be forced to watch her family and friends die over and over in other parallel worlds. But how is she supposed to do that when every time she travels to another reality, an alternate “Amelia” takes her place in her home universe, causing problems, getting her grounded, and telling her mom she’ll try out for the middle school cheer team?

Complicating everything is her friendship with Seb, a boy she keeps meeting in the parallel realities. She begins to suspect he may be the villain behind the catastrophes causing the deaths of millions. Even worse, she might have a little bit of a crush on him. Seb killed everyone in the alternate universe of the last person who tried to stop him and now Amelia must put her own family and friends at risk if she attempts to save the world(s).

Written in the spirit of the PENDRAGON series, AMELIA AND THE MANY WORLDS is a middle grade adventure, complete at 63,000 words.
[/color]

[abbyannis]

Twelve-year-old Amelia comes into possession of a pendant allowing her to travel between parallel worlds. This sentence feels off to me, like it doesn't have enough punch to open with. I think it's the phrase "come into possession" that's weighing it down. It sounds too passive to me. How did it come into her possession? Did she steal it? Inherit it? Find it on the side of the road? It won't take much to show how she got it and I think it'll make the sentence stronger. At first, she is only interested in visiting her dog who remains alive in one reality, but is she's (for flow) soon caught up investigating catastrophic events such as a super solar flare and tsunamis killing people in alternate universes. One version of her family dies as she tries to save them and if she can’t figure out the cause of the disasters, she’ll be forced to watch her family and friends die over and over in other parallel worlds. But how is she supposed to do that when every time she travels to another reality, an alternate “Amelia” takes her place in her home universe, causing problems, getting her grounded, and telling her mom she’ll try out for the middle school cheer team? I think you need a little more info here for her motives to make sense. As it sits, my first thoughts were, Then why does she even bother going to the other worlds? Why does she put herself through watching the repeated deaths of everyone she loves? If everything is okay in her current world and leaving only causes problems, what is motivating her to go to these other worlds and get involved? I know it's her family, but the family in her reality is okay. Are they at risk too if she doesn't stop whatever it is that's causing the catastrophic events in the other worlds?

Complicating everything is her friendship with Seb, a boy she keeps meeting in the parallel realities. She begins to suspect he may be the villain "Villian" seems too blunt to me and interrupts the flow. Maybe just "one?" She begins to suspect he may be the one behind the catastrophes causing the deaths of millions. Even worse, she might have a little bit of a crush on him. I love this complication. But can you transition a little more into the next sentence? Going from she has a crush on him straight to he's a killer almost makes Amelia unsympathetic. Does she know without a doubt that he's a killer or does she just suspect it? Is she going by something he told her or a rumor? Just something to think about. Seb killed everyone in the alternate universe of the last person who tried to stop him and now Amelia must put her own family and friends at risk if she attempts to save the world(s). If it puts her real world family and friends at risk, why would she get involved? I'm not saying this isn't believable. I just think a better idea of what's motivating her will make this stronger.

Written in the spirit of the PENDRAGON series, AMELIA AND THE MANY WORLDS is a middle grade adventure, complete at 63,000 words.

This sounds like a fun story, and you're really close with your query, but I think it could be more compelling with just a little more information. All just my opinion, of course. Take what you can use and leave the rest. Let me know if you have any questions about my comments or if you need me to clarify anything. Good luck to you!