DROUGHT: YA Dystopian. first synopsis! Please help!

[juliagoesmetric]

Please help me!  Am i on the right track?  Is it too much? Too little? Anything sticking out at horrible? All comments and suggestions are welcome and taken seriously!


After the Black War, most of the earth has been rendered useless. Farms, villages, and townships no longer exist. Only autonomous mega-cities with populations of twenty million or more.

In the city of Ephax, VICTORIA NICKELS (17) is a Fifth Year student at the School of the Elite. If she passes the final exam, she’ll become an Elite and live in the lap of luxury for the rest of her life. But to pass the exam, she must inject a lower class citizen with Drought, a drug which transfers the victim’s life force to an Elite citizen, whose signs of aging will be permanently erased.

Instead of dispensing the toxin, Victoria allows the victim to escape, but is forced to join the failed students and become a Sabike, a “neo-Geisha”, hired to accompany Elites to parties. But nothing can prepare her for her first client: SEBACUS MAGNUS, the most powerful—and violent—Elite in Ephax.

After a life or death struggle, Victoria leaves him mortally wounded. Hunted down by police, she’s rescued by city terrorists led by the determined and attractive ARCTURUS. Seeing the brutality, and threat of Drought the working class citizens face every day, Victoria joins the terrorists in opposing the Elites.

But the situation takes a turn for the worse as police use bullets filled with Drought to suppress the workers’ protests and terrorist operation. And to complicate matters, Victoria also falls victim to the lethal substance—not enough to drain her of life instantaneously, but enough to make her struggle against the Elites more personal. 

Amidst the turmoil, Arcturus has fallen deeply for Victoria. She wants him too, but is torn between loving him and hating him after learning that the plot he’s crafted to destroy the Elites involves using Drought. Time to implement this plan is running, however, out after a trusted member of the terrorists, DR. BURANDTIUS, is caught revealing their plans to an Elite.

Victoria’s world couldn’t be more upside down when, during the doctor’s interrogation, she learns that he’s the original creator of Drought and that the top-secret facilities where the drug is created lies beneath the School of the Elite. But the doctor’s not done sharing yet: He informs Victoria that the Elite who’s benefitting from her death is Sebacus Magnus, who’s already put a price on her capture.

With the police bombing the workers’ district and creating pure chaos, Victoria resolves that she’ll break into the facilities and destroy Drought by herself. Passing herself off as a student, she breaks into the School and accomplishes her mission.

Locked away in prison, Victoria has all but lost hope that she’ll be rescued. But on the day of her execution, a terrorist member breaks her out while Ephax is under siege by another city’s military. Much to her horror, she learns that Arcturus has offered up the research for Drought in exchange for military aid against the Elite.

As Victoria and the terrorists are transported away from the destruction, she can’t help but wonder ominously what the leaders of this new city will do with the research for Drought.

[ChokeCherry]

Please help me!  Am i on the right track?  Is it too much? Too little? Anything sticking out at horrible? All comments and suggestions are welcome and taken seriously!


After the Black War, most of the earth has been rendered useless. Farms, villages, and townships no longer exist. Only autonomous mega-cities with populations of twenty million or more.

In the city of Ephax, VICTORIA NICKELS (17) is a Fifth Year student at the School of the Elite. If she passes the final exam, she’ll become an Elite and live in the lap of luxury for the rest of her life. But to pass the exam, she must inject a lower class citizen with Drought, a drug which transfers the victim’s life force to an Elite citizen, whose signs of aging will be permanently erased.this sentence is odd. Maybe, ....force to an Elite citizen, erasing all signs of aging permanently. (You can probably do better than me.)

Instead of dispensing the toxin, Victoria allows the victim to escapeand fails., but Along with the other is forced to join the failed students , she and becomes a Sabike, a “neo-Geisha”, hired to accompany Elites to parties. But nothing can prepare her for her first client: the first part is a little odd - I'm wondering what should prepare her? classes? SEBACUS MAGNUS, the most powerful—and violent—Elite in Ephax.

After a life or death struggle, Victoria leaves him mortally wounded. Hunted down by police, she’s rescued by city terrorists led by the determined and attractive ARCTURUS. Seeing the brutality, and threat Drought makes?the working class citizens face every day, Victoria joins the terrorists in opposing the Elites.

But the situation takes a turn for the worse as police use bullets filled with Drought to suppress the workers’ protests and terrorist operation. And to complicate matters, Victoria also falls victim to the lethal substance—not enough to drain her of life instantaneously, but enough to make her struggle against the Elites more personal.against 'the Elites more personal'? confused. 

Amidst the turmoil, Arcturus has fallen fallsdeeply in love with?for Victoria. She wants him too, but is torn between loving him and hating him after learning that the plot he’s crafted to destroy the Elites involves using Drought. Time to implement this plan is running, however, out, after a trusted member of the terrorists, DR. BURANDTIUS, is caught revealing their plans to an Elite.

Victoria’s world couldn’t be more upside down when, during the doctor’s interrogation, shevictoria learns that he’s the original creator of Drought and that the top-secret facilities where the drug is created lies beneath the School of the Elite. But the doctor’s not done sharing yet: He informs Victoria that the Elite who’s benefitting from her death is Sebacus Magnus, who’s already and he'sput a price on her capture.

With the police bombing the workers’ district and creating pure chaos, Victoria resolves that she’ll breaks into the facilities and destroys Drought by herself. Passing herself off as a student, she breaks into the School and accomplishes her mission.seems a bit redundant to first say she plans it and then immediately have her do it.maybe add here that she's captured

Locked away in prison, Victoria has all but loses hope that she’ll be rescued. But on the day of her execution, a terrorist member breaks her out while Ephax is under siege by another city’s military. Much to her horror, she learns that Arcturus has offered up the research for Drought in exchange for military aid against the Elite.


I think it's alright. Just needs a little fine tuning. Good luck!
As Victoria and the terrorists are transported away from the destruction, she can’t help but wonder ominously what the leaders of this new city will do with the research for Drought.

[juliagoesmetric]

Thanks for the suggestions! I really liked to know which parts were confusing, also. Very helpful!

[juliagoesmetric]

Ok so I've made some serious revisions. Does this sound better/more gripping/interesting?


VICTORIA NICKELS (17) knows that at twenty million citizens, the population of Ephax is getting out of hand. But that’s not her concern—She’s just trying to graduate school to become an Elite citizen and live life as one of the city’s privileged. But she never counted on being asked to euthanize a lower class citizen with a lethal injection called “Drought”.

As with each exam, an example is given, and Victoria is extremely disturbed to learn that Drought not only kills its victim, but transfers the rejuvenating qualities his life force to an Elite citizen.

She thought she’d do anything to pass the exam—but murder someone? Victoria refuses, but as a result, she fails the exam.  With the other failed students, she’s auctioned off to become a Sabike, a “neo-Geisha”, hired to accompany Elites to parties.
 
She’s doing everything she can to adapt to her new life, and participates in a stage performance that shows off up-and-coming Sabikes. But nothing can prepare her for her first client: SEBACUS MAGNUS, the most powerful—and violent—Elite in Ephax.

After a life or death struggle, Victoria leaves him mortally wounded. Hunted down by police, she’s rescued by city terrorists led by the determined and attractive ARCTURUS. They hide her from the police and are willing to help her rebuild her life if she joins them in opposing the Elites, the creators of Drought.

The situation takes a turn for the worse as police use bullets filled with Drought to suppress citizens’ protests and terrorist operations. To complicate matters, Victoria falls victim to Drought—not enough to drain her of life instantly, but enough to make her realize that time’s running out for her to destroy the drug and spare millions of citizens a torturous fate.

Amidst the city’s chaos, Arcturus has fallen deeply in love with Victoria. But she’s on the verge of hating him after learning that his plot to destroy the Elites involves using Drought. But his plans might not even come to fruition, because a trusted member of the terrorists—DR. BURANDTIUS—has been caught acting as a double-agent.

The doctor reveals that he’s the original creator of Drought. Victoria doesn’t want to hear that—and she definitely doesn’t want to believe that Drought could give the Elites eternal life if they keep using it to euthanize the lower class—But the doctor’s not done sharing yet: He informs Victoria that the Elite who’s benefitting from her death is Sebacus Magnus, and the only way to prevent her imminent death is to kill him first.

Victoria won’t be able to get close enough to Sebacus again to kill him, so instead she focuses on breaking into Drought's top-secret facilities located beneath the School of the Elite. She destroys the druge, but is captured in the process.

Now in prison, Victoria all but loses hope that she’ll be rescued. To her utter surprise—and on the day of her execution—a terrorist breaks her out while Ephax is under siege by another city’s military. To her horror, she learns that Arcturus has offered up the research for Drought in exchange for military aid, which means that despite her dangerous mission, Drought will live on.

As Victoria and the terrorists are transported away from Ephax’s destruction, she can’t help but wonder ominously what the leaders of this new city will do with it.

[ChokeCherry]

Ok so I've made some serious revisions. Does this sound better/more gripping/interesting?


VICTORIA NICKELS (17) knows that at twenty million citizens, the population of Ephax is getting out of hand. But that’s not her concern—she'sShe’s just trying to graduate school to commabecome an Elite citizen and live life as one of the city’s privileged. Butsince you just started a sentence with 'but' above, you might want to try something else. she never counted on being asked to euthanize a lower class citizen with a lethal injection called “Drought”.

As with each exam, an example is given,This first part is a little confusing and Victoria is extremely disturbed to learn that Drought not only kills its victim, but transfers the rejuvenating qualities his life forceconfusing. maybe - '...qualities of the victim's life force to...' to an Elite citizen.

She thought she’d do anything to pass the exam—but murder someone? Victoria refuses, but 'and' or new sentenceas a result, she fails the exam.  With the other failed students, she’s auctioned off to become a Sabike, a “neo-Geisha”, hired to accompany Elites to parties.
 
She’s doing everything she can to adapt to her new life, and participates in a stage performance that shows off up-and-coming Sabikes. But nothing can prepare her for her first client: SEBACUS MAGNUS, the most powerful—and violent—Elite in Ephax.

After a life or death struggle, Victoria leaves him mortally wounded. Hunted down by police, she’s rescued by city terrorists led by the determined and attractive ARCTURUS. They hide her from the police and are willing to help her rebuild her life if she joins them in opposing the Elites, the creators of Drought.

The situation takes a turn for the worse as police use bullets filled with Drought to suppress citizens’ protests and terrorist operations. To complicate matters, Victoria falls victim to Drought—not enough to drain her of life instantly, but enough to make her realize that time’s running out for her to destroy the drug and spare millions of citizens a torturous fate.this last sentence reads a bit rough

Amidst the city’s chaos, Arcturus has fallenfalls deeply in love with Victoria. But she’s on the verge of hating him after learning that his plot to destroy the Elites involves using Drought. ButWay too many 'buts' in the synopsis. his plans might not even come to fruition,no comma because a trusted member of the terrorists—DR. BURANDTIUS—has been caught acting as a double-agent.

The doctor reveals that he’s the original creator of Drought. Victoria doesn’t want to hear that—and she definitely doesn’t want to believe that Drought could give the Elites eternal life if they keep using it to euthanize the lower class—But the doctor’s not done sharing yet: He informs Victoria that the Elite who’s benefitting from her death is Sebacus Magnus, and the only way to prevent her imminent death is to kill him first. This is a gigantic sentence. I think breaking it down would help bring more clarity.

Victoria won’t be able to get close enough to Sebacus again to kill him, so instead she focuses on breaking into Drought's top-secret facilities located beneath the School of the Elite. She destroys the druge, but is captured in the process.

Now in prison, Victoria all but loses hope that she’ll be rescued. To her utter surprise—and on the day of her execution—a terrorist breaks her out while Ephax is under siege by another city’s military. To her horror, she learns that Arcturus has offered up the research for Drought in exchange for military aid, which means that despite her dangerous mission, Drought will live on.

As Victoria and the terrorists are transported away from Ephax’s destruction, she can’t help but wonder ominously what the leaders of this new city will do with it.

A little more tweeking and I think you've got it.

Good luck!