chasing eternity

[raballard]

Dear Agent,

When the Archbishop of Canterbury, one of the most powerful people of Medieval England, orders you to complete a task for him, then you by damned agree. The task, deliver a letter to the Earl of Kent. The problem: The Earl has been banished from England, and working with the Kings brother, The Duke of Normandy. Both are sworn enemies to the Crown.

The solution: Send a man that nobody will miss if captured. Enter, Colin son of Ailwen.

The problem: Pope Urban has asked for Knights to enlist and fight a holy war to rid the Holy Land from the Muslims, making pilgrimage unsafe for travel.

The solution: The Earl of Kent and the Duke of Normandy pledge an oath to God and the Holy Father, dragging an unsuspecting Colin along with them

CHASING ETERNITY is a 68,000 word historical fiction that follows Colin’s journeys through the Crusades, where he meets a dying man with a mysterious scarab necklace. The necklace, once given to Colin provides him eternal live.

The problem: There is a curse that comes with eternal life. Colin’s loved ones grow old and die, while Colin watches helpless.

I chose you because ...
Thank you

[LateToTheParty]

Dear Agent,

In Medieval England wWhen the Archbishop of Canterbury, one of the most powerful people of Medieval England, orders you NAMEto complete a task for him, then you NAME knows he'd bestby damned agree. The task, deliver a letter to the Earl of Kent. The problem: The Earl has been banished from England, and working with the Kings brother, The Duke of Normandy. Both are sworn enemies to the Crown.

The solution: Send a man that nobody will miss if captured. Enter, Colin son of Ailwen. (You've introduced three other characters, by name, BEFORE you get to your protag?)

The problem: Pope Urban has asked for Knights to enlist and fight a holy war to rid the Holy Land from the Muslims, making pilgrimage unsafe for travel (With the Pope, you're now up to five names. In a query where your objective should be: character, crisis, conflict. And, this sentence is convoluted.) Try: The church has called for Knights to drive the Muslims from the Holy Land, open up the roads for pilgrimage and ideally rob and pillage there..

The solution: The Earl of Kent and the Duke of Normandy pledge an oath to God and the Holy Father, dragging an unsuspecting Colin along with them (I would not use the problem/solution gimic.)

CHASING ETERNITY is a 68,000 word historical fiction that follows Colin’s journeys through the Crusades, where he meets a dying man with a mysterious scarab necklace. The necklace, once given to Colin provides him eternal live. (You can't introduce another plot point this deep in the query.)

The problem: There is a curse that comes with eternal life. Colin’s loved ones grow old and die, while Colin watches helpless.

I chose you because ...

Thank you

This is a story, I would love. But, your query makes me want to go read my old Statistics Textbook for a dose of get to the point. Pour out the name soup. Intro you protag in the first or second line, segue into your crisis/inciting moment and build your conflict. Buona fortuna.  

[raballard]

Dear Agent,

In Medieval England when the Archbishop of Canterbury orders Colin to complete a task for him, Colin knows he'd best by damned agree. The task, deliver a letter to the banished Earl of Kent. A traitorous task as the Earl is plotting with the Kings brother, The Duke of Normandy for the crown of England. The plot is temporarily placed on hold as the Earl and the Duke answer a call from the Church to drive the Muslims from the Holy Land.

Colin is forced to join the cause and given the duties of removing all the jewelry and valuables from the dead. Colin is given a mysterious necklace by a dying man after the destruction of Antioch. The necklace offers the bearer eternal life. A curse Colin did not wish for and a blessing Colin cannot give away.


CHASING ETERNITY is a 68,000 word adult historical fiction, and ready for your approval.

personalize as required for each agent!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you

[munley]

The story has a lot of interesting elements. I tried to rewrite the query in a way that would unify them with a sort of motif that portrays Colin as somebody who's always finding himself stuck with tasks nobody wants, and when he finally gets something everybody wants, that turns out to be a bust too.  Could be that I've completely misunderstood Colin. If so, this query wouldn't work:

Colin son of Ailwen gets the honor of delivering a letter to the Duke of Kent only because the errand is best done by someone nobody would miss if he didn't make it back. The Duke, sworn enemy to the Crown, drags Colin into the Crusades and assigns him to another job nobody wants: removing the jewelry from dead bodies. Colin's luck seems to change. An old man gives him a mysterious scarab necklace that endows him with something everybody wants, the power to live forever. But as Colin's loved ones grow old and die while he lives on . . . [finish quickly]

I chose you because you're an agent nobody would miss if you got holed up for months with my manuscript. [Sorry, couldn't resist. I'm not convinced that the highly recommended rationale for why a writer is querying a certain agent is necessary, or even a good idea.]

[JeanneG]

I chose you because you're an agent nobody would miss if you got holed up for months with my manuscript.

 

Don't I wish!

JeanneG

[raballard]

 

[ClaireM]

Hey! Your story sounds really interesting! How old is Colin? Reading your query I thought it was a book for adults. Then I saw the word count the fact that it's MG/YA. I don't think that's coming across right now, and this might well set you at a disadvantage when querying your MS. Good luck!

[raballard]

Hey! Your story sounds really interesting! How old is Colin? Reading your query I thought it was a book for adults. Then I saw the word count the fact that it's MG/YA. I don't think that's coming across right now, and this might well set you at a disadvantage when querying your MS. Good luck!

Colin is 31 when the dying man gives him the talisman and Eternal life. The book centers around the Americas from 1754-1820 and the day after Lincoln's assassination.
His actual age varies, but he is now and forever 31.

The first 5 pages have been posted in another thread.
First Five Page thread lol

[ClaireM]

OK! Makes more sense. But in that case your word count seems a bit low for adult historical fiction. Course rules are made to be broken, but may be worth looking into further. (It's not my genre so I'm no expert, but I always got the impression historical fiction was usually at the higher end of the word count...)

[raballard]

I made my query much shorter. I believe this will give any agent more time to hone their form letter writing skills.

Dear Agent,

Immortality is a curse. Colin should know. He's survived the Crusades, wars, and the Bubonic Plague. But grief might just kill him

Colin is forced to join the first Crusades and given the duties of removing all the jewelry and valuables from the dead. Colin is given a mysterious necklace by a dying man after the destruction of Antioch. The necklace offers the bearer eternal life. A curse Colin did not wish for and a blessing Colin cannot give away.


CHASING ETERNITY is a 68,000 word historical fiction, and ready for your approval.
My only qualification for writing is my love for the craft.




Thank you

[Zooks]

Just curious why the dying man with the eternal-life necklace would be dying??  And if he could give it to Colin, why can't Colin give it away?  Good luck with this.

[raballard]

That's a very good question and one I had not thought of. I suppose even Immortality can be brought to an end when arrows, and Templar Knights are involved.

Colin meets his end when he happens to be in the wrong place at the right time. He is no match for terrorists intent on the distruction of a couple of New York towers.

I don't mean to be flipant, I really do appreciate the question

[raballard]

Dear Agent of death,

I am seeking representation for my novel, CHASING ETERNITY

I would think the curse of immortally would be self-evident. The bearer of such an affliction would never age, while his loved ones would age and die before his very eyes, but there are enough blessings to make the pain worthwhile.

Colin should know. He has survived the Crusades, the Bubonic Plague, Wars and Peace. But this time grief might just kill him.

Colin is forced to join the first Crusades and given the duties of removing all the jewelry and valuables from the dead. He is given a mysterious necklace by a dying man after the
destruction of Antioch. The necklace offers the bearer immortality. A curse he did not wish for and a blessing that cannot be given away.

CHASING ETERNITY is a Historical Fiction. I will send you the 73,000 word manuscript upon your request

I chose you because of your impressive, none response record. Any agent so callased, piques my interest, but of course I am a writer and prone to long episodes of insanity.

Thank you for your time and consideration.                    .

Sincerely,

REVISED FOR THE BILLIONTH TIME, WILL POST LATER

[Zooks]

raballard - Please take my comments with a grain of salt.  Just trying to be helpful.  Ignore at will.  Good luck with this.     karma for perseverance.


I am seeking representation for my novel, CHASING ETERNITY - they know this - save the words to show us more of the story.


I would think the curse of immortally would be self-evident. The bearer of such an affliction would never age, while his loved ones would age and die before his very eyes, but there are enough blessings to make the pain worthwhile. this is telling.  Show us something about your MC.  What is the inciting incident?  Where is the hook to grab the agent's attention?

Colin should know. He has survived the Crusades, the Bubonic Plague, Wars and Peace. But this time grief might just kill him.

Colin is forced to join the first Crusades and given the duties of removing all the jewelry and valuables from the dead. He is given a mysterious necklace by a dying man after the destruction of Antioch. The necklace offers the bearer immortality. A curse he did not wish for and a blessing that cannot be given away. Again, if the dying man could give it to Colin, why can't Colin give it away?  This is contradictory.  This query is about 150 words.  You've got about 100 more to play with - SHOW us your MC, your inciting incident, voice.

CHASING ETERNITY is 73,000 words of Historical Fiction.

Thank you for your time and consideration.                    .

[raballard]

Dear Agent of death’s, understudy Ms. Doom, (I of course change this)

CHASING ETERNITY is a 75000 word Historical Fiction

800 years ago the curse of the necklace given to him by a dying man during the Crusades brought Colin's aging to a stop. Now, he's in 1865, after seeing everyone he loved perish. The day after Lincoln's assassination, immortal Colin Harcourt befriends Grant and trusts him with his story that spans centuries. From William the Conqueror butchering England in 1066 to the founding of a new nation, The United States of America.

His story reflects little known facts of Americana.

Colin is forced to join the first Crusades and given the duties of removing all the jewelry and valuables from the dead. The rest of the story is, as they say, history.

I am a member of Springfield Writer’s Guild. I have written one other Historical Fiction novel a middle-grade fantasy and one collection of poetry.

Thank you for your time and consideration.                    .
Sincerely,