YA Epic Fantasy - Elven Soul

[RachelxRussell]

Dear Ms./Mr. Agent Name:

Seventeen-year-old exiled Princess Colette Devereaux must forge an alliance with her brother's killer to save her empire from slavery or face her own ruin.

Sent to the empire's furthest fortification, Colette takes command of the Ruintine, an outpost surrounded by hostile neighbors. When she stumbles upon a battlefield of beautiful creatures cast in marble, she must unravel haunting memories not of her own if she wishes to understand who she once was. Her troubles only worsen when she feels an attraction toward the man who murdered her brother, Lord Gregorin Balanos.

After her second-in-command departs to investigate attacks on outlying villages, and her tutor turned surrogate father disappears, Colette has to fend off her father's retribution alone. Colette is soon catapulted into a centuries old war when she is kidnapped, and taken into a land of myth and monsters. With no allies, she must rely on Gregorin to ride to her rescue. If Colette cannot embrace her true self and heal the wounds of the past, then her empire will fall.

ELVEN SOUL is a YA epic fantasy novel complete at 84,000 words. ELVEN SOUL will appeal to readers who enjoyed the complexity and romance of The Blue Sword, and also to those who favored the fast-paced action and brutality of Graceling. Those who enjoy reading realistic battle scenes will appreciate that all fights in ELVEN SOUL were based off of 14th century swordmaster Johannes Liechtenauer's teachings.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Rachel Russell

------

Any and all help will be greatly appreciated. If you have a query posted on here, I will be more than happy to reciprocate the favor.

[LateToTheParty]

Dear Ms./Mr. Agent Name:

Seventeen-year-old exiled Princess Colette Devereaux must forge an alliance with her brother's killer to save her empire from slavery or face her own ruin. (I don't like hook lines, but this doesn't suck.)

Sent to the empire's furthest fortification, Colette takes command of the Ruintine, an outpost surrounded by hostile neighbors. When she stumbles upon a battlefield of beautiful creatures cast in marble, she must unravel haunting memories not of her own if she wishes to understand who she once was (This reads awkward.) Try: --she catches a glimpse of another life, of another her and she must unravel the fits of memories to learn who she once was.. Haunted by other lives, Collette is blindsided by er troubles only worsen when she feels an attraction toward the man who murdered her brother, Lord Gregorin Balanos.

After her second-in-command departs to investigate attacks on outlying villages, and her tutor turned surrogate father disappears, Colette has to fend off her father's retribution alone. Colette is soon catapulted into a centuries old war when she is kidnapped, and taken into a land of myth and monsters. With no allies, she must rely on Gregorin to ride to her rescue. If Colette cannot embrace her true self and heal the wounds of the past, then her empire will fall.

ELVEN SOUL is a YA epic fantasy novel complete at 84,000 words. ELVEN SOUL will appeal to readers who enjoyed the complexity and romance of The Blue Sword, and also to those who favored the fast-paced action and brutality of Graceling (I'm not a fan of comparisons but I'd hold it to short and concise.). Those who enjoy reading realistic battle scenes will appreciate that all fights in ELVEN SOUL were based off of 14th century swordmaster Johannes Liechtenauer's teachings.
Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Rachel Russell

------

Any and all help will be greatly appreciated. If you have a query posted on here, I will be more than happy to reciprocate the favor.

This reads fun. Your query is short but still wants for cutting. Ideally, you'll intro your protag, segue into your crisis/inciting moment and build on conflict spanning your first 30-50 pages and not to exceed the first third of your book. I cut names to avoid a page of name soup. Buona fortuna. 

[rachelb26]

Thanks for the comments on MADNESS. Below my thoughts... hope these help. I am not too familiar with the genre.


Seventeen-year-old exiled Princess Colette Devereaux must forge an alliance with her brother's killer to save her empire from slavery or face her own ruin. (I really like this sentence- clear and concise. Sets things up well.)

Sent to the empire's furthest fortification, Colette takes command of the Ruintine, an outpost surrounded by hostile neighbors. When she stumbles upon a battlefield of beautiful creatures cast in marble (and can you explain how these connect to the memories? The 2nd part of this sentence is confusing), she must unravel haunting memories not of her own (stories/ tales? Any other way to describe?) if she wishes to understand who she once was. Her troubles only worsen when she feels an attraction toward the man who murdered her brother, Lord Gregorin Balanos.

After her second-in-command departs to investigate attacks on outlying villages, and her tutor turned surrogate father disappears, Colette has to fend off her father's retribution alone. Colette is soon catapulted into a centuries old war when she is kidnapped, and taken into a land of myth and monsters. With no allies, she must rely on Gregorin to ride to her rescue. If Colette cannot embrace her true self and heal the wounds of the past, then her empire will fall (this last sentence seems vague. Why doesn't she know her true self? Can you name just one specific wound here? Just seems like you are alluding to many things and one solid idea would be more helpful to hold onto).

ELVEN SOUL is a YA epic fantasy novel complete at 84,000 words. ELVEN SOUL will appeal to readers who enjoyed the complexity and romance of The Blue Sword, and also to those who favored the fast-paced action and brutality of Graceling. Those who enjoy reading realistic battle scenes will appreciate that all fights in ELVEN SOUL were based off of 14th century swordmaster Johannes Liechtenauer's teachings.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Rachel Russell

[RachelxRussell]

Glad to see this is down to just a few small tweaks! I've revised this sucker so many times, and had critique partners shred it to bits many a time. Let's see if this version is a bit more concise. I tried to address what I could. With regards to the book comparisons at the end, I kept it in as is because I went around and asked about ten agents on twitter (some I've already queried, some I intend to yet) what their thoughts were on the subject. They said they preferred book comparisons, so long as it was accurate and detailed specific characteristics of that book which relate to your own.

Any and all feedback appreciated! If you have a query you'd like me to look at in return, lemme know.

----

Dear Ms./Mr. Agent Name:

Seventeen-year-old exiled Princess Colette Devereaux must forge an alliance with her brother's killer to save her empire from slavery or face her own ruin.

Sent to take command of the empire's furthest fortification surrounded by hostile neighbors, Colette stumbles upon a battlefield of beautiful creatures cast in marble. Faced with proof of a forgotten age, fitful glimpses of another life are triggered. Obsessed with unraveling the strange visions, Colette's troubles worsen as she develops an attraction for the man who murdered her brother, Lord Gregorin Balanos.

Wounded by a retributive strike from her father, Colette is catapulted into a centuries old war when she is kidnapped, and taken into a land of myth and monsters. With no allies, she must rely on Gregorin to ride to her rescue. If Colette cannot embrace her true self and heal the wounds of the past, then her empire will fall.

ELVEN SOUL is a YA epic fantasy novel complete at 84,000 words. ELVEN SOUL will appeal to readers who enjoyed the complexity and romance of The Blue Sword, and also to those who favored the fast-paced action and brutality of Graceling. Those who enjoy reading realistic battle scenes will appreciate that all fights in ELVEN SOUL were based off of 14th century swordmaster Johannes Liechtenauer's teachings.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Rachel Russell

[RachelxRussell]

Anyone care to shred this to bits for me? Or does it look pretty decent as is?

[LateToTheParty]

Dear Ms./Mr. Agent Name:

Seventeen-year-old exiled Princess Colette Devereaux must forge an alliance with her brother's killer to save her empire from slavery or face her own ruin.

Sent to take command of the empire's furthest fortification surrounded by hostile neighbors, Colette stumbles upon a battlefield of beautiful creatures cast in marble. Faced with proof of a forgotten age, fitful glimpses of another life are triggered (Passive and you want agressive. Really I don't like the sentence at all.) Try: Windows on a forgotten age, the statues trigger glimpses of another life.. Obsessed with unraveling the strange visions, Colette's troubles worsen as she develops an attraction for the man who murdered her brother, Lord Gregorin Balanos. (Really, I'd kinda strike this infavor of him riding to the rescue in your next paragraph.)

Wounded by a retributive strike from in a battle with(You really want direct here.)her father, Colette is captured. (The details are for your MS.) catapulted into a centuries old war when she is kidnapped,  and taken into a land of myth and monsters. With no allies, she must rely onShe is shocked when Lord Gregorin Balanos, the man who murdered her brother to rides to her rescue. If Colette cannot embrace her true self and heal the wounds of the past, then her empire will fall. (The last sentence swings out of the trees.) Try: Her shock only deepens when he tells her that if she cannot embrace her forgotten past, to heal a world of myth and monsters, her people will fall.

ELVEN SOUL is a YA epic fantasy novel complete at 84,000 words. ELVEN SOUL will appeal to readers who enjoyed the complexity and romance of The Blue Sword, and also to those who favored the fast-paced action and brutality of Graceling. Those who enjoy reading realistic battle scenes will appreciate that all fights in ELVEN SOUL were based off of 14th century swordmaster Johannes Liechtenauer's teachings. (And, I still don't like this.)

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Rachel Russell

You're getting closer, RR. Buona fortuna.