rachelb26
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« Reply #15 on: May 16, 2012, 10:47:39 AM » |
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Hey There - I think this looks much stronger... but there are many terms/names being thrown around. It was a little hard to keep track (please keep in mind that I am not entirely familiar with this genre so my points might be moot). My two cents are below. I hope they help. You seem to be off to a great start!
Dear {Agent},
Just because Cameron Nevaeh is a Familiar, a portal (is there a better word than portal? I had to re-read a few times to get the idea) through which the power of Heaven is accessed, doesn’t mean she’s holy. In fact, Cameron works as a cocktail waitress who spends more time fending off drunken men than perfecting her morality. But when a member of the Heavensend is murdered she goes from immoral to . . . well, sinful. (great paragraph!)
Hell-bent on getting revenge and slaying the murderous Tengu—a fierce and powerful Fallen Angel—Cameron turns to the only person she believes she can trust, Jack, a Lyon descendant from the biblical story Daniel in the Lions Den who happens to be a little too righteous (are you introducing Tengu or Jack in this first sentence?). Cameron learns that the Tengu (fierce Fallen Angels) are harvesting Familiars in hopes of controlling the magic of Heaven and winning dominion over all creation. As an Elemental Familiar, the most powerful of her kind, Cameron (is the most powerful of her kind... or something like that. Many new terms in this paragraph) alone can differentiate the darkness making her the key target of the Tengu’s aggression.
The bond between the Familiar and her Charge, known by all as the deepest bond on earth, (cameron and Jack) grows into passion as Cameron and Jack they do everything within their power to kill the Tengu. If they fail, not only will their heavenly bond be severed, but Cameron will also become Hell’s slave.
FAMILIAR SPIRIT is an urban fantasy novel complete at 75,000 words, and is the first in a potential series. I have workshopped this novel at the Gotham Writers online workshop. I would be happy to send a full or partial upon request.
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